The Life You Stole

by Ann, Jewel E.

  The physical abuse hurt less than the emotional degradation.

  CHAPTER TWENTY-ONE

  Evelyn

  “I’m pregnant!” Katie squealed over the phone as I finished my early morning jog, slowing to a walk as I reached the end of our long drive.

  I needed to find an exercise routine again. My mom’s cancer and dealing with her death made it hard to feel motivated. Ronin’s onset of depression, which he refused to acknowledge, made it necessary for me to find time alone to exercise, breathe in the mountain air, and clear my mind. A mind filled with self-doubt and uncertainty. Since the night Ronin caught me masturbating in our closet, he’d been back to his no-sex-drive self. Of course he never said those actual words; he masked the truth with excuses like migraines and fear of a cold setting in that he didn’t want to give to me.

  “Oh, Katie. I’m really happy for you.”

  She laughed. “Wow. Could you have said that with any less enthusiasm? What’s up with you?”

  I used to do a better job of selling my act, my fake enthusiasm. Married life. Mom life. Friendships-falling-apart life. They’d worn me down. The act felt like too much work.

  That … and Graham’s money made Katie’s pregnancy possible.

  “Whatever. I won’t let you rain on my parade today, Evie. Oh, if it’s a boy, we’re naming him Porter. If it’s a girl, Porter will be the middle name. I promised Graham I’d use his family’s name. And honestly, I think Porter is a really cool name. I love surnames as first names. What do you think?”

  I stopped, resting my hands on my knees, feeling nauseous and ready to pull my ear pods out of my head so I didn’t have to hear any more about Graham. “I think if you didn’t put it in writing that you’d name your child Porter, then you name the child whatever you want to name him or her. Maybe something special to our family or Tanner’s family.”

  “Tanner loves the name Porter too. Besides, Graham and his family have done everything for our family. Sometimes I feel like we both owe him more than a name, we owe him … our firstborn.” She laughed.

  I wretched but nothing came up.

  “Kidding. I’m not suggesting you give Franz to Graham.” More laughing from my blissfully ignorant sister who had no idea the Devil impregnated her.

  Standing straight, I tipped my chin up, pointing my face at the sky and the shards of light breaking through the trees.

  Mom.

  I needed our mom.

  “I just finished a jog, and I’m out of shape. So I’m sorry if my enthusiasm didn’t carry through the phone. Of course I’m thrilled for both of you. I can’t wait to have a little niece or nephew.”

  “Thank you, Evie.”

  “Give Dad a hug for me.” I made my way toward the house again, dragging my tired feet along the gravel.

  “Will do. Bye.”

  Before I made it to the front door, the garage door opened. I backtracked to the side of the house. Ronin slipped on his jacket as he stood at the door to his Subaru.

  “How was your jog?”

  “Fine. Where are you going? I thought you had the weekend off.”

  “I did. But Andy called. He’s sick. I said I’d teach his first aid and CPR class today—in Denver.” Ronin frowned. “The kids are still asleep. I put our sheets in the washer, and oatmeal is warm on the stove.”

  “You’re a good man.” I stuck out my lower lip. “But I’m not going to pretend that I’m not a little bummed. There’s a nip in the air. I thought today might be a good day for a fire. Hot chocolate. Books. Puzzles. Snuggles.” My hands curled into his jacket as I lifted onto my toes to give him a soft kiss. “If I’m even more honest, I was hoping the kids would still be asleep and you’d shower with me this morning.” I grinned against his mouth.

  “Later. I’ll definitely want it later.” He turned toward the car door without so much as a returned kiss or a hug goodbye. I hid my disappointment underneath my captive breath, the creeping of self-doubt into my fragile conscience.

  As he opened the door, I couldn’t keep my feelings completely to myself. “It’s okay for you to want it now, even if you can’t have it now.”

