Me Dying Trial

by Patricia Powell

  Finally one afternoon him turn to her: ‘Remember when you ask me what was the position between Percy and Martel?’

  Peppy feel the grin spreading over her face. She know exactly what was coming next. She nod her head and look pass Rudi.

  ‘Well,’ him take a deep breath, clearing his throat, ‘them together.’ Him say it slow, as if uncertain about the timing, then him raise his head and look at Peppy.

  Peppy continue to look pass him. Then in a voice trying its best to remain calm and nonchalant, she say to him: ‘I know about those things. MaCora tell me about those things all the time.’

  Him look at Peppy close, surprise in his eyes. ‘Really!’

  ‘Well, you know if you spend plenty time inside a shop, you hear people talk about things. And one time them was talking about this man. Them call him batty-man and was laughing about it.

  ‘So that night when shop lock and me and MaCora was walking home, I mention it to her. And she start to whoop, lasting about four whole minutes. Then she tell me that’s what them call men who love other men. And she say nothing wrong with it, but plenty people don’t like hear about it. But as far as she concern, people can do whatever them damn well please with whichever part of them body them damn well want. For them not paying taxes for it.’

  Rudi grin, relaxing more.

  ‘And you know what else?’ Peppy’s face was starting to glow. ‘She tell me about this woman she used to study cooking and baking and decorating with. Miss Clementine. Rumour had it that Miss Clementine was sodomite. She used to do it with some of the other girls that study there.’

  Rudi never say anything when Peppy finish talk. She try to remember other things Aunty Cora did say, but nothing come to mind.

  ‘Well, I’m that way too,’ Rudi say to her after a while, letting out a long sigh. ‘I mean . . .’

  ‘Nothing wrong with that,’ Peppy blurt out. She wasn’t sure what else to say. According to Pastor Longmore those things wrong. One Sunday in church, him mention how all those men who go to one another for love and affection had better change them ways, for God just going to shut the doors of heaven in them face. And from where she was sitting down inside the front pew with the rest of children her age, she did turn round to the back of the room to look at Aunty Cora, to see if she listening. For it was just several weeks before, that them discuss Miss Clementine. But Aunty Cora’s head was bent forward as usual, as if praying. Beads of sweat gather-up crossway her forehead and she was fanning with her hymn book.

  She could barely wait till the sermon to ask Aunty Cora about it.

  ‘Lord, Peppy, man. The sermon was almost three hours long. How me to remember every thing, so?’

  ‘Well, I mean the part about . . .’ Peppy pause. She was sure Aunty Cora well know what she talking about. ‘I mean when him was talking about those people who not going heaven . . . people like Miss Clementine, I mean.’

  ‘But look at me dying trial! How you and Pastor Longmore know Miss Clementine not going to heaven.’ Aunty Cora let out one of her long whoops.

  Peppy was certain Miss Gertie going to put down her pipe and run come to find out what Aunty Cora laughing about, for Miss Gertie is a woman who love sweet joke. Peppy wish Aunty Cora would keep quiet and get back to the subject at hand.

  Aunty Cora never say anything for a while. The two of them was sitting on the verandah steps, sun gone down for the day, moon lurking somewhere in the distance. ‘What a way you interested in these things,’ she finally let out. ‘Other times, all you do is chat-up chat-up with your friends while Pastor Longmore preaching. Anyway,’ she breath in deep, ‘you growing. You will understand better as you grow. But not everybody interpret things the same as I tell you. Bible say one thing, John Brown say another. Bible big and open wide. It say plenty things, it mean plenty more other things.’

  Aunty Cora wasn’t making herself clear, but Peppy think she understand.

  ‘Then how you must know what to believe? How one must know right from wrong?’ she ask her.

  ‘Gal, pickney, life is mystery own self. You growing, you will see. Sometimes is you alone, you have to make choices. Sometimes you find out right and wrong only through trial and error. Other times is only by what feel good deep down inside your belly bottom. Nothing else.’ Aunty Cora left it at that. She say she was feeling tired and needed to lay down a little. Peppy remain outside on the verandah even after Aunty Cora leave, fanning away mosquitoes. She could smell Miss Gertie’s tobacco close by.

