Complete Works of Plautus
Page 76
ACT I.
Enter, from his house, AGORASTOCLES, followed by MILPHIO.
AGORASTOCLES
Full oft have I entrusted many matters to you, Milphio, matters of doubt and necessity, and standing in need of good counsel, which you wisely, discreetly, cleverly, and skilfully have by your aid brought to completion for me. For which services I do confess that both your liberty and many kind thanks are due unto you.
MILPHIO
An old adage, if you timely introduce it, is a clever thing: but your compliments are to me what are wont to be called sheer nonsense, and, upon my faith, mere bagatelles. Just now, you are full of kind speeches towards me; yesterday, without hesitation, upon my back you wore out three bulls’ hides with flogging.
AGORASTOCLES
But if, being in love, I did anything by reason of my distraction, Milphio, it’s only reasonable that you should pardon me for it.
MILPHIO
I’ve seen nothing more reasonable. I, too, am now dying for love; allow me to thrash you just as you did me, for no fault at all; and then, after that, do you pardon me being thus in love.
AGORASTOCLES
If you have a mind for it, or it gives you pleasure, I do permit it; tie me up, bind me, scourge me; I recommend you, I give you my permission.
MILPHIO
If, hereafter, you should revoke your permission, when you are unloosed, I myself should be hung up for punishment.
AGORASTOCLES
And would I venture to do that, to yourself espercially? On the contrary, if I see you but struck, it gives me pain immediately.
MILPHIO
To me, indeed, i’ faith.
AGORASTOCLES
No, to me.
MILPHIO
I could prefer that to be the case. But what now do you wish?
AGORASTOCLES
Why need I tell a lie to you? I am desperately in love.
MILPHIO
My shoulder-blades feel that.
AGORASTOCLES
But I mean with this damsel, my neighbour Adelphasium, the elder Courtesan that belongs to this Procurer.
MILPHIO
For my own part, I’ve heard that from yourself already.
AGORASTOCLES
I’m on the rack with love for her. But than this Procurer Lycus, her master, not dirt itself is more dirty.
MILPHIO
Do you wish now to present him with some mischief?
AGORASTOCLES
I should like it.
MILPHIO
Why look then, present him with me.
AGORASTOCLES
Go and be hanged!
MILPHIO
But tell me seriously, do you wish to present him with a plague?
AGORASTOCLES
I should like it.
MILPHIO
Well then, present him with this selfsame me; I’d cause him to be having both a mischief and a plague.
AGORASTOCLES
You are joking.
MILPHIO
Should you like this very day, without risk to yourself, to make her free?
AGORASTOCLES
I should like it, Milphio.
MILPHIO
I’ll manage for you to make her so. You have indoors three hundred golden Philippean pieces.
AGORASTOCLES
Six hundred even.
MILPHIO
Three hundred are enough.
AGORASTOCLES
To do what with them?
MILPHIO
Hold your peace. This day I’ll make you a present of the Procurer, whole, with all his household.
AGORASTOCLES
What to do?
MILPHIO
You shall soon know. Collybiscus, your bailiff, is in the city just now. The Procurer doesn’t know him. Do you fully understand?
AGORASTOCLES
I’ faith, I understand that; but what you are driving at I know not.
MILPHIO
You don’t know?
AGORASTOCLES
Not I, faith.
MILPHIO
But I’ll soon let you know. The gold shall be given him, for him to take to the Procurer, and say that he’s a stranger from another city; that he’s amorously inclined, and wishes to gratify his inclinations; that he wants free range to be found him, where he may secretly indulge his appetite, so that there may be no overlooker. The Procurer, greedy for the gold, will at once take him into his house; he’ll conceal the man and the gold.
AGORASTOCLES
The design pleases me.
MILPHIO
Do you then enquire of him whether your slave hasn’t come to him. He’ll think that I am being sought for; immediately he’ll say no to you. Have you any doubt but that the Procurer will at once have to double the gold for you, and be considered to have stolen the man? Neither has he the means of raising it. When he comes to trial, the Prætor will award his whole household to you. Thus with a pitfall shall we deceive the Procurer Lycus.
AGORASTOCLES
The design pleases me.
MILPHIO
Aye, when I’ve polished it up, you’ll then say so still more even; now it’s but in the rough.
AGORASTOCLES
I’m going to the Temple of Venus, unless, Milphio, you wish for anything. It’s the Aphrodisia to-day.
MILPHIO
I know.
AGORASTOCLES
I wish to amuse my eyes with the harlot finery.
MILPHIO
Let’s first proceed to this, the plan we have resolved upon. Let’s go in-doors, that we may instruct Collybiscus, the bailiff, how to plant this cheatery.
AGORASTOCLES
Although Cupid has the sway in my heart, still I’ll listen to you.
