This Is Me

by Finn

  When you’re in high school, there is a rule that you have to be seen in a relationship at least once. At least, it was a rule in our high school. Why? I have no idea, but for me, that was a problem. Sure, I could go and ask a random girl out, but I know I would hate myself for doing that, and I couldn’t exactly go and ask a guy out. So, I had to dodge a lot of questions regarding the topic.

  Did it make me feel bad that I occasionally had to lie to my friends? Yes. But what were a few small lies when I had one big one? It probably wasn’t the best way to look at it, but it was the only way I had to make myself feel slightly better about it.

  “Come on, Pete. You know what I mean.” Leroy gave me a little nudge, and I just looked at him with raised eyebrows.

  “I’m sorry. What Blaire thing?” I asked, really hoping that he would drop the subject, but deep down, I knew that he wouldn’t.

  “Don’t you have a thing for Blaire? Don’t you like her?”

  “I mean, yeah. As a friend.”

  “No, no, no.” Leroy let out a small chuckle. “You had a thing for Blaire. You have for ages now!”

  “It was a small crush,” I replied, trying to think of a way out of this.

  I knew that if I outright said I didn’t like her, Leroy and Andy would start prying and trying to get me with another girl. But at the same time, I didn’t want to say that I still liked her as, eventually, it could make things weird within the group—especially when I wasn’t going to make a move.

  “A small crush?” Leroy pressed, and I internally groaned.

  “Yeah, it’s no big deal.”

  “But it could be!” Leroy exclaimed, and I decided to pick up my walking pace to catch up to Blaire and Andy.

  “Just drop it, Leroy,” I warned before we caught up to the other two.

  “Oh, look. It’s the slowest walkers in the world. Good to see you two again!” Andy greeted us, and I gave him a sarcastic smile.

  “Let’s get some seats?” I suggested, and the other three nodded in agreement.

  It wasn’t long before we did find somewhere to sit, and the game started. The cheers of two schools’ students filled the air, and I soon lost myself in the sound.

  “Well, that was bullshit!” Andy mumbled as we were walking back toward the car. “Can’t believe we lost. Again.”

  The game had finished way too soon for my liking, but then again, it always did. I would’ve liked to say it was close, but our school’s team got demolished on the field. Though I still enjoyed myself. I always did when I was out with my friends. It didn’t matter what we were doing, as long as we were together, I still found myself having fun. Watching a game of football was just a bonus—even if our team did lose.

  “Ah, well. It’s just because Leroy wasn’t on the team,” I stated and shot Leroy a quick wink.

  In return, I got a bright smile. One that lit up his face, crinkling his light brown eyes and showing off the slight dimples in his cheeks. It was a sight to behold.

  Tearing my eyes away from Leroy. A weird feeling had made its way through my body as I’d watched him smile. A warmth unlike any I’d felt before.

  Yes. I have seen guys that I had found attractive, and I had developed slight crushes on them. Andy was an excellent example of that. But they had all been brought about because of lust and nothing more. Whatever the feeling I just had was, I had never gotten it before. No one’s smile had ever done that to me before. Leroy’s smile had never done that to me before, and it had me panicking slightly.

  I stole another glance at Leroy, but he was looking in the other direction, slightly down at the ground. I shook my head to get rid of the thoughts and the feeling and quickly unlocked my car.

  “Shotgun!” I heard Blaire suddenly scream, and I looked up to see her knock Andy out of the way and jump in the car. “Suck it, fuckers!”

  “Son of a bitch!” Andy yelled before getting into the back seat with Leroy, who still wasn’t looking in my direction.

  I couldn’t say that it didn’t hurt that he wasn’t looking at me, but I had to see it as a good thing. If he didn’t look at me, I wouldn’t feel that flutter in my stomach, or the heat rush to my face. But at the same time, I still felt something, and I only hoped that it went away.

  Doing all I could to push all the thoughts out of my head, I got inside the car and looked over at Blaire who was clearly very happy about the fact she was sitting in the front seat.

