Complete Works of Plautus

by Plautus

  DINARCHUS

  Let them learn, so long as it is allowed me to con my lesson, that I may not forget what I have paid for.

  ASTAPHIUM

  In the meantime, while you, who are a master, shall be conning your lesson, she, as well, is desirous to con hers.

  DINARCHUS

  How so?

  ASTAPHIUM

  In receiving money ever and anon.

  DINARCHUS

  For my own part, this very day I gave five minæ of silver to be carried to her, besides one for provisions.

  ASTAPHIUM

  I know that the same was brought; with it we are now enjoying ourselves upon your liberality.

  DINARCHUS

  For these enemies of mine here to be devouring my property! By heavens, I’d rather that I were dead than submit to that!

  ASTAPHIUM

  You are a simpleton.

  DINARCHUS

  How’s that?

  ASTAPHIUM

  Wait.

  DINARCHUS

  Why so?

  ASTAPHIUM

  Because, I’ troth, I’d rather that my enemies should envy me, than I my enemies; for to envy because it goes well with another, and goes badly with yourself, is wretchedness. Those who are envious, are in want; they who are envied, possess property.

  DINARCHUS

  May I not be a partaker of the provisions bought with the mina?

  ASTAPHIUM

  If you wanted to be a partaker, you should have taken half home. For here an account of the receipts is entered just as at Acheron; we take in-doors; when it’s got by us, it can’t be carried out of doors. Turning on her heel. Kindly farewell.

  DINARCHUS

  catching hold of her . Do stay.

  ASTAPHIUM

  struggling . Let me go! Leave off!

  DINARCHUS

  Do let me go in.

  ASTAPHIUM

  Yes, to your own house,

  DINARCHUS

  Aye, but here into your house.

  ASTAPHIUM

  You cannot go.

  DINARCHUS

  I can, very well. Do let me try.

  ASTAPHIUM

  No, wait here; it’s sheer violence to try. I’d say that you are here, if she wasn’t engaged. Runs to the door.

  DINARCHUS

  Ha! Do stop!

  ASTAPHIUM

  It’s of no use,

  DINARCHUS

  Are you going to return or not?

  ASTAPHIUM

  I’d return, but a voice is calling me that has more influence with me than you have.

  DINARCHUS

  In one word I’ll say it. You’ll receive me?

  ASTAPHIUM

  You are telling a lie — be off. One word, you said; but now three words have you uttered, and those untrue. Goes into the house, and shuts the door.

  DINARCHUS

  to himself . She’s off, and she’s gone hence in- doors That I should endure these things to be done to me. By heavens, enticer, with my cries I’ll be exposing you to ridicule in the street, you who, contrary to law, have received money from many a one. Upon my faith, I’ll forthwith cause your name to be before every magistrate, and after that I’ll sue you for fourfold, you sorceress, you kidnapper of children. By the powers, I’ll now disclose all your disgraceful deeds. Worthless creature that I am, who have lost everything I had! I’m become desperate, and now I haven’t the slightest bit of concern what shoes I wear. But why am I trying here? What, suppose she were to order me to be let in? I could swear in solemn form that I wouldn’t do it if she wished. It’s nonsense. If you thump a goad with your fists, your hands are hurt the most. It’s no good to be angry at a thing of nothing; a creature that doesn’t value you a straw. Starting. But what’s this? O immortal Gods, I see old Callicles, him who was my connexion by marriage, bringing two female slaves in bonds, the one the hair-dresser of this Phronesium, the other his own servant-maid. I’m greatly alarmed! inasmuch as one care has so recently taken possession of my heart, I’m afraid lest all my former misdeeds should be discovered. Stands aside.

  Enter CALLICLES, attended by SLAVES, with his MAID-SERVANT and SYRA, bound.

  CALLICLES

  to his SERVANT . Do I use ill language to you, or do I wish you so very ill? According to my ideas, you have both pretty well experienced how mild and gentle a person I am. I interrogated you both, as you were lashed and hanging up by the arms; I well remember it; the way in which you quite confessed each point, I know. Here now, I wish in the same way to learn; do you confess without a punishment. Although you are both of you of the serpent nature, I tell you beforehand, you mustn’t be having double tongues, lest with your two tongues I should be putting you to death; unless, perhaps, you wish to be taken to the men who go clink, clink.

