“You’re acting like your dad,” he said in a low voice, his brows pulled tightly together. “You’re trying to control the whole world and everyone in it. But we all need to be able to breathe, to make our own choices, to go after our own wants, and we shouldn’t have to fear what you think about all that. And by we I mean us. Your family. Me and Rogue. The three of us are all that’s left, Fox. I didn’t wanna tell you my shit because frankly I knew you wouldn’t let me deal with it. You’d make plans and run extra jobs and not let me have a say in any of it. So I did what I did and maybe it was fucking stupid now I think about it, but I guess I was tired of being told what to do. You might be my boss, but you’re my friend first. And I think you’ve forgotten that.”
I didn’t immediately explode, though that was my auto reaction, so I had to fight hard to keep myself in check. I tried to hear what he was saying, because he was my brother and I knew he wouldn’t bring it up at all if he didn’t really feel that way. I’d argued with him at the wreckage of The Dollhouse and I’d seen the anger in his eyes at me then. I hated him looking at me like that. And I was starting to fear he was right about me. I just didn’t know how to do better. I was so caught up in trying to protect the final members of my family that all I ever seemed to do was lose more of them. And I couldn’t lose another one, not for anything.
“I’m sorry,” I sighed, rubbing my eyes. “You’re always my friend first, J. You’re my brother. I don’t wanna be the asshole you avoid because I can never switch off boss mode.”
“It’s okay,” he said with a slight smile. “And I’m sorry…so fucking sorry.” He shook his head, glancing away then back to me.
“You don’t have anything to apologise for. I know I’m an asshole sometimes. From now on, in this house I’m not your boss. We’ve been taking business to the clubhouse lately anyway, so we’ll stick with that. And unless we’re working, you don’t have to do shit that I say,” I promised.
“Ooh does that apply to me too, Badge?” Rogue appeared in my t-shirt and my throat closed up at how fucking edible she looked with her bed hair and sleepy eyes. I eye fucked the hell out of her as she walked over to join us with a steaming coffee in JJ’s Squirtle mug. “Oh wait, I don’t give two cat shits if you order me to do exactly what I wanna do. I still won’t.”
“Hilarious,” I said, but I couldn’t help a dark smile as I thought about her panting for me last night.
“Careful with that mug, pretty girl,” JJ warned as she sat down beside me and sipped her coffee.
“I’m always careful,” she said.
“You’re a mug murderer.” He smirked and she smirked right back.
“It does apply to you by the way, even if you don’t listen to me anyway,” I answered her earlier question, nudging her with my elbow.
“First a key to the house, now I’m free to speak my own mind? Wow, it’s like going through the women’s liberation movement at record speed,” she said, arching a brow at me.
My gut tugged over all that fucking Shawn had put her through, keeping her to himself and goddamn emotionally abusing her. It made violence lick against the inside of my skin. I wanted to strike up a bargain with the Devil to give me his death.
I didn’t wanna be like Shawn. I’d never wanted to cage her, I just struggled to trust that she wasn’t going to vanish the second I lost sight of her. It was always the same. The moment she was out of view, there was a warring panic in the back of my mind that I needed to hunt her down, bring her home. I’d lived in that state of panic for ten whole years, never able to reclaim her. But now she was here, the habit died hard, because how could I really trust that she was going to stay? I guessed JJ was right though. I couldn’t control her, and the tighter I held on, the less she seemed to want to be anywhere near me. I had to work harder to loosen my grip and let her be, but with the new fear that Shawn could snatch her up out on the streets, it was impossible to simply let her go off alone anytime she liked. If he got hold of her, I’d never forgive myself.
JJ headed off to get himself more coffee and I turned to Rogue, cupping her cheek to make her look at me. “You’re free, baby. I swear I’ll never trap you again. You know that, right?”
A little V formed between her eyes as she searched my gaze for a lie. “I think the Cove is my chains, Fox. I think we’re all tethered here to live and die on this soil and that never used to scare me growing up because there was nowhere else in the world I wanted to be, even when we made up adventures in our minds and thought about sailing beyond the horizon. I think I was always bound to come back. None of us can escape it for long.”
