by Plautus
ANTHEMONIDES
You choose?
HANNO
I say so.
ANTHEMONIDES
Away to utter perdition, you shoe-latchet! What, do you dare to be acting the lover here, you great toe of a man, or to be meddling with an object which masculine men are fond of, you skinnea pilchard, you deformed image of Serapis, you half-apron, you sheepskin-jacket, you pot of stinking sea-salt; more crammed, too, to boot, with leeks and garlick than the Roman rowers?
AGORASTOCLES
Young man, do your jaws or your teeth itch, that you are annoying this person, or are you in search of a heavy mishap?
ANTHEMONIDES
Why didn’t you use a drum while you were saying that? For I take you to be more of an effeminate wretch than a real man.
AGORASTOCLES
Do you understand what sort of effeminate wretch I am? Calling aloud. Servants, come out of doors, bring out some cudgels!
ANTHEMONIDES
Hark you, if I have said anything in a joke, don’t you be for taking it seriously.
ANTERASTYLIS
Prithee, what pleasure have you, Anthemonides, in speaking rudely to our kinsman and father? For this is our father; he has just now recognized us, and him as the son of his cousin.
ANTHEMONIDES
So may Jupiter kindly bless me, I heartily rejoice that it is so, and I am delighted, if, in fact, any great misfortune befalls this Procurer, and since a fortune awaits you equal to your merits.
ANTERASTYLIS
I’ faith, he says what’s worthy of belief; do believe him, my father.
HANNO
I do believe him.
AGORASTOCLES
And I believe him. But look pointing , I espy the Procurer Lycus, the worthy fellow; look, there he is — he’s betaking himself homeward.
HANNO
Who is this?
AGORASTOCLES
He’s which you please, both the Procurer and Lycus. He has been keeping your daughters in servitude, and from myself he has stolen some gold.
HANNO
A pretty fellow for you to be acquainted with!
AGORASTOCLES
Let’s bring him to justice.
HANNO
By no means.
AGORASTOCLES
For what reason?
HANNO
Because ‘twere better for an action of damages to be brought against him.
Enter LYCUS.
LYCUS
to himself . No one, in my opinion at least, is deceived, who rightly states his case to his friends. But by all my friends the one same thing is agreed upon, that I ought to hang myself, so as not to be adjudged to Agorastocles.
AGORASTOCLES
stepping forward . Procurer, let’s away to the court of justice.
LYCUS
I do entreat you, Agorastocles, that I may be at liberty to hang myself.
HANNO
I summon you to justice.
LYCUS
But what have you to do with me?
HANNO
pointing at his DAUGHTERS . Because I affirm that both of these are my daughters, free women, and free by birth, who, when little, were kidnapped together with their nurse.
LYCUS
Indeed, I knew that already, and I wondered that no one came to assert their freedom; they really are none of mine, indeed.
ANTHEMONIDES
Procurer, you must come to justice.
LYCUS
You are talking about the breakfast; it is owing to you; I’ll give it.
AGORASTOCLES
Twofold compensation I must have for the theft.
LYCUS
pointing to his neck . Take it out of this, then.
HANNO
And I require a full satisfaction.
LYCUS
pointing to his neck . Take out of this whatever you please. ANTH. And I, indeed, a mina of silver.
LYCUS
pointing to his neck . Take out of this whatever you please. I’ll at once settle the matter for all with my neck, just like a porter.
AGORASTOCLES
Do you refuse me in any way?
LYCUS
Not a word, in fact.
AGORASTOCLES
Go in-doors, then, damsels. But to HANNO , my kinsman, betroth me your daughter, as you promised.
HANNO
I should not venture to do otherwise.
ANTHEMONIDES
Kindly farewell!
AGORASTOCLES
And kindly farewell to you!
ANTHEMONIDES
holding up what he has got in his hand . Procurer, I take this as a pledge with me for my mina.
LYCUS
By heavens, I am ruined!
AGORASTOCLES
Why yes, before very long, when you’ve come to justice.