  Peppy’s mind turn back to the situation at hand with Rudi. The silence in the room was overbearing. She wonder where Jeff and Rosa, if them outside playing, or if them listening. She look across on Rudi, perch-up uncomfortable on the hassock, twirling the thin line of moustache that resemble Martel’s.

  ‘You have a fellow?’ Peppy stutter little bit. ‘I mean, you have somebody who . . .’

  ‘I know what you mean.’ Rudi stretch out his legs. ‘I have one friend.’

  Peppy didn’t like the way the conversation was taking shape. She wanted him to talk to her with the same kind of confidence, the same kind of enthusiasm, that him use when talking about Martel and Percy, or about the people him dance with down at the Cultural Centre where him start to take lessons. Now him just say one thing and pause, waiting till she say the other bit, before starting again. She want him to talk, like the way Aunty Cora talk, so everything can sound alright.

  ‘So tell me,’ she press him, ‘tell me his name, what him look like, where you meet. Tell me everything. I want know.’

  And Rudi was shy at first, for him was afraid. But then it start to pour out plenty, almost like water through pipe that have wear-out washer, little bit at first, then as the washer get worse, more and more. And him tell Peppy about the boy, Terence, jet black with white-white teeth. And how Terence used to go to the Youth Camp where Walter teach and how them just used to only say howdy-do at first and never quite talk. Then one night, Rudi see him at party and them start to talk.

  And Peppy just sit down and listen, for the way Rudi was talking now, confident-like, she could tell that whatever him say was alright, for it sound like it was feeling good to him deep down in his belly bottom. And even when Rudi reach to the part about where them kiss, her hand-middle was still dry, and her breathing never change pace, she only grin instead, and him grin back in return, fingers playing with the thin-line moustache, same way.

  So when Rudi tell her these personal things, Peppy feel almost like she and him is one, like them is true brother and sister. And she tell him about her friend at school, Jasmine, and how Jasmine’s mother was that way too. For according to Jasmine, that was what cause the final split between her parents, but she already suspected it, because her mother and the lady was much too close. Jasmine say she don’t really mind, for the lady nice and treat she, Jasmine, and her two brothers good. And since her father was only part-time anyway, it don’t really matter, for she didn’t know him well.

  During the story about Jasmine’s mother she notice him relaxing more and more. And it make her feel even closer to him, like she would do anything to protect him, to make sure him feel comfortable all the time. And as these things run through Peppy’s mind as she make her way up to Aunty Cora’s house the Saturday morning, she come to a decision about what she going to tell Aunty Cora.

  Aunty Cora was stretched out on her big, four-poster bed, when Peppy push open the door and step inside her room. It smelt of arthritis rubbings and ointments as usual, with little Foreign scent mix-up with it. The barrel she bring back was resting near her bed. Plenty of the things from inside sprawl around on the floor.

  ‘I dead tired, gal,’ Aunty Cora say in greeting to Peppy.

  Peppy walk over to her bed, and sit down at the foot. ‘You must be really tired. Near twelve o’clock, and you still in bed.’ Concern stain her voice.

  Aunty Cora fix the pillows behind her head. ‘Ever since I come back, I tired more than usual. I don’t know is what. And then, I feel
this lump moving around plenty inside me belly, too. Lord, gal, when is not one thing, is another. I have to go and see Doctor Lord.’

  Peppy sigh. There now, Aunty Cora sick. Who will look after her?

  ‘You hear anything about Miss Gertie?’

  Aunty Cora shake her head. ‘I send telegram to her son, so I waiting. Man, I don’t know how me and Leslie going to make out. Everything that damn boy do raise me blood pressure.’

  Peppy didn’t say anything. She never usually know what to say when Aunty Cora complain about Leslie.

  ‘Me talk with Gwennie,’ Aunty Cora say after a long pause. ‘She want you to come over with the other children.’

  ‘Then, what about you?’ Peppy ask first thing.

  ‘What about me?’ Aunty Cora fix the pillows behind her head again.