“Maybe it’s not chains, hummingbird. Maybe it’s simply our home,” I said, trailing my fingers down to where her pulse thumped in her neck like soft wings.
Her breath hitched and I felt a burning path of fire tracking down my spine as she leaned in a little closer like she couldn’t resist the call of my flesh any more than I could resist hers. The world around us blurred to nothing until it was only us and I could no easier fight this urge than fight the rising sun tomorrow.
I closed the distance between us, kissing her hard and tasting coconut and desire on her lips as they parted for me. I slid my hand around the back of her neck, gripping tight as I pushed my tongue between her lips and she responded to me like she couldn’t resist this fire either. It raged between us like an inferno, fuelled by our hunger for each other as it grew and grew until I was sure it was going to consume everything inside me. She could have all the corrupt pieces of me, and I’d fight to be worthy of her with every breath in my lungs and every beat of my heart. She was the sole reason I lived on this earth. To serve her, worship her until she realised she had always been a goddess made to rule me.
We broke apart an inch and her eyes locked with mine, wide and unblinking telling me she’d felt that as sharply as I had. I couldn’t get air in my lungs as I held onto her and fought with the raging urge in me to assert ownership of her. My dick was iron hard and aching for one girl only and she was it. The single creature who I’d ever truly desired.
“I’ll give you some space,” JJ’s voice cut through the air and I released Rogue, turning to him where he stood in the patio doorway staring at us. His jaw was tight and Rogue pulled out of my grip as I adjusted my swelling dick in my shorts and gave JJ an apologetic look.
“Stay, man,” I encouraged. “We won’t be all over each other while you’re here.”
“Nah, I’ve gotta drop by the club anyway. It’s payday,” he said, a huge smile breaking across his face, but it didn’t seem to touch his eyes. Had I pissed him off?
“We’ll run a new job soon,” I said. “If you want?” I added quickly and he nodded, but he seemed distracted as he turned and walked away.
“Wait, JJ,” Rogue called, pushing to her feet.
“You alright, baby?” I asked with a frown, the sound of the garage door reaching us as JJ left.
“Yeah…I just needed a word with him,” she muttered distractedly.
The rumble of his car engine swiftly followed and I got up, diving into the pool and starting my swim. Rogue headed inside and Mutt appeared with a yawn, jogging around her ankles as he looked for a tickle, but she didn’t seem to notice him there.
She disappeared out of sight and my chest knotted as I wondered if she was angry that I’d kissed her. It hadn’t exactly been a choice though, more of a fucking need written into my damn bones. I couldn’t have fought against it even if I had the strength of a titan. So maybe I was just over thinking things because for once me and Rogue seemed to be on the right track at last. And if I was lucky, everything was gonna work out for us like I’d always hoped.
I just had to prove I was the better option than Maverick - plus deal with that motherfucking distraction to her regardless - then once she realised I could be all she needed, there was nothing else that could possibly go wrong. And after ten years of suffering, I was ready to get started on our happily ever after.
I snatched my ph
one and jogged up to my room with Mutt scurrying around my heels, a soft whine escaping him as he looked up at me.
"I know, boy. I'm on it," I promised him, slipping into my bedroom and hitting dial on JJ's number.
I leaned back against the door, listening to it ring and ring and ring before the voicemail eventually cut in. I dialled again. And again. On the fourth try, the call cut off halfway through the second ring and when I tried again it went straight to voicemail. For fuck's sake.
I tossed my phone down at the foot of my bed then quickly stripped and changed into a shorts and crop top combo before tying my hair in a high ponytail and jamming JJ's pink sunglasses onto my face.
I kicked on a pair of white sneakers then snatched my phone, keys and the flick knife I now carried everywhere before hurrying back downstairs.