LYCUS
Nay but, I own myself your slave. What need of the Prætor have we? But I beseech you that I may be allowed to pay the simple sum, three hundred Philippeans. I think it can be scraped together; to-morrow I’ll have an auction.
AGORASTOCLES
On condition, then, that you shall be in wooden custody at my house.
LYCUS
So be it.
AGORASTOCLES
Follow me in-doors, my kinsman, that we may keep this festive day in joyousness, upon his misfortune and our good fortune. To the AUDIENCE . Heartily fare you well. To great length have we gone; at last all these misfortunes fall upon the Procurer. Now — that which is the last seasoning for our Play — if it has pleased you, our Comedy asks applause.
AGORASTOCLES, LYCUS, HANNO, ANTHEMONIDES, ADELPHASIUM, and ANTERASTYLIS.
AGORASTOCLES
What is it you are about, Captain? Why does it please you to speak rudely to my relative? Don’t be surprised that the damsels do follow after him; he has just now discovered that both of them are his own daughters.
LYCUS
starting . Hah! what speech was it that reached my ears? Now I am undone! To AGORASTOCLES. From what house were these females lost?
AGORASTOCLES
They are Carthaginians.
LYCUS
Then I am ruined. I was always in dread of that, lest some one should recognize them, a thing which has now come to pass. Woe unto wretched me! My eighteen minæ are lost, I guess, which I paid for them.
AGORASTOCLES
And you yourself are lost, Lycus.
HANNO
Who is this?
AGORASTOCLES
Which you please, he’s either the Procurer or Lycus. He has been keeping your daughters in servitude, and from myself he has stolen some gold.
HANNO
A pretty fellow for you to be acquainted with!
AGORASTOCLES
Procurer, I always deemed you to be avaricious, but they know you to be a thief as well, who know more of you.
LYCUS
I’ll approach him. He falls on the ground before AGORASTOCLES. By your knees I do beseech you, and by him pointing to HANNO , whom I understand to be your relative; since you are deserving persons, as it befits deserving persons to do, do then come to the aid of your suppliant! Indeed, already did I know them to be free women, and was waiting for some one to claim their freedom, for really they are none of mine. Then besides, I’ll restore your gold that I’ve got in my house, and I’ll make oath that I have done nothing, Agorastocles, with ill intent.
AGORASTOCLES
As it’s right for me to do, I shall still consult my own notions. Let go of my knees.
LYCUS
I’ll let them go, if such is your determination. He rises from the ground, and retires to a distance.
AGORASTOCLES
Hark you! Procurer.
LYCUS
What do you want with a Procurer amid business?
AGORASTOCLES
You to restore me my money before I take you hence to be laid in fetters.
LYCUS
May the Gods grant bette
r things!
AGORASTOCLES
Even so; you’ll be dining away from home. I see Gold, silver, and your neck, Procurer, the three things are you now owing to me all at once.
HANNO
What it befits me to do in this matter, I’m considering with myself. If I should attempt to take vengeance on this fellow, I shall be engaging in litigation in a strange city. So far as I hear, his disposition and manners, of the nature that they are ——
ADELPHASIUM
My father, do have no dealings with this man, I conjure you.
ANTERASTYLIS
Do listen to my sister. Come, put an end to your strife with the rascal.
HANNO
Attend to this, will you, Procurer. Although I know that you deserve to come to ruin, I’ll not try the matter with you.
AGORASTOCLES
Nor I, if you restore me my gold; Procurer, when let go from the fetters — you may get thrust into prison.
LYCUS
What, your old habit still?
ANTHEMONIDES
Carthaginian, I wish to excuse myself to you. If I have said anything in my passion against the inclination of your feelings, I beg that you will pardon it; and as you have found these daughters of yours, so may the Deities bless me, it is a pleasure to me.
HANNO
I both forgive and believe you.
ANTERLASTYIS
Procurer, do you take care either to find me a mistress, or return me the mina of gold.
