With Every Breath

by Everhart, Allie

  "He has a girlfriend?" Heidi asks. "Are you sure?"

  "It's his ex, but I'm sure they'll be back together after tonight."

  "What a jerk." She sits down at the table. "Sorry. I really thought you two made a good couple. And the way he looked at you..." She sighs. "I don't know why he'd go out with someone else. Unless you turned him down." She gets up and races over to me. "Did you turn him down? Because I could totally see you doing that."

  She's talking like Amy again. If Amy were here, we'd be having this exact same conversation and she'd be using the exact same tone and have the same expression on her face. It's scary how alike they are.

  "He didn't ask me out," I say, grabbing the jar of peanut butter. "And how exactly was he looking at me? You only saw him one time and it was after he'd just met me."

  "And he already had that look, which means he really likes you."

  "What look?"

  "The look that says he's totally crazy about you."

  I laugh. "Yeah. I don't think so." I open the cupboard and take out the bread.

  "Skye, I'm serious. He couldn't take his eyes off you. I'm surprised he even noticed I was here."

  "Well, you're wrong because he's out with someone else tonight."

  "Probably because he doesn't think you're interested. But you are, right? I mean, how could you not be? The guy is gorgeous. I don't know how you get any work done being around a guy that hot."

  "I'm used to it. And I'm not looking to date anyone right now, especially my boss."

  "Okay, but if you wanted to, I guarantee he'd drop this other girl in a heartbeat to be with you." She walks off. "I have to go get ready. I'll see ya tomorrow."

  "Yeah, bye." I finish making my sandwich while she goes to her room.

  That stuff she said about Travis? I thought the same thing. I thought he wanted to date me, but I was wrong. Or maybe Heidi is right and Travis thinks I'm not interested. But how could he think that? I'm always smiling at him. Joking around with him in a flirty way. I stayed late and had dinner with him three times last week and I spent my day off with him. That should be enough for him to figure out I like him. Then again, I've told him several times I don't want to date anyone. That's probably it. That's why he hasn't asked me out.

  As I do my homework, my mind keeps going to Travis. I keep picturing him with Shana, wondering what they're doing. It's after nine now and he should be home, unless he decided to stay with her. I'm sure he did if they're back together.

  At ten I get into bed and take out my picture of Amy. Around this time every night, I talk to her. If people knew this, they'd think it's strange or maybe think I'm crazy but I don't care. I miss talking to her and when I talk to her picture, it's like a part of her is still here.

  "I really like Travis," I tell her. "Like him as in I want to date him." I look at her smiling in the photo with that huge grin and know she'd be making that same grin if she were here right now, hearing me talk about how much I like Travis. She'd be so excited for me. She'd be jumping up and down, clapping her hands, squealing and making my ears hurt. I'd roll my eyes at her, then smile and tell her she's crazy for acting that way. But her over-the-top reactions were one of the many things I loved about her.

  "In a way, he reminds me of you. He understands me the way you always did. He says all this stuff about me that at the time I think is totally crazy but then I think about it and think maybe he's right. Like today, he said the dark brooding artist thing wasn't really me. He said I was just doing it to be the opposite of my mom. Remember how she never wore black? She said it darkened her spirit, whatever that means. Anyway, I guess it's kind of true that I changed when she left me. I became someone else. Someone that was nothing like my mom. And nothing like Aunt Nora. I don't want to talk bad about your mom but you and me both know she didn't want to take me in and raise me. She still doesn't like me. I know you don't believe that but it's true."

  I stare at the photo, at myself this time. I'm standing next to Amy. It was our first day of college and we were moving into the dorms. Amy had on white shorts and a bright yellow blouse with ruffly sleeves. She looked all bright and sunny, and me? I had on my usual dark jeans and a black t-shirt. My black hair was pulled back in a ponytail and I didn't bother with any makeup, even though Amy tried to put it on me that morning.