  I knew … I really did know he didn’t mean to make me feel unwanted. Just like I hoped he knew I wasn’t trying to make him feel bad. Sometimes censoring every emotion took too much effort. We exchanged vows. We brought two lives into the world. Surely that meant we could let a little vulnerability leak into the space between us without it ruining everything we’d worked so hard to build together.

  Ronin paused before sliding into the car. With his back to me, he dropped his chin to his chest for a few seconds before he turned back to me.

  “Right?” I shrugged, offering a half smile so that he’d know I wasn’t mad, just … I didn’t know. I wasn’t sure what word described how I felt in that moment. Maybe a little disconnected from my husband.

  “Probably.” When he smiled, I caught a glimpse of the Ronin I married. The unrelenting flirt. My partner in crime and all shenanigans. Before I could cry from relief or even take my next breath, he kissed me.

  Ronin kissed me like he needed me. He kissed me like we were the center of the universe. He kissed me like everything was fine and would always be fine. It wasn’t sexual like the night he caught me with Madonna.

  This kiss said I love you.

  “I needed that,” I whispered, more breathless than I had been on my jog.

  White teeth peeked out from his soft lips. “Me too.”

  “Drive safely.”

  He slid into his car and winked at me. “Always. Um … I’ll have my phone on vibrate during class, so if you try to reach me and can’t, don’t worry. I’ll get back with you during a break.”

  I returned a nod after he shut the door.

  “Oh!” I knocked on the window.

  Ronin rolled it down.

  “Katie called. She’s pregnant.”

  “That’s great. I’ll call her later and congratulate them.”

  Ronin loved me. He loved my family. I married the perfect man. Why the hell did I struggle to have the perfect life with him?

  After a quick shower, I called Lila since the kids were taking full advantage of sleeping late.

  “Hello?”

  “Hey! Haven’t talked with you in a while. I miss you.”

  “I … well, I miss you too.”

  “You should come to Aspen for the day. Ronin was supposed to have the day off, but he’s driving to Denver now to fill in for a friend who got sick and can’t teach his CPR and first aid class. We could do hot chocolate. I’ll make cookies. The kids would love to see you.”

  “Oh, I can’t. I’m sorry. But that sounds like fun.”

  “Why not? Come on!” I begged, laughing at my maturity level which reached maybe that of a ten-year-old.

  “Soon. I just can’t today. I have other obligations. Graham is out of town, but I’m not off duty.”

  “Fine.”

  “Everything else okay?” she asked. “You and Ronin doing better than the last time I talked with you?”

  “I’m not sure. I think so. He still seems so depressed. And I also think he’s experiencing pain some days even though he denies it. Are you feeling okay? I know not everything he feels is directly related to you, but my mind still goes right to that connection when I know he’s not well.”

  “I’m good. So I’m not sure why he’s been off. Are you two…” she cleared her throat “…intimate?”

  “Well, about that … the last time we had sex, it was …”

  “It was what?”

  “Intense.”

  She hummed. “Intense is good, right?”

  “Intense is ‘I could barely walk or sit properly the next day.’ It was this weird angry kind of passion. Possessive. It lasted most of the night, and we did … everything.” Biting my lower lip, I wrinkled my nose. “And we haven’t done everything in a long time. Not since we were first married.”

  “O—kay.”

  Squeezing m
y eyes shut, I shook my head. “Sorry. That was clearly too much information. I guess my point is that we had the most intense sex of our entire married life, but he hasn’t showed any interest in having it since then—not even plain old forty-something sex.”

  “What about Adrianne Craig. Any more from her?”

  “No. I haven’t seen her since the day she drove him home. And Ronin hasn’t mentioned her. I’m hoping she got the hint and moved on.”

  “Yeah … me too.”

  “Oh, and Katie’s pregnant.”

  “Evie! That’s great! Tell her congratulations from me.”

  I rubbed small circles on my forehead to release the tension. “Yeah. I will. A slight catch or caveat to that good news.”

  “What’s that?”

  “Graham paid for Katie’s IVF.”

  “He … he did?”

  Clearly he didn’t tell Lila.