  ‘Who going to look after you when you get sick? Who going to stay with you?’ Peppy kick off her shoes and hop up inside the bed beside Aunty Cora, the two heads pressing into the pillows Aunty Cora just finish fluff-up.

  ‘Lord, gal. You chat too much nonsense.’ Aunty Cora fix the sheet around Peppy’s feet.

  ‘But me serious, MaCora.’ Peppy’s voice raise-up.

  But Aunty Cora only murmur. After a long time, she say: ‘Gal, I turn into old somebody now. I soon die and leave you. I want you to go to Foreign and get good schooling. I want you to get a good education, so you can turn out decent. Don’t bother to think about me. Is your life now.’

  Eye water gather up in Peppy’s eyes. She try to hold them back. She didn’t want Aunty Cora to see her crying. She big now. Peppy shift round in the bed. Aunty Cora didn’t move much. Just lie down still.

  ‘I don’t want to go Foreign. I don’t even know me mother.’ Peppy stop. The word sound strange to her. ‘I don’t even know her good, how me and she going to get on?’

  Peppy did have plenty more questions, but Aunty Cora hush her up. ‘Stop your damn foolishness. How you mean you don’t want to go! You have big-big opportunity right in front your eyes and you mad want to fling it away. How you mean you don’t want to go!’ Aunty Cora was facing Peppy now. ‘Gal, don’t chat nonsense.’ Her voice was firm. Peppy know the conversation near finish.

  ‘But I don’t know her, MaCora. How we going to get on?’ Peppy’s voice was firm too.

  Aunty Cora sigh long and plenty. ‘Don’t bother about those things. Just think about going abroad. Think about education and to turn decent. Think about your future. New Green don’t have future to give you, only baby and marriage, hungry-belly and poverty. I want you to have more.

  ‘I want you to turn lawyer, or teacher or doctor, even businesswoman. I don’t want to see you with New Green boys, all them can give you is hungry-belly and plenty children. Things will work out with you and Gwennie. I know it. It won’t be rosy at first. For you don’t know one another well. But you have to try, and she too. But things will work out good.’ And with that song, Aunty Cora put an end to the conversation. And after enough silence pass over them, she start up again.

  ‘You will like the place, Hartford. Nice big shady trees. Gwennie’s house right at the foot of a place them call Blue Hills or Fields, I can’t quite remember. The Sunday evening I was staying there, her gentleman friend drive us up there. Gal, you know big house!’ Aunty Cora stop and look at Peppy, her eyes wide with wonder. ‘Houses big and pretty with big lawn and big car and even swimming pool around back. Gwennie say it costly to live up there though, cheaper houses down at the bottom.

  ‘And even then, if it wasn’t for your uncle Samuel who bargain with the man, it would still cost more. But she say it better there than down on Milk Street.’ Aunty Cora shake her head. ‘Milk Street bad as yaws she say. Plenty gunmen and drugs and informer, just like them bad parts out here. Not safe. But you will just have to care yourself. Don’t walk about at night, have company at all times. Believe in you Maker, go to church and pray.’

  And when Aunty Cora finish about Hartford, she get up and show Peppy the things she carry back from Foreign. She show Peppy the pictures she take, the places she go, church, entertainment parks, zoo, Aunty Cora tell her how the snakes in America as wide as her bathtub, and as long as the entire rope of tobacco down the shop. She show Peppy the things she carry back for herself, curtains and bedspreads and lamps and lampshades and the weak rum, and she give Peppy the bag Gwennie send with food and clothes for the children. Peppy tell her Aunty Cora about school, about the new friends she meet, about Rudi’s two friends Martel and Percy, about Rudi’s school where him learn folk dance, and how the two of them do plenty things together. And throughout the whole time, not a word about coming back to New Green mention.

  Peppy spend the Saturday with Aunty Cora and part of the Sunday. Sunday evening, she pick up herself and jump on the evening bus heading back to Porous. Aunty Cora never ask Peppy when she coming back, she only stand up at the verandah gate and watch Peppy as she turn down the hill, the glass of rum she have, swirling round and round in her hand. She never even move when she couldn’t see Peppy anymore. She just turn the glass to her head and suck down the rum. Little bit run down her chin, Aunty Cora pick up her frock tail and wipe her mouth-corner, clean.

