by Finn
The events of the afternoon kept circling my mind, too, as I opened up to Brad. Maybe I should tell him all of it, and what happened with Leroy’s dad. It, no doubt, wouldn’t put my mind at rest, but at least I could get some advice. Or it could just make things worse.
So many things were racing in my head, and while the yelling from earlier was one of them, it was mainly the words that were carried. And as I looked at Brad, I remembered something else Leroy’s dad had said.
‘Don’t go near my son again.’
Part of me was seeing that as a threat, and paired with everything else that was said, I didn’t want to take that lightly.
Somehow, though, I didn’t think Brad needed to know all of that. For now, I figured he knew enough.
“I didn’t know you were so soft,” I joked, wiping the fear tears from my face, and looking back down at the small wet patch on my pillow.
“Tell anyone, and I’ll kill you in your sleep.”
“It’ll be worth it.”
A quiet fell once more, and I waited for Bradly to give me one last nod and leave, however, he didn’t move. Minutes passed, and the little calm that had settled over me slowly started to dissipate.
“Whatever happens, Pete, you got me.” Brad’s voice slipped into my ear, and I looked up at him again.
The look on his face gave the impression he could sense the panic that was once again rising within me.
“Gay,” I muttered.
It was odd having Brad being so supportive. Apart from the conversations we’d had about his dancing opportunities, it was sporadic for us to be open with each other. It was usually insults, sarcastic remarks, and jokes. While it was a refreshing change, I couldn’t help but feel as though I had been thrust into an alternate reality.
“Sometimes, you’ve just got to pretend like the world isn’t against you, Pete,” Brad started, ignoring my comment and knotting his eyebrows as if he were in deep thought. “Because… if you stay behind a barricade. If you put walls up around you, you’ll never go anywhere. You’ll be stuck in the same place, pretending to be something that you’re not.”
Brad paused for a moment, and I looked away from him again, waiting for him to collect his thoughts again.
“Pete, I don’t know what it’s like to be… you. Or like you. But you’ve spent so long pretending to be someone else, because of what people will think, what they’ll say. Especially at school. I may not know what it’s like to be you, but I know what it’s like to have people say things. When I first started dancing, Pete, I was the butt of a lot of jokes and a lot of harsh words. I was called gay more times than I can count, and that was just because I was doing something I enjoyed.”
Looking up at Brad in the new silence we found ourselves in, I saw that he was already looking at me.
“If I had listened to what was being said about me and took it to heart, I would never have gotten to where I am. I mean, I have an audition of a lifetime because I kept being who I was meant to be. I’m a little feminine. I have ‘girly’ mannerisms. Hell, I still have a limp wrist.” Brad laughed and did a small gesture, letting his hand flop, and I couldn’t stop myself from smiling.
“But those things aren’t any more than actions,” he continued, “who you are and what you believe are what defines you. They’re what make you who you are, regardless of what anyone says. You have been hiding who you are, Pete. You’ve never gotten a chance to be yourself. Now is your chance. I know it’s a fucking terrifying thing, but you deserve to be happy. Happy with who you are and what you’ll become. No more hiding. No more facades. Just… be you.”
Brad fell silent for another moment, and I nodded along with his last words, feeling a few more tears slip from my eyes.
“Who cares if people see the video? Who cares if people know who you are? You will find yourself if you let yourself be who you are.” Brad smiled again, getting up from my bed, and looking down at me. “You’ll also find people who will like the real you. I have no doubt your friends will be some of those people.”
Turning away from me, Brad began walking across my room toward my door as I stayed on my bed, hugging my pillow.
“Thank you,” I said quietly, and I heard Brad snicker from my doorway.
Even though Brad’s little speech wasn’t about Leroy’s father, I couldn’t help but place his words onto that situation. I shouldn’t care what he thinks, nor should I stop myself from seeing Leroy because he said.
Things seemed to be becoming more complicated, and all I wanted to do was be myself. Was I the one making things more complicated?
Maybe Brad was right. Who cares who saw the video? Who cares if people knew I was gay? It shouldn’t stop me from being me. People will think whatever they want, and I will deal with. I have to.
“Same rule as when we spoke about my dancing audition?”
“Never speak of it again?” I asked, looking across my room at him, as he glanced back at me and nodded.
“Or I kill you.”
With that, Brad walked out of my room and closed the door behind him, leaving me alone with my thoughts. Thankfully, thanks to Brad, they weren’t all negative, and the idea of uploading the video circled my mind.
-Thirteen-
A Weighted Decision
My mind reeled all night. Thinking about Leroy, his father, what Bradly said, and the video I knew that I wasn’t going to get any sleep, and as the Saturday morning sun rose, and my alarm rang, I groaned.
I had no idea why I even set the alarm for the weekend. Perhaps I was a dumbass who thought I would actually get out of bed and be productive. Usually, that wasn’t the case, and I would turn my alarm off and go back to sleep. Today, however, was different, and as I turned my phone’s alarm off, I also rolled out of bed.
As soon as my feet hit the ground, I felt the weight of the sleepless night settle down on me, and each step across my room was like dragging boulders that were tied around my ankles. My shoulders slumped, and my arms hung as it felt as though my hands had turned into two-tonne weights.