  A MAID-SERVANT of Callicles.

  Violence forces me to confess the truth; the thongs do so gall my arms.

  CALLICLES

  But, if you confess the truth to me, you shall be relieved from the chains.

  DINARCHUS

  apart . Even now, what’s the matter, I’m at a loss to know and uncertain; except that still I’m afraid.

  SYRA

  What I’ve done wrong I know not.

  CALLICLES

  First of all, then, you stand apart. They stand apart. Aye, so; that’s what I mean; that you mayn’t be making signs between you, I’ll be a party-wall. To his MAID-SERVANT. Speak you.

  A MAID-SERVANT of Callicles.

  What am I to speak about?

  CALLICLES

  What was done with the child that my daughter was delivered of? My grandchild, I mean? Tell me the circumstances of the case.

  A MAID-SERVANT of Callicles.

  I gave it to her. Pointing to SYRA.

  CALLICLES

  to the MAID-SERVANT . Now hold your tongue. To SYRA. Did you receive the child from her?

  SYRA

  I did receive it.

  CALLICLES

  to SYRA . Hold your tongue; I want no more; you’ve confessed enough.

  SYRA

  I’m not going to deny it.

  CALLICLES

  By this you’ve now caused some relief for your shoulder-blades. So far, the account of each of them tallies.

  DINARCHUS

  apart . Ah wretched me! my doings are now being disclosed, which I hoped would be concealed.

  CALLICLES

  to the MAID-SERVANT . Speak, you. Who bade you give the child to her?

  A MAID-SERVANT of Callicles.

  My elder mistress.

  CALLICLES

  to SYRA. . What say you? Why did you receive it?

  SYRA

  My young mistress entreated me that the child might be brought, and that all this might remain secret.

  CALLICLES

  to SYRA . Speak, you. What did you do with this child?

  SYRA

  I took it to my mistress.

  CALLICLES

  What did your mistress do with this child?

  SYRA

  Gave it at once to my mistress.

  CALLICLES

  Plague on it, to what mistress?

  A MAID-SERVANT of Callicles.

  There are two of them.

  CALLICLES

  to the MAID . Take you care, unless I ask you anything, only to answer that which I ask of you.

  SYRA

  The mother, I say, made a present of it to the daughter.

  CALLICLES

  You are saying more than you did just now.

  SYRA

  You are asking more.

  CALLICLES

  Answer me quickly; what did she do, to whom it was given? Tell me.

  SYRA

  She passed it off as ——

  CALLICLES

  Whose?

  SYRA

  As her own son.

  CALLICLES

  As her own son? Ye Gods, by my trust in you I do appeal to you, how much more easily does another than she to whom
it belongs, bring forth another’s child! She, by the labours of another, has brought forth this child without pain. A child blest indeed! two mothers it has got, and grandams two. I’m now afraid how many fathers there may have been. Do see, please, the shocking deeds of women!

  A MAID-SERVANT of Callicles.

  I’ troth, this fraud relates rather to the men than to the women. ’Twas a man, and not a woman, that caused her pregnancy.

  CALLICLES

  I know that too. You were a trusty guardian for it.

  A MAID-SERVANT of Callicles.

  He can do the most, who is strong the most. He was a man; he was the strongest; he prevailed; what he wanted, he carried off.

  CALLICLES

  And, i’ faith, he too brought a heavy mishap, in fact, upon yourself.

  A MAID-SERVANT of Callicles.

  The thing itself experienced, I myself fully know that, even if you had held your tongue.

  CALLICLES

  Never, this day, have I been able to made you declare who he was.

  A MAID-SERVANT of Callicles.

  aside, on catching sight of DINARCHUS . I’ve held my tongue; but now I shan’t hold my tongue, since he’s here; it’s necessary I should tell.

  DINARCHUS

  apart . I’m petrified; in my wretchedness, I dare not move myself; the matter’s all out! The trial’s now going on here for my life! These are my misdeeds, this is my folly. I’m in dread how soon I may be named.