  I'm smiling in the photo but I was really angry that day. I was angry because everyone else had parents there, dropping them off, and I didn't. My mom doesn't even know I'm in college. If she did, she wouldn't care. I don't even know where she lives. For all I know she could be dead, or living out of the country.

  "He has this stupid dress code," I say with a laugh. "No black shirts. Can you believe that? Sometimes I swear you're putting these thoughts in his head because he sounds just like you. Remember when I lost that bet and you got to pick out my clothes for a week? You hid all my black shirts so I couldn't switch into one when you weren't around." I smile. "It wasn't so bad. I got a lot of compliments that week. That one guy even asked me out."

  My eyes go to Amy again. "He's with someone else tonight. Travis? The guy I like? He's with his ex-girlfriend. It's probably for the best. His ex is a social worker and she does counseling and works with his dad. It sounds like she's helped him a lot. With losing his brother." I swallow and close my eyes. An image of the racing river rapids fills my head, Amy's body floating away.

  I quickly open my eyes and stare up at the ceiling. "I wish I could make it stop. For awhile it did. Most of last week, I could close my eyes and I didn't see it." I look at the photo again. "And I slept. I actually slept, for more than a couple hours. I think it's because of Travis. He calls me every night. He never really says why but I think it's because he worries about me." I pause. "He's a good guy, Amy. I wish you could meet him."

  I gaze back at the ceiling. "I've been feeling better. And I..." I take a breath. "I feel really guilty for that. Like it's wrong to feel this way, knowing what I did. I wish you could tell me it wasn't wrong. I wish I knew you forgave me, because there's no way I could ever forgive myself." I wipe the tears from my eyes. "I can't keep living this way, Amy. I can't keep being this sad and hating myself this much. Last week, I actually felt kind of happy, and I liked feeling that way. But I also felt like it was wrong. Because I shouldn't be happy after what I did. But I can't go on feeling this way forever. I just can't."

  I sniffle and wipe my eyes, then look at the photo again.

  "I wish you could talk to me, Amy. I wish you could just give me a sign. Something that would give me some kind of direction. Something that would hint at what you'd tell me to do if you were here."

  My phone rings, startling me so much I drop the photo. I pick it up and set it on my nightstand, then grab my phone from the bed.

  "Hello?"

  "Hey."

  I instantly recognize his deep voice and smile. "Hey."

  "I know it's after ten but I figured you'd still be up. I didn't wake you, did I?"

  "No. I was up. Why are you calling?"

  "I always call."

  "I know. But why? Why do you call me every night?"

  "Because I want to."

  "Oh." I was hoping for a clearer answer, one that told me more, but I guess I'm not getting it. "So how was Shana?"

  "Good. We had dinner, then went to see Dad."

  He took her to see his dad. That's something you'd do with a girlfriend. They're definitely back together.

  "How was he?" I ask. "Your dad."

  "Same as always, except this time he thought Shana was my cousin. She actually does kind of look like my cousin, Sharon. And the names are similar."

  "Did he know who you were?"

  "Yeah. He actually seemed pretty good tonight. The nurse said they changed one of his meds so that might be making a difference. Anyway, what'd you do tonight?"

  "Studied. Did some homework."

  "Did you have dinner with Heidi?"

  "No, we don't usually eat together. She went to Brad's." I laugh a
little. "For some reason she thought you were coming over tonight and well, it doesn't matter. So where'd you go for dinner?"

  "The Mexican place close to Shana's apartment. So why did Heidi think I was coming over? Were you planning to invite me?"

  "No. I don't know why she thought that. Maybe she forgot I have my car back and thought you'd be dropping me off. Who knows?"

  Why did I tell him what Heidi said? Now he thinks I'm lying and that I really was planning to have him over when I hadn't even considered it. Before Shana called, I thought maybe I'd have dinner with him but I wasn't going to invite him to my apartment.

  "I should go," I tell him. "It's getting late."

  "Are you going to sleep?"

  "Probably not. I'm too awake."

  "Then let's keep talking."

  "Why? Aren't you tired?"

