Fools
Page 3
that he bashes his nuts into the toilet. I didn’t see it but he shouts ahhhh I broke my balls so loud that my calling the emts wasn’t needed, some happened to be passing by a mile back. So the paramedics come in and they see what happened and they’re like shit Joe this is the fifth time this week someone’s done this, and also have a look on their faces that suggests this is funny.
So I’m like he’s drunk just to let you know. They say we know he’s done this before, so have we. They pick him up puts his pants back on him and Dave happens by. So I tell him the details of the incident and then were like IDIOT in our loudest voices. We then go off to celebrate my witnessing of human idiocy at its height with pizza at the buffet Dave eats much more than I do in his celebration he ate 3 whole pizzas I had 8 plates of food and felt fine except for the runny nose I get when I eat a lot. Dave threw up and I jokingly call him a buffoon. So then afterwards they’re still trying to help the guy and the ambulance is outside and we see just how bad the guys messed up. The doctor arrives and busts out laughing when he hears my story of what happened. I tell him I am deadly serious and he almost joins me and Dave in celebrating the stupidity too.
He’s really tempted to do so, and it appears the doctor is intoxicated. In fact he is, but the guy didn’t know that (note this part is fiction). The doctor also has a secret, he claims he is in love with a stripper, but this one is female, it’s his wife (or so he claims) But he gives the guy a shot of morphine (remember he literally busted his balls) and then tries to patch him up at FAU’ s medical center. They were unsuccessful, unfortunately, and me and Dave mourn sorrowfully the man’s sex life going down the drain. He warns the man this is why you shouldn’t drink so much.
Apparently his blood alcohol level was .25. He was seriously impaired. He was so wasted I am surprised he didn’t go in the women’s bathroom by mistake. As it was me and Dave were laughing again, and this time while he was laying down he got rubber stamped with the word moron on it. The doctor actually put us up to it, saying he would stop doing things like this, so we thought hey that’s a good idea so we did it. The next day, he woke up with the words idiot and moron stuck on his head in bright black and red letters so everyone could see it.
He of course is embarrassed to hell and runs to the bathroom. So while he’s still drunk he goes to his frat room. We warned him about drinking again but he didn’t listen. I told him God was out to get him (jokingly) One of his buddies decides to have a little fun with him. He brings him to the dorm room, dresses him in girl clothes and gets the other guys to make him do the walk of shame.
Now, to make this better one of his friends woke up naked next to him. He flipped out and firmly resolved never to do drugs or alcohol for the rest of his life. Me and Dave are on hand to witness the walk of shame and we both took a pic of this moron. He didn’t actually have sex with another man ,but he didn’t know that. He ended up in our most highly esteemed fools hall of fame. The guy he supposedly slept with really was gay, but didn’t try anything, it must have been hard for him, since the other guy was the pretty boy type. It turns out later that both of them started stripping at Tattle Tales bar and grill in Margate. And yes they did eventually become lovers they had a marriage ceremony in May of last year, me and Dave attended and were given thanks for helping get those two together. They broke up though because Tits Mc Gee fell in love with a stripper and it was a woman stripper not his male one. That’s what I thought would happen. So after the fraternity incident we meet the doctor again who was high while on duty. He was like now the joint is in someone else’s hands, what are you gonna do now? I thought about that and said what if the joint was in his lawyer’s hands while he was on trial. He could go to jail for life or be executed. If it was in my professor’s hands I could flunk out of college, and if it was in the bus driver’s hands I‘d never make it to college alive. Well we break into his office and smoke a joint with him, then I tell him the gummy bears are out to get you. Of course, he flips out and lands in a garbage can where he spends the night because he is so messed up. Of course he also likes the sauce. Well of course we party hard at the doctor’s residence hall where he is put on academic probation the next day for getting an F on his final exam because he was so drunk he barely got his name right. It was his final, final exam. Of course seeing as he was so close to graduation and then he made one careless error, they let him try again. He barely got by, bringing his gpa up to a 3.5 and graduating. He then decides to throw another party where he passes out blunts to everyone who attends. Of course me and Dave come, but we bring the moonshine, and make fun of the doctor who is passed out drunk at his party. We crash at his place, while he goes around pretending he’s a TV doctor. The picture will be in my next book. We again sang somebody told me and pointed at him while doing so. The moral of the story? Don’t drink around your buddies, they will get you for it, and so will Dave and I. We live for this, by the way, we are making a video of this too. The next day he’s at it again so we decide to have more fun with him when he gets wasted. We give him a fake id with a porn star name, Busty Bridgette, and he eventually gets wasted after we put the id card in his pocket. He got
dressed in drag soon after being drunk, which made this even better. The shenanigans started around 9am when I got to school. So me and Dave parade him around in the drag with his fake id. He was a military student as well so this is just great I think.