Fox was still swimming laps out in the pool and I chewed on my lip as I stood watching him for a few moments. In theory I had more freedom now. I could come and go when I wanted, but he also sent a platoon of Harlequin thugs to follow me wherever I went 'for backup' in case Shawn showed his face. Though I guessed there wasn't anything weird about me heading up to Afterlife, so I decided not to make any attempt to shake off the escorts for my trip. I had no desire to give Shawn any kind of chance to strike at me if I could avoid it.
I grabbed a notepad and quickly jotted down a message for Fox, telling him where I was going then snatched a can of Coca Cola from the fridge and headed for the garage.
It was as hot as a crab's left butt cheek today, so despite the puppy dog eyes Mutt shot my way, I told him to stay where he was in the aircon rather than bringing him out to bake with me. Then I jogged down into the garage, hopped into my red Jeep and headed onto the drive.
I had to give my entourage a couple of minutes to jump in their own cars. Unfortunately, the death glare I shot the guy who tried to climb in with me wasn’t enough to get him to leave me driving alone and Eddie just gave me a flat look as he reclined in the seat beside me.
“You know the rules,” he said with a shrug. “No point taking it up with me if you don’t like them. Talk to the boss.”
“Yeah, yeah,” I sighed, making a mental note to tell Fox I didn’t appreciate having a passenger in my car with me when I went out. Surely the entourage following me was enough. Though in all fairness, Eddie seemed nice. So I guessed I could have had a worse bodyguard.
As soon as the gates rattled open, I took off down the winding streets which hugged the cliffs before cutting a beeline to Afterlife.
JJ's orange Mustang was parked out front, half blocking the entrance to the place and I blew out a frustrated breath as I swung my own car around back and took a space in the crowded lot.
There was a show on today and it looked like there was a big turn out for it, but this conversation couldn't wait and if JJ wouldn't even pick up his fucking phone, then he was going to have to have it in person.
I hopped out of my car, striding towards the entrance with the gang of Harlequin goons trailing me like shadows. It put me on edge, mostly because I knew they had good reason to be there.
My gaze skipped between the crowd of people who were sitting out on the terrace which overlooked the distant sea and I couldn't help but hunt for Shawn amongst them. He'd have to be damn insane to show up at a Harlequin stronghold like this, but I was well aware that he was more than a few screws loose of a full set, so I wasn't gonna underestimate the levels he'd go to in hopes of winning this war.
An excited squeal announced my friends before I was bundled by them, Di and Lyla smooshing me in a hugathon as they bounced up and down, making me laugh.
"I'm so ready for your life dramas to chill the fuck out," Di groaned. "You missed a killer party on the beach last night - Carter tried to go surfing in the dark while shit faced and almost drowned. Jake had to haul his ass out of the water and give him CPR. It was freaking hilarious."
I smirked at that visual while Lyla started filling me in on some of the gossip from around the trailer park. I still didn't know all that many of the people she was referring to, but I snorted a laugh as she told me about a fight that had broken out between two of the guys over a girl who they'd both thought was their girlfriend. It turned out she'd been playing them both and robbing them blind as well and she'd taken off while the fight was still in full flow and hadn't been seen since.
Bella was working behind the bar and she flashed me a smile, her eyes bright for once, lacking the added dullness she usually brought on by self-medicating.
The music changed and Lyla groaned. "That's our cue," she said, pointing towards the stage out in the sun which was looking suspiciously empty. "We'll be working a long shift until later tonight, but you should stay and get drunk. We can have a party for four back at your trailer afterwards and you can catch us all up on the Harlequin D you've been bagging."
I scoffed lightly, glancing over my shoulder towards my bodyguards but they'd all spread out around the bar and none of them were lurking too close by.
"I've got some damn good stories for you," I agreed. "But right now, I need to find JJ."
"He's in his office," Di said, pointing across the room to a door marked for staff entrance only. "Showed up a while back looking pissed as all hell. Came out back to the dressing room and warned all of us to put on a damn good show today because he was in the mood to fire people then stormed off looking like he had a porcupine wedged up his ass."
