Complete Works of Plautus
Page 78
AGORASTOCLES
But if I had said that I was taking you to a Temple to breakfast, you would have surpassed a stag in speed, or a man on stilts in your steps. Now, because I have said that I am taking you as my assistants and witnesses, you are gouty, and in the slowness of your pace have been outdoing the snail.
ADVOCATI
Why, really, is there not good cause for running swiftly, where you are to drink and eat at another man’s expense as much as you please, until you are full, what you need never return against your will to your host, at whose expense you have been eating? But still,in some way or other, although we are poor men, we have at home something to eat; don’t you browbeat us in such a contemptuous way. Whatever that very little is, that little of ours is all at home; we neither dun any one ourselves, nor does any one dun us. Not one of us is going to burst the veins of his lungs for your sake.
AGORASTOCLES
You are too warm; really, I said this to you in joke.
ADVOCATI
Consider it said in joke as well what we have said to you in answer.
AGORASTOCLES
Troth now, prithee, do give me this aid of yours like a fly-boat, not a merchant-ship. Do hobble along at least, for I do not ask you to hurry.
ADVOCATI
If you wish to do anything quietly and leisurely, we lend our aid; if you are in a hurry, it would be better for you to hire runners as your assistants.
AGORASTOCLES
You understand (the matter I’ve informed you of), that I have need of your assistance with regard to this Procurer, who has so long trifled with me in my amour; that a scheme is to be planned against him about the gold and. my servant.
ADVOCATI
All that we know already, if these Spectators know. For the sake of these Spectators it is that this Play is now being acted. ‘Twere better for you to inform them, that when you do anything, they may know what it is you are doing. Don’t you trouble about us; we know the whole matter; since we all learnt it together in company with yourself, so that we can answer you.
AGORASTOCLES
Such really is the fact; but come, that I may be sure then that you know it, repeat the matter at length, and tell me what I told you just now.
ADVOCATI
Are you trying in this way whether we know? Do you suppose we don’t remember how you have given three hundred Philippeans to Collybiscus your bailiff, for him to bring here to the Procurer, your enemy, and to pretend that he is a foreigner from a distance, from another city? When he has brought them, you’ll go there to seek your servant together with the money.
AGORASTOCLES
You remember it by heart; you have saved me.
ADVOCATI
He’ll be for denying it; he’ll suppose your Milphio is being looked for. He’ll have to pay double all the money stolen; the Procurer will be adjudged to you. In this matter you wish us to be your witnesses.
AGORASTOCLES
You’ve got the matter fast.
ADVOCATI
I’ faith, hardly with the tips of our fingers, indeed; it is so very small a one.
AGORASTOCLES
This must be done quickly and with expedition. Make as much haste, then, as you can.
ADVOCATI
moving as though going . Kindly fare you well, then; it’s better for you to provide some active assistants, we are but slow ones.
AGORASTOCLES
You move very well. Aside. But very badly do you speak me, faith. Aloud. Moreover, I could wish your thighs to fall down into your ankles.
ADVOCATI
And, i’ faith, we that your tongue had fallen into your loins, and your eyes upon the ground.
AGORASTOCLES
Heyday! it’s not for you to be angry at what I said in joke.
ADVOCATI
Nor for you, indeed, to be speaking ill to your friends in joke.
AGORASTOCLES
Drop this. What I want to do, you understand.
ADVOCATI
We know full well: to undo the perjured Procurer, it’s that you wish.
AGORASTOCLES
You’ve got the matter right. See, Milphio and the bailiff are opportunely coming out together. He’s coming rigged out like a nobleman, and appropriately, for the plot.
Enter MILPHIO and COLLYBISCUS, from the house of AGORASTOCLES, dressed as a person of quality.
MILPHIO
Have you now got your instructions by heart?
COLLYBISCUS
Nicely.
MILPHIO
Take care you understand them, please.
COLLYBISCUS
What need is there of talking? I won’t let my own legs understand as well.