  “Can we go to The Coffee House?” she asked, turning her attention to the two boys in the back seat who nodded in agreement before turning back to me.

  “Well, three against one. Guess I don’t have a choice.” I let out a small chuckle and kicked my car's engine over, giving Blaire a small smile while doing so. “Twenty-Four-Hour Coffee House, here we come!”

  “Hell, yeah! Caffeine!” Leroy yelled, and I looked in the rear-view mirror to see him smile again, though as he caught my eye, I saw it falter slightly, along with my stomach.

  Taking my eyes off him again, and silently cursing myself, I pulled out of the carpark and began driving to The Coffee House. The Coffee House that Blaire and I had gone to that morning, the same one our group went to almost every morning, was one of the great things about where we lived. Twenty-Four-Hour coffee. Seven days a week. They also sold food. It was heaven on Earth.

  When we arrived, I saw that there was no one else around, so I parked right in front of the doors, signalling everyone to get out of the car. Soon, we found ourselves sitting inside the warm, empty coffee house, waiting for our drinks to arrive, talking about the game we had just watched.

  “I think that if Kyle knew how to play football, we would have won,” Andy stated, playing with a few straws that had been left on the table.

  “I don’t think Kyle was the only problem on the field, Andy,” Blaire said with a chuckle. “I’m pretty sure the whole offence sucks ass.”

  “True, but even so… it was mainly Kyle.”

  “You just don’t like him,” I stated knowingly, taking one of the straws he was playing with.

  Andy and I were sitting opposite each other on the inside of the booth, both leaning up against the window that sat beside us. Blaire was seated next to me, much to Leroy and Andy’s pleasure, while Leroy had slipped in beside Andy.

  “He stole my rubber ball!” Andy defended himself.

  “Like, three years ago! Let it go!” I retorted letting out a laugh.

  “Never. I haven’t bought another rubber ball since then.”

  “I don’t think that has any correlation to what Kyle did.”

  “Oh, stop with the big words, Peter. We both know I don’t know what correlation means.”

  “That’s because you don’t pay attention in class,” I replied, taking the second straw away from him.

  “I do pay attention. I just forget,” Andy responded, turning his nose up slightly.

  “Yeah, ‘cause you’re a dumbass,” Blaire chipped in, causing me and Leroy to let out a laugh.

  “I’m not even going to argue with that,” Andy said with a chuckle, taking back one of the straws I took.

  “Here are your drinks.” A young male waiter appeared and placed four cups of coffee on the table slowly and carefully before shooting us all a smile. It was at this moment that mine and his eyes met, and we stared at each other for a moment, and I shot him a quick smile back before hurriedly turning away.

  “Fuck, I love coffee,” Andy muttered as he held his mug in two hands and took a few sips.

  I smiled at my friend before stealing another glance at the waiter who had brought us our coffee and saw that he was already looking over at me but quickly looked away when he caught my eye. Smiling slightly to myself, I turned back to the coffee in front of me and began to drink it, taking in the warmth of the cup and the company of my friends.

  All too soon, our drinks were finished, and Andy was announcing that he needed to get home.

  “My dad will kill me if I don’t get home soon.”

&n
bsp; “Yeah, same,” Leroy joined in and gave everyone a sheepish smile.

  “Alright, then. I guess it’s time to go. I’ll pay for this, don’t worry,” I gestured to the four cups on the table. “I’ll meet you three in the car.”

  As Andy, Blaire, and Leroy nodded and got up out of the booth, I dug around in my pocket and threw Blaire my keys.

  “Alright, boys! You heard him!” With that, Blaire led the other two out of the coffee house and into the car park to go and sit in the warmth of my car.

  Smiling to myself, I slipped out of the booth and wandered up to the counter where our waiter was already standing.

  “Is everything okay?” he asked, the same smile he held before still sitting on his face, causing me to smile back.

  “Yeah, it’s great. Just here to pay the bill,” I replied, still smiling stupidly.

  “Alrighty, just one second,” he stated, while typing on the computer in front of him.

