This Is Me

by Finn

  I understood that more than anyone.

  “Look, Brad. The way I see it is, you don’t have anything to lose. If you don’t get it, nothing changes. Yeah, you might be bummed out by it, but you’ll move on. You’re a big boy. You’ll get over it. But if you get it…” I trailed off, not so much because I didn’t know what to say, but because I liked the drama that came with it. Before I could finish what I was saying, however, Bradly finished it for me.

  “I’ll be pursuing my dream.”

  “I mean… that wasn’t what I was going to say, but basically, yeah.”

  We both stood in silence for a moment before Bradly gave me a small smile and nodded.

  “Alright, thanks, Pete. We don’t speak of this again?”

  “Never.” I nodded and turned away from him.

  “Don’t do anything stupid tonight.”

  “I’m not an idiot like you. I’ll be fine.” I gave Brad one more smile as he shook his head.

  “Have fun.”

  “Thanks, Brad.”

  With a small nod, Bradly walked back to our parent's car and slipped into the back seat. With a few waves, my family drove away and rounded the corner, and Brad’s words echoed in my mind.

  “God, I hope I don’t do anything stupid.”

  -Six-

  Finding A Safe Zone

  “It’s fucking freezing,” I murmured through clenched teeth just as I felt Blaire’s arms wrap around my waist. “Where are those assholes?”

  “I know, it’s getting colder. Spring sucks. Not as bad as winter, though,” Blaire muttered back, doing her best not to chatter her teeth together.

  We had been standing outside of Blaire’s house for almost half-an-hour after my family had left, and Andy and Leroy still hadn’t shown up yet.

  “I love how you’re focusing on the weather and not the fact that I’m going to be late for my own birthday.”

  “I’m sorry, I’m sorry,” Blaire said with a small laugh. “I’m sure they’ll be here soon.”

  Shaking my head, and silently cursing my friends who were supposed to have arrived almost an hour ago, I let Blaire snuggle in closer to me. I guess that’s what happens when you agree to meet people who have been friends since they could walk. They always got caught up hanging out with each other.

  Andy and Leroy, from what I had been told, had known each other since they were babies. Their parents were family friends, and they’d been hanging out with each other since they could identify shapes. I had only been brought into the fold at the start of our primary school years when I’d met Andy. Blaire had been welcomed into the group with open arms at the beginning of our high school days. Even though we all considered each other best friends, Andy and Leroy were at the centre of that.

  “They’d better be here soon,” I muttered, and I heard Blaire quietly hum beside me.

  I didn’t want to be standing out in the cold for too much longer, and considering my birthday party was waiting for me back home, me standing here was not where I should be.

  Thankfully, not five seconds after I had said something, I saw Leroy round the corner at the other end of the street. Andy closely followed Leroy, tapping him on the shoulder before suddenly breaking into a sprint down the road toward Blaire and me.

  “Sorry we’re late!” He called over the sound of his feet slapping against the pavements, as he quickly looked behind him to see Leroy gaining on him. “Hide-and-seek tag got out of hand. Safe zone!” He added just as he reached us, and Leroy grabbed his shoulder.

  “What? You can’t do that!” Leroy complained, looking at Blaire and me for backup, but we both raised our hands to distance ourselves from the game they were playing.

  “I just did, Roy. We have to be civil now.”

  Andy laughed and gave Leroy a little nudge, causing him to roll his eyes and, yet again, I saw the hint of a smile on his lips, and I mentally slapped myself to stop from smiling like an idiot at the sight.

  “I knew I should have sprinted,” he muttered, and Andy widened his eyes slightly.

  “You can run faster than that?”

  “Yeah. That’s why I trailed for the football team,” Leroy stated with a chuckle.

  “His only problem was that he couldn’t play football,” I chimed in and received a playful glare from Leroy. I felt a slight discomfort in my stomach but chose to ignore it. “Are we ready?” I asked and received nods from everyone.