  CALLICLES

  to the MAID-SERVANT . Speak out, who was it, debauched my maiden daughter?

  A MAID-SERVANT of Callicles.

  I see him near you.

  CALLICLES

  Hussy, who was it?

  A MAID-SERVANT of Callicles.

  A supporter of the wall.

  DINARCHUS

  apart . I’m neither alive nor dead, nor know I what I am now to do; neither know I how to go away hence, nor how to accost him; I’m numbed with fear.

  CALLICLES

  Will you tell me, or no?

  A MAID-SERVANT of Callicles.

  It is Dinarchus, to whom you first betrothed her.

  CALLICLES

  looking round . Where is this person whom you mention?

  DINARCHUS

  stepping forward . Here I am, Callicles. Falling on the ground. By your knees I do entreat you that you will bear with wisdom that which was done in folly; and that you will pardon me that, which, losing my senses, I did through the bad influence of wine.

  CALLICLES

  You please me not. You throw the blame on what is dumb, that which cannot speak. But the wine, if it could speak, would defend itself. It’s not wine that’s in the habit of ruling men, but men wine; those, indeed, who are virtuous men; but he who is bad, although he drinks water, or if indeed he abstains from intoxicating liquors, still, by nature he’s bad.

  DINARCHUS

  Well, I’m sensible that many reproaches must be heard by me, which I would prefer not. I confess that I’ve offended you, and am privy to the crime.

  A MAID-SERVANT of Callicles.

  Callicles, prithee beware that you do injury to no person; the accused is pleading his cause at large, the witnesses you are keeping in bonds.

  CALLICLES

  to his SLAVES . Release those women. They are unbound. Come to each of them in turn , do you be off home, and you home as well. To SYRA. Tell your mistress this. she must give up the child, if any one asks for it. (SYRA goes into the house of PHRONESIUM, and exit the MAID-SERVANT.) You, Dinarchus, let’s go before the judge.

  DINARCHUS

  Why do you wish me to go before the judge? You are the Prætor to me. But I entreat of you, Callicles, that you’ll give me your daughter for a wife.

  CALLICLES

  I’ faith, I find, indeed, that you’ve come to a decision on that point yourself; for you haven’t waited till I gave her; you have helped yourself. Now keep her, as you’ve got her, but I’ll fine you this grand haul; six great talents will I deduct from her dowry for this folly.

  DINARCHUS

  You act kindly towards me.

  CALLICLES

  ‘Twere best for you to demand your son back from thence. Pointing to the house of PHRONESIUM. But your wife, as soon as possible, take away from my house. I shall at once, therefore, send a messenger to that kinsman of mine by marriage, and tell him to look out for another match for his son. (Exit.)

  DINARCHUS

  to himself . But I’ll demand back the child of her, lest by-and-by she should deny it. That’s of no use; for she herself, of her own accord, has discovered the whole matter to me, how it happened. But see, right opportunely, i’ faith, is she coming out of doors from her house. Assuredly, a far-darting sting has that woman, who even from that distance is wounding my heart. Stands aside.

  Enter PHRONESIUM and ASTAPHIUM, from the house of the former.

  PHRONESIUM

  to herself . A woman is a spoony and a trolloping slut, if she hasn’t a view to her own interests, even in her cups. If her other limbs are soaked in wine, at least let her head be sober. But it’s a vexation to me that my hair-dresser has been thus badly treated. She has been telling me that this child has been discovered to be the son of dinarchus. When I heard that * * * * She moves, as if going.

  DINARCHUS

  apart . She’s going, in whose hands are all my fortune and my children.

  PHRONESIUM

  seeing DINARCHUS . I see him who has constituted me the guardian of his property.

  DINARCHUS

  coming forward . Madam, here am I.

  PHRONESIUM

  It certainly is he. What’s the matter, my love?

  DINARCHUS

  No love; cease your trifling. I’ve nothing now to do with that subject.

  PHRONESIUM

  By my faith, I know what you want, and what you desire, and what you ask for. You want to see me; you desire to caress me; you ask for the child.