Reaching my desk, I pulled my chair out and sat down, slumping back in the seat. Closing my eyes, I tried to clear my mind but had no luck, and while my eyelids were getting heavier by the second, I knew I wouldn’t be able to keep them closed. Nor did I really want to. Doing so made it much harder to clear my mind. Straining them open once again, I looked at the blank screen of my computer, and my thoughts landed on the video I had made.
“Why do I care?” I whispered to myself, feeling my breathing get heavier as my emotions began to run amuck.
I had no idea if I was sad, angry, anxious, or something else. All I knew was that my stomach was having a field day thinking about the video and what Brad had said. Perhaps it was a mixture of all of those emotions. After all, I was a walking train wreck.
Suddenly, I felt a vibration in my pocket, and I slowly pulled my phone out, surprised it still had any battery left. Looking at the screen, I could see I had a message from Andy. In all honesty, if anyone saw how I named people in my phone, they would already know I was gay.
From The Bambi-Andy
7:37 amPete you raspberry donut
7:37 amAre you awake?
I’m slowly getting there 7:38 am
7:41 amLook, don’t worry about what Roy’s dad said. He has no idea what hes talking abut
7:43 amRoy doesn’t care so don’t think it’s going to stop us all from haning out
Looking down at my phone, I smiled. The horrible feeling in my stomach slowly vanished, and while it still churned, it was from happiness.
I had no idea what Leroy had told Andy, but it was clearly everything. From his father yelling to even the almost kiss. Wait, would he tell Andy about that? Does that mean he noticed I was leaning in? Does that mean they know I’m gay?
And there goes the happiness.
The mixture of feelings that had once been replaced came rushing back as my mind began to reel again.
Shaking my head, I backe
d out of my messages with Andy, and found Blaire’s contacts and called her. After a few rings, she answered.
“Hillbilly Bitch, what did you do?” Blaire’s voice came through the phone, and if I hadn’t been panicking, I would have laughed.
“I need to talk to you.”
“Bitch, I’m already outside of your house. Come let me in.”
“Why are you here?” I asked, getting up from my chair and swaying on the spot.
Fuck, I was tired.
“Because Andy rang me at fucking six and told me to check on you,” Blaire said, and I shook my head again as I walked out of my bedroom.
“I’m not a child. I’ve been yelled at before.”
Making my way down the hall quietly as to not wake anyone and starting to make my way down the stairs, I stifled a yawn, wishing that I had gotten at least some sleep.
“Andy said this was different. Just hurry up.”
Blaire sounded impatient, and I found it in myself to move a little faster, and while it felt like the staircase and hallway kept getting longer, I finally made it to the front door and unlocked it.
I had no idea what Blaire meant by what she’d said, or what Andy could have meant by saying it was different. All my mind was focusing on was that Leroy had told Andy that I had almost kissed him. That Leroy’s dad had seen us. That they both now knew I was gay.
“Finally,” Blaire said, ending the call with me and shoving her phone in her pocket. “Jesus, you look worse than usual.”
“Thanks,” I muttered, gesturing her inside and closing the door. “Come up to my room. No talking until we’re there.”
Blaire nodded and placed her index finger to her lips in an exaggerated way. I didn’t want my parents to hear about what had happened. I may have been thinking about posting the video and telling everyone who I was, but I wanted to do that on my terms.
Dragging myself up the steps with Blaire behind me, we soon got to the upstairs hall and made it to my room. Closing the door behind us, I walked over to my computer chair again and sat down while Blaire sat on the edge of my bed, watching me intently.
“Are you going to tell me what they told you? I don’t really want to overshare,” I said, looking back at Blaire, spinning my chair back and forth.
“Okay, okay. You went to Leroy’s. You spoke—”
“I don’t need a shot-for-shot.”
“Right, right.” Blaire laughed and rubbed the back of her head. “So, you were in Leroy’s room doing stuff.”
Doing stuff? What the hell did that mean? I hoped Leroy hadn’t exaggerated. We didn’t even do anything!
“And then Leroy’s dad barged in,” Blaire continued, all while my face heated up. “And there was a whole bunch of yelling, and he told you several times to stay away from Leroy.”
“Yeah, not gonna lie, that is one scary man. Is Leroy okay?” I asked and stopped spinning in my chair.
While Leroy had been on my mind for the entire night, I hadn’t really stopped to think if he was alright. Yes, it was horribly selfish for me not to even consider how he was feeling after everything that had happened, but there was a lot on my mind. Though, thinking about it now, my heart sank.
“He’s… Andy didn’t say too much about him. I just know Leroy is at his place now.”
Blaire relaxed on my bed, and leant back, keeping herself propped up on her elbows and letting her eyes drift toward the ceiling.
“You haven’t spoken to him?” I asked, continuing to watch her.
“No. Honestly, I thought you already would have.”
“I didn’t want to make things worse.” I groaned, leaning back in my chair, my eyes following Blaire’s gaze to the ceiling. “What if he didn’t want to speak to me again and it was a huge mistake? I could have made things a thousand times worse if I called.”