  III

  It usually take Peppy about thirty minutes to walk home from school each evening. And as she never have plenty friends living around her way, she walk by herself, cars and buses and trucks passing her by the roadside, school children in front and behind her, her mind occupied with the upcoming trip. Rudi just get another letter from the mother, and she send with it plenty forms, some affidavits of support, others just plain application and medical forms. She send money too, for passport pictures and physical examinations. Last week, Rudi ask her to bring Jeff and Rosa to the photography studio. Time soon come to leave, him tell her, while handing out the money.

  And she remember feeling kind of glad about it, but also kind of cautious. She mention it to friends at school, but never with any extra eagerness, for things have a way to not always turn out quite the way one would want them. Peppy talk about in length to Jasmine though, for Jasmine travel plenty since her mother is a higgler woman, travelling to Miami and New York two and three times a month, so she can buy sneakers and jeans and sweat-shirt and pants and blender and pressure-cooker and sell them in the market at more bargainable prices. Since she the oldest, sometimes Jasmine travel with her.

  And Jasmine tell her, ‘Yes, man, Peppy, you going to have a nice time,’ in her twang voice, for even though she only been to America three times, staying no more than five days the longest, Jasmine have a permanent Foreign accent. ‘And the best thing,’ Jasmine tell her, ‘is you don’t wear uniforms to school. You wear any Jesus Christ thing you feel. Even high heels and tube top.’ Jasmine eyes were twinkling when she say it. ‘You can burn your green tunic and white blouses before you leave.’

  ‘So I couldn’t even wear me uniform even if I wanted to?’ Peppy ask her friend out the corner of her mouth, for is not that her closet empty, but she don’t change shoes once a week like Jasmine. Furthermore that would mean her mother will have to buy her school clothes for is only yard clothes and church clothes she have plenty, not much going out clothes.

  Jasmine laugh out loud. ‘Gal, you mad! Then you know what,’ Jasmine say to her after a pause in her sing-song Foreign twang, ‘you can eat bubble gum and sweetie in the classes.’

  ‘You lie!’ Horror form on Peppy’s face, her eyes roll over.

  Jasmine kiss her teeth. The two of them were outside on the grass behind the classroom one mid-afternoon break time. Jasmine nod her head. ‘Yup! I went with my cousin up to her school. The children even rude to the teacher sometimes. You know how we have to stand up and say good morning every time a teacher come inside our class? Well, is not so over there, the children sit down on them tail same way and continue talking to one another.’ Jasmine shake her head slow from side to side now. Scorn cause her mouth to turn up.

  ‘Them don’t even have devotion or chapel. Eve
n in elementary school, them don’t have lunch or evening time prayers. That’s why me mother say,’ Jasmine turn to Peppy, her face round and pixieish, ‘that she’d want me finish high school out here, for some of the public schools over there no damn good.’

  Peppy sigh plenty. All of a sudden the schools in America don’t sound pretty to her a tall. She wonder if her mother know about these things or even Rudi, if Aunty Cora know the children over there don’t even pray before them eat. And these things cause Peppy plenty thinking, for is not only her mother she going to have to learn to live with, or even her brother and sisters, but the children at school over there who if them don’t even fear teachers, how them going to fear God?

  And as Peppy continue on walking, she think about how even during her classes, she find herself gazing through the window near her seat, thinking about winter clothes. For she see it in magazines and plenty books, and Aunty Cora did mention how the people have to dress up in big hats and warm, long coats and even tall boots so as to walk through ice and snow. Even fingers and throat and sometime ears have to cover-up, Aunty Cora did say. And especially with how she can barely keep on her whole slip and girdle for them feel too damn uncomfortable, she don’t know how she would manage wearing so many clothes day-in and day-out during winter.

  And so Peppy’s mind and concentration would often spend so much time on Foreign that even when her teacher, Mrs Haywood, call out her name, and tell her to answer the question she just ask, the other students would start-up laughing for them know Peppy wasn’t paying attention. And when Mrs Haywood see that she can’t answer the question, she tell Peppy to go and stand up at the back of the class and turn her face to the wall corner.