The Life You Stole

by Ann, Jewel E.

  She tipped her chin to her chest. “I’m sorry.”

  “It’s … it’s fine.” I couldn’t muster more than a lame it’s fine. That in and of itself proved just how much her depression had taken ahold of me. She didn’t want to be in the Hamptons any more than I did. She wanted to be at home, shutting the blinds and crawling into bed, giving life the middle finger.

  I tried again, hoping I could at least act like I wasn’t walking under a constant cloud of gloom. “It’s not your fault. Please don’t ever think that.” I rested my hand on her shoulder, and something happened. A feeling.

  She tipped her head, leaning into my touch, closing her eyes. My pulse increased a bit, each beat in my chest gaining strength. And I felt … good.

  A different good.

  Normal.

  The ringing in my ears stopped.

  But she wasn’t dead.

  I pulled my hand away. She opened her eyes, appearing a little startled by my quick retreat.

  It took a few seconds, but eventually the good feeling disappeared.

  The ringing in my ears returned.

  I second-guessed what I thought happened while we shared a long silent moment.

  Did she feel something?

  I had to know, so I inched my hand toward her again, pressing my palm to her cheek.

  No more ringing.

  No more pain.

  No more emotional fatigue.

  She drew in a shaky breath, pressing her hand over mine, again closing her eyes. My hand was on her cheek, but it felt like a gentle hand on my own cheek. It felt … good.

  My hand slid from Lila’s face to the back of her neck, spreading warmth along my own skin. The silence—the true silence—made it hard to let go of her. I just wanted to stand there and feel good for a little bit longer. A ray of light squeezing through an opening in the clouds on a cold day.

  Before I could force myself to let go, she took a step forward, sliding her hands up my chest and around my neck, leaving a trail of warmth. I pressed her head to my shoulder, wrapping my other arm around her. We didn’t say a single word. We just stood there, embracing each other.

  What could we possibly have said?

  Of course, it was weird and probably wrong to hug Lila for so long, but it didn’t feel wrong in that moment. It felt good. Not necessarily right, just good. And when you wander through long days not feeling happy, not feeling alive, not taking full breaths or giving your all to those who love you … well, a moment of normalcy, bliss … good is pretty fucking amazing.

  We held each other for at least five minutes that felt like five seconds when I forced myself to let her go. Before I could say anything—not that I had a clue how to explain what just happened between us—a voice echoed from the foyer.

  I took two huge steps backward, blinking several times as I realized I still felt good, the ringing in my ears no longer there. Guilt swirled around us, but I didn’t let it touch me.

  “Ronin?” Evie called.

  “We’re coming!” Lila smiled, a real one, while picking up Franz’s hat that I’d let drop to the floor and sliding out the doorway past me. “I was just showing Ronin the rest of the house.”

  I followed Lila.

  “I pinched my finger in the umbrella when we moved everything so the kids could start digging in a new area of smooth sand. It’s not that bad, but I should wash it and put on a Band-Aid because it broke the skin and doesn’t want to stop bleeding.”

  “I have a first aid kit in the bedroom,” I inspected her finger.

  “Of course, you do.” Evie mocked at my always preparedness.

  “I’ll meet you guys down at the beach.” Lila held up Franz’s hat. “Someone will be wondering where his hat is at.”

  “Thank you, Lila. We’ll be out in a few minutes.” Evie headed toward the bedroom.

  I gave Lila one last look. I wasn’t sure what it said. Maybe, What the fuck just happened? Maybe the look held no actual words at all.

  She gave me one last glance too. It was kind. It held hope without regret. Neither one of us would ever intentionally hurt Evelyn. Lila’s lack of guilt told me it was okay. The moment between us meant something different than intimacy, like someone getting a massage. It felt good in a way that wasn’t sexual. It was one person physically doing something for another person. An exchange.

  That was it.

  Period.

  Lila pivoted and waltzed out the door, and I made my way to the bedroom. Evie was in the bathroom, washing her finger. I fetched a Band-Aid and ointment from the kit.

  “Does it hurt?” I dabbed the ointment onto the cut and covered it with the Band-Aid.

