by Plautus
TRANIO
Does it please you, then?
THEUROPIDES
Does it please me, do you ask me? Why yes, upon my faith, it really does please me very much.
TRANIO
What a fine set of rooms for the women! What a porch!
THEUROPIDES
Exceedingly fine. For my part, I don’t think that there is any Porch larger than this in the public buildings.
TRANIO
Why, I myself and Philolaches have taken the measure sure of all the porches in the public buildings.
THEUROPIDES
Well, what then?
TRANIO
This is far larger than all of them.
THEUROPIDES
Immortal Gods — a splendid bargain! On my word, if he were now to offer six great talents of silver, ready money, for it, I would never take it.
TRANIO
Upon my faith, if you were inclined to take it, I would never let you.
THEUROPIDES
My money has been well invested upon this purchase.
TRANIO
Boldly confess that by my advice and prompting it was done, who urged him to take up the money of the Banker upon interest, which we paid this person by way of deposit.
THEUROPIDES
You’ve saved the whole ship. Eighty minæ, you say, are owing for it?
TRANIO
Not a coin more.
THEUROPIDES
He may have it to-day.
TRANIO
By all means so, that there may be no dispute arising; or else pay them over to me, I’ll then pay them over to him.
THEUROPIDES
But still, don’t let there be any taking me in, if I do give them to you.
TRANIO
Could I venture to deceive you in deed or word even in jest only?
THEUROPIDES
Could I venture not to be on my guard against you, so as not to trust anything to you?
TRANIO
Why, have I ever imposed upon you in anything, since I was your servant?
THEUROPIDES
But I’ve taken good care of that; I owe thanks to myself and my own judgment for that. If I’m only on my guard against you solely, I’m quite wise enough.
TRANIO
aside . I agree with you.
THEUROPIDES
Now be off into the country; tell my son that I’ve arrived.
TRANIO
I’ll do as you wish.
THEUROPIDES
Run with all speed; bid him come to the city at once together with you.
TRANIO
Very well. Aside. Now I’ll betake myself this way by the back-door to my boon-companions; I’ll tell them that things are quiet here, and how I have kept him away from here. (Exit.)
THEUROPIDES, PHANISCUS, and another SERVANT.
PHANISCUS
coming forward . Really, I don’t hear either the sound of revellers here, as once it was, nor yet the music-girl singing, nor any one else. Goes towards the door.
THEUROPIDES
What’s the matter here? What are these people seeking at my house? What do they want? What are they peeping in for?
PHANISCUS
I shall proceed to knock at the door. Knocks. Hallo there, unlock the door! Hallo, Tranio! are you going to open it, I say?
THEUROPIDES
advancing . What story’s this, I wonder?
PHANISCUS
aloud . Are you going to open it, I say? I’ve come to fetch my master Callidamates.
THEUROPIDES
Harkye, you lads! what are you doing there? Why are you breaking down that door?
PHANISCUS
Our master’s at a drinking-party here.
THEUROPIDES
Your master at a drinking-party here?
PHANISCUS
I say so.
THEUROPIDES
You’re carrying the joke too far, my lad.
PHANISCUS
We’ve come to fetch him.
THEUROPIDES
What person?
PHANISCUS
Our master. Prithee, how often must I tell you?
THEUROPIDES
There’s no one living here my lad; for I do think that you are a decent lad.
PHANISCUS
Doesn’t a young gentleman called Philolaches live in this house?
ANOTHER SERVANT of Callidamates.
aside . This old fellow’s crack-brained, surely.
PHANISCUS
You are entirely mistaken, respected sir; for unless he moved from here to-day or yesterday, I know for certain that he’s living here.
THEUROPIDES
Why, no one has been living here for these six months past.
ANOTHER SERVANT of Callidamates.
You are dreaming.
THEUROPIDES
What, I?
ANOTHER SERVANT of Callidamates.
You.
THEUROPIDES
Don’t you be impertinent. Let me speak to the lad. Pointing to PHANISCUS.
PHANISCUS
No one lives there? O dear ——
THEUROPIDES
It’s the fact.
PHANISCUS
Really! why, yesterday and the day before, four, five, six days ago, all along, in fact, since his father went abroad from here, eating and drinking have never ceased for a single three days here.
THEUROPIDES
What is it you say?
PHANISCUS
That eating and drinking have never stopped for a single three days here, bringing in wenches, living like Greeks, hiring harpists and music-girls.
THEUROPIDES
Who was it did this?
PHANISCUS
Philolaches.
THEUROPIDES
What Philolaches?
PHANISCUS
He whose father I take to be Theuropides.
THEUROPIDES
apart . O dear, O dear! I’m utterly undone, if he says the truth in this. I’ll continue to question him still Do you say that this Philolaches, whoever he is, has been in the habit of drinking here together with your master?
PHANISCUS
Here, I tell you.
THEUROPIDES
My lad, contrary to your appearance, you are a fool. See now, please, that you’ve not perchance been dropping in somewhere for an afternoon’s whet, and have been drinking there a little more than was enough.
