This Is Me

by Finn

  “Which is?” Bradly asked, sitting up a little straighter in his chair and looking over at me.

  “Well, this thing is a big deal, yeah?” Bradly nodded at my words, so I continued, “and you’re excited about it? I mean, you’re excited about the opportunity?”

  “Well, yeah, I guess, but—” Bradly started, but I cut him off.

  “Then go for it. Look, I know that there’s doubt in your mind and that you’re a little freaked out about heading overseas to perform, but isn’t that the dream? Didn’t you take up dancing because you loved the feeling you got when you did it? You loved the adrenaline when people watched you?” My face held a questioning look as I asked Bradly these questions, and I could see that he was thinking a lot of things through.

  “Yes, but it’s a big step, Pete,” Bradly challenged, and I shook my head at him.

  “What’s different about touring around this country than it will be touring around another? Dancing is dancing, Brad. People don’t have to speak your language, or look like you, or believe in what you believe in. If they love dancing, they don’t care, as long as you’re good at it.

  “As much as it pains me to say this, and I will do my best not to repeat it, but… I’ve seen you dance, Brad, and you are good at it. So, it shouldn’t matter where you dance, or who you dance for, or how many people you dance in front of because you’ll smash it. Go for the audition. The worst-case scenario is you don’t get it. But think of what’ll happen if you do. Think of where you’ll go.”

  Bradly looked at me as I finished speaking, and I turned away from him. The kitchen had become silent, and the toasted cheese sandwich in my hand had gone cold, but after a few more moments of not speaking, Bradly broke the silence, clearing his throat.

  “I think you’re right.”

  “What’s new? Now don’t catch me being supportive again,” I mumbled and jumped down from the counter, downing my cold sandwich and putting my plate in the dishwasher. “And also, your birthday next year isn’t happening.”

  “Thanks, Pete. But you know you’ll forget about the whole birthday thing by next year.”

  “Don’t mention it. Ever. And also, fuck you.”

  I gave Bradly one last look and saw him smile stupidly at me before resting his head on the counter, letting out a sigh. Knowing that there was nothing else that I could say to help him, I headed out of the kitchen and dashed through the house and up the stairs to grab my bag and car keys.

  “I’m off to school!” I called out as I made my way back down the stairs, and I heard a few muffled voices call back.

  The morning pushed forward, and I was soon walking through the parking lot of The Coffee House with four coffees in my hand, shaking my head at Andy, who was modelling on my car.

  “Geez, you took your sweet time!” he called out and slid off the hood of my car. “We were just having a shoot.”

  “For the disabled?” I questioned and received a chuckle from Blaire and Leroy.

  “Just give me my coffee, Peter.” Andy scoffed and grabbed one of the coffees from my hand after I showed him which one was his before jumping into my car’s backseat.

  I looked at the others questioningly.

  “Blaire called shotgun,” Leroy informed me, and Blaire laughed at the surprised look on my face.

  “I know, right? I’m getting good at this game!”

  “It’s not a game!” Andy called from the car, and Blaire closed the door in his face.

  “Whatever. Anyway, what took you so long?” Blaire had turned her attention back to me, and I averted my eyes from her and looked at Leroy, who was already facing me.

  The truth was, the cute waiter had been working, and there was a possibility that I had done my best to keep the conversation between us going. If I was honest, it didn’t go as well as I had hoped, mainly due to the immense amount of awkwardness that seeped from my body, but I did manage to get his name. Not from him directly, but from the badge on his shirt. It was Samuel.

  Leroy and Blaire didn’t need to know about my flirtatious attempt on Sam though. Hell, Sam didn’t even know about it.

  “Something happened with the coffee maker thing,” I lied, finding it challenging to come up with something to explain why it had taken so long to get four coffees.

  “I think it’s just called a coffee machine, Pete,” Blaire stated with a wink before getting into the front passenger seat of my car.

  Leroy let out a soft chuckle.

  “What?” I questioned, moving toward the driver’s side of the car.