MILPHIO
Only take you care that your speeches are learnt by heart for this plot.
COLLYBISCUS
Why, upon my faith, I am more perfect than tragic or comic actors are.
MILPHIO
You are a capital fellow.
AGORASTOCLES
to the ASSISTANTS . Let’s go nearer to them. Accosting MILPHIO and COLLYBISCUS. Here are the witnesses.
MILPHIO
to AGORASTOCLES . Really you could not have brought as many men better suited for this purpose; for not one of them is tongue-tied as a witness; they are genuine men of the law-courts; there they take up their abode; there you may see them more frequently than the Prætor. At this very time there are no better cookers-up of a lawsuit, to stir up litigation, than are these men; for they, if there is no litigation, sow litigation.
ADVOCATI
May the Gods confound you!
MILPHIO
You I really do commend, inasmuch as, whoever you are, still you act both worthily and kindly in giving your aid to my master thus in love. To AGORASTOCLES. But do they now know what the business is?
AGORASTOCLES
The whole matter, all in its order.
MILPHIO
In that case, do you, then, give me your attention. Do you know this Procurer Lycus?
ADVOCATI
Perfectly.
COLLYBISCUS
But, upon my faith, I don’t know him, of what appearance he is. I wish that you would point this fellow out to me.
ADVOCATI
We’ll take all care: we’ve been instructed quite enough.
AGORASTOCLES
pointing to COLLYBISCUS . He has got three hundred pieces counted out.
ADVOCATI
Then it’s right, Agorastocles, that we should see this gold, that we may know what to say by-and-by as our testimony.
AGORASTOCLES
Come and look at it. Opens the bag which COLLYBISCUS holds in his hand.
COLLYBISCUS
to the AUDIENCE . Undoubtedly it’s gold, Spectators — playhouse gold; upon this, soaked in water, in foreign lands, the cattle become fat: but, for the carrying out of this design, ’tis real Philippean gold.
ADVOCATI
We’ll make believe it is so.
COLLYBISCUS
But do you make believe as though I were a foreigner.
ADVOCATI
Just so; and, in fact, as though you, on your arrival to-day, had asked us to show you a spot for freedom and pleasure; where you might wench, drink, and live like a Greek.
MILPHIO
Dear me! Crafty fellows, upon my faith!
AGORASTOCLES
But it was I who instructed them.
MILPHIO
And who you, in your turn?
COLLYBISCUS
Come, be of’ in-doors, Agorastocles, lest the Procurer should see you together with me, and some accident might befall our plan.
MILPHIO
This person is extremely prudent. To AGORASTOCLES. Do as he bids you.
AGORASTOCLES
Let’s be off. To the ASSISTANTS. But you-has enough been said?
COLLYBISCUS
Do you be off.
AGORASTOCLES
I’m off. Immortal Gods, I beg ——
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br /> COLLYBISCUS
Nay, but why don’t you be off?
AGORASTOCLES
I’m off.
COLLYBISCUS
You do wisely. AGORASTOCLES and MILPHIO go into the house. Hush! be quiet.
ADVOCATI
What’s the matter?
COLLYBISCUS
This door pointing to the door of the house of LYCUS was guilty of a great indecency just now.
ADVOCATI
What indecency is that?
COLLYBISCUS
It rumbled aloud. AsSIST. May the Deities confound you! Get you behind us.
COLLYBISCUS
Be it so. Goes behind them.
ADVOCATI
We’ll walk first.
COLLYBISCUS
aside . They do what town-fellows are in the habit of doing: they put worthy men behind themselves.
ADVOCATI
pointing to the PROCURER’S house . That man that’s coming out is the Procurer.
COLLYBISCUS
He’s a real good one; for he’s like a bad man. Even now, as he comes forth, I’ll suck out his blood at this distance.
Enter LYCUS, from his house.