  “No.”

  “That’s good.” I grabbed her head and kissed her, and it built like igniting an explosive. It wasn’t my intention, and I didn’t expect it. But the second my lips touched hers I needed her. Plunging my tongue into her mouth, I devoured her, feeding on all the lost moments from the previous weeks.

  Evie stiffened at first, clearly caught off guard by my sudden need to kiss her. Hell, I couldn’t explain it either. The ringing was gone. I felt good. A kind of good I hadn’t felt in many months. And all I wanted to do was show my wife how good I felt and share that amazing feeling with her.

  Without demanding an explanation, her fingers claimed my hair, her tongue warring with mine. I knew what my needs were and why they demanded attention right that very minute, but I didn’t know why she clawed at me with equal need. Had it simply been too long since I showed her that level of affection?

  Whatever it was took on a life of its own. I untied her top, letting it fall to the floor. We broke our kiss just long enough for me to shrug off my tee. Then our mouths crashed together again. Her breasts pressed flush to my chest. I managed to untie one side of her bikini bottoms before she shoved down the front of my swim trunks and stroked my dick several times.

  I couldn’t remember the last time I felt such urgency, maybe never. But why was her touch just as desperate? She pressed her hands to the vanity counter and hopped up. We kissed again as I fisted my dick and guided it between her legs as she wrapped those sexy legs around my waist.

  “Roe …” She moaned as I slid into her in one hard thrust.

  “Fuck … Evie …” I murmured over her lips. “I need this so badly.” I palmed her ass, trying not to leave marks on it, but it was hard to harness any kind of control while I held her from sliding back as I moved inside of her like I needed it to breathe.

  Harder.

  Faster.

  Deeper.

  Evie cried out when she orgasmed, biting my shoulder, clawing my back. A few thrusts later, I stilled, feeling myself release for an eternity. I couldn’t ever remember having such an intense orgasm. My whole body shook, and I nearly collapsed to my knees.

  I touched Lila and it made me want to fuck my wife into another dimension. Something was messed-up. And I knew it when I came down from my high, eased out of Evie, and the ringing in my ears returned.

  “Thank you.” She grinned. “I needed that more than you can imagine.” Evie hopped off the vanity and shuffled to the toilet.

  Wrong.

  I didn’t have to imagine how much she needed that because I needed it more.

  CHAPTER ELEVEN

  “Has Lila started treatment?” I asked Graham as we enjoyed cold drinks in the clubhouse before teeing off. Evelyn and Lila stayed at the house to play by the pool with the kids.

  He chewed a cube of ice, each crunch accentuating the tense muscles in his jaw as he stared out the window at the well-dressed elite in their golf carts cruising around the course. “She’s looking into options. I’m encouraging her to get more opinions.”

  “How’s the alternative treatment working? I mean, she doesn’t seem too bad. Is she tired a lot?”

  I was depressed most of the time, but I wasn’t exhausted. People with leukemia suffered severe exhaustion.

  Graham bit his lips together, his eyes slightly narrowed at me. Afte
r several seconds of just … looking at me, he nodded slowly and hummed. “Yes, the alternative treatment seems to be helping, at least with the symptoms.”

  “What kind of alternative treatment is she doing?”

  He glanced at his watch. “We’re up.” He stood. “I’m feeling good today, buddy. Hope you brought your best game.”

  Lila had cancer. I couldn’t give two fucks about a golf game.

  After we made our way through eighteen holes, talking about random shit as if his wife wasn’t possibly dying, we made it back to the house in time for dinner.

  “Mrs. Porter.” Graham kissed Lila’s head as we passed through the great room.

  She looked up from her book and smiled at me. The rest of her body seemed to stiffen beneath Graham hovering over her.

  “How was golfing?” She closed her book, letting it rest in her lap.

  “Perfect. I should have joined the PGA instead of running for governor,” he mumbled, sauntering out of the room toward the bedroom. “I’m going to grab a quick shower. Feel free to join me.”

  Lila’s cheeks turned pink as her smile faded into a grimace.