  “Nothing,” he responded with a smile plastered on his face. A beautiful, bright smile that reached his eyes and illuminated his whole face, and it seemed Sam no longer existed.

  God damn it.

  “Nothing,” I mocked, tearing my eyes away from Leroy and shook the feelings away.

  Though the feelings didn’t go away as I jumped in the car, and for the entire drive to school, I found myself looking in the rear-view mirror continually, just trying to get a glimpse of Leroy. The thought that it was starting to become an obsession crossed my mind on more than one occasion while I was driving, and I couldn’t find any way to counter it.

  An obsession? It hadn’t even been a week since I’d started feeling something for Leroy, but I couldn’t stop myself from thinking about him and wanting to see him. I wasn’t sure how much longer I could continue to act normal around him and pretend like there wasn’t something going on. At the rate that I seemed to be developing feelings for him, it didn’t look like it would be for very long.

  “Wait!” Blaire yelled after I had parked the car in the school’s parking lot, and she reached over me to lock the car doors.

  “Blaire, what the hell?” I asked her and caught a glimpse of Andy and Leroy smiling sheepishly in the back seat.

  “You haven’t said anything about yesterday,” Blaire said slowly, and I rolled my eyes.

  “I was hoping guilt would eat away at you all.”

  “Oh, it did,” Andy chimed in, giving Leroy a nudge. “This one almost had a stroke playing along with the prank.”

  “You all suck,” I muttered, unlocking the doors and slipping out of the car.

  “Do you want your presents now or at the party?” Blaire called out to me as she got out of the car, and I opened the boot.

  “That depends. Did everyone stick to the gift card rule?” I asked, grabbing my bag out of the boot of my car and moving back so the others could get to theirs.

  “Sure did,” Leroy said with a smile, slinging his bag over his shoulders, and I looked around to see Andy and Blaire nod.

  Our group had a simple rule when it came to birthdays. The only gift we are allowed to get each other is gift cards. Unless the recipient is with you when you’re purchasing the gifts. It stops many unwanted presents from being bought.

  “You can just leave them in my room at the party. You’ve soiled the receiving ceremony.”

  Tagging along with our gift card rule, was a small ritual we held on each other’s birthdays. The receiving ceremony—which is where the gifters get to throw their purchased gift card at the receiver. Like ninja stars.

  “What? Pete!” They whined as I closed the boot of my car and began walking toward the school.

  “Nope. You all ruined it.”

  A few more mumbles and groans later, we stepped inside the school.

  “Alright, losers, let’s do this!” Leroy yelled as we slowly walked down the school's hall toward the large staircase at the other end, causing a few people to stare at our group.

  “I’d rather not,” Blaire mumbled, and I gave her a slight nudge and smile.

  “I’ll see you all at lunch, except you, Pete, I’ll see you in maths!” Leroy stated cheerfully, giving everyone in our group a smile, which we all returned.

  “Oh, yay,” I drooled sarcastically, and Leroy’s smile became brighter, before he turned off from the main hallway, toward his homeroom.

  I continued to look after him until
a wall obstructed my view, and I turned my attention back in front of me to watch where I was walking.

  “See you soon, Blaire.” Andy gave her a slight wave as Blaire veered off and into her homeroom, leaving just myself and Andy walking to our shared homeroom.

  “So, the party tonight…” Andy trailed off as we both walked into our homeroom and sat down in one of the back corners of the class.

  “The one that you’re reinviting Donny to, yeah.”

  “Yes. Sorry again about that. But anyway, moving forward, the beforehand part…” Andy trailed off again, and I knew exactly where he was going with this.

  “Andy—”

  “I’m just saying!”

  I groaned at the implications of me getting ready for the party at Blaire’s house when her family wasn’t home. If it were up to me, I would get ready at my own house, but Brad was being super weird about setting it up and not wanting me to be there while he was doing it. Blaire, for some reason, had taken his side.

  I had a feeling I knew what Andy was thinking and no doubt what Leroy was also thinking about the situation. However, it wasn’t what was going on in their minds that worried me the most. It was what was going on in Blaire’s mind.