I then show the pictures to his captain, and the guy just laughs. Then later it turns out he made him do pushups in the drag, and serve in the chow line while in drag. He took a few pictures himself as blackmail ammunition. I thought that was cruel, I mean blackmail isn’t cool, having fun is though. I was just out to mess with the guy, not completely humiliate him. Apparently the army has a lot of sadists in it. So then I take the picture I had taken and make copies to send all over FAU and Boca Raton. Of course Dave drives us all over the city and I drop the pictures like leaves all over Boca, while Dave roars laughing.
Apparently it spread fast that the guy likes this stuff and everyone points and laughs when they see him again. Of course, we had to sing somebody told me and point at him when he came back to Boca. I thought man, me and Dave are evil people to do this to him, but not feeling sad for our actions, I kept them up. Idiocy gets no mercy when we are around. Of course, it was more my idea than Dave’s so I naturally planned everything out. It was pretty funny though when the guy saw his pictures in trees and sewers and in the auditorium.
Finally, he saw it on the school scoreboard blown up so all the students who missed it could see it. Of course, he is embarrassed to hell about this and vows revenge on whoever did that. Well he gets the wrong guy and starts a prank war, which he loses badly since he picked a real practical joker to get revenge on. It turns out that he eventually left FAU and went back to the army. He was never seen again there, but Dave and I were, so we decide to make examples of these fools, and they didn’t want to be next.
So for the next few days I look around for idiots to exploit but find nothing. Dave however claims he found plenty. It later turns out he indeed has, but they’re all the same guy we made fun of last time, so I say come on man let’s leave him be he’s had enough. Dave disagrees and claims its our duty as scientists to expose the truth, no matter what. So we see the guy and we laugh at him. I was still feeling bad for him but Dave insists we make fun for all the stupid things he did, like crash his car into a parked car, trip over his own feet, and accidentally walk into a door two times in the same day. I called out to him saying hey door boy. He doesn’t answer at first, but eventually he admits to all his stupidity .Of course these are minor things compared to what he used to do, but still funny.
He was hung over, and going to class drunk as a skunk. I did this often. I wonder how I managed to get through college, and without being embarrassed like this dope. So again me and Dave videotaped what happens in this chapter. It’ll all be on vhs and dvd called Fools the documentary, real people doing real stupid things. They are not paid
actors but quote unquote geniuses. Haha geniuses like the men of Rochester, New York. In fact, if this book sells well, I might go to film on location in good ol’ Rochester to see the plumbers which are mentioned later. No seriously, I intend to do more research for the next book, which will be even better than the first. So we go back to the frat party the next day and the guy there is passed out drunk with stuff written all over him by pranksters. Dave grabs a bullhorn and says this is what happens when you drink and park. He sees the guy
passed out drunk and I help him drag the guy into the gutter, shave his head bald, and permanently marker a tic tac toe game on his newly bald head. The other bums said come on man we wanted to play tic tac toe on his head. I said hey we saw him first, then I said nah just kidding man here write on him. We left him there too and announced he was now in a gutter being written on by bums. I got to use the bullhorn for the rest of the night and I scared an old man into thinking he was being arrested. He was almost to the point of having a heart attack when I said freeze. He flipped out and said *^%$#@ college students after realizing it was a prank.