PHANISCUS
What do you mean?
THEUROPIDES
Just what I say: don’t be going by mistake to other persons’ houses.
PHANISCUS
I know where I ought to go, and the place to which I was to come. Philolaches lives here, whose father is Theuropides; and who, after his father went away to trade, made free a music-girl here.
THEUROPIDES
Philolaches, say you?
PHANISCUS
Just so; Philematium, I mean.
THEUROPIDES
For how much?
ANOTHER SERVANT of Callidamates.
For thirty talents.
PHANISCUS
No, by Apollo; you mean minæ.
THEUROPIDES
Do you say that a mistress was purchased for Philolaches for thirty minæ?
PHANISCUS
I do say so.
THEUROPIDES
And that he gave her her freedom?
PHANISCUS
I do say so.
THEUROPIDES
And that after his father had departed hence abroad, he has been carousing here continually with your master?
PHANISCUS
I do say so.
THEUROPIDES
Well, has he made purchase of the house next door here?
PHANISCUS
I don’t say so.
THEUROPIDES
Has he given forty minæ, too, to this person, to be as a deposit?
PHANISCUS
Nor yet do I say so.
THEUROPIDES
> Ah me! you’ve proved my ruin!
PHANISCUS
Aye, and he has proved the ruin of his father.
THEUROPIDES
You prophesy the truth! I could wish it false!
PHANISCUS
A friend of his father, I suppose?
THEUROPIDES
Ah me! Upon my faith, you do pronounce him to be a wretched father.
PHANISCUS
Why really, this is nothing at all-thirty minæ, in comparison with the other expenses he has incurred in good living. He has ruined his father. There’s one servant there a very great scoundrel, Tranio by name; he could even waste the revenue of a Hercules. On my word, I’m sadly distrest for his father; for when he comes to know that things have gone on thus, a hot coal will be scorching his breast, poor man.
THEUROPIDES
If, indeed, this is the truth.
PHANISCUS
What am I to gain, that I should tell a lie? Knocks again at the door. Hallo, you! is any one coming to open this door?
ANOTHER SERVANT of Callidamates.
Why do you knock in this way, when there’s no one in the house?
PHANISCUS
I fancy that he’s gone elsewhere to carouse. Now then, let’s begone. They move as if going.
THEUROPIDES
What, my lad, are you off then? Liberty’s the overcoat for your back.
PHANISCUS
Nothing have I with which to cover my back, except to pay respect and service to my master. (Exeunt PHANISCUS and SERVANT.)
THEUROPIDES
to himself . By my troth, I am undone! What need is there of talking? According to the words I have heard, I surely haven’t lately voyaged hence to Ægypt, but even to some desolate land and the most remote shores have I been borne about, so much am I at a loss to know where I now am. But I shall soon know; for see, here’s the person of whom my son bought the house. Enter SIMO.
THEUROPIDES
What are you about?
SIMO
I’m coming home from the Forum.
THEUROPIDES
Has anything new been going on at the Forum to-day?
SIMO
Why yes.
THEUROPIDES
What is it, pray?
SIMO
I saw a dead man being carried to burial.
THEUROPIDES
Dear me! that is something new!
SIMO
I saw one who was dead being carried out to burial They said that he had been alive but just before.
THEUROPIDES
Woe to that head of yours for your nonsense!
SIMO
Why are you, thus idling about, enquiring after the news?
THEUROPIDES
Because I’ve just arrived from abroad.
SIMO
I’m engaged out to dine: don’t suppose I shall invite you.
THEUROPIDES
I’ faith, I don’t want.
SIMO
But, to-morrow, unless any person invites me first, I’ll even dine with you.
THEUROPIDES
I’ faith, and that, too, I don’t want. Unless you are engaged with something of greater importance, lend me your attention.
SIMO
By all means.
THEUROPIDES
You have received, as far as I understand, forty minæ of Philolaches.
SIMO
Never a coin, so far as I know.
THEUROPIDES
What? Not from my servant Tranio?
SIMO
Much less is that the case.
THEUROPIDES
Which he gave you by way of deposit?
SIMO
What are you dreaming about?
THEUROPIDES
What, I? Why, really, ’tis yourself, who hope that, by dissembling in this manner, you’ll be able to make void this bargain.
SIMO
Why, what do you mean?
THEUROPIDES
The business that, in my absence, my son transacted with you here.
SIMO
How did your son, in your absence, transact any business with me? What pray, or on what day?
THEUROPIDES
I owe you eighty minæ of silver.
SIMO
Not to me, indeed, upon my faith; but still, if you do owe them, give them me. Faith must be kept. Don’t be attempting to deny it.
THEUROPIDES
Assuredly, I shall not deny that I owe them; and I shall pay them. Do you take care how you deny that you received the forty from him.
SIMO
Troth now, prithee, look this way at me, and answer me. He said that you were wishful to give a wife to your son; for that reason, he said that you intended building on your own premises.