LYCUS
Should you like to have my music-girl?
ANTHEMONIDES
I don’t care for a music-girl; you don’t know which is the greater, their cheeks or their bosoms.
LYCUS
I’ll find one to please you.
ANTHEMONIDES
Mind that,
LYCUS
to AGORASTOCLES . To-morrow I’ll bring back your gold to your house.
AGORASTOCLES
Take care that you keep that in memory. Captain, follow me.
ANTHEMONIDES
Yes, I’ll follow you. LYCUS goes into his house.
AGORASTOCLES
to HANNO . How say you, kinsman? When are you thinking of leaving here for Carthage? — for I’m determined to go together with you.
HANNO
As soon as ever I can, that instant I shall go.
AGORASTOCLES
It’s necessary for you to stop here some days, until I’ve had an auction.
HANNO
I’ll do just as you wish.
AGORASTOCLES
Come, please, let’s be off; let’s enjoy ourselves To the AUDIENCE. Grant us your applause.]
PSEUDOLUS
Translated by Henry Thomas Riley
Pseudolus opens with the shortest prologue of any of the known plays of Plautus, though it is not known whether Plautus wrote this prologue himself or if it was added later. The comedy was first performed in 191 BC during the Megalesian Festival, which was a celebration for the Greek Goddess Rhea. The temple for worship of Rhea in Rome was completed during the same year in time for the festival.
The prologue gives a warning to the audience that the play is long and now is the time to stretch their legs as they are about to be sitting for a long time. The play begins with the young master Calidorus and his crafty slave Pseudolus entering the stage, with the former visibly upset. After Pseudolus urges his master to tell him what is wrong, Calidorus shows Pseudolus a letter he has received. It reveals that Calidorus’ lover Phoenicium, a prostitute, has been sold and the man that is supposed to come with the last of the money to pay for her and pick her up for her new master is expected shortly. Calidorus obviously wants to save her, but he has no money of his own and his father won’t loan him any to help save her. He turns to Pseudolus, who is his father’s chief slave, for help. Pseudolus does not have the money they require to buy her, but thinks he can improvise a plan to raise it and save Phoenicium…
Theatre mask representing the type of the First Slave of New Comedy. Pentelic marble, 2nd century BC. From the Dipylon Gate in Athens.
CONTENTS
THE SUBJECT.
THE ACROSTIC ARGUMENT.
ACT I.
ACT II.
ACT III.
ACT IV.
ACT V.
THE SUBJECT.
CALIDORUS, a young Athenian, the son of Simo, is in love with Phœnicium, a young woman who belongs to Ballio, a procurer. A bargain has been made by the procurer, to sell her to a military officer for twenty minæ; fifteen of these have been paid down, and it has been agreed that when the remaining five and a certain token, with a letter, shall have been sent by the Captain, the damsel shall be sent to him in return. Pseudolus, the servant of Simo, promises his master’s son, that, if possible, he will prevent this. They first address Ballio on the subject; but their attempts to influence him are all in vain. Pseudolus then devises a plan to get some money out of Simo, by whom, however, it is discovered; but, after having acknowledged his fault, he prevails upon the old gentleman to promise him twenty minæ if he shall contrive to get the girl out of the procurer’s hands. Harpax, the messenger from the Captain, in the meantime makes his appearance. Being a stranger to the place, he unwittingly delivers the Captain’s letter and the token to Pseudolus, who pretends that he is the head-servant of the procurer. Charinus, the friend of Calidorus, lends him five minæ; and, provided with this, Pseudolus equips Simmia, a servant of Charinus, so as to represent the messenger from the Captain. He finds the procurer, delivers the letter, pays the five mine, and carries off the damsel. Ballio then makes a bet of twenty minæ with Simo, that Pseudolus shall not outwit him that day. The real Harpax now applies to Ballio for the girl, and the trick being discovered, the procurer has to pay back the fifteen minæ to the Captain, and the twenty for the bet which he has made with Simo. Simo then pays the twenty minæ, which he has promised to Pseudolus if he should succeed in outwitting the procurer. Pseudolus is handsomely entertained by Calidorus, and engages to return to Simo one-half of the money, if he wil join the entertainment.
