This Is Me

by Finn

  “Which is a very flawed system.”

  Cooper shrugged. “At least we get a dance out of it.”

  “And fireworks,” I added, and I kind of wished I was joking. “Have you asked anyone out yet?” I asked, shifting my position on the chair to get a better look at Cooper, who was still swinging his legs.

  “I mean, there’s no one I really like, I guess.” Cooper sighed, scratching his head in a frustrated way. “It’s kind of hard when you’re trans.”

  “You know… you could always ask Blaire,” I suggested, speaking slowly and looking away from Cooper.

  “Oh, no, no. No, no, no, no, no. Can’t do that,” Cooper said quickly, running his words together and I looked back at him to see him shaking his head.

  “What? Why not?”

  “She’s your best friend, and I don’t know. It’d be weird!”

  “You seem to like each other, though. I wouldn’t think it’s weird.”

  “I guess. Maybe I could ask her. Maybe.”

  “Does… she know?” I asked stupidly, unable to stop myself.

  Yes, it was a concern of mine that Blaire would think of Cooper differently if she knew he was transgender, and I also knew that it wasn’t my place. So, why did I ask? Because I’m a fucking idiot.

  “Look, Pete, thanks for the suggestion and, uh, blessing, but you don’t need to worry about that. I can take care of myself,” Cooper stated bluntly, looking away from me, and I felt my face drop.

  “I’m sorry. I know it-it isn’t my place,” I muttered, staring at the table where my books used to be and fiddling with my hands in my lap.

  “It isn’t. And I’m capable of handling it.”

  Silence fell between the two of us as the sounds of other students filled out ears, all enjoying their lunchtime. After a few more moments of us sitting quietly, I looked back at Cooper, watching him swing his legs as he looked out onto the field.

  “Well, uh,” I started, clearing my throat, and Cooper turned to me. “I’m not a hot girl or anything, but, uh, I could go with you?”

  “Isn’t there a boy you wanna take?” Cooper asked, smiling at me, and I was glad it was back.

  “Oh, yeah. The options are limitless.”

  “You could ask Trent?” Cooper suggested, and I knotted my eyebrows.

  “I don’t think it’s wise for me, an eighteen-year-old, to ask Trent, a fifteen-year-old, to be my date.”

  “I mean, you have a point. Though, I’m not eighteen either.”

  “You turn eighteen early next year,” I said with a shrug. “Besides, if you don’t say yes, I won’t be going. Because I wasn’t going to go. But, if you’re my date…”

  “You are so awkward and cute,” Cooper cooed, and I felt my face begin to heat up.

  “Is that a yes?” I asked, trying to hide my blushing face.

  Why the hell did compliments make me so uncomfortable?

  “Yes. We will go together,” Cooper agreed, still smirking. “But only if you promise to help me get ready.”

  “Deal!” I smiled at Cooper as he held out his hand for me to shake it, and I did. “I will help you choose an outfit.”

  “Thank God. I have zero fashion sense.” Cooper laughed, dropping my hand and jumping off the table.

  “I have none either, but Andy does, so I should invite him if that’s okay?”

  “Yeah, of course! Does that mean…”

  “Yes, Blaire will probably be there to help, too.”

  “I mean, not that I care or anything,” Cooper mumbled, hiding his face as crimson crept onto it.

  “Mhm, of course not.”

  I was thankful for how quickly we had gotten back to normal after my overstepping before. I knew I shouldn’t have said anything, and now I know better. It’s none of my business, and I was going to respect that. All I had to do now was get rid of the worry in my head—which was easier said than done.

  “It’ll be awesome if they come. It’ll be just like the movies! A group of friends getting ready for a dance together!”

  “I’ve never seen a movie where that happens,” I admitted with a laugh as we both began to walk into the school.

  Lunch still wasn’t over yet, so I wasn’t sure what we were doing, but I was just following Cooper.

  “You’ve just been watching all the wrong movies then.”

  “Clearly,” I said with a smile before asking a question I should have asked ages ago. “Have you seen Trent?”