  “Yes.”

  “Well, that’s okay. Good. Right? I mean … if she couldn’t afford it. That’s a good thing that he helped her out.”

  “Sure.”

  After a few silent seconds, Lila cleared her throat. “You don’t think so.”

  It wasn’t a question. She knew me. She knew my complicated and emotional relationship with Graham—most of it.

  I blew out a long breath. “It’s not that I’m ungrateful. It’s just …”

  “It’s just that he’s done so much for your family.”

  “Yes,” I whispered.

  “And you feel indebted.”

  “Yes.”

  “If he didn’t ask for anything in return, then he can’t expect anything. He can’t hold this over her head. He wouldn’t …” Lila’s words faded before she finished her thought.

  He wouldn’t what? Hold it against Katie? No. He would hold it against me or Lila. The need to say more clawed at my conscience. I wanted to say so much to her.

  Are you really happy?

  It’s okay to leave him.

  I will be fine.

  I choose you.

  Please forgive me for pushing you into his life.

  “He had one request.” I let her unfinished thought die because I didn’t like the reality of what she started to say any more than she did.

  “What was that?”

  “He asked her to use Porter for the first name if it’s a boy or the middle name if it’s a girl.”

  “Jesus … figures. Please tell me she’s not seriously thinking of doing it.”

  “I … I don’t know. It’s your last name too. You give the Porter name dignity.”

  “Dignity …”

  “Listen, I don’t want to keep you. But we miss you. Let’s make sure we get together soon. Just the two of us. I miss us.”

  “Me too.” So much sadness bled through her words.

  “Lila?”

  “Yeah?”

  Nibbling the inside of my cheek, I weighed my words, choosing them carefully, finding the right tone to deliver them with a welcoming sincerity. “If something … anything was wrong, would you tell me?”

  Silence.

  Her delayed response answered my question.

  “Li … tell me. There isn’t anything you can’t tell me.”

  “I love you, Evie.”

  Closing my eyes, I let her words wash along my entire being. She meant them. But she also used them to hide what she wouldn’t tell me—maybe couldn’t tell me.

  “If he’s not your forever, that’s okay. Do you hear me? It’s. Okay.”

  Tell her.

  The truth swirled in my head like an unpredictable storm. Tell her that Graham loved me?

  Love … that wasn’t the word. Infatuated? Obsessed? God … that made me sound so conceited.

  “I know. I said until death do us part.”

  “They’re just words, Lila.”

  “And this is all just an experience. Right? You told me that years ago when we were talking about parallel universes.”

  “Yes. But you have a say.”

  “Well, I say I have to go. Love you. Talk soon?”

  “Sure. Bye.” I pressed End.

  CHAPTER TWENTY-TWO

  Lila

  I waited for Ronin in my bedroom.

  Earlier that morning, I showered and shaved my legs and arm pits to match the rest of my bare-naked body. I wasn’t sure why. It wasn’t a date. We weren’t having an affair—at least not one of a sexual nature. After covering my head with a scarf and dressing in a pair of soft leggings and a fitted tee, I called Ronin.

  “Hi,” he answered on the first ring.

  “Are you close?”

  “Ten minutes.”

  “The code to get in is 483562. Can you remember that?”

  “483562. Yeah.”

  “I’ll be upstairs.”

  It took a few seconds for him to respond. “Okay.”

  “Ronin?”

  “Yeah?”

  “This isn’t wrong … like cheating. Right?”

  “I … I don’t know.”

  Tears stung my eyes. “I’m sorry.”

  Another few seconds passed in silence. “I’ll be there soon.” He ended the call.

  I pushed a button that closed my room-darkening blinds. Then I sat on the bed, taking a deep breath. My heart, body, and conscience battled for a sense of reason. Maybe I needed an escape, a place where I didn’t crave the attention and affection of my best friend’s husband. A place where I felt a sense of hope that bloomed inside of me instead of the growing dread that everything around me was about to blow up in my face.