  I averted my gaze to avoid making her feel any more uncomfortable. “Are Evie and the kids here or at the beach?”

  “The bedroom.” Lila pushed the ottoman away and sat up straight, depositing the book on the table next to the Tiffany lamp. “The sun zapped the energy from the kids. They both fell asleep after she gave them a bath. I peeked in on them ten minutes ago. She’s asleep too.”

  I jutted my chin toward the book. “What are you reading?”

  She flipped it over to show me the cover.

  “Paranormal?”

  She nodded, wrinkling her nose. “Don’t judge me for loving vampires.”

  I laughed. “No judgment. I went through a big vampire phase in my early twenties.”

  “So before you devoured mystery novels, you were intrigued by blood and fangs?”

  Pulling the ottoman out another foot or so, I sat on it facing her. “Before my near-death experience, I was obsessed with superheroes. Still am.” I smirked and that brought a fantastic grin to Lila’s face. “Then I became obsessed with all things paranormal. Now I don’t have to read about it because I swear I’m living it.”

  Her smile left her face, replaced with knitted eyebrows and wrinkles etched into her forehead. “I’m not going to let my pain burden you.”

  I felt her on too many levels for her to be able to say that to me with any certainty or true conviction. The elephant in the room squeezed between us, staring us both in the face until the awkwardness reached a suffocating level.

  “About yesterday …”

  “No.” Her head shook on repeat. “That was on me. I needed someone to embrace me without expecting something in return. And I didn’t let go because I let myself believe that you needed something from me too. Which is ridiculous because—”

  “It’s …” I sighed, squeezing my eyes shut for a few seconds. “It’s not ridiculous, Lila. When we touched, I felt …”

  Good?

  How could I say that? That sounded creepy. Her best friend’s husband feeling good in the arms of a woman who wasn’t his wife.

  How messed-up was that? Saying it aloud wasn’t going to make it sound any better.

  “You felt what?” she whispered.

  “Nothing.” I glanced up at her. Lila resembled Evie in so many ways, including the innocence in her blue eyes that screamed for the world to just be kind … just be fair. It shouldn’t have been me keeping her secret. It should have been Evie comforting her lifelong friend. “I felt no pain. I felt no connection to you. I felt normal. But I only felt that way because we were touching. When I released you the first time, that peace lingered for a little while. When I released you the second time, it lasted even longer.”

  Lila hugged herself, shoulders turned inward.

  “It’s okay.” I rested my hands on my knees, drumming my fingers. “You don’t have to believe me. If it weren’t happening to me, I sure wouldn’t believe me. And I’m not trying to make you uncomfortable.”

  Her eyes glossed over into a blank stare, aimed in the vicinity of my shoulder. I stood, opting to stop talking before I said anymore. Lila didn’t need my problems. Turning toward the hallway, I took two steps and stopped. Lila’s hand rested on my shoulder with my back to her. My eyes closed …

  The ringing stopped.

  The sorrow melted.

  The pain vanished.

  I drew in a shaky breath as her arms snaked around my torso, her warm cheek against my back. It felt like God himself embracing me. The good God. Not the one who cursed me. My hands inched up to cover hers. Once again, we stood idle, giving in to the unexplainable, feeding an undefinable need. With each touch, we crossed a barrier into a world that didn’t feel real because Evie and our kids were my life, the only reality I ever wanted. Yet, touching Lila felt right and good.

  Not painkiller good.

  Not sexually good.

  Not even Evie good.

  Touching Lila felt good like my legs carrying my body, my heart circulating blood, my lungs claiming air. When we touched, I didn’t feel her. I felt me.

  Only me.

  Truth? I wanted Lila to give me back what she took or take back what she gave me. I didn’t know. I just knew that something fit when we touched.

  It’s wrong.

  I knew it was at the very least, a little wrong, yet I didn’t want her to let me go. The longer she held me, the longer I would feel normal for Evie and the kids.

  “Lila?” Graham called.

  Without a word or glance at each other, Lila released me and I walked toward the bedroom.

  “Yes?” Her voice echoed as she padded down the hallway in the opposite direction toward their bedroom.

