Complete Works of Plautus

by Plautus

  STICHUS

  When he has drunk, either do you mind my rules, or else I’ll give up. I don’t wish us to drink this straight out; we shall soon be about nothing; for, by my faith, almost all in a moment, the cask might be turned head downwards.

  SAGARINUS

  to the PIPER . How now? Although you did make a fuss about it, still it didn’t hurt you. Come, Piper, when you’ve done drinking, put back your pipes to your lips; quickly puff out your cheeks, just like a reptile serpent. Come now, Stichus, whichever of the two breaks order, shall be fined a cup.

  STICHUS

  You propose a good regulation. You ought to have your way, who only ask what’s fair.

  SAGARINUS

  Mind it then; if you offend, I’ll forthwith take the forfeit on the spot.

  STICHUS

  You ask what’s quite right and just.

  SAGARINUS

  pledging STICHUS . Here’s to you first of all.

  STICHUS

  ’Tis a droll thing this, for two persons, rivals of each other, to be courting, to be drinking from one goblet, and to be kissing one wench. ’Tis worthy of remark this: I am you, you are I; of one accord are we. With one mistress are we both in love; when she’s with me, still she’s with you; and when she’s with you, she’s with me as well; neither of us envies the other.

  SAGARINUS

  Come, come, there’s enough of it; I don’t want it overdone to weariness. I’d now like some other sport.

  STICHUS

  Drink on, if you are drinking.

  SAGARINUS

  There shall be no skulking in me. But, troth, I’ve had enough of the feast; would but our mistress come here. If she were here, nothing else would be away.

  STICHUS

  Should you like us to invite our mistress out? She shall give us a dance.

  SAGARINUS

  I agree.

  STICHUS

  calling aloud . My sweet one, my lovely one, my pleasing one, Stephanium, do come out of doors to your sweethearts; to me you are quite charming.

  SAGARINUS

  But to me, indeed, most charming.

  STICHUS

  Make us jovial fellows more jovial by your assistance and your company. Returning from abroad, we want you, dear little Stephanium, my honey, that is, if our lovingness is pleasing to you, if we are acceptable to you.

  Enter STEPHANIUM, from the house of PAMPHILUS.

  STEPHANIUM

  I’ll indulge you, my dears; but, so may pretty Venus favour me, I should have already come out of doors here together with you, had I not been sprucing myself up for you. For such is the way of woman, when she is well washed, made clean, dressed and tricked out, still is she incomplete; and a female who is a courtesan much more quickly acquires dislike for herself by sluttishness than always keeps in favour through neatness.

  STICHUS

  That’s very cleverly said.

  SAGARINUS

  ’Tis the genuine language of Venus.

  STICHUS

  Sagarinus.

  SAGARINUS

  What’s the matter?

  STICHUS

  I’m in pain all over.

  SAGARINUS

  All over? So much the more unfortunate you.

  STEPHANIUM

  Where do I take my place?

  SAGARINUS

  Wherever you please.

  STEPHANIUM

  I’d like with both of you, for I love you both.

  STICHUS

  Whack go my savings. I’m done for; freedom has abandoned this person of mine.

  STEPHANIUM

  Prithee, do give me room, where I may take my place, if, indeed, I am agreable. She takes her place. Now I do long to be cozy with you both.

  STICHUS

  . I’m ruined utterly. What were you saying?

  SAGARINUS

  Heyday! What’s the matter?

  STICHUS

  So may the Gods favour me, it never shall be otherwise this day but that this girl shall have a dance somehow. Come, my love, my sweet, do dance; I’ll dance too. They rise and dance.

  SAGARINUS

  I’ faith, you shan’t that way get the better of me, but what I’ll have a bit of enjoyment, too, that way.

  STEPHANIUM

  Well, if I must dance, do you then give the Piper something to drink.

  STICHUS

  Aye, and to me.

  SAGARINUS

  holds the goblet to the PIPER . Piper, you take first: and after that, if you tipple this off, just as has been your wont before to-day, straightway strike up some merry and amorous tune to dance to, by which we may tingle all over from our very finger nails. Pour some water here.