MILPHIO
I’ll cause you to be glad it’s done. AGORASTOCLES goes into his house. There is a speck of love upon this man’s breast, which cannot by any means be washed out without great harm; this Lycus, too, the Procurer, is such a wicked person, against whom the engine of mischief is now well aimed, which before long I shall discharge from my battery. But see, here’s Adelphasium coming out, and Anterastylis. The first is the one who renders my master distracted. But I’ll call him out. Goes to the door and calls. Hallo! Agorastocles, come out of doors if you would see most joyous sports! in haste, from the house.
AGORASTOCLES
What’s this bustle, Milphio?
MILPHIO
pointing to the door of LYCUS’S house . Why, here’s your mistress, if you’d like to see her.
AGORASTOCLES
O may the Gods bestow many a blessing on you, for having presented to me a sight so charming as this! They stand apart.
Enter ADELPHASIUM, ANTERASTYLIS, and an ATTENDANT.
ADELPHASIUM
The man who wants to find abundance of employment for himself — a woman and a ship, these two things, let him procure; for no two things do produce more trouble, if, perchance, you begin to equip them; neither are these two things ever equipped enough, nor is the largest amount of equipment sufficient for them. And as I mention these things, from experience at home do I now say thus; for we two, even from daybreak up to the present hour of the day, have never ceased either washing, or scrubbing, or rubbing, or dressing, smoothing, polishing, painting, trimming, with all our might, and at the same time the two maid-servants, that have been provided for each of us, have been giving us their assistance in washing and cleaning; and in carrying water two men have become quite weary. Fie upon it! how great a plague there is in one female. But if there are two, I know full well that they are able to give to any one, the mightiest nation whatsoever, more trouble than enough, in being night and day, always, at all hours, dressing, washing, rubbing, polishing. In fine, there’s no moderation in women, nor do we understand how ever to set a limit to washing and scrubbing. But she who is washed clean, unless she is thoroughly dressed, in my notion at least, is just as though she were dirty.
ANTERASTYLIS
&nbs
p; I really wonder, sister, that you talk in this fashion; you who are so knowing, and discreet, and clever; for when with all care we have ourselves in trim, hardly and with difficulty do we find poor pitiful admirers.
ADELPHASIUM
Such is the fact; but still reflect upon this one thing; a limit is best to be observed in all things, sister; all things in excess give too much trouble to mortals of themselves.
ANTERASTYLIS
Sister, prithee, do reflect that we are accounted just in the same way as pickled salt-fish is thought of — without any relish and without sweetness; unless full oft and long it is soaked in water, it smells badly, and is salt, so that you cannot touch it. Just so are we. Women of this class are utterly tasteless, and devoid of grace, without dress and expense.
MILPHIO
apart . She surely is a cook, Agorastocles, according to my notion; she knows how to soak pickled fish.
AGORASTOCLES
pushing him away . Why are you thus troublesome?
ADELPHASIUM
Sister, do, there’s a dear, forbear. It’s quite sufficient for others to say that to us, not to be ourselves as well proclaiming our foibles.
ANTERASTYLIS
I’ll have done, then.
ADELPHASIUM
I thank you: but now answer me this; are all things here which ought to be provided for propitiating the Gods?
ANTERASTYLIS
I’ve taken care of everything.
AGORASTOCLES
apart . How charming and joyous a day, and full of delight, worthy of Venus, by my troth, whose Aphrodisia are celebrated to-day!
MILPHIO
apart . Any thanks for me, for calling you out of doors? Oughtn’t I now to be presented with a cask of old wine? Say it shall be given. Don’t you answer me? His tongue has fallen out, I imagine. What, plague on it, have you been struck with amazement standing here? He shakes him.
AGORASTOCLES
apart . Do let me love on; don’t disturb me, and do hold your peace.
MILPHIO
apart . I’ll hold my peace.
AGORASTOCLES
apart . If you had held your peace, why then that “I’ll hold my peace” would not have been in existence.
ANTERASTYLIS
Let’s go, my sister. She moves.
ADELPHASIUM
How now — why, prithee, are you now hastening that way?
ANTERASTYLIS
Do you ask me? Because our master is waiting for us at the Temple of Venus.
ADELPHASIUM
Let him wait, i’ faith. Do you stay; there’s a crowd just now at the altar. Do you wish yourself to be pushed about among those common prostitutes, the doxies of bakers, the cast-offs of the spelt-bread sellers; wretched creatures, daubed over with grease, followers of poor slaves, who stink for you of their stable and stall, their seats and very sheds; whom, in fact, not a single freeman has ever touched or taken home with him, the twopenny strumpets of dirty trumpery slaves?
MILPHIO
apart . Away with you to utter perdition! Do you dare, then, to despise the slaves, you hussey? As if she was a beauty, as if kings were in the habit of making her their choice. A monstrosity of a woman! Diminutive as she is, she does spit out such mighty words — seven nights with whom I wouldn’t purchase at a cupful of vapour.
AGORASTOCLES
apart . Immortal and omnipotent Divinities, what is there among you more beauteous? What have you that I should deem you more immortal than I am myself. in beholding with my eyes these delights so great? But Venus is not Venus; for my own part, her will I worship as Venus; that she may love me and prove propitious. Milphio! — hallo! Milphio, where are you?