LYCUS
speaking to ANTHEMONIDES, within . I’ll return here this moment, Captain. I wish to find us some fitting guests, to join us. Meanwhile, they’ll bring the entrails; and at the same time, the women, I suppose, will soon be making their appearance at home after the sacrifice. But why are such a number of people coming this way? I wonder what they are bringing? He, too, in the scarf, that’s following at a distance, who is he, I wonder? He is not an Ætolian.
ADVOCATI
We greet you, Lycus. Although against our will, we give you this salutation, and although in a very moderate degree do we entertain good wishes for procurers.
LYCUS
May you all be fortunate — a thing that I know for certain you neither will be, nor will Fortune permit it so to be.
ADVOCATI
That is a treasure hoarded in the tongues of fools, to deem it gainful to speak amiss to their superiors.
LYCUS
He who knows not the road by which to arrive at the sea, him it befits to seek a river as his own companion. I know not the way of speaking abusively to you. Now you are the rivers to me; you I’m resolved to follow. If you speak blessings, along your banks I’ll follow you; if you utter curses, along your track I’ll go.
ADVOCATI
To do good to the bad is a danger just as great as to do bad to the good.
LYCUS
But why?
ADVOCATI
You shall learn. If you do any good to the bad, the benefit is lost: if you do any bad to the good, it lasts for a length of time.
LYCUS
Cleverly said! But what does that matter to me?
ADVOCATI
Because for the sake of your own well-doing we came hither, although in a very moderate degree do we entertain good wishes for procurers.
LYCUS
If you bring anything that’s good, I give you thanks.
ADVOCATI
Of our own, we neither bring nor give you anything that’s good, nor do we promise you, nor, in fact, do we wish to give it.
LYCUS
I’ faith, I do believe yon; such is your kindly feeling. But what now do you wish?
ADVOCATI
(pointing to COLLYBISCUS) This person in the scarf, whom you see, with him Mars is angered.
COLLYBISCUS
aside, to himself . May he be so indeed with your own heads!
ADVOCATI
We are now bringing him here, Lycus, to you, for tearing asunder.
COLLYBISCUS
aside, to himself . This huntsman, myself, will be going home to-day with some spoil; the dogs are cleverly driving Lycus into the toils.
LYCUS
Who is this person?
ADVOCATI
We really don’t know who he is, except that some time since, after daybreak, when we went down to the harbour, at the same moment we saw him landing from a merchant-ship. Disembarking, he came up to us at once — he saluted us; we answered him.
COLLYBISCUS
aside . The artful fellows! how cleverly they do enter upon the plot!
LYC. What after that?
ADVOCATI
Then he joined in discourse with us: he said that he was a foreigner, unacquainted with this city: that he wanted a convenient place to be found here, for him to indulge his appetite. We brought the man to you; if the Gods are favourable to you, it’s an opportunity for you to ply your trade.
LYCUS
Is he eager to that degree?
ADVOCATI
He has got gold.
LYCUS
aside . That booty is mine.
ADVOCATI
He wishes to drink and wench.
LYCUS
I’ll find him a nice place.
ADVOCATI
But still he wants to be quite private, in a quiet way, that no persons may know it, and that there may be no overlookers; for he has been a soldier in Sparta, as, indeed, he himself has told us, with King Attalus; from there he fled hither, when the town was surrendered.
COLLYBISCUS
aside . Very clever that, about the soldier! about Sparta, most capital!
LYCUS
in a low voice . May the Gods and Goddesses bestow many blessings on you, for having given me kindly information, and finding me a choice prey.
ADVOCATI
Aye, and, as he himself has told us, that you may receive him the better, he has brought three hundred Philippean pieces as a provision.
LYCUS
I’m a king if I can to-day entice this man to my house.
ADVOCATI
Nay but, he really is your own.
LYCUS
By my troth, prithee, do persuade him to take up his abode at my house, as the best lodging.