THE ACROSTIC ARGUMENT.
[Supposed to have been written by Priscian the Grammarian.]
An officer pays down fifteen mine, ready money (Prœsentes); as a token he also (Simul) gives an impression of his seal, that the procurer may deliver Phœnicium to him (Ei), who brings it with the rest of the money. Pseudolus intercepts his camp-servant coming (Venientem) with the token, saving (Dicens), that he is Syrus, the servant of Ballio, and thus he gives his aid (Opem) to his master; for the procurer (Leno) delivers up the damsel to Simmia, whom he has substituted. The real Harpax comes (Venit); the matter is all discovered, and the old man (Senex) pays the money which he has agreed to give. PROLOGUEThe Prologue: It is generally supposed that this Prologue, with the exception of the last two lines, was not written by Plautus it is, however, of grest antiquity, and is found in most of the MSS.
ATTEND to me this day; good things I bring upon the stage; for I think ’tis very just that to the good good things should be brought; as likewise bad things to the bad; that those who are bad may have what’s bad, those who are good what’s good; bad men are bad because they hate the good; because the good contemn the bad, needs must be that they are good; and therefore, you are good since you have ever abhorred the bad; and both by your laws, Quirites, and by your legions, have you routed them with good success. In like manner now do you give your goodly attention to this goodly company, which is a good one, and. to good people brings this day good things. Ears, eyes, and understanding, shall be amply filled. He that comes hungry or thirsty to the theatre, the same shall carefully give his attention both through laughter and a sharpened stomach; while those who are full will laugh, the hungry will be carping. Now, if you are wise, you hungry ones, give place, and go away; you who are full, stand — aye, sit you down, and give attention. I shall not now divulge the plot, nor yet the name of this play — Pseudolus will fully do that. I imagine then and I think that
this is enough which I have said to you. Where mirth, jokes, laughter, wine, and jollity, are the order of the day, the Graces, too, and propriety, joyousness, and delight; he who seeks for other things, that person appears to seek for evil. Away, then, with evil cares, as being men at your ease this day. ’Tis better for your loins to be stretched, and for you to arise. A long play of Plautus is coming upon the stage.
ACT I.
Enter CALIDORUS and PSEUDOLUS from SIMO’S house.
PSEUDOLUS
If, master, by your being silent, I could be in-formed what miseries are afflicting you so sadly, I would willingly have spared the trouble of two persons — of myself in asking you, and of yourself in answering me. Since, however, that cannot be, necessity compels me to enquire of you. Answer me: What’s the reason that, out of spirits for these many days past, you’ve been carrying a letter about with you, washing it with your tears, and making no person the sharer of your purpose? Speak out, that what I am ignorant of, I may know together with yourself.
CALIDORUS
I am wretchedly miserable, Pseudolus.
PSEUDOLUS
May Jupiter forbid it!
CALIDORUS
This belongs not at all to the arbitration of Jupiter; under the sway of Venus am I harassed, not under that of Jove.
PSEUDOLUS
Is it allowable for me to know what it is? For hitherto you have had me as chief confidant in your plans.
CALIDORUS
The same is now my intention.
PSEUDOLUS
Let me know then what’s the matter with you. I’ll aid you either with resources, or with my efforts, or with good counsel.
CALIDORUS
Do you take this letter: do you thence inform yourself what misery and what care are wasting me away.
PSEUDOLUS
taking the letter . Compliance shall be given you. But, prithee, how’s this?
CALIDORUS
What’s the matter?
PSEUDOLUS
As I think, these letters are very loving; they are climbing on each other’s backs.
CALIDORUS
Are you making sport of me with your foolery?
PSEUDOLUS
I’ faith, I really do believe that unless the Sibyl can read them, nobody else can possibly interpret them.