  “Did you move my hair gel?”

  She replied with a barely audible, “No.”

  The kids were on the king bed, still sleeping in spite of Evie running the hairdryer in the bathroom. I slid open the paneled door, glancing over my shoulder to see if the kids stirred.

  They didn’t.

  My beautiful wife shot me a sideways glance and a blinding smile to go with it. “I fell asleep with a wet head,” she said while turning off the blow-dryer.

  I locked the door and grinned at her.

  No ringing in my ears.

  No feelings of depression.

  No pain.

  Her gaze flitted to my hand that turned the lock. “They’ll wake up any second, Mr. Alexander.” The way her eyebrow quirked into a crooked peak did nothing to help her case. It reminded me of all the things I loved about Evelyn Alexander.

  In some ways it broke a tiny part of my heart too. Just minutes earlier, her best friend touched me … took away my pain. But it didn’t make me want Lila. It made me want my wife. That had to mean something. That had to be what mattered most.

  “You won’t let me say what I want to say …” I took two steps in her direction. She looked like an angel booted out of Heaven—a wicked grin, nearly white messy hair, and a mischievous twinkle in her eyes. “So I have to show you.” I grabbed her waist and jerked her into my body. The brush from her hand fell to the tile.

  She cringed. “Oops …”

  “Mom?” Franz’s sleepy voice called from the bedroom.

  “Ma,” Anya mumbled.

  Lifting onto her toes, she planted a kiss at the corner of my mouth with her full, upturned lips. “You’ve been a little frisky on this trip. Why is that?”

  Why? Well, because it was pretty damn incredible to make love to my wife without feeling her best friend’s emotional and physical distress.

  Just so many words I couldn’t say to her.

  “I took time off work, but my dick never takes a vacation. He’s always hard at work.”

  “I see. Dick is quite the competitor. I’m not going to lie … I like good, stiff competition.” She grabbed Dick. (Yes, his official name was born in that moment. A fit
ting name without pretense or too much pomp and circumstance.)

  I narrowed my eyes. “And I like it when you give me the world’s biggest boner as our spawns climb out of bed to make their way to—”

  Knock. Knock. Knock.

  “Us.” I sighed.

  “I’d better go. Sorry. Hate to leave you hanging.” She released me and winked.

  “Bobbing,” I grumbled. “You’re leaving me bobbing. I’d prefer it to hang. But it won’t at the moment.”

  Evie giggled, unlocking the door and shooting me her evil angel smirk. “He’s such a dick.”

  “The biggest one ever.” I, too, had an evil smirk.

  “Fact.” She opened the door. “How was your nap, babies?”

  “I not a baby.” Franz rubbed his eyes, his blond hair unruly like his mom’s hair.

  Anya bypassed Evie’s outstretched arms in pursuit of me. I told Dick to chill the fuck out. My daughter didn’t need to see him showing off for her mom. Mini Me with her jet-black hair and dark eyes nuzzled into my neck as I carried her out of the bedroom. Her tiny hands patted my back. Anya always patted my back when I hugged her. She didn’t do it to Evie, just me. I swear she knew I needed it. I needed that nonverbal “You’re okay, Daddy.”

  CHAPTER TWELVE

  Lila

  Evelyn and Graham had sex—in college.

  I didn’t have sex with Ronin. I just let him hold me. It damn near brought me to tears. For those silent minutes in his arms, I didn’t think about dying. I didn’t feel any pain. I simply felt needed.

  The rest of our holiday in the Hamptons went well. With the exception of feeling Ronin’s eyes on me more often than usual, I think we met and exceeded Evelyn’s expectations. Graham removed his political hat and spent our time in the Hamptons playing with the kids, golfing with Ronin, and pinning me to every surface of the bedroom to have sex.

  It was rough, but that was just him. The fact that he could have found another bed to sleep in at night yet chose to sleep next to me, gave me a spark of hope that we would be fine. In spite of all the issues with my health over the previous year, I thought we might be able to salvage something and make the most of it for as long as possible. I didn’t believe anyone was truly unredeemable.