  “Blaire said something about him doing something for the ball,” Cooper answered as we walked into the school’s main hall.

  It held quite a few students. Usually, it was almost vacant during lunch, but a lot of students were helping to set up for the ball. Hanging banners, ribbons, and balloons around the school, along with giant posters boasting bright colours asking, ‘Who will be Peer of the Year?’

  It didn’t surprise me that so much effort went into the ball each year, as it was pretty much the only thing the school did that wasn’t crap. The jury was still out on the Peer of the Year, though.

  “Oh… I have more than one question,” I said softly, wrapping my head around Cooper’s words as we continued to walk down the hall. “When did Blaire tell you this, and how does she know? Does it have to do with her helping to set the dance up?”

  Suddenly, Cooper turned into a classroom filled with a few students, all waiting in line in front of the teacher's desk where a large box sat with a sign reading, ‘Peer of the Year Votes!’ in bright colours.

  “It sure does. I also found out she’s the reason there’s going to be fireworks,” Cooper explained, and we slowly moved up the line toward the teacher's desk. “And we text each other.”

  “Oh… fair enough,” I said slowly, looking at the bright box at the front of the classroom. “I can’t believe you lured me in here to vote.”

  “I didn’t lure you. You just followed me. But you do really need to put a vote in.”

  “Yeah, true.”

  “I mean, we all know who you’re going to vote for, but you gotta make it official,” Cooper said with a smile, nudging me.

  “You’re trying to get me to vote for you, aren’t you?” I asked with a chuckle, and Cooper beamed.

  “I would love that!” Cooper almost yelled, causing a few people to turn around and look at us. “But what about Andy, though? Or Blaire?”

  “The votes don’t matter anyway, Coop. One of the popular kids is gonna win,” I said, shaking my head and moving forward in the line.

  “Yeah, but still… where is Andy anyway?” Cooper asked, moving forward to the teacher’s desk and grabbing a pen and piece of paper that sat in front of the voting box.

  “Oh, Blaire dragged him along with her,” I said with a chuckle, moving away from the desk and walking out of the classroom.

  “But she didn’t get you?”

  “Oh, she asked, but I said no. Something Andy and Leroy have trouble with doing.”

  I spoke without thinking, and Leroy’s name came out of my mouth before I had time to stop it. It sounded so casual and normal. Like nothing had happened, and the pit of my stomach dropped, and for the first time since I had decided to let him go, I missed him.

  Shaking the feeling away, I heard Cooper speak.

  “Why’s that?” Cooper asked without missing a beat, knowing better than to focus on Leroy’s name.

  “Because she’s terrifying. Why are you looking at me like that? I need to pee,” I added as Cooper continued to look at me weird.

  “Oh, sorry. Fair enough. I need to pee as well,” Cooper said and pushed past me into the toilet.

  “Twins,” I muttered, following Cooper inside.

  “So, the plan is, hopefully, next Friday night, you, Andy, and Blaire come to my place, and then we go to the ball together?” Cooper asked, moving in beside me to wash his hands.

  “That is the plan… your mum won’t mind?” I asked hesitantly. I hadn’t even thought about Cooper’s mum when organising this in my mind. />
  “It'd be fine. Mum’s still a bit off from the break-up with my dad, but we’ve settled into the new house. She’ll be happy that I have friends.”

  “I’m sorry, Coop.”

  “Don’t be. I’ll let her know what’s happening.” Cooper shot me a smile before his face suddenly dropped, and I turned to follow his gaze.

  “And what the fuck are you doing in here?” Mitchell asked, moving further into the bathroom, and I could see why Cooper’s face had dropped.

  Mitchell’s face was contorted in a horrible way that made it seem like he was about to pull a knife out and go on a sudden rampage through the school. Or just stab the two kids in the bathroom with him. Unfortunately, that was Cooper and me.

  “Personally, I was just peeing. Washing my hands now,” I answered innocently, trying to keep my voice level, though it wasn’t working.

  Mitchell was probably one of the biggest homophobes in the school. He used to hang around with Donny, but ever since Donny had planted his fist in Mitchell’s stomach, they no longer spoke.