  “Let’s get moving. I’m gonna get frostbite if I stay out here any longer.” Blaire pulled away from my side and opened the back door to my car, slipping inside.

  “I have so many questions,” Andy mumbled, looking over at Leroy who had his eyebrows raised.

  “What?” I questioned, looking from Andy to Leroy.

  “First, why not wait in the car? It’s freezing. Two, why didn’t Blaire try to get shotgun—”

  “Shotgun!” Leroy yelled, cutting Andy off.

  “I’m going to kill you,” Andy threatened, before focusing back on me. “But, what’s more important right now is you and Blaire getting all cosy.”

  “What? We’re friends, and we were cold. I’d do the same with either of you,” I defended. However, just the thought of me and Leroy snuggling up in the cold warmed me up enough.

  “That brings up the car question again. Why not wait in there?” Andy pressed. “Maybe it was all part of your plan.”

  “Andy, there is no plan,” I retorted, my voice turning into a harsh whisper. “Now, get in the car.”

  “You’d tell us if anything was going on between you two, wouldn’t you?” Andy asked, starting to move toward the car, his voice as low as mine.

  “Of course, I would.”

  I wasn’t lying, which was the main thing. If I were in a relationship, with anyone, not just Blaire, I would tell Andy. I would tell all of my friends. The thing was, I wasn’t planning on getting into a relationship any time soon. Mainly because there was one massive obstacle I needed to get over before I did that. Two, if we included the Leroy obstacle. Which I very much did.

  “Alright. I just want you to know that you can confide in me.”

  At those words, I felt a slight stab in my heart, which I tried to ignore, but it was proving difficult. There was nothing more I wanted to do than to confide in my friends and tell them everything. But something was holding me back. There was something always holding me back, and I wasn’t sure how to get around that. I wasn’t sure how to break free.

  I did my best to recompose myself, and I smiled at Andy, doing what I could to show him that nothing was going on with me.

  “I know. Trust me. You’d be the first to know.” I added a small wink for good measure, and it seemed to pay off as he gave me a slap on the back and a big smile before walking to the other side of the car and getting in.

  “We should really get to your party, Pete,” Leroy said, moving to the passenger side door.

  “It’s about fucking time.”

  Taking in a deep breath of the cold night air, I slipped inside my car and brought it to life, pulling away from the curb. Out of the corner of my eye, I saw Leroy shooting me a few glances, and I tried to ignore him. Every time I felt his eyes on me, however, it felt as though my stomach was dropping through the bottom of my car.

  “Are we almost there?” Andy asked, which somehow managed to pull my stomach back to where it was supposed to be.

  “We literally just started driving,” Blaire muttered, and looking in the rear-view mirror, I saw her looking at Andy, shaking her head.

  “Ugh, I’m just pumped to get started! I finally get to legally drink with Pete!”

  “It’s not going to be any different to the other times.” Leroy laughed, throwing his head back.

  “I’ll know the difference, and that’s all that matters.”

  “You’re a weird kid,” Blaire said with a small sigh.

  “Gotta maintain my image.” Andy snickered. “You should see me at home—”

  “If you bring up someth
ing about masturbation, I’m going to jump out of this car,” Blaire warned, and Andy went quiet for a moment.

  “I’ll wait until we both have a few drinks in us.”

  “I’m going to need a lot more than a few.”

  “Huh, they really did start without me,” I muttered, interrupting the riveting conversation in the back seat as we pulled up to my house.

  People were walking all over the front lawn and stumbling into the house. Groups had already formed, and it seemed drinks were already flowing.

  “Is your family not concerned about stolen things?” Leroy asked, looking at me as I killed my car’s engine.

  “I’m one hundred percent sure they’ve hired someone to watch over the party,” I answered, feeling my heartbeat begin to speed up.

  Usually, I wasn’t too freaked out about parties, but there was something different about one that was being held at my own house. Truth be told, the main thing that was freaking me out was how many people were now in the house where a video of me confessing who I was resided.