  She was a little more closed off than Andy and Leroy, and at times it was hard to read her and know what she was thinking or feeling.

  On the one hand, I enjoyed spending time with her, and over the years we had known each other, we had become somewhat close. But on the other hand, I didn’t know if she only felt friendship toward me. I could only hope that she did, as I wouldn’t be able to forgive myself if I was leading her on.

  I wanted to tell her the truth. I wanted to tell all of my friends. I tried to accept myself. If I was honest, I probably didn’t have anything to worry about, but I couldn’t help but feel a pit in my stomach and a particular fear from circling in my head.

  “Quick question,” Andy said suddenly, forcing his voice into a whisper as our homeroom teacher finally walked into the room.

  I pulled out of my thoughts and focused my attention back onto Andy, who wasn’t looking at me at all, and instead was facing toward the front of the class.

  “For me?” I asked in a whisper, unsure if it was me that he wanted to ask.

  “Did you get Leroy to do your Maths homework?” Andy asked instead of answering my question, and I instantly knew he was talking to me and was grateful he had changed the subject.

  I let out a light sigh before I answered. “He offered.”

  “Yeah, well, he bailed on playing Halo with me to get it done.” Andy huffed, though keeping his voice low as our teacher, Mr DeJulius, started marking off the present students.

  “That’s not my fault. Maybe you’re more boring than math’s homework,” I defended, and Andy shot me an offended look.

  “Maybe so, but Halo? No, no. Halo is much better than math’s homework.”

  “Depends which Halo,” I countered, and Andy tilted his head in contemplation.

  “You’re right. Damn it. I knew I should have played Halo Two.”

  “Well, maybe next time.” I gave Andy a small nudge, causing him to roll his eyes at me.

  “Peter Stone?” Mr DeJulius called out, and I raised my hand.

  “Maybe next time, you can do your own homework.”

  “Andrew Tully?” Mr DeJulius’ voice floated to the back of the classroom again, but this time, it was Andy who put his hand up.

  “He offered!” I stated in a harsh whisper but just shook his head.

  “I hope he forgot to bring it.”

  I faked a shocked look at Andy’s words, dropping my jaw and raising my eyebrows, though before I could say anything, another bell rippled through the school and Andy got to his feet and turned to me.

  “See you in English, Halo ruiner,” he shot at me, before blowing me a kiss and wading his way through the rest of the students and exiting the class.

  “Is that even a word?” I mumbled to myself, collecting my things and heading out of the room toward my first lesson.

  Apart from the fact that I spent the entirety of my maths lesson and all of lunch doing my best not to stare too much at Leroy and failing miserably, the rest of the day was quite good.

  Most of the students seemed to be in high spirits, excited about the party that night. Some of them had even brought balloons to school in celebration. Many of them tried to give them to me, which I found very hard to decline. By the end of the day, I had several tied to my bag.

  One thing that wasn’t as good as the rest of the day was me not being able to avoid Donny throughout it. Sadly, Andy hadn’t gotten to him, and I had to deal with him. The good news was, I didn’t get my face punched in. Blaire was currently asking all about the encounter as we leant up against my car out front of Blaire’s house while we waited for the all-clear from Bradly for my birthday party.

  “He really doesn’t like you.” Blaire let out a laugh as she tried to get more comfortable against my car, though kept her eyes on me.

  “It’s not a secret,” I mumbled, sliding my back left and right across my car, trying to keep warm.

  “Is there a reason?” Blaire asked, propping herself up on her elbow.

  “I rejected his sister.” I chuckled, but I could feel my face heating up.

  “Oh, still that? I thought he would have gotten over that. It’s been, like, two years.”

  “Yeah, I’m not that lucky.” I pushed off my car and hoped the cold air would be a good excuse as to why my face was red.

  “Why’d you say no again? She’s pretty.”

  Mentally, I was screaming. The conversation that was circling was simultaneously one that I wanted to have and one that I wanted to avoid at all costs. Was I going to tell Blaire the real reason? No. I wanted to, more than anything, but I couldn’t bring myself to do it.

