by Plautus
TRACHALIO
Nay but, i’ faith, it is not; if, indeed, you’ve fished up any article that’s made
GRIPUS
Philosopher, you.
TRACHALIO
But look now, you conjurer, did you ever see a fisherman who caught a wallet-fish, or exposed one for sale in the market? But, indeed, you shan’t here be taking possession of all the profits that you choose; you expect, you dirty fellow, to be both a maker of wallets and a fisherman. Either you must show me a fish that is a wallet, or else you shall carry nothing off that wasn’t produced in the sea and has no scales.
GRIPUS
What, did you never hear before to-day that a wallet was a fish?
TRACHALIO
Villain, there is no such fish.
GRIPUS
Yes, there certainly is; I, who am a fisherman, know it. But it is seldom caught; no fish more rarely comes near the land.
TRACHALIO
It’s to no purpose; you hope that you can be cheating me, you rogue. Of what colour is it?
GRIPUS
looking at the wallet . Of this colour very few are caught: some are of a purple skin, there are great and black ones also.
TRACHALIO
I understand; by my troth, you’ll be turning into a wallet-fish I fancy, if you don’t take care; your skin will be purple, and then afterwards black.
GRIPUS
aside . What a villain this that I have met with to-day!
TRACHALIO
We are wasting words; the day wears apace. Consider, please, by whose arbitration do you wish us to proceed?
GRIPUS
By the arbitration of the wallet.
TRACHALIO
Really so, indeed? You are a fool.
GRIPUS
My respects to you, Mister Thales Going.
TRACHALIO
holding him . You shan’t carry that off this day, unless you find a place of safe keeping for it, or an umpire, by whose arbitration this matter may be settled.
GRIPUS
Prithee, are you in your senses?
TRACHALIO
I’m mad, in need of hellebore.
GRIPUS
But I’m troubled with sprites; still I shan’t let this go. Hugs the wallet.
TRACHALIO
Only add a single word more, that instant I’ll drive my fists smash into your brains. This instant on this spot, just as a new napkin is wont to be wrung, I’ll wring out of you whatever moisture there is, if you don’t let this go. Seizes the wallet.
GRIPUS
Touch me; I’ll dash you down on the ground just in such fashion as I’m in the habit of doing with a polypus fish. Would you like to fight? Assumes a boxing attitude.
TRACHALIO
What need is there? Nay, in preference, divide the booty.
GRIPUS
You can’t get anything from here but harm to yourself, so don’t expect it. I’m taking myself off.
TRACHALIO
But I’ll turn aside your ship from that direction, that you mayn’t be off anywhere — stop. Stands in front of him, and holds the rope.
GRIPUS
If you are the helmsman of this ship, I’ll be the pilot. Let go of the rope now, you villain.
TRACHALIO
I will let go; do you let go of the wallet.
GRIPUS
I’ faith, you shall never this day become a scrap the more wealthy from this.
TRACHALIO
You cannot convince me by repeatedly denying, unless either a part is given me, or it is referred to arbitration, or it is placed in safe keeping.
GRIPUS
What, that which I got out of the sea —— ?
TRACHALIO
But I spied it out from the shore.
GRIPUS
— With my own pains and labour, and net and boat.
TRACHALIO
If now the owner, whose property it is, were to come, how am I, who espied from afar that you had taken this, a bit the less the thief than yourself?
GRIPUS
None whatever. Going.
TRACHALIO
seizing the net . Stop, you whip-knave; just let me learn of you by what reasoning I am not the sharer, and yet the thief.
GRIPUS
I don’t know; neither do I know these city laws of yours, only that I affirm that this is mine. Looks at the wallet.
TRACHALIO
And I, too, say that it is mine.
GRIPUS
Stay now; I’ve discovered by what method you may be neither thief nor sharer.
TRACHALIO
By what method?
GRIPUS
Let me go away from here; you quietly go your own way, and don’t you inform against me to any one, and I won’t give anything to you. You hold your tongue; I’ll be mum. This is the best and the fairest plan.
TRACE.
Well, what proposition do you venture to make?
GRIPUS
I’ve made it already; for you to go away, to let go of the rope, and not to be a nuisance to me.
TRACHALIO
Stop while I propose terms.
GRIPUS
I’ faith, do, prithee, dispose of yourself forthwith.
TRACHALIO
Do you know any one in these parts?
GRIPUS
My own neighbours I must know.
TRACHALIO
Where do you live here?
GRIPUS
pointing . At a distance out away yonder, as far off as the farthest fields.
TRACHALIO
pointing to the cottage of DÆMONES . The person that lives in that cottage, should you like it to be decided by his arbitration?
GRIPUS
Let go of the rope for a moment while I step aside and consider.
TRACHALIO
Be it so. Lets go of the rope.
GRIPUS
aside . Capital, the thing’s all right; the whole of this booty is my own. He’s inviting me here inside of my own abode to my own master as umpire. By my troth, he never this day will award three obols away from his own servant. Assuredly, this fellow doesn’t know what proposal he has been making. To TRACHALIO. I’ll go to the arbitrator with you.