  Donny had seemingly gotten rid of the hatred he had felt for me, and we had spoken a few times over the past month. He was actually a decent guy and had personally invited Cooper and me to his party after the school ball.

  Apparently, we were the first to be invited. I hadn’t given him an answer yet. I didn’t want to have a repeat of my own party.

  Not surprisingly, though, the party wasn’t my concern right now. After Donny had left Mitchell curled over in the hall, Mitchell had sought out other students like him. Sadly, he had found a few. Now, the four homophobes, transphobes—and a lot of other phobes they fall under—all ran together.

  Due to how many people in the school looked up to me in a way, and saw me as no different from them, there usually wasn’t any problems. Cooper, Trent, and I often had people around us to stop anything from happening when the goon squad were around.

  Our luck had apparently run out. And, sadly, my comment had made Mitchell angrier.

  “Funnily enough, I wasn’t talking to you,” Mitchell snarled, continuing to walk closer, and I backed away into Cooper. “I’m talking to the thing behind you.”

  “The sink?” My heart was pounding fast, and I could feel my whole body trembling.

  “She shouldn’t be in here.” Mitchell took another step forward, and I felt Cooper behind me trying to hold me steady.

  “Move, Pete. It’s okay. He’s right,” Cooper whispered into my ear, trying to move around me, but I stopped him. Even though every fibre in my body was telling me to get out of the way.

  “I have no problem with making you move, faggot.” Mitchell’s words stung. My heart fell to the pit of my stomach, and I couldn’t stop my hands from shaking.

  “Well, that’s rude,” I muttered and in the blink of an eye a blinding pain shot up the side of my face, and I fell to the cold tile floor, causing pain to ripple through my whole body.

  “What the fuck did I just say?” Mitchel snarled in my ear, and I could feel his hot breathe on my face as I lay curled up in a ball on the floor, trying not to cry.

  Considering my situation and the extreme pain in my face, I was doing an excellent job of keeping them in.

  However, as he stood up straight again, and the thought that everything would be okay dashed through my mind, I heard Mitchell’s feet move. In an instant, I felt his foot slam into my stomach, and Cooper yelled as more pain cascaded through my body.

  -Twenty-Two-

  An Unexpected Confession

  “Peter!” Cooper yelled.

  His voice echoing around the bathroom as my cheek pressed against the cold tile floor and Mitchell stood over me.

  “You queers think you can walk around the school as if you’re not worthless,” he growled and took another step toward Cooper.

  As Mitchell stepped over me, he made sure to dig his foot into my gut again, causing me to curl up in pain.

  “We’re not,” I managed to mumble, and I heard Cooper whimper.

  “What was that, fag?” Mitchell snarled, and I heard him shuffle, no doubt turning around to look at me.

  “We’re not worthless.” My voice shook as I spoke, along with my body, but I wasn’t going to let that stop me.

  For once in my life, I wanted to stand up for who I was. I wasn’t going to let people turn away from me. Even if it ended in me getting my ass kicked even more.

  “Say’s the bitch crying on the shitty bathroom floor.”

  “Say what you want,” I muttered, shakily pushing myself up from the ground. Pain rushed through my body and rippled up the side of my face. “Throw another punch if it makes you feel better about yourself. But I’m going to keep getting up. Because there is nothing you can say or do that will make me feel any less of myself. Because I’m not the one who has to find his worth in demeaning others. I don’t have to drag others down because I’ll never be at their level. Just like you.”

  As the last word came out of my mouth, Mitchell’s fist connected with my face again, though this time I didn’t fall to the ground. I felt a pair of arms wrap around me and heard the loud bang of the bathroom door.

  “Pete!”

  Leroy’s voice washed over me as he leant me down against one of the toilet stalls, and I felt a trickle of warm blood run down my face.

  I clenched my eyes shut as pain scattered over my face, and I tried to move out of Leroy’s arms, but I couldn’t work up the strength. I didn’t need him.

  Forcing my eyelids open, I looked at the boy who had stopped me from falling to the ground and looked into his eyes. The sparkle that used to be so prominent in them had all but faded, and dark circles rested under them. The brightness he once held on his face was gone.