We went around pranking all kinds of people doing all sorts of things. I went into the parking lot and pranked a couple having sex in their car. I shouted this is the police, come out of the vehicle with your pants on. Of course they realized I wasn’t serious after some time. The guy got pretty mad and I took off like a bat out of hell. Who wouldn’t? I, no matter what Dave will tell you, am not a fool. I didn’t stop pranking people though. At the end of the night Dave says come on Joe they’re IDIOTS! For no reason. I agreed but asked why he still wanted to use the bullhorn to say it. We eventually pranked a real cop into letting us use his vehicle, even though I didn’t have a driver’s license.
I let Dave take the wheel and we almost wound up 3000 miles away from home because he took a wrong turn. I noticed we were in Minnesota a few days later. So I say Dave you fool we wound up going to Minnesota. Nah just kidding, I would have never gotten back from there. One of our favorite fools, who requested we not use his real name, did. I decided to call him Seymour Butts to save him from embarrassment. He turned out to be a college student who was majoring in the travel industry. Oops for him. He wound up there and flipped out realizing he had in fact driven 3000 miles, the wrong way. He I guess is a typical guy. So he finally realizes he goofed when he sees the Hollywood sign. At first he thinks he is in a bad movie, but later he realizes he is in California. Oh the madness. He flips out for about an hour before trying to ask for directions to Boca Raton. A failed actor happened to be happening along and said about 3000 miles in the opposite direction. So he says fine thanks, then spits out his coffee into his pants in a classical double take. So he speeds off to Florida. He gets back to Florida and he has not been to work in two weeks, needless to say he is fired. He also flunked his final exams because of his foolishness. He failed out of college. I realize this is excessive punishment for the crime of stupidity.
I decide to take the case (to help him get his life back in order) I seem to make a habit of helping the stupid. Unfortunately, I was not able to help him but I spoke to his boss and teachers. I figured if someone felt sorry enough for him to try to convince them he needed a second chance, then they’d give him one. Man was I wrong. His bosses ignored me, and his professors called me a fool. In fact, they shouted fool at me for interceding for this guy. I was insulted and didn’t try to get involved in fixing the real fool’s problems anymore. He of course, couldn’t get out of them and drowned in them. He now works at McDonald’s and lives in a trailer park with his 2 kids and his girlfriend who by all accounts is trailer trash. Actually, he got fired from McDonalds for being an idiot and spilling fry cooking oil on the boss. I have heard of worse, so I was not that surprised. So then me and Dave bust into his apartment with more evidence of his foolery. Dave had apparently seen the guy get lost on the highway again and hit some other fool who happened to slam on the brakes. It wouldn’t have been a problem if the guy had brakes to hit when he saw this. The fool, who’s real name was Henry James, couldn’t stop because he didn’t have the money to fix his car, because he lost his McDonalds job. We asked his roommates what they thought of him, and they all said well, he’s an idiot. They said Hank shouldn’t have gotten into college in the first place, I mean he’s not that smart as you’ve probably seen. He cheated all the way through high school off of people dumber than him. Somehow he managed to get by though. He eventually cheated his way back into college somehow and his old job too. Or he tricked everyone into thinking he belonged there.
Eventually he bumbled his way through his restaurant management classes and became head waiter at Chili’s, haha just kidding. He barely passed on his own he says and got a 2.0 gpa somehow. He must be telling the truth, if he cheated he would get better grades. He however, did have to go back to McDonalds because he was caught stealing free samples at his job. They started him out as a crew member again unfortunately .He eventually rose to middle management, then became the CEO of his own franchise. It’s the Peter Principle again. Eventually, however, the fool in him got him in trouble and he ran the company into the ground. Such a sad thing to happen to such a fine fool but it did. His coworkers stamped the word fool on him at the company’s last Christmas party. He woke up and shouted who did this? No one confessed. He later wound up having to work as a mascot in a chicken shop, and got a bad case of gas that got him in trouble everywhere. He ended up being the laughing stock of his graduating class and will probably go to his tenth college reunion as a bagboy in Publix or some other ridiculous thing. Seriously, I am scared
for him and for people in general because of his actions. He dragged his roommates and college buddies down with him too that’s the really scary thing. Actually, I just heard that he became an adjunct professor at beer can college. For those fools who don’t know what that is, its really Broward Community College. He belongs there with all those professors who couldn’t get real university teaching jobs. Haha just kidding, I might start teaching at a community college if I get my master’s degree in something.