  DINARCHUS

  aside . Immortal Gods! how plain she speaks. How, in a few words, has she hit upon the very point!

  PHRONESIUM

  As for me, I know that you are betrothed, and that you have a son by your betrothed, and that a wife is now going to be married by you; that now your thoughts are elsewhere, that myself you are going to consider as forsaken. But still consider, the little mouse, how sagacious an animal it is, which never entrusts its life to one hole only; inasmuch as, if one hole is blocked up, it seeks another as a place of refuge.

  DINARCHUS

  When there’s leisure, then I’ll talk to you on those matters more at large; at present, give me up the child.

  PHRONESIUM

  No; do, there’s a dear, let it be at my house the few next days.

  DINARCHUS

  Certainly not.

  PHRONESIUM

  Do, there’s a dear.

  DINARCHUS

  What occasion is there?

  PHRONESIUM

  It’s for my interest. This for the next three days at least, until the Captain is circumvented somehow; for that same purpose. If I get anything, it shall be for your own advantage as well. If you take the child away, all hope in the Captain will evaporate from my heart.

  DINARCHUS

  I would have that done; but, when it’s taken home, to do it again, if I were to wish it, I have not the opportunity. Now make use of the child, and take care of it, because you have the means by which to take care of it.

  PHRONESIUM

  Upon my faith, I do love you much for this matter. When you shall be afraid of a scolding at home, do you take shelter here in my house. At least, prove a friend, to help me to a profitable speculation.

  DINARCHUS

  moving . Kindly farewell, Phronesium.

  PHRONESIUM

  Won’t you any longer call me “apple of your eve?”

  DINARCHUS

  That name too, meanwhile, shall be repeated full oft.

  PHRONESIUM

  Do you wi
sh for anything else?

  DINARCHUS

  Fare thee well; when I have leisure, I’ll come to your house. (Exit.)

  PHRONESIUM

  Well, he’s gone away from here, and has taken his departure; we may say here whatever we please. ’Tis a true proverb that’s quoted, “Where the friends are, there are the riches.” Through him, there’s still some hope that the Captain may be duped to-day; whom, by the powers, I love better than my own self, — so long as I get out of him what I want: since, when we have got much, not much of it is seen that has been given. Such are the brilliant prospects of Courtesans!

  ASTAPHIUM

  Hush! hush! be quiet.

  PHRONESIUM

  Prithee, what is it?

  ASTAPHIUM

  The father of the child is coming.

  PHRONESIUM

  Well, let him come here. Let him, if it only is he, let him come himself straight up to me here just as he chooses. If he does come, for very sure, i’ faith, I’ll do him to-day with some cunning tricks. They go into the house.

  ACT V.

  PHRONESIUM and ASTAPHIUM appear before the door of the house. Enter STRATOPHANES.

  STRATOPHANES

  to himself . That I should love for this! I’m taking an atonement for my offences to my mistress! That that may be taken by her in kindly part which I’ve squandered before, I’ll add this as well. But what’s this? I see the mistress and her maid before the house. I must accost her. Addressing them. What are you doing here?

  PHRONESIUM

  Don’t speak to me.

  STRATOPHANES

  You are too angry. Pats her on the shoulder.

  PHRONESIUM

  Leave me alone. Can’t you possibly cease to be an annoyance to me?

  STRATOPHANES

  What is the matter, my dear little Astaphium?

  ASTAPHIUM

  I’ faith, she’s angry with you with good reason.

  PHRONESIUM

  What, I? I’m not even half spiteful enough to. wards that fellow.

  STRATOPHANES

  My love, if I have at all offended before, I present you with this mina of gold. If you smile upon me, deign me a look.

  PHRONESIUM

  My hand forbids me to believe anything, before it holds in its possession. We require food for the child; we require it for the dame as well, that bathes the child; we require it for the nurse, as well, that she may have a leather bottle full of old wine in ample style, that night and day she may tipple; we stand in need of fire; we want coals, too; we want swathes, napkins, the cradle, the cradle-bed; oil we want; the child requires flour, for pap; all day we are wanting something; never, in the same one day, can our task be performed, but what there’s always need of something; for the children of officers cannot be reared upon medlars.