ADVOCATI
It befit us neither to persuade nor to dissuade a person who is a foreigner; you’ll transact your own business, if you are prudent. We have brought the ringdove for you, even to the trapping-ground; now it’s better for yourself to catch him, if you wish him to be caught. They move as if going.
LYCUS
Are you going now?
COLLYBISCUS
to the ASSISTANTS . What about the matters that I commissioned you upon, strangers?
ADVOCATI
pointing to LYCUS . It’s better for you, young sir, to speak to him about your own concerns; he’s clever in those matters which you are enquiring about.
COLLYBISCUS
aside . But, for my part, I could like you to see when I deliver him the gold.
ADVOCATI
aside . At a distance there we shall be witnesses of that.
COLLYBISCUS
to the ASSISTANTS . You’ve given me kind assistance. The ASSISTANTS go out of sight.
LYCUS
aside, so as to be heard . The profit comes to me.
COLLYBISCUS
aside, to himself . Age, just so, indeed, the way that the ass kicks with his heels.
LYCUS
I’ll speak the fellow fairly. To COLLYBISCUS. A stranger salutes a stranger; I’m glad that you have arrived in safety.
COLLYBISCUS
May the Deities grant you many blessings, since you wish me well.
LYCUS
They say that you are in search of a lodging.
COLLYBISCUS
I am in search.
LYCUS
So those persons told me, who left me just now, that you are in search of one that is free from flies.
COLLYBISCUS
By no means in the world.
LYCUS
Why so?
COLLYBISCUS
Because if I had been looking for a retreat from the flies, on arriving here I should have straightway gone to gaol. I’m in search of this kind of lodging, where I may be treated more delicately than the eyes of King Antiochus
are in the habit of being treated.
LYCUS
Upon my faith, for sure, I can provide you a charming one, if, indeed, you can put up with yourself being in a charming room, on a couch charmingly laid, a charming damsel cuddling you.
COLLYBISCUS
You are in the right road, Procurer.
LYCUS
Where, with Leucadian, Lesbian, Thasian, and Coan wine, toothless with old age, you may soak yourself. There I’ll quite drench you with the effusion of unguents. Why many words? I’ll cause, when you’ve bathed, the bathkeeper to set up unguent-shop there. But speaking confidentially all these things that I have mentioned let out their services for pay.
COLLYBISCUS
Why so?
LYCUS
Because they demand ready money.
COLLYBISCUS
Why, upon my faith, you are not more ready to receive than I to give.
LYCUS
Why then follow me in-doors.
COLLYBISCUS
Lead me in-doors, then; you’ve got me devoted to your will. The ASSISTANTS come forward. LYCUS and COLLYBISCUS go apart.
ADVOCATI
among themselves . What if we call Agorastocles hither out of doors, that he himself may be his own witness, past all exception? They go to the door of AGORASTOCLES and call out, in a loud whisper. Hallo! you that are to catch the thief, come out quickly, that you yourself may witness him giving the gold to the Procurer.
Enter AGORASTOCLES, in haste, from his house.
AGORASTOCLES
What’s the matter? What is it you want, witnesses?
ADVOCATI
Look to the right hand; your servant is paying gold to the Procurer himself.
COLLYBISCUS
apart to LYCUS . Come, take this, will you: here are three hundred gold coins, counted out, which are called Philippeans. Gives him the bay. With these do you provide for me. I wish these to be spent with all speed.
LYCUS
By my troth, you have found a lavish steward for yourself. Come, let’s away in-doors.
COLLYBISCUS
I follow you.
LYCUS
Well, well, walk on; and then we’ll talk together about the other matters that remain.
COLLYBISCUS
As for me, I’ll tell you about the Spartan affairs.
LYCUS
Why then follow me.
COLLYBISCUS
Lead me in-doors; lead me in, you have got me made over to you. They go into the house of LYCUS.
AGORASTOCLES
What do you advise me now?
ADVOCATI
To be moderate.
AGORASTOCLES
What if my feelings will not let me be?
ADVOCATI