TRACHALIO
What then?
GRIPUS
Although I know for sure that this is my own lawful right, let that be done rather than I should now be fighting with you.
TRACHALIO
Now you satisfy me.
GRIPUS
Although you are driving me before an arbitrator whom I don’t know, if he shall administer justice, although he is unknown, he is as good as known to me; if he doesn’t, though known, he is the same as though entirely unknown.
Enter DÆMONES, from his cottage, with PALÆSTRA and AMPELISCA, and SERVANTS.
DÆM.
to the WOMEN . Seriously, upon my faith, young women, although I wish what you desire, I’m afraid that on your account my wife will be turning me out of doors, who’ll be saying that I’ve brought harlots here before her very eyes. Do you take refuge at the altar rather than I.
THE WOMEN.
We, wretched creatures, are undone. They weep.
DÆM.
I’ll place you in safety; don’t you fear. But why turning to the SERVANTS are you following me out of doors? Since I’m here, no one shall do them harm. Now then, be off, I say, in-doors, both of you, you guards from off guard. They go in.
GRIPUS
O master, save you.
DÆM.
Save you. How goes it?
TRACHALIO
pointing to GRIPUS . Is he your servant?
GRIPUS
I’m not ashamed to say yes.
TRACHALIO
I’ve nothing to do with you.
GRIPUS
Then get you gone hence, will you.
TRACHALIO
Prithee, do answer me, aged sir; is he your servant?
DÆM.
He is mine.
TRACHALIO
Oh then, that is very good, since he is yours. Again I salute you.
DÆM.
And I you. Are you he who, not long since, went away from here to fetch his master?
TRACHALIO
I am he.
DÆM.
What now is it that you want?
TRACHALIO
pointing to GRIPUS . This is your servant, you say?
DÆM.
He is mine.
TRACHALIO
That is very good, since he is yours.
DÆM.
What’s the matter?
TRACHALIO
pointing to GRIPUS . That’s a rascally fellow there.
DÆM.
What has the rascally fellow done to you?
TRACHALIO
I wish the ancles of that fellow were smashed.
DÆM.
What’s the thing about which you are now disputing between yourselves?
TRACHALIO
I’ll tell you.
GRIPUS
No, I’ll tell you.
TRACHALIO
I fancy I’m to move the matter first.
GRIPUS
If indeed you were a decent person, you would be moving yourself off from here.
DÆM.
Gripus, give attention, and hold your tongue
GRIPUS
In order that that fellow may speak first?
DÆM.
Attend, Itell you. To TRACHALIO. Do you say on.
GRIPUS
Will you give the right of speaking to a stranger sooner than to your own servant?
TRACHALIO
O dear! how impossible it is for him to be kept quiet. As I was beginning to say, that Procurer, whom some little time since you turned out of the Temple of Venus — see pointing at the wallet , he has got his wallet.
GRIPUS
I haven’t got it.
TRACHALIO
Do you deny that which I see with my own eyes?
GRIPUS
But I only wish you couldn’t see. I have got it, and I haven’t got it; why do you trouble yourself about me, what things I do?
TRACHALIO
In what way you got it does matter, whether rightfully or wrongfully.
GRIPUS
If I didn’t take it in the sea, there’s not a reason why you shouldn’t deliver me up to the cross. If I took it in the sea with my net, how is it yours rather than my own?
TRACHALIO
to DÆMONES . He is deceiving you; the matter happened in this way, as I am telling you.
GRIPUS
What do you say?
TRACE.
So long as the person that has the first right to speak is speaking, do to DÆMONES put a check on him, please, if he belongs to you.
GRIPUS
What, do you wish the same thing to be done to myself, that your master has been accustomed to do to yourself? If he is in the habit of putting a check upon you, this master of ours isn’t in the habit of doing so with us.
DÆM.
to TRACUALIO . In that remark only has he got the better of you. What do you want now? Tell me.
TRACHALIO
For my part, I neither ask for a share of that wallet there, nor have I ever said this day that it is my own; but in it there is a little casket that belongs to this female pointing to PALÆSTRA , whom a short time since I averred to be free born.
DÆM.
You are speaking of her, I suppose, whom a short time since you said was my countrywoman?
TRACHALIO
Just so; and those trinkets which formerly, when little, she used to wear, are there in that casket, which is in that wallet. This thing is of no service to him, and will be of utility to her, poor creature, if he gives it up, by means of which to seek for her parents.
DÆM.
I’ll make him give it up; hold your tongue.
GRIPUS
I’ faith, I’m going to give nothing to that fellow.
TRACHALIO
I ask for nothing but the casket and the trinkets.
GRIPUS
What if they are made of gold?
TRACHALIO
What’s that to you? Gold shall be paid for gold, silver shall have its weight in silver in return.
GRIPUS
Please let me see the gold; after that I’ll let you see the casket.
DÆM.
to GRIPUS . Do you beware of punishment, and hold your tongue. To TRACHALIO. As you commenced to speak do you go on.
TRACK.
