Fools

by Joseph Mackey

  Chapter 3 A guy got kicked in the nuts by a mule. One day on the weekend off, I noticed some guy getting really angry, he was swearing up and down at his mule and he did the one thing you should never ever do to a mule or any other animal. He kicked it right in the hind parts . Well that got me to thinking what is going to happen to him. I knew he’d get kicked back but where he got kicked you wouldn’t have guessed, yep right in the nuts dead on full hit, ten points to the mule. I almost feel sorry for the poor sap. It is sad what our society has become, but it’s his own fault. Now I see this and crack up laughing because animal cruelty by people is never right, but if the animal hits the next of kin its funny. So I happen along and call the guy a certifiable imbecile for doing that. I mean you’re supposed to go to heaven on a mule not kick one.

  If you’re dumb enough to let one kick you in the nuts you are without a doubt an imbecile. So then he gets up swearing even more and I’m thinking this guy needs medical attention. I call the ambulance and they come and pick him up along with the cops to arrest him once he’s ok. Apparently kicking a mule is now a crime in Margate where the incident took place. I was told he is on felony charges for that. I called Dave and he says cool! What an idiot, we laugh like hell at the guy. We even go to the jail cell where he’s held to make fun of him, and we go to the trial where the judge a passed a sentence of 5 years in prison for getting kicked in the nuts by a mule essentially. We then sound the idiot alarm and do some air guitar rock stuff after the trial was over. We celebrate again and laugh because not only did he get kicked he went to jail. The next day, his son comes out and does the same thing. Now his son lived in Iowa where mules and fools go together. So he’s not too bright and gets mad at the mule for getting his father in trouble. His dad’s sentence was eventually overturned, but this guy kicked the mule, the mule kicked him in the nuts and he wound up landing in a large cow pie face first.

  I said oh shit when I saw this. (Pun intended.) It was grand, but the guy needed medical attention so I called 911 and they came. I told them to bring a lot of gloves since he landed in cow s&%$. The guy was embarrassed, but at least he knew better than to get too upset at me for saying that. So then the medics get there. They can’t believe what happened and they say hey guys get a load of this goof. Of course that moron was screaming so loud it was unbelievable. They had to operate on him, thankfully I wasn’t around for that. I’m sure it wasn’t pretty. As it was he was back to his normal idiot self in no time. Eventually, he moved to Rochester, home to the quote unquote genius. I’ll never forget this guy as he was the next of kin to that mule, since no one else was there .So then I decide to file a claim for the unused farm, since I thought it would be cool to have a farm. I do not get it but I decide to stay there for the time being anyways. I got the nickname Farmer Joe for a while but I got used to it. At least I am smart enough not to kick any mules.

  The next few days were really boring, no stupid stuff happened. Then it turns out the first mule kicker escaped from jail, I don’t know how he did it with his injuries but he did. The sad thing is he does it again, what a moron, but this time the mule breaks his arm, so he isn’t likely to get away this time. The cops and EMTs scoop him up, and of course I happen to be on the scene just in time for the judge to pass another 5 years for running away. I’m just in disbelief of this man’s idiocy but I really shouldn’t be. So then his son finds out about this and comes back raising hell. I get out of his way because he thinks it’s my fault he’s in jail, which it isn’t. He tried to fight me but he swung and missed by a mile because he was drunk. I didn’t hit him back because of two things, first I felt sorry for the poor guy, second he missed by that mile and landed face first in a cow pie.

  I just left laughing I didn’t need to be involved with that kind of trouble. He lays there not even opening his mouth to swear at me because if he does cow pie gets in it. It’s the least tasty pie you’ve ever tasted I’m sure. Of course Dave happens to be on hand to check out the stupidity firsthand, and compliments me on the way I handled the fight. I told him there was no fight, he took a swing and missed me by a mile. Of course this sets off a chain of laughs and we take a look at the moron with his face in cow crap. It was a sad day for him to say the least. Dave gets mad at him and says look at you you’re covered in cow shit and you can’t even get up the cops are on their way and this is what they are going to see. So he doesn’t move and Dave says you’re a fool and walks away. The cops of course scoop him up but they are not happy about having to remove him. So they call the courthouse and say can’t they just let this one slip, I mean he will eventually pass sentence on himself anyways. You are not seeing what I am seeing here your honor he says. So the judge says fine he’s a *%$#@!!! idiot let him be.

  The paramedics however, have to help him out of that. I feel sorry for them and wait around to see their reactions. Of course it was worse than I had expected. They say hey Joe this is the fifth time this month this has happened, haha just kidding. They do say something about this becoming more and more common. So they haul his ass away and I wave goodbye to him. Eventually he does pass sentence on himself, sticking a fork into a toaster to pull out part of a piece of bread. He is carted off to the E.R, but checks out anyways as he is burned pretty badly from electroshock. He was survived by his ex-wife his son and his pig. Reportedly the pig was the only one mourning his death. His ex-wife

  went to Hawaii with the life insurance payment, his son remained in Margate and took care of the pig. He got custody of the pig. Oops I got it wrong, the pig got custody of him. I heard the pig took good care of him haha he’s such a fool. The judge actually said the pig had custody of him by the way, and no he wasn’t joking. That’s right, there’s a man walking around Margate with a hog as his legal guardian. Again this is what our country has descended into. Judges are making loony rulings like this but more on this later.

  So anyways it turns out the pig takes good care of him and they get on fine together. Yes that’s right. Eventually the guy got mad and decided that when their love went sour well let’s just say he has enough bacon to last him a year. Oh yes it turns out he made a new song called Hog Love. They went on dates together, had relations, and even were going to

  get married in the state of Nevada, Las Vegas. Unfortunately, like I said their love went sour. Dave happens to be on hand to explain what relations is for illiterate fools. It means they had sex, apparently the farmer’s son wanted to have kids with a pig. However it later was found out that not only is interspecies breeding impossible, the pig was also male. The farm boy decided it was time to hang himself at that point, but instead fried the pig for bacon. I heard it was tasty. So then the pig loving fool decides to bury the rest of the pig in mud, unfortunately he slips in a soft patch and yells fools! as he goes down. He lands in the mud and it covers him completely. Apparently he was drunk and in mourning because he committed his crime of passion and said Oh God what have I done? The pig was survived by the pig’s son and its pig on the side haha. The pig was having an affair. So in any case the man mourns the pig’s passing by eating all the bacon in one monstrous sitting. Well he tries to anyways, but he had a hundred pounds of bacon and pork left.