  I had no idea why I was freaking out. My computer had a password, and it was protected. No one could get into it.

  “Are we going in, or are we just going to sit in the car for the whole night?” Blaire asked, answering her own question and opening the car door.

  As soon as she did, my car was filled with the low thumping of the music that was coming from my house, and a small smile graced my face. The soothing beat of the music seemed to calm me down

  “Let’s do this!” Andy yelled, following Blaire’s movements and getting out of the car.

  Leroy gave me one more glance before we both got out of the car, following Andy and Blaire up to my house.

  Greeting a few people on our way up to the house, I made sure to catch up to Blaire and stick close to her. I may have been used to parties and been to a few, but this one was different. Somehow, though, Blaire was always able to help keep me calm. Staying close to her was the smartest thing I could do.

  “You good?” I heard Blaire whisper into my ear, and I smiled to myself, before turning my head in her direction.

  “I’m good. It’s weird feeling this nervous walking into my own house, though.” I felt her nod as she lightly grabbed the sleeve of my jumper and pulled me into the house, making sure that I stayed by her side.

  Wading through the cluster of people that had piled into the front hall, we soon found ourselves in the back yard, and I did my best to look around to see if I could see Andy or Leroy.

  “They must have split off from us,” Blaire stated, noticing that I was looking around, and I nodded in agreement.

  “Yeah. They must have. Sneaky fucks.”

  “You sure you’re good?” Blaire asked again, and I looked down at her, nodding once again.

  “I’m fantastic. I think I just need a drink. Or five,” I added in a murmur, and I saw Blaire nod before gesturing that she’d be back in a second.

  It may not be a good idea to drink so much since a lot was going on in my mind, and mixing alcohol into my blood may cause some of those thoughts to come spilling out.

  No. I needed to push everything out of my mind. I deserved to have fun, and damn it, I was going to.

  Standing alone at a party was an odd sensation. Standing alone at my own party was even weirder, especially when there were plenty of drunk people around me, dancing and having fun.

  I hadn’t expected a ton of people to hang around me throughout the night, even if it was my birthday party. A few people did wander over while I waited for Blaire and wished me a happy birthday. Some also told me they had left a gift for me in the house. They all kept moving, though. All onto the next thing to drink or do.

  Sighing to myself, I leant up against the wall of my house, looking out into the yard at all the other people who had found their way out into the fresh air. Many of them were standing around talking and drinking, but there were a few who were partaking in a few drinking games. I did hate to admit it, but Brad had done a great job of setting the party up.

  Looking around at everything that had been set up in the back yard, I realised that I had no idea what any of the games were, but it seemed like a lot of them involved cups. Though much to my concern, one did look to include darts, and I made a mental note to steer clear of that.

  After a few more minutes of waiting, I saw Blaire make her way back out of the house and toward me, and I decided to meet her halfway.

  “Here you go,” she said, holding out a red cup to me, which I carefully took.

  “Do I want to know what it is?” I asked, studying the dark liquid in the cup before shooting Blaire a questioning look.

  “All you need to know is that it will have a little kick to it.” She gave a small laugh before taking a sip of her drink and pulling a sour face. “Caitlyn was mixing the drinks, and I’m pretty sure she’s about to pass out. So, don’t be surprised if she’s mixed two spirits and left out the coke.”

  “Awesome.” I chuckled. “Thanks for the heads-up.”

  Cautiously, I lifted the cup to my lips and took a small sip, almost spitting it back out straight away. The moment it touched my tongue, I knew that Caitlyn had no idea what she was doing as it felt as though it was burning a hole in my flesh.

  “Holy shit, that’s bad!” I exclaimed a minute after forcing myself to swallow. A burning sensation lingered in my mouth and throat.

  “I can go and make you a proper one if you want?” Blaire offered after suppressing a laugh.