  “She wasn’t my type,” I responded, shrugging. “And I didn’t say no. We dated for a day. Then I said no.”

  It wasn’t a lie per se, as, technically, she wasn’t my type—mainly, because she lacked a particular pronoun.

  “That pissed Donny off?” Blaire questioned with a chuckle, and I nodded.

  “Yeah, apparently it upset her a little bit.”

  “Ah, Pete. Such a heartbreaker.” Blaire’s chuckle turned into a laugh, and I leant back up against my car.

  “Oh, yeah. That’s me for sure. Honestly, I don’t even know why Donny holds such a grudge. His sister doesn’t even care anymore.”

  “How do you know that?”

  “I’ve seen her at school, and she occasionally will still say hey,” I answered Blaire’s question with a shrug. “I think she’s got a boyfriend now.”

  Blaire hummed slightly before we both fell silent. I felt as though Blaire was thinking a few things over, and I couldn’t help but hope she didn’t start asking questions about my dating life. It was bad enough I had lied to Andy and Leroy about liking Blaire, I didn’t need to spin another lie to her.

  Thankfully, saving me from the possible onslaught of new questions, was my parent's car pulling up beside mine.

  “Alright, everything is set,” Bradly's voice drifted to my ears as he stepped out of the car.

  “You could have just texted,” I said, and he shrugged.

  “He wanted to wish you a happy birthday in person,” my mum said, rolling down the driver's side window, and I saw my dad lean across the front seat to look at me out the window.

  “She means dad.” Brad rolled his eyes, leaning up against my parent's car.

  “While that is true, and a happy birthday, son, Brad also didn’t want to leave without saying it.”

  “I thought you’d be at the party?” Blaire asked, and Brad shrugged again.

  “Don’t give him ideas,” I whispered harshly to Blaire, who gave me a small push.

  “Don’t worry about him, honey. Brad’s still freaking out about this audition,” Mum chimed in, and Brad groaned.

  “Mum!”

  “Oh, yea
h. Have you decided about that yet?” I asked, rubbing my hands together, trying to warm up.

  “Not yet. I have, like, two months before the audition, so I have some time to figure it out.”

  “I still think it’d be a wasted opportunity if you don’t at least try,” my mum said knowingly, and Bradly nodded before glancing over at me, as if he was reliving the conversation we’d had that morning.

  “Look on the bright side. You may not even get into the show,” I chipped in, shooting a smile at Bradly, who gave a slight smile back.

  “Peter!” My dad gave me what I could only describe as a ‘what-the-fuck look’.

  “What?” I questioned, still smiling at Bradly. “If he goes to the audition and fails, he can at least say that he tried.”

  “And if he gets it?” My mother inquired.

  “Alright, let’s not get ahead of ourselves,” I joked, causing Blaire and Bradly to laugh, and my parents to scold me.

  “Be supportive, Peter,” my father gave me a stern look, though I could see a smile playing on his lips.

  “I was supportive this morning, you all just missed it,” I defended.

  “Actually, Pete, I wanted to talk to you for a second,” Bradly asked suddenly, taking a few steps away from our parent's car.

  “Uh, sure?” I raised my eyebrows at him and moved toward him.

  “Just be quick. People will be arriving at the house soon, and Pete needs to get there.”

  “We have to wait for the dumbasses, anyway,” Blaire said with a shrug.

  “We’ll be quick,” I said, and Bradly guided me a little further away from the two cars.

  “So, uh, what you said this morning…” Brad started, trailing off, and I glanced back toward Blaire and my parents who were in idle conversation.

  “I said not to mention that,” I said, turning back toward Bradly, who smiled.

  “You mentioned it just then, so I thought it’d be okay.”

  “Ugh, whatever. What about it?” I asked, slowly swaying on the spot. Why was it so cold? It wasn’t even winter anymore.

  “I just… do you really think I should go for it?” Bradly’s eyes looked as though they were pleading.

  Pleading for an answer, and I could tell Bradly needed that answer more urgently than he let on. Not because of a deadline, but because he didn’t want to feel the uncertainty anymore.