  "I am, but my brain's still awake. It takes awhile for me to wind down."

  "What's keeping your brain awake?"

  He sighs. "My dad, and what to do with the business."

  "Did he say something when you saw him?"

  "No, but he keeps a photo of it on his dresser. It's a picture of him and my brother and me standing under the sign. My dad couldn't look happier. The place was his dream, and whenever I see that picture I just can't imagine letting the place go."

  I like that he tells me this stuff. The way he opens up to me like this, telling me how he feels and what keeps him up at night. I wonder if he tells Shana that stuff too. I'm sure he does, but if he's already said all this to her tonight, then why is he calling and telling me?

  We talk until just after midnight, and when we end the call I fall right to sleep. No images of the river. No sounds of Amy screaming for help. No tossing and turning, spending hours trying to make it stop. I just sleep, and wake up at six the next morning.

  When my alarm goes off, I go to silence it and see Amy's picture, which is still on my nightstand. I forgot to put it away last night.

  I pick it up and look at it. That big wide smile of hers seems even bigger today, which is ridiculous because obviously the photo didn't change. It's just how I'm seeing it today. For some reason, she looks even happier than normal.

  Sitting up in bed, I look back at her. "Did you hear me talking to him last night? Is that why you're smiling like that?" She doesn't answer, of course. "I really like him. Just my luck I'd fall for a guy with a girlfriend." I pause. "He helps me, Amy. I don't know exactly what it is about him but he makes me feel better. And he always seems to know when I'm feeling bad. Like last night. I didn't think he'd call but I really needed him. I was feeling sad and—" I stop, remembering last night and what I said right before he called. I was telling Amy to send me a sign. Something that would help me figure out everything I'm going through. As soon as I said that, Travis called.

  A chill runs through me and I shiver.

  "You didn't do that, did you?" I say to Amy. "There's no way. It's not even possible."

  Or maybe it is.

  15

  Travis

  It's been almost a week since we unveiled our new waiting area and it's proved to be a huge success, especially with parents. Auto Fix has nothing to keep kids entertained so we've been getting new customers just from that alone.

  Danny, my new mechanic, is working out well. He started last Monday. Good thing I found him because I haven't been able to keep up with all the work. He has another job so he's only part-time for now but I'm hoping to convince him to quit that job and up his hours here.

  Skye is continuing to do a great job up front. Customers keep leaving comments on the survey cards I attach to their bill, saying things like how the receptionist is a delight and how great she is with the kids. When I tell her that, she gets a huge smile on her face. I know this isn't the job she wanted but she's really good at it. And I think it's good for her.

  When I first met her she seemed so down and depressed. But now she seems brighter, more full of life, and she smiles more. I still catch her in some down moments now and then, probably brought on by a memory of Amy, which I totally understand. It happens to me too when I think of Seth. You just have to get through those moments and go on.

  Seeing Skye struggle is hard on me, probably because it reminds me so much of myself in the months following the accident. I pretended I was fine but it was all a lie. If it weren't for Shana, I'd probably still be living that lie. I'm by no means a mental health expert like Shana but I'm trying to help Skye the best I can, but do it subtly so she doesn't feel pressured or rushed to get past this. She needs to follow her own timeline for moving on. I can't decide that for her, but I can give her a little push.

  Shana said everything I'm doing so far is good and to keep doing it. We discussed Skye when we went out last Sunday. That's why I was so eager to accept her invite to dinner. I wanted her opinion on Skye and how to the handle the situation. She said to keep doing the nightly calls, which I started the night I met Skye and have done every night since. Shana said the calls will keep Skye's mind off Amy and the accident and help her sleep. So far it seems to be working. Skye looks more rested now than when I met her so I know she's getting more sleep.

  I've been sleeping better too. Hearing her voice at night relaxes me and takes my mind off all the things that normally keep me up. Just being around Skye has the same effect, which is why I crave spending time with her. That and the fact that she's beautiful and I can't stop looking at her and am attracted to her more than I've ever been attracted to a girl.