  Before I exploded with anticipation, the bedroom door opened slowly.

  “Lila?”

  “On the bed. I … I don’t want the lights on. If … that’s okay.”

  I felt his approach even though I could barely make out his footsteps on the carpet. The hair along my skin stood on end.

  Did his?

  My heart raced.

  Did his?

  The bed dipped, and I could see a faint outline of his body as he sat with his back to me.

  “You’re nervous,” he murmured.

  He felt me.

  “Yes.” I hugged my arms to my chest, refusing to touch him first. This was all on me—his pain, the guilt, a shared life.

  My life.

  Ronin shared my life in a way I never imagined possible. Yet, he put my feelings into words. I couldn’t hide the darkest parts of myself from him.

  “You feel hopeless.”

  I swallowed my nerves. “Sometimes.”

  “But not now.”

  “No,” I whispered.

  “Because you want this.”

  When I didn’t answer, he turned toward me. I hoped the darkness hid my tears. “I don’t know what I want.”

  Ronin laid his tall, warm body beside me. I jumped when his fingertips ghosted along my right cheekbone. His touch didn’t hurt, at least … not on my face.

  My reaction didn’t deter him from keeping his fingers connected to my skin, gently wiping away the tears. Ronin didn’t speak about those tears. And he didn’t ask permission to remove my scarf.

  I swallowed a lifetime of heartache when his lips pressed to my head where I used to have hair. No man had ever made me feel so safe … so cherished … so needed.

  The feathering of his touch, the way it regarded me as something special, something that could break, it did things to me it should not have done. It was my job to make him feel better, not the other way around.

  Warmth radiated along my skin, settling into places it didn’t belong, not with Evie’s husband in my bed.

  Ronin

  No words existed to fully describe how I felt touching Lila.

  Calm?

  Whole?

  And desired.

  I felt her desire for me. Not in the way I felt Evelyn’s desire for me, and not in a way I’d ever felt my own desire. It flowed through me just like her pain, her depression, all the guilt, and every aching drop of fear. I needed her touch, but that
wasn’t a singular gift. I could have all or nothing.

  “Turn the other way,” I whispered.

  Lila rolled to the other side so I could hug her back to my chest. Her breath caught in her chest, paralyzing her whole body as I froze in place too. I had an erection. And I couldn’t explain it.

  I loved Evie.

  I desired Evie.

  I needed Lila to take away the pain, the depression, the thoughts of hopelessness.

  My reaction to her surprised me as much as it surprised her.

  It was her. But how could I say that? How could I accuse her of making me hard? Lila had cancer and an injured face. Lila risked her own marriage to refill the bottomless void I felt from saving her life. A lifelong friendship with Evie hung in the balance, vulnerable to complete destruction if anyone ever found out about us.

  As we held our breaths, I felt the desire—her desire—growing. My breathing turned ragged like her breaths. My flesh heated beneath my clothes, like her flesh. I felt it in my chest and along my thighs. I felt engorged. Her need to be filled collided with my need to fill someone. There was no way I was turned on by her. I didn’t think of her that way. And yet … there we were. And I fucking couldn’t pull myself away because Lila was my new drug. My new Oxy.

  She took away my pain. I felt weightless with her in my arms. Lila did something to me that took me to a place I never even approached with the Oxy. I tried to stop myself from moving my hips forward—desperately feeling the need to rub my goddamn erection against something … literally anything.

  I couldn’t explain it. It wasn’t Lila I wanted, yet it was so much Lila. Her desire flowed through me triggering my desire, and I felt both. I felt how she felt. I knew where I wanted to be touched and where she wanted to be touched. The two felt inseparable, too much, too strong to pull apart. I needed her to … god … I didn’t know what. Not be turned on by me?

  “Ronin …” she whispered, her chest expanding and collapsing so hard I could feel it.

  “Don’t talk. Don’t move. Don’t feel that, Lila,” I begged her to not want the things I knew she desired, to not feel an attraction to me.