  The PIPER stops playing while he drinks the water.

  SAGARINUS

  Take this, you; toss it off. The drink didn’t please him just now; now at last he takes it with less difficulty. Take it, you. To STEPHANIUM. In the meantime, apple of my eye, give me a kiss while he’s drinking.

  STEPHANIUM

  Why, it’s the way of a common strumpet, for a damsel to give a kiss standing to her sweetheart as he stands. She turns away, while he tries to kiss her.

  STICHUS

  Bravo! bravo! that’s the way it’s given to a thief.

  SAGARINUS

  Come, blow out your cheeks now; something in the amorous way at once. Give us a new tune in return for the old wine.

  SAGARINUS

  What person in the Ionian or the ballet line is there that can do anything like that? He capers about.

  STICHUS

  If you get the better of me this turn, just challenge me to another.

  SAGARINUS

  Just you do it in this fashion. Capers.

  STICHUS

  And you in this fashion. Capers too.

  SAGARINUS

  O grand!

  STICHUS

  O fine!

  SAGARINUS

  O wonderful!

  STICHUS

  QUIET!

  SAGARINUS

  Now, then, both in the same step. They dance quietly, in the same measure. I challenge all the dancing-masters to dance against me. ’Tis no more possible for there to be enough of this for us than for there to be too much rain for a mushroom.

  STICHUS

  (ceasing to dance) Let’s away hence in-doors at once now; we’ve danced long enough for the wine. You, Spectators, give us your applause, and then go home to enjoy yourselves.

  TRINUMMUS

  Translated by Henry Thomas Riley

  CONTENTS

  THE SUBJECT.

  THE ACROSTIC ARGUMENT.

  ACT I.

  ACT II.

  ACT III.

  ACT IV.

  ACT V.

  THE SUBJECT.

  CHARMIDES, a wealthy Athenian, his property having been much duninished by the reckless conduct of his son, goes abroad. His dissolute son, Lesbonicus, being left behind at Athens, consumes the little resources left him, and then puts up his father’s house for sale. At his departure, Charmides has entrusted his interests and the care of his son and daughter to his friend Callicles and has also informed him that in his house there is a treasure buried as a reserve against future contingencies. In order that this may not be lost, Cailicles buys the house of Lesbonicus for a small sum. Ignorant of his reason for doing so, his fellow-citizens censure him for his conduct, and accuse him of a breach of good faith in ministering to the extravagance of Lesbonicus by supplying him with money. For this reason Megaronides expostulates with his friend Callicles, and greatly censures him; on which, Callicles, in self-defence, entrusts him with the secret of the treasure. Charmides having left behind him a grown-up daughter in the care of Callicles, Lysiteles, a young man of rank and character, falls in love with her, and through his father, Philto, asks her in marriage. Her brother, Lesbonicus, is not averse to the match, but refuses to let her marry without giving her a portion; and he offers her to Lysiteles, on condition that he will receive as her mar
riage-portion a piece of land near the city, the sole remnant of his fortune. This, however, Lysiteles refuses to accept. In the mean time, Callicles, at the suggestion of Megaronides, determines to give the young woman a dowry out of the treasure buried in the house which he has bought; but that Lesbonicus may not suspect whence the money really comes, a Sharper is hired, with instructions to pretend that he brings letters from Charmides with a thousand gold pieces as a portion for his daughter when she should marry. It happens, that while the Sharper is on his way with his pretended errand to the abode of Callicles, Charmides, having unexpectedly returned to Athens, is going towards his house. He meets the Sharper, who discloses his errand and attempts to impose upon Charmides, who thereupon discovers himself Charmides then meets his servant Stasimus, who tells him of the purchase of his house by Callicles, whereon he conceives himself to have been betrayed by his friend. Afterwards, on discovering the truth, he praises the fidelity of Callicles, and bestows his daughter on Lysiteles, with a portion of a thousand gold pieces, and, at the intercession of Lysiteles, he forgives his son Lesbonicus, and informs him that he is to be married to the daughter of Callicles.