MILPHIO
apart . See, here I am with you.
AGORASTOCLES
apart . But I want you boiled.
MILPHIO
apart . Why really, master, you are making merry.
AGORASTOCLES
apart . Why, it was from yourself I learnt all this.
MILPHIO
apart . What, even to be in love with her whom you have never touched? Really, that is nonsense.
AGORASTOCLES
apart . I’ faith, the Gods as well do I love and fear from whom, nevertheless, I keep off my hands.
ANTERASTYLIS
Alas! upon my word, when I look at the dress of us both, I’m grieved at the way we are dressed out.
ADELPHASIUM
Why really, it’s quite in a proper style; for our master’s gain and our own we are dressed quite well enough. For no profits can result, if the outlay exceeds them, sister; therefore, that is better to be had which is enough, than that which is more than enough.
AGORASTOCLES
apart . So may the Gods love me, may she love me (I had rather she than the Gods), Milphio; why, this woman has it in her power to force a flint-stone to be in love with her.
MILPHIO
apart . Upon my faith, in that you certainly tell no lie, for you are more senseless than a flint-stone to be in love with her.<
AGORASTOCLES
apart . But consider this, will you; I’ve never soiled her with a kiss. MIL. apart . I’ll run, then, somewhere to a fish-pond or a pool, and fetch some soil.
AGORASTOCLES
apart . What need is there of that?
MILPHIO
apart . I’ll tell you; to soil her lips and yours.
AGORASTOCLES
apart . To utter perdition with you!
MILPHIO
apart . For my part, I’m there already.
AGORASTOCLES
apart . Do you persist?
MILPHIO
apart . I’ll hold my tongue.
AGORASTOCLES
apart . But I wish you to do so always.
MILPHIO
apart . Why really, master, you challenge me at my own game, and still you make fun of me.
ANTERASTYLIS
At present, sister, I suppose you think yourself quite well enough drest; but when the instances of other courtesans are compared, then you will be having the heartache, if perchance you should see any one more nicely drest.
ADELPHASIUM
Envy was never inbred in me, my sister, nor yet spitefulness: I had rather by far that I was adorned with a good disposition than with gold; gold is met with by luck, a good disposition is found by nature. I very much prefer for myself to be called good than fortunate. It more befits a courtesan to show modesty than purple; and more does it become a courtesan to show modesty than golden jewels. Evil habits soil a fine dress more than mud; good manners, by their deeds, easily set off a lowly garb.
AGORASTOCLES
apart to MILPHIO . How now, you; would you like to play a merry and a frolicsome prank?
MILPHIO
apart . I should like.
AGORASTOCLES
apart . Can you, then, give attention to me?
MILPHIO
apart . I can.
AGORASTOCLES
apart . Be off home, and go hang yourself.
MILPHIO
apart . Why? AGO. apart . Because you’ll never again hear so many words as sweet as these. What need have you to live? Only listen to me, and go hang yourself.
MILPHIO
apart Why yes, if, like grapes that are drying, you’ll hang together with me.
AGORASTOCLES
apart . But I do love her.
MILPHIO
apart . But I, to eat and drink.
ADELPHASIUM
to her SISTER . How now, you? How say you — ?
ANTERASTYLIS
What is it you ask me?
ADELPHASIUM
Do you see? My eyes which were full of dirt, are they clear now?
ANTERASTYLIS
looking close at her eyes . Why, even still there’s a little dirt in the middle of the eye.
ADELPHASIUM
Lend me your right hand, please.
AGORASTOCLES
apart . And would yo
u really touch or rub her eyes with unwashed hands?
ANTERASTYLIS
Too great indolence has taken possession of us to-day.
ADELPHASIUM
For what reason, prithee?
ANTERASTYLIS
Why, because we didn’t come long since, before daylight, to the Temple of Venus, to be the first to place fire upon her altar.
ADELPHASIUM
O, there’s no need for doing that; those who have faces suited for the night only, make haste to go and sacrifice by night; before Venus is awake, they are already hurrying with all haste to sacrifice; for if they were to come when Venus is awake, so ugly are they, upon my faith, I do believe they would drive Venus herself away from the Temple.
AGORASTOCLES
apart . Milphio! MIL. apart . Poor Milphio, i’ faith! What do you want with me now?
AGORASTOCLES
apart . Troth now, prithee, do mark how she speaks honied wine!
MILPHIO
apart , Nothing at all, except tile- cakes, sesamum, and poppies, wheat and parched nuts.
AGORASTOCLES
apart . Do I seem at all to be in love?
MILPHIO
apart . In love to your loss, a thing that Mercury is by no means in love with.
AGORASTOCLES
apart . Why, really, by my troth, it befits no lover to be in love with pelf.
ANTERASTYLIS
Let’s go, my sister.
ADELPHASIUM
Do, please, just as you like. Follow me this way.
ANTERASTYLIS
I’ll follow. They move.