  "Hey." I go up to her as she locks the door. We just closed for the day and I'm exhausted from a long week but want to go out tonight with Skye. She's put in a lot of hours this week and I want to reward her with a nice dinner. And maybe, selfishly, I also want to spend time with her. Being in the garage all week, I haven't seen her much. “How about I take you to dinner tonight?"

  She turns to me and gives me that smile I love so much. "I'd like to but I can't tonight."

  "Doing homework on a Friday night?" I say, leaning my shoulder against the door. "Sorry, but that's not acceptable. You need to go out."

  "I'm not doing homework," she says, walking back to the reception counter.

  "Are you going out with Heidi?" I ask, coming up beside her as she neatly stacks the receipts for the day. Laney, my office manager, has been out with a sick kid all week so Skye has been organizing the bills and receipts for her so they'll be ready when she gets back.

  "No, Heidi's going out with Brad tonight." Skye stuffs the receipts in a folder that's labeled with today's date. Turns out Skye isn't just great at customer service. She's also great at organizing and filing. I keep discovering new things she's good at. I'd love to see her artwork but she still hasn't shown me anything.

  "So what are you up to tonight?" I ask.

  Before she can answer, the door from the garage to the waiting area opens and Danny appears. "Hey, Skye, we still on for tonight?"

  "Yeah," she says, giving him a smile. "I just need to finish up."

  What the hell? She's going out with Danny? Maybe it's not a date but more of a friend thing. He's her age and I guess girls find him attractive, although I don't know why. He's too tall and too thin and his blond hair is always falling in his eyes. The dude needs a haircut but he made a comment about girls liking it long so I doubt he'll be cutting it. Apparently Skye likes it because she agreed to go out with him.

  "I'm gonna head out and clean up," he says. "Meet you there at seven?"

  "Yeah," she says, stacking her files into a neatly arranged pile. "See you then."

  When he's gone, I lean back against the counter, my arms folded over my chest. "So. You can Danny, huh?"

  She picks up the folders, holding them against her chest, and turns to me. "What about him?"

  "You two are going out tonight?"

  She shrugs. "It's just dinner."

  "When did this happen?"

  "What?"

  "You and Danny. Has this been going on all week?"

&nbs
p; "Why are you asking? Are you going to tell me I can't socialize with other employees? Is that another rule you forgot to tell me about?"

  "No. I just didn't know you two were dating."

  "We're not dating. Just having dinner."

  I nod, my anger building despite the fact I have no reason to be angry. Skye and I aren't in a relationship, at least not a romantic one. She can date whoever she wants. And I should be happy she's going out with Danny. It shows she's getting better. Just a few weeks ago, she never left her room and now she's going out on a Friday night. I should be happy about that, but I'm not because she's going out with Danny, who isn't even close to being good enough for her.

  "So what are you doing tonight?" she asks. "Going out with Shana?"

  "Shana?" I ask, surprised by the question. Why would she think I'd have plans with Shana? Sure we get together now and then but usually not on a Friday night.

  "I thought maybe you were doing something with her," Skye says.

  "If I was, I wouldn't have asked you to dinner."

  "Oh." She pauses. "That's right. I forgot about that. Well, maybe some other night."

  "Like tomorrow?" I ask, then realize I sound desperate. I never sound desperate. I always hide how much I like a girl but I can't seem to do that with Skye. I really want to spend time with her. Time away from work.

  "I can't. My uncle's coming tomorrow. He comes here every other weekend, unless he has to work. He takes me out to eat and to get groceries and sometimes we go to a movie."

  "And it's just him? Not your aunt?"

  She laughs a little. "My aunt hates me. You haven't picked up on that by now? After everything I told you? And you met her. You saw how she was."

  "I don't think she hates you. I just think she doesn't understand you so she doesn't know how to relate to you."

  "You're right in that she doesn't understand me but she also hates me. I basically ruined her perfect life when my mom took off and left me there."

  "I'm sure her life wasn't perfect."