  THE ACROSTIC ARGUMENT.

  [Supposed to have been written by Priscian the Grammarian.]

  CHARMIDES,

  going abroad, entrusts a treasure (Thesaurum) secretly hidden, and all his property (Rem), to his friend Callicles. He (Istoc) being absent, his son wantonly squanders his estate. For (Nam) he sells even the house: and Callicles makes purchase of it. His sister, a maiden (Virgo) without a dowry, is asked in marriage. That in a less degree (Minus), with censure, Callicles may bestow on her a dowry, he commissions one (Mandat) to say that he has brought the gold from her father. When (Ut) the Counterfeit has reached the house, the old man (Senex), Charmides, as he has just returned, disappoints him; his children then are married.

  Enter LUXURY and POVERTY.

  LUXURY.

  Follow me this way, daughter, that you may perform your office.

  POVERTY.

  I am following, but I know not what to say will be the end of our journey.

  LUXURY.

  ’Tis here. See, this is the house. Now go you in. (Exit POVERTY, who enters the house of CHARMIDES. ）

  LUXURY.

  to the AUDIENCE . Now, that no one of you may be mistaken, in a few words I will conduct you into the right path, if, indeed, you promise to listen to me. First, then, I will now tell you who I am, and who she is who has gone in here pointing to the house , if you give your attention. In the first place, Plautus has given me the name of Luxury, and then he has willed that this Poverty should be my daughter. But why, at my suggestion, she has just entered here, listen and give attentive ear while I inform you. There is a certain young man who is living in this house; by my assistance he has squandered away his paternal estate. Since I see that there is nothing left for him to support me, I have given him my daughter, together with whom to pass his life. But expect nothing about the plot of this play: the old men who will come hither will disclose the matter to you. The name of this play in the Greek is “The Treasure” [Thesaurus]; Philemon wrote it: Plautus translated it into Latin, and gave it the name of “The Three Pieces of Money” [Trinummus]. Now, he begs this of you, that it may be allowed the play to keep that name. Thus much have I to say. Farewell. Attend in silence. (Exit.)

  ACT I.

  Enter MEGARONIDES.

  MEGARONIDES

  To reprove one’s friend for a fault that deserves it, is a thankless task; but sometimes ’tis useful and ’tis profitable. Therefore, this day will I soundly reprove my friend for a fault that much deserves it. Unwilling am I, did not my friendship bid me do it. For this faultiness has encroached too much upon good morals, so drooping now are nearly all of them. But while they are in this distempered state, bad morals, in the mean time, have sprung up most plenteously, like well-watered plants; nor is there now anything abundant here but these same bad morals. Of them you may now reap a most plenteous harvest: and here a set of men are making the favour of a few of much more value than that in which they may benefit the many. Thus private interests outdo that which is to the public advantage — interests which in many points are a hindrance, and a nuisance, and cause an obstruction both to private and to public welfare.

  Enter CALLICLES.

  CALLICLES

  as he enters . I wish our household God to be graced with a chaplet. Wife addressing her within , pay him due respect, that this dwelling may turn out for us prosperous, lucky, happy, and fortunate; and in a lower voice that, as soon as I possibly may, I may see you dead and gone.

  MEGARONIDES

  This is he who in his old age has become a child — who has been guilty of a fault that deserves correction. I will accost the man.

  CALLICLES

  looking around . Whose voice is it that sounds near me?

  MEGARONIDES

  Of one who wishes you well, if you are as I desire you to be; but, if you are otherwise, of one who is your enemy, and is angry with you.

  CALLICLES

  Health to you, O my friend and years’-mate! How are you, Megaronides?

  MEGARONIDES

  And, i’ faith health to you, Callicles! Are you well? Have you been well?

  CALLICLES

  I am well, and I have been still better.

  MEGARONIDES

  And how does your wife do? How is she?

  CALLICLES

  Better than I wish.

  MEGARONIDES

  ’Tis well, i’ faith, for you, that she is alive and well

  CALLICLES

  Troth, I believe that you are glad if I have any misfortune.