  He was almost unrecognisable, and the pit in my stomach grew. No matter the anger, or other feelings I had toward Leroy, I hated seeing him like this. I was feeling a pain in my chest that wasn’t from what Mitchell did to me. It was from looking at Leroy.

  What happened?

  Leroy turned away from me, and for a moment, I missed looking into his eyes. Quickly realising what I was doing, I shook my head, regretting it instantly as pain circled it. I didn’t think I could hold myself up, and against my better judgment and throwing all willpower out the window, I leant into Leroy’s embrace.

  I don’t know if it was because I leant into him or not, but Leroy gently propped me up against the door and moved away from me. I was now sitting alone on the bathroom floor. My head resting on the toilet stall instead of Leroy’s shoulder.

  Looking to where Leroy had gone to, I saw him standing in front of Mitchell, who had taken a step back.

  “You don’t want to be a part of this—” Mitchell started but was cut off by his own scream, as Leroy’s fist connected with his nose.

  “Touch him again. Or anyone else, and your nose won’t be the only thing I break,” Leroy growled, shaking his hand, which now had splatters of blood on it.

  “What the fuck!” Mitchell screeched, and I saw tears roll down his face to mix with the blood as he rushed past Leroy and out of the bathroom.

  Leroy took in a shaky breath and turned back to me, slowly taking a step toward me. From the look on his face, I could tell that he was unsure about his movements, and I didn’t blame him. After all, he was the reason we hadn’t spoken in over a month.

  “Are you okay?” He asked, taking another step forward and kneeling by my side.

  His hand hovered in front of him as if he were fighting the urge to touch my face where there was no doubt a bruise forming. Part of me wanted him to finish the moment. To let me feel the warmth of his hand and the softness of his touch.

  Leroy didn’t finish it though and, instead, he dropped his hand, resting it on the tile floor, helping to steady himself as he looked at me trying to hold myself up against the toilet stall.

  The other part of me—that didn’t want him to touch me—was yelling at me to tell him to leave me alone. That I didn’t need him or his hel
p. It was telling me to ask Cooper to help me up and get me out of the bathroom and away from Leroy. But I didn’t.

  As I looked into Leroy’s eyes, I couldn’t stop myself from feeling sad for him. Even after everything he had done, I couldn’t stop thinking that I was the bad guy. What if Andy and Blaire had been right this whole time? What if everything I had been thinking was wrong?

  What if Leroy wasn’t the reason for what had happened?

  My head pounded as each question bounced around it, and I let out an audible groan, which Leroy seemed to take as the answer to his question.

  Taking a deep breath, he shuffled a little closer to me and timidly put his hand on my shoulder, before shifting from off his knee and sat cross-legged beside me. A shudder ran through my body at his touch, which caused me a bit of pain, but I did my best to take no notice of it.

  I would have given anything to have had Leroy by my side at the beginning of all this, back when I had first come out. To have him sit beside me and just be there. To show me everything was going to be okay.

  Now, I didn’t know what I wanted.

  I had spent the past month being angry at him, and for shrugging off all of the excuses Andy and Blaire fed me. Even getting mad at them. I had spent the last month thinking I had done the right thing by cutting him out. By letting him go. But now, sitting here with him beside me—where I had always wanted him—I think I made the wrong choice.

  “Peter?” Cooper’s soft voice came from the far end of the toilets, and I tilted my head to look at him.

  “Yeah?” I croaked out, feeling a sharp aching in my jaw as I spoke.

  “Do you need a hand?” Cooper asked, and his eyes flicked to Leroy before resting back on me.

  I was thankful that he had asked, even if I wasn’t going to take him up on the offer. I figured it was time Leroy and I spoke to each other.

  Fighting off the throbbing in my head, I shook it.

  “Are you okay?” I asked, still doing my best to ignore the aching.

  “It should have been me,” Cooper muttered in a small, weak voice, stepping away from the wall.

  “No, Cooper. As far as I’m concerned, I did the right thing, and those punches were meant for me.”