This one thing I entreat of you, that you will have compassion on this female, if, indeed, this wallet is that Procurer’s, which I suspect it is. In this matter, I’m saying nothing of certainty to you, but only on conjecture.
GRIPUS
Do you see how the rascal’s wheedling him?
TRACHALIO
Allow me to say on as I commenced. If this is the wallet that belongs to that villain whose I say it is, these women here will be able to recognize it; order him to show it to them.
GRIPUS
Say you so? To show it to them?
DÆM.
He doesn’t say unreasonably, Gripus, that the wallet should be shown.
GRIPUS
Yes, i’ faith, confoundedly unreasonably.
DÆM.
How so?
GRIPUS
Because, if I do show it, at once they’ll say, of course, that they recognize it.
TRACHALIO
Source of villany, do you suppose that all other people are just like yourself, you author of perjury?
GRIPUS
All this I easily put up with, so long as he pointing to DÆMONES is of my way of thinking.
TEACH.
But now he is against you; from this pointing to the wallet will he obtain true testimony.
DÆM.
Gripus, do you pay attention. To TRACHALIO. You explain in a few words what it is you want?
TRACHALIO
For my part, I have stated it; but if you haven’t understood me, I’ll state it over again. Both of these women pointing to them , as I said a short time since, ought to be free; pointing to PALÆSTRA she was stolen at Athens when a little girl.
GRIPUS
Tell me what that has got to do with the wallet, whether they are slaves or whether free women?
TRACHALIO
You wish it all to be told over again, you rascal, so that the day may fail us.
DÆM.
Leave off your abuse, and explain to me what I’ve been asking.
TRACHALIO
There ought to be a casket of wicker-work in that wallet, in which are tokens by means of which she may be enabled to recognize her parents, by whom, when little, she was lost at Athens, as I said before.
GRIPUS
May Jupiter and the Gods confound you. What do you say, you sorcerer of a fellow? What, are these women dumb, that they are not able to speak for themselves?
TRACHALIO
They are silent for this reason, because a silent woman is always better than a talking one.
GRIPUS
Then, i’ faith, by your way of speaking, you are neither a man nor a woman to my notion.
TRACHALIO
How so?
GRIPUS
Why, because neither talking nor silent are you ever good for anything. Prithee to DÆMONES , shall I ever be allowed to-day to speak?
DÆM.
If you utter a single word more this day, I’ll break your head for you.
TRACHALIO
As I had commenced to say it, old gentleman, I beg you to order him to give up that casket to these young women; if for it he asks any reward for himself, it shall be paid; whatever else is there besides, let him keep for himself.
GRIPUS
Now at last you say that, because you are aware it is my right; just now you were asking to go halves.
TRACHALIO
Aye, and even still I ask it.
GRIPUS
DÆM.
to GRIPUS . Can’t I shut your mouth without a drubbing?
GRIPUS
pointing to TRACHALIO . If that fellow is silent, I’ll be silent; if he talks, allow me to talk in my own behalf.
DÆM.
Please now give me this wallet, Gripus.
GRIPUS
I’ll trust it to you; but for you to return it me, if there are none of those things in it.
DÆM.
It shall be returned.
GRIPUS
Take it. Gives him the wallet.
DÆM.
Now then listen, Palæstra and Ampelisca, to this which I say: is this the wallet, in which this Procurer said that your casket was?
PALAESTRA
It is the same.
GRIPUS
aside . Troth, to my sorrow, I’m undone; how on the instant, before she well saw it, she said that it was it.
PALAESTRA
I’ll make this matter plain to you, instead of difficult. There ought to be a casket of wicker-work there in that wallet; whatever is in there I’ll state by name; don’t you show me anything. If I say wrong, I shall then have said this to no purpose; then you shall keep these things, whatever is in there for yourselves. But if the truth, then I entreat you that what is my own may be restored to me.
DÆM.
I agree; you ask for bare justice only, in my way of thinking, at least.
GRIPUS
But, i’ faith, in mine, for extreme injustice; what if she is a witch or a sorceress, and shall mention exactly everything that’s in it P Is a sorceress to have it?
DÆM.
She shan’t get it, unless she tells the truth; in vain will she be conjuring. Unloose the wallet, then giving it to GRIPUS , that as soon as possible I may know what is the truth.
GRIPUS
first unfastens the straps of the wallet, and then hands it to his MASTER . Take it, it’s unfastened. DÆMONES takes out the casket. Alas, I’m undone; I see the casket.
DÆM.
holding it up, and addressing PALÆSTRA . Is this it?
PALAESTRA
That is it. O my parents, here do I keep you locked up; here have I enclosed both my wealth and my hopes of recognizing you.
GRIPUS
aside . Then, by my faith, the Gods must be enraged with you, whoever you are, who fasten up your parents in so narrow a compass.
DÆM.
Gripus, come hither, your cause is being tried. To PALÆSTRA. Do you, young woman, away at a distance there say what’s in it, and of what appearance; mention them all. By my troth, if you make ever so slight a mistake, even if afterwards you wish, madam, to correct yourself, you’ll be making a great mistake.