“Oh, Pete. It wasn’t a mistake. His father is just…” Blaire trailed off, and I looked back down at her.
After a moment, Blaire pushed herself up and stood up from my bed, walking over to me.
“You’re not going to hug me, are you?” I asked, squinting at Blaire.
I had no idea why I asked that or why I did so in such a defensive way. I could use a hug. And a nap. Or a light coma.
“Well, I was just going to rest my hand on your shoulder and tell you it’s going to be okay. But since you’re being a slut about it, I guess I’ll just stand here like a tool,” Blaire said, sighing, though eventual resting her hand on my shoulder.
“Thank you, Blaire,” I said quietly, and I felt Blaire’s grip tighten on my shoulder.
“Do you want me to stay for the weekend?” she asked, and I nodded instantly.
Friendly company was exactly what I needed, considering things between Leroy may have gotten a whole lot more complicated.
“Can we not talk about what happened, though? I think I need to focus on other things for now.”
“Of course, Pete. Just know, everything will be fine.” I looked up at Blaire and saw her smiling down at me, and I smiled back.
Pushing myself up from the chair, I walked over to my bed and threw myself on top of it, Blaire hot on my heels.
“I know I’m not the person you want to be spooning right now, but do you want to snuggle?” Blaire asked, falling beside me.
“You really had to go there, didn’t you?” I shook my head, though still rolled over and wrapped my arms around Blaire.
I really hoped I hadn’t fucked everything up.
*
“This whole thing has kind of got me thinking of uploading my video to the school’s social wall,” I thought aloud, spinning around on my computer chair.
It was Sunday afternoon, only two nights after my unfortunate afternoon with Leroy, where things had taken a colossally crappy turn. Thankfully, Blaire hadn’t brought the afternoon up over the weekend, even though I could see her itching to talk about it. I did receive a few texts from Andy, however, none of them gave me any information on Leroy. The main phrase he used was, ‘don’t worry.’
That was easy for him to say.
Leroy hadn’t even tried to get in contact with me. No calls, no messages. My fears of them knowing I was gay were being slowly confirmed. Though, Leroy’s unnerving quietness was not putting my mind at ease.
Somehow though, after what had happened and the worry I was feeling, my mind was focused on the video. And even though they were my words, I felt my stomach twist and turn at the sound of them, and I heard Blaire gasp beside me.
“But everyone would see it!” Blaire stated, getting up and walking around my room.
Blaire wasn’t wrong. If I did post the video on the school’s social wall, everyone would see it. But that was the point, and if that was the outcome I wanted, the school’s social wall was the best place to post it.
The social wall was a website that you automatically get signed up for when you got your school email. It was initially made, many years ago, so teachers could let students and parents know what was happening with assignments, field trips, formals, and everything else. Over time, however, students started using it like any other form of social media. At first, it was just the older kids, but soon enough, everyone started using it—all the time. Now, even people who no longer went to the school still used it to keep in touch with old teachers and friends.
It was like Facebook. Without the ads and privacy concerns.
Uploading my video to my profile on the social wall would be broadcasting my coming out to the entire school, including its students, it’s teachers, students who have left the school, and even student’s parents.
This was a horrible idea. Why the fuck was I thinking about doing this?
Maybe it was because I was tired of being so careful with everything I did. Or I was just tired.
My mind, however, kept resting on one specific reason. Maybe if Leroy had known before, we wouldn’t have ended up in the situation we did.
I understood why he was hesitant to speak with me again. He may n
ot have a problem with me being gay—but trying to kiss him? That was a problem. A big fucking problem and it should never have happened.
Was it a sound and logical thought? I had no idea. Blaire, on the other hand, thought I was making a lot of sense.
“That’s a great idea, actually,” she said, continuing to walk circles around my room. “Just think—there aren’t any openly gay people at our school, so you could be, like, an inspirational quote to them.”
“Just… just say an inspiration,” I muttered, continuing to watch Blaire walk around my room, her hands gesturing wildly as she spoke.
She was much more excited about the prospect of posting my video than I was. I was mainly panicking. Which seemed to be a general state for me recently.
“Don’t question my speaking patterns.” Blaire stopped pacing my room and glared at me before continuing. “Just think of the good that could come from this. You won’t have to hide anymore, and you can be as flamboyant as your heart desires!”
“I mean, you aren’t wrong, I guess.”
“Not sure why this was the push you needed to come out, but whatever floats that chubby little body of yours.”
“I’m not that chubby!” I defended, crossing my arms as Blaire came to stand next to me. “Besides, much to my own surprise, it’s Brad that got me thinking about doing it.”
“Your brother Brad? The guy who made you miss your own birthday?” Blaire asked with a chuckle, and I gave her a push.
“No one is ever going to let me live that down,” I murmured, spinning my chair to face my computer. “But, yes. That Brad. We spoke the other day about some things, and… maybe it’s time I was… me.”
“Well, that does make sense, and I do think it’s a good idea. No one should have to hide who they are.”
“True, but this could be the biggest mistake of my life,” I pointed out, and Blaire rolled her entire head. Like a fucking mad man.