  “No, no. I’m good.” I offered her a small smile and took another sip, regretting it almost instantly. “If I keep drinking these, I’ll be out of it in no time at all.”

  “I’m not looking after you if you pass out.” Blaire shook her hand and linked her arm with mine before walking further away from the house, pulling me with her.

  “I’ve never passed out before, and I’m not going to start now.”

  “You got pretty close at Reynold’s party two months ago?” Blaire asked after letting out a laugh, causing me to groan slightly.

  The memory of what had happened that night was still seared into my mind. I had arrived late to the party, by which time, everyone else had already drunk enough to kill all of their brain cells. Wanting to join in on the fun, I had decided to take two shots of straight vodka. Putting it lightly—it didn’t go down very well. It took the majority of the night for me to start feeling like I could stand again, and even then, I could barely last two minutes up on my feet. I was surprised that I could remember that night at all.

  “That was… not my proudest moment,” I mumbled, taking another sip and cringing at the taste. “Oh, my God. I’m a lightweight.”

  “You may be, but you do pull off a drunk disorderly very well!”

  “Thank you, Blaire.”

  We both let out a laugh before falling silent and observing the party around us. Both Blaire and I never really got too involved in parties. We’d much rather watch other people do stupid things while we slowly get drunker and drunker as the night goes on. The stupid things get funnier with every drink.

  Sadly, however, Andy and Leroy did not share this trait with us and were often two of the people we watched do stupid things. They really thrived in those kinds of situations.

  “Peter!” Leroy’s voice floated across the yard, causing a few people to look at him before scanning around to look at me. To those who found me, I gave them a small nod and turned my attention to Leroy, who was now bounding across the grass toward me. As it wasn’t a vast yard, he was soon standing right in front of Blaire and me, beaming at the both of us.

  “Hello, Leroy,” I greeted him with a smile and saw that his face was already flushed red, giving me an indication of how much he had been drinking.

  “Guess what, guys?” He slurred, turning his head toward Blaire and then back to me.

  “Is he gonna actually make us guess?” Blaire turned to ask me, and I shrugged.

  “It’s a possibility. He has done that bef
ore—” I didn’t get the chance to finish answering Blaire, as Leroy pushed my shoulder and let out a loud, bark-like laugh.

  “I have done that!” he stated after containing his laughter before entirely composing himself and continuing to stare at us as if he was waiting for us to guess.

  “I think he is waiting,” Blaire said, trying her best not to laugh.

  “Maybe if we just stand still and stay quiet for long enough, he’ll go away,” I suggested, squinting my eyes slightly at Leroy, who replicated me. As he did so, a broad smile grew on his face.

  As it did, I felt my stomach drop. My heartbeat sped up, and it felt as though the world was spinning. I could have blamed it on the alcohol, but I had a sinking feeling it wasn’t what I had been drinking that was causing it. As I continued to look into the bright, smiling face of one of my best friends, I started to realise that I was beginning to feel something for him. I couldn’t explain why I had suddenly started to feel the way I did, but I couldn’t seem to push past all of the little things he did. Each day, I seemed to notice more and more.

  The way that he would flick his hair when he said anything sarcastic or sassy. How every time one of his friends were talking, he would take in everything they said, even if it was something that may not have interested him. Every time he acknowledged me when I was talking and got talked over. The way he rolled his eyes at his stupid jokes but laughed at everyone else’s. All the little things he did were being brought to the front of my mind as I stood looking into his eyes, and all I could do was pretend like I wasn’t thinking about kissing him right then and there.

  “Okay, Leroy, are you gonna tell us?” Blaire interrupted our staring contest and ripped me out of my thoughts, causing me to look at her instead of Leroy, and I couldn’t have been more thankful.

  For a few more moments, I still felt Leroy’s gaze on me before it lifted, and only then did I look back at him, hoping that I wasn’t blushing, even though I knew I was as I could feel the heat in my face.