THEUROPIDES
I, intended building here?
SIMO
So he told me.
THEUROPIDES
Ah me! I’m ruined outright! I’ve hardly any voice left. Neighbours, I’m undone, ruined quite!
SIMO
Has Tranio been causing any confusion?
THEUROPIDES
Yes; he has thrown everything into confusion. He has made a fool of me to-day in a disgraceful manner.
SIMO
What is it you say?
THEUROPIDES
This matter is just as I am telling you: he has this day made a fool of me in an outrageous manner. Now I beseech you that you’ll kindly aid me, and lend me your assistance.
SIMO
What would you have?
THEUROPIDES
I beg of you, come this way together with me.
SIMO
Be it so.
THEUROPIDES
Lend me the assistance of your slaves and some scourges.
SIMO
Take them by all means.
THEUROPIDES
At the same time I’ll tell you about this, in what a fashion he has this day imposed upon me. They go into the house of SIMO.
ACT V.
Enter TRANIO.
TRANIO
to himself . The man that shall prove timid in critical matters, will not be worth a nutshell. And, really, to say what that expression, “worth a nutshell,” means, I don’t know. But after my master sent me into the country to fetch his son hither, I went that way pointing slily through the lane to our garden. At the entrance to the garden that’s in the lane, I opened the door; and by that road I led out all the troop, both men and women. After, from being in a state of siege, I had led out my troops to a place of safety, I adopted the plan of convoking a senate of my comrades, and when I had convoked it, they forthwith banished me from the senate. When I myself perceived that the matter must be decided by my own judgment, as soon as ever I could, I did the same as many others do, whose affairs are in a critical or a perplexed state; they proceed to render them more perplexed, so that nothing can be settled. But I know full well, that now by no means can this be concealed from the old man. But how’s this, that our next neighbour’s door makes a noise? Why, surely this is my master: I’d like to have a taste of his talk. Goes aside, out of sight of THEUROPIDES. house.
THEUROPIDES
in the doorway, speaking to SIMO’S SLAVES . Do you stand there, in that spot within the threshold; so that, the very instant I call, you may sally forth at once. Quickly fasten the handcuffs upon him. I’ll wait before the house for this fellow that makes a fool of me, whose hide I’ll make a fool of in fine style, if I live.
TRANIO
apart . The affair’s all out. Now it’s best for you, Tranio, to consider what you are to do.
THEUROPIDES
to himself . I must go to work to catch him cleverly and artfully when he comes here. I’ll not disclose to him my feelings all at once; I’ll throw out my line; I’ll conceal the fact that I know anything of these matters.
TRANIO
apart . O cunning mortal! not another person in Athens can be pronounced more clever than he. One can no more this day deceive hi
m than he can a stone. I’ll accost the man; I’ll address him.
THEUROPIDES
to himself . Now I do wish that he would come here.
TRANIO
apart . I’ faith, if me indeed you want, here I am ready at hand for you. Comes forward.
THEUROPIDES
Bravo! Tranio, what’s being done?
TRANIO
The country people are coming from the country Philolaches will be here in a moment.
THEUROPIDES
I’ faith, he comes opportunely for me. This neighbour of ours I take to be a shameless and dishonest fellow.
TRANIO
Why so?
THEUROPIDES
Inasmuch as he denies that he knows you.
TRANIO
Denies it?
THEUROPIDES
And declares that you never gave him a single coin of money
TRANIO
Out with you, you are joking me, I do believe; he doesn’t deny it.
THEUROPIDES
How so?
TRANIO
I am sure now that you are joking; for surely he doesn’t deny it.
THEUROPIDES
Nay but, upon my faith, he really does deny it; or that he has sold this house to Philolaches.
TEA.
Well now, pray, has he denied that the money was paid him?
THEUROPIDES
Nay more, he offered to take an oath to me, if I desired it, that he had neither sold this house, nor had any money him paid been. I told him the same that you told me.
TRANIO
What did he say?
THEUROPIDES
He offered to give up all his servants for examination.
TRANIO
Nonsense! On my faith, he never will give them up.
THEUROPIDES
He really does offer them.
TRANIO
Why then, do you summon him to trial.
THEUROPIDES
Wait a bit; I’ll make trial as I fancy. I’m determined on it.
TRANIO
Bring the fellow here to me.
THEUROPIDES
What then, if I go fetch some men?
TRANIO
It ought to have been done already; or else bid the young man to demand possession of the house.
THEUROPIDES
Why no, I want to do this first — to put the servants under examination.
TRANIO
I’ faith, I think it ought to be done. Meantime, I’ll take possession of this altar.Runs to the altar.
THEUROPIDES
Why so?
TRANIO
You can understand nothing. Why, that those may not be able to take refuge here whom he shall give up for examination, I’ll keep guard here for you; so that the examination may not come to nothing.
THEUROPIDES
Get up from the altar.
TRANIO
By no means.