"That porcupine would be me," I sighed. "Wish me luck."
The girls did, but they looked more than a little nervous on my behalf as they hurried away to take their places on the stage. I pushed through the crowd, lifting cash from a few pockets as I went, before remembering I'd promised JJ I wouldn't do that here and doubling back to return said cash to said pockets with a pang of regret. It was probably best I didn't piss him off any more than necessary though, so I waved goodbye to my easy money then strolled right on past the goon blocking the door to the staff area of the club. He gave me a healthy dose of side eye, but he clearly recognised me so didn’t make any move to stop me.
It was a little quieter back here away from the music, though I could still hear it thumping through the walls.
I kept walking all the way to JJ's office, pushing the door open without bothering to knock when I got there.
Johnny James was sitting behind his desk, a bunch of paperwork spread out before him while he ignored it in favour of drinking tequila straight from the bottle and scowling at nothing.
He paused as he looked up and found me lurking on his threshold, his eyes brightening then darkening as he set the tequila down with a heavy thump and settled back in his chair, folding his arms across his chest.
"What do you want, Rogue? I've got work to do."
"Looks like it," I agreed, striding into the room and kicking the door closed behind me before snatching the tequila and taking a hit from the bottle. It burned like a motherfucker on the way down and I scrunched my face up as I smacked the bottle back down on the table.
Silence fell between us while JJ just continued to scowl at me and I huffed out a breath of frustration.
"Just spit it out, JJ. Whatever it is is clearly eating you up, so just give it to me straight."
"Shouldn't I be asking you to do that?" he asked bitterly. "Or were you planning on stringing me along a little longer before you told me you'd decided on Fox in the end after all?"
"What the fuck are you talking about?" I snapped. "I've made it more than clear to you that I want you. But you know how complicated it is with me and the others too. The five...four of us are so tangled up in each other that I don't think the knots will ever come free. So why is me kissing Fox suddenly the end of the fucking world?"
JJ winced at my slip over Chase, but he clearly wasn't going to let his grief get in the way of his anger.
"Because I know what Fox wants from you. I know what he'll demand from you. And I'm more than used to watching him get his own way every fucking time. Don't get me wron
g - I love the bones of that man, but as much as he might be my brother, he's also my fucking boss and he's made that clear to me time and again ever since the day we were initiated into this fucking gang."
"Fox might control you, but he doesn't control me," I growled.
"Sure. Not now. Maybe. But I know how this goes. I remember how he was with you when we were all kids. He used to scare off every and any guy who even thought about trying to get close to you. And he might have been okay with the three of us hanging out with you alongside him, but he always made it more than clear that the future he saw was one with you and him together. You're his end game, Rogue and you always have been. So where does that leave me?"
"Do you think I don't know that that's what Fox wants from me?" I demanded. "I get it. He's told me. And I've told him that I'm not ready for that. That I'm not looking for monogamy or any of that bullshit yet and-"
"See, there it is," JJ snapped, shoving to his feet. "Yet. You're not ready for that yet. Which means eventually you will be. You'll be ready to pick and settle down and have a fuck ton of kids and that one little word tells me you already know that it'll be with him whether you've admitted that to yourself or not."
"No it doesn't," I snapped angrily. "I didn't mean that. I don't want that. Haven't I proven to you enough times how much I care about you?"
"By spreading your legs and showing me just how much you enjoy my cock? Yeah, sweetheart, you're real good at showing me that. And I'm fully aware that I'm a damn good lay. But fucking me and loving me are two different things, aren't they?"
My lips popped open at the slap of those words and I just stared at him for several seconds. "JJ, you know I love you," I said in a low voice but he snorted derisively.
"Yeah, you love me," he agreed scathingly. "You love the boy who used to find seashells for you down on the beach. The asshole who made you that fucking bracelet you keep on your wrist. The kid who stole doughnuts with you and laughed with you and surfed with you every morning at dawn as often as he could. But you're not in love with me, are you?"
Carnival Hill (The Harlequin Crew Book 3) Page 19