  MEGARONIDES

  That which I have, I wish for all my friends as well.

  CALLICLES

  Harkye, how does your wife do?

  MEGARONIDES

  She is immortal; she lives, and is likely to live.

  CALLICLES

  I’ faith, you tell me good news; and I pray the Gods that, surviving you, she may last out your life.

  MEGARONIDES

  By my troth! if indeed she were only married to yourself, I could wish it sincerely.

  CALLICLES

  Do you wish that we should exchange? — that I should take yours, and you mine? I’d be making you not to get a bit the better of the bargain of me.

  MEGARONIDES

  Indeed, I fancy you would not be surprising me unawares.

  CALLICLES

  Aye, faith, I should cause you not to be knowing the thing you were about.

  MEGARONIDES

  Keep what you’ve got; the evil that we know is the best. But if I were now to take one that I know not, I should not know what to do.

  CALLICLES

  In good sooth, just as one lives a long life, one lives a happy life.

  MEGARONIDES

  But give your attention to this, and have done with your joking, for I am come hither to you for a given purpose.

  CALLICLES

  Why have you come?

  MEGARONIDES

  That I may rebuke you soundly with many harsh words.

  CALLICLES

  Me, do you say?

  MEGARONIDES

  Is there any one else here besides you and me?

  CALLICLES

  looking about . There is no one.

  MEGARONIDES

  Why, then, do you ask if ’tis you I mean to rebuke? Unless, indeed, you think that I am about to reprove my own self. For if your former principles now flag in you, or if the manners of the age are working a change in your disposition, and if you preserve not those of the olden time, but are catching up these new ones, you will strike all your friends with a malady so direful, that they will turn sick at seeing and hearing you.

  CALLICLES

  How comes it into your mind to utter these expressions?

  MEGARONIDES

  Because it becomes all good men and all good women to have a care to keep suspicion and guilt away
from themselves.

  CALLICLES

  Both cannot be done.

  MEGARONIDES

  Why so?

  CALLICLES

  Do you ask? I am the keeper of my own heart so as not to admit guilt there; suspicion is centred in the heart of another. For if now I should suspect that you had stolen the crown from the head of Jupiter in the Capitol, the statue which stands on the highest summit of the temple; if you had not done so, and still it should please me to suspect you, how could you prevent me from suspecting you? But I am anxious to know what this matter is.

  MEGARONIDES

  Have you any friend or intimate acquaintance whose judgment is correct?

  CALLICLES

  Troth, I’ll tell you without reserve. There are some whom I know to be friends; there are some whom I suspect to be so, but whose dispositions and feelings I am unable to discover, whether they incline to the side of a friend or an enemy; but of my assured friends, you are the most assured. If you know that I have done anything unwittingly or wrongfully, and if you do not accuse me of it, then you yourself will be to blame.

  MEGARONIDES

  I know it; and if I had come hither to you for any other purpose, you request what is right.

  CALLICLES

  If you have anything to say, I am waiting for it.

  MEGARONIDES

  Then, first of all, you are badly spoken of in general conversation by the public. Your fellow-citizens are calling you greedy of grovelling gain; and then, again, there are others who nickname you a vulture, and say that you care but little whether you devour enemies or fellow-citizens. Since I have heard these things said against you, I have, to my misery, been sadly agitated.

  CALLICLES

  It is, and it is not, in my power, Megaronides: as to their saying this, that is not in my power; as to their saying this deservedly, that is in my power.

  MEGARONIDES

  Was this Charmides a friend of yours? He points to the house of CHARMIDES.

  CALLICLES

  He both is and he was. That you may believe it to be so, I will tell you a circumstance as a proof. For after this son of his had squandered away his fortune, and he saw himself being reduced to poverty, and that his daughter was grown up a young woman, and that she who was both her mother and his own wife was dead; as he himself was about to go hence to Seleueia he committed to my charge the maiden his daughter, and all his property, and that profligate son. These, I think, he would not have entrusted to me if he had been unfriendly to me.