  As he did, I took in the sight of him properly for the first time. He had wavy, light brown hair and sweet baby blue eyes. His facial features were soft, and it looked as though he had a routine to keep it that way. Even though I was gay, I still wasn’t very good at talking about boys and being attracted to them. But I could say that he was cute, and it was enough to get my mind off Leroy.

  “Alright, that’ll just be nineteen dollars and eighty cents!” he stated, and I nodded while grabbing my wallet out of my pocket.

  “It was, uh, excellent coffee,” I said, mentally slapping myself.

  “I’m glad you enjoyed it!” He replied with another bright smile, and I was mentally screaming while I handed him the money that I owed.

  “Yeah, me too!”

  Why did I have to be so awkward talking to people I found attractive? I quickly tried to compose myself while he got my change.

  “Have a good rest of your night,” he said with a small chuckle and another smile, and all I could do was nod while a long and endless scream echoed in my mind.

  After I stowed my wallet back into my pocket, I quickly made my way out of the coffee house and into the carpark, almost running over to my car and jumping inside.

  “Geez, why are you in such a hurry?” Blaire asked with raised eyebrows, and I panicked slightly.

  “It’s fucking cold!” The words came out of my mouth before I had time to think, but it seemed like a good enough reason for my friends as they all nodded in agreement, and I once again kicked my car's engine over.

  In just under an hour, I was sitting in my car alone, in the driveway of my house. Between Andy’s complaining about the game, the talk of school the next day, and the goodnights, getting everyone home had taken longer than it should have, but I had eventually gotten it done.

  It was almost midnight when I walked through my front door and slipped up the stairs and into my room. On game nights, I was allowed to stay out late.

  As I fell onto my bed, I felt a wave of relief rush over me. Though that relief quickly faded away when I closed my eyes and the thoughts of a certain waiter floated into my mind, along with the face of one of my closest friends. Groaning to myself, I tried to push Leroy from my mind and solely focus on the waiter and only the waiter. I didn’t want to relive the awkwardness that I had created in The Coffee House. I just wanted to think of his face.

  As I lay there, however, I let my eyes wander around my darkened room until they landed where my computer sat, and the small ‘on’ light glowed in the darkness. Staring at the light that slowly dimmed and then brightened, my mind couldn’t focus on the waiter. But it didn’t drift to the video either. Instead, it landed on the one person I didn’t want to think about and the smile he’d given me earlier in the night.

  Do all gays fall in love with everyone who smiles at them? Or am I just a fucking mess?

  -Four-

  Falling All In

  “Peter, are you doing the work?” The rasping voice rattled around in my ears as I looked up from the work I had in front of me.

  I was sitting in my math class and had been assigned some random problems to solve, mainly to pass the time, as my class was ahead of the others in the grade. However, I hadn’t started and instead had been doodling quite a deformed-looking rabbit while I let my mind wander.

  It was now Thursday afternoon and it had been a few days since the game on Monday. Since I’d felt a weird surge for Leroy. Thankfully, I hadn’t experienced anything like that since then. However, I still couldn’t seem to get my mind off of him when I was alone. Not so much him, but on the way that I felt when I saw him smile, and then the feeling I got when he avoided looking at me. I had no idea what any of it meant. I could only hope it meant nothing, but I couldn’t help but wonder.

  The thing was, I had never looked at Leroy in any way other than a friend. From the moment that we’d met, we had hit it off, just as I did with Andy. Though, unlike with Andy, I didn’t get a crush on Leroy. I didn’t feel anything other than friendship for Leroy. But now, I couldn’t seem to stop noticing the smallest details about my best friend.

  Like the way he always blushed when you looked at him, and he was already looking at you. The smile he got when you mentioned one of the things he loved. How every time he laughed, his whole face lit up. It was these little details that I was only now starting to notice. Every minuscule thing that he did seemed to be under a magnifying glass, and I was seeing everything, and I couldn’t stop my stomach from fluttering in his presence.

  Then, of course, there was the waiter from The Coffee House. After thinking about him over the previous days, I came to realise that I knew him. He had gone to my school the past year and was a year above me. He had obviously picked up some work at The Coffee House. I hated to say it, but thinking of him was a good distraction from Leroy, despite being left with a slight pit in my stomach, though I wasn’t sure why.

  “Yes, Ms Lane, I am,” I lied smoothly, slightly covering up the drawing at the bottom of the page. “Almost done, actually.” That may have been a bit too much.

  “Oh, good. Then I’ll get you and Leroy to come up and solve the problems on the board,” Ms Lane said with an evil smile, gesturing toward me and Leroy who was sitting on the other side of the room, and I silently cursed at myself.

  As we both stood up, Leroy glanced at me and gave me a smile, which I returned, happy that the feeling in my stomach wasn’t getting too out of control. Thankfully, on Tuesday morning, things had been back to normal between Leroy and me, and he had jumped in my car with a broad smile and warm greeting. Of course, the giant smile and friendly welcome had caused me almost to have a heart attack, but I’d managed to keep myself held together, just as I had been doing for the last few days.

  “You weren’t doing the work, were you?” Leroy asked in a whisper as I arrived beside him at the front of the room.

  We were now both standing in front of the large whiteboard that took up most of the front wall, looking up at the two math problems that Ms Lane had written on it. They weren’t the hardest problems, but I was horrible at math, so I knew I would struggle slightly. I had no doubt in my mind that Ms Lane had planned for that.

  “You got me,” I whispered back, shooting him another smile, doing my best to act normal in front of him before training my eyes on the board before me. “I may, or may not, have drifted off slightly.”

  “You do that all the time.” Leroy chuckled, already starting to work on the problem in front of him.

  “I have a creative mind, shut up,” I mumbled, doing my best to work out the answer to my problem, though not with much luck.

  Leroy and I fell silent, both working on our math problems on the board, but I was finding it hard to concentrate. I could have easily blamed it on the fact that there were too many students whispering and mumbling, or that I hadn’t been sleeping for the past few days, but I knew that wasn’t it.

  It was a particular smell that was lingering around me that was causing my mind to wander slightly and stopping me from concentrating. It wa
s faint and smelt as though it had faded with the day, but it was still there. It smelt like coconut, but with more of a buttery scent. If I was honest, it was a fantastic smell, but it wasn’t that alone that was making me not be able to focus. It was where it was coming from, and as Leroy shifted slightly beside me, reaching up to write something on the board, the smell hit me a little harder.

  “Crap,” I muttered under my breath as I looked toward the floor, deciding that I would stop breathing through my nose.

  “What?” Leroy asked in a hushed tone, obviously hearing me.

  “Oh, I, uh, I have no idea what I’m doing,” I quickly muttered back. It wasn’t untrue, because as I lifted my head and brought my eyes back to the board, I could honestly say I didn’t know how to work out the answer.

  I looked over at Leroy, who was now studying the problem that was in front of me on the board. His eyes were squinted slightly and look of concentration was on his face. It was cute.

  Jesus Christ, what was wrong with me. I had no idea why I was suddenly thinking these things now when I had never felt anything for Leroy before. I knew that he was attractive, but I would never have looked at him in a romantic way. Now, however, ever since the game on Monday, in these little moments, I couldn’t help but think about him.

  Leroy took his eyes of the math problem and glanced at me before quickly scanning the room around us. My gaze followed his. Seeing that the teacher was helping a student on the other side of the room, both me and Leroy turned our attention back to each other.

  “I can help, but we’ll have to be quick.”

  “Are you sure?” I asked, turning my head again to see that Ms Lane was still preoccupied.

  “Yeah, it’s easy. Here.”

  Leroy quickly finished writing up a few numbers under the problem he was solving before grabbing me by the shoulders and shuffling me, swapping our positions. I stared at him, a little dumbfounded, and after he gave me a quick wink and scanned the room once more, he began working on the problem that I was meant to be solving while I watched him.