Dungeon Crawler Carl Book 2

by DoctorHepa

  I slid my way toward the cab, the wall occasionally catching the back of my cloak, causing it to whip up, threatening to pull me over. I slid down the boiler, reaching the window, which was about as wide as the platform, and only about three feet tall.

  I peered inside, swallowing hard at the mess of valves, levers, and gauges. My eyes caught a splatter of gore against the back of the interior. The driver must have been red-tagged. Whatever he was, he was very, very dead now.

  The train trembled as it started to curve. Shit. Shit.

  I formed a fist, summoning my gauntlet. I punched the window. It was like punching through paper. I had to punch several times to clear the glass away. The train bumped ominously, the tracks stuttering. I squeezed myself into the narrow window, falling hard into the cab.

  Entering the Nightmare Express.

  Gore filled the chamber. It stank of oil and fire and blood. There was a second dead engineer against the wall on the other side. Great, I thought. Two drivers meant this shit was twice as complicated.

  I turned to the controls. There were even more spigots and gauges and handles now I could see the control panel full on. Pipes ran everywhere. At the bottom was a door like on a wood-burning stove. It had a little glass window showing fire raging within. This was where they tossed the coal in to heat the boiler. My eyes caught a row of pressure gauges along the top of the controls. There were five of them, and all of them were almost in the red. The train bucked as it rumbled over track.

  On the right side of the controls was a large, red lever that I assumed was the throttle. I squeezed the handle and eased it down. I felt the train slow. I relaxed, but then I saw the pressure gauges start to rise. One of them shot all the way up to the top.

  To my horror, a new tooltip popped up over the control station.

  Shattering Train Bomb

  Type: A steam boiler made with a shocking disregard for safety. It’s almost like they want this thing to explode.

  Effect: It’s a train-sized grenade that is going to detonate from extreme pressure. What do you think the effect will be?

  Status: Deteriorating. 75/1000

  If you don’t figure this shit out in about two minutes, it’s going to be pretty damn spectacular.

  A chain hung from the ceiling. I pulled, and the whistle blew. I held it down to see if that alleviated the pressure. One of the gauges lowered. The others did not. I pulled another lever, easing it. The brakes. They only worked for a moment. I had to pump them back and forth, but it came with diminishing returns. There was another identical lever below it. I had no idea what the hell I was doing, and I feared I was doing more harm than good. It was already too late for me to run to the back of the train and jump off.

  I was about to message Imani and Elle to ask them if any of the Meadow Lark team knew how to drive a train when I saw the face staring back at me through the little fireplace window. Startled, I jumped back. Then I saw the dot appear on my minimap. A white dot. An NPC. Inside the fire.

  I didn’t allow myself enough time to think about it. I grasped onto the burning handle and turned, opening the door. Heat blasted into the chamber. A demonic, female head popped out of the hole.

  The red-skinned, black-haired woman was a 1950’s pinup vision of a red devil woman, at least from the neck up. Only her head fit through the little hole. She had her hair up in a rockabilly-style up-do, tied with a red bandana. Two black horns rose through her hair. Steam rose off of her, and her eyes were swirling, black orbs. The demon woman had heavy rings under her black eyes, making her look exhausted.

  Fire Brandy – Lesser Demon MILF. Level 75.

  Fire(wo)man of the Nightmare Express.

  This is a non-combatant NPC.

  A single mother’s gotta eat!

  Where one finds big ovens that need stoking, one will regularly find a Lesser Demon in control. But if it’s a fire that needs to be extra hot, the much-rarer Sheol MILFs are often employed to keep those fires sizzling.

  Once a pregnant Lesser Demon falls into labor, her delivery usually lasts about sixty days. During these two months, she has a litter of 15-18,000 babies, delivering one approximately every five minutes, non-stop.

  Only one in 10,000 Lesser Demon babies are viable. The rest rarely live more than a few seconds. Their corpses shrivel and harden, becoming a valuable resource called Sheol Bricks. The 15th floor will be lousy with them. If exposed to fire, Sheol Bricks burn long and hot. Lesser Demon MILFs who also learn water magic can find lucrative work as steam boiler fire stokers. Once they seal themselves within the boiler, they create an almost self-sufficient system that keeps most larger boilers humming. Plus it’s a convenient method of disposing of their failed young.

  This train is running on dead babies. Holy crap that’s fucked up.

  “Child, you are just in time,” Fire Brandy said. She spoke loudly, over the roar of the train. She had an odd accent, almost German. It was a peculiar juxtaposition with her appearance. “Something happened to the engineer and that kotzbrocken war mage. They go splat. See that valve there on the top left? Will you turn it for me? The idiot didn’t release that valve, and I can’t control it from here.”

  “Uh, this one?” I said.

  “That’s right. Turn it left. Turn it all the way. Yes. Very gut.” One of the five gauges moved into the green. The train shuddered as if in pleasure.

  New Achievement! Kept A Rollin’

  You’re driving a train! Holy shit!

  Reward: I’m pretty sure the act of driving a train is a badass-enough award.

  From there, Fire Brandy taught me how to take control of the train using crisp, matter-of-fact language. After I turned one valve one way for ten seconds, and then the other for another five, the “This is a bomb” tooltip disappeared. I relaxed.

  I managed to stop the train completely while we went over the controls. Then I got it moving again at a slow clip, about thirty miles per hour. That was a fraction of its normal speed. She taught me the throttle and the two-control braking system. One was for the brakes on the engine itself, another was for the train cars. I’d nearly wrecked us when I’d been jacking with it earlier, and I hadn’t even realized. Three times she gave birth while we talked. She scrunched up her face, and I heard a quick scream that was almost immediately cut away.

  “Now you know how to run train,” she eventually said. “Do not go fast. Do not overpressurize, and we will have no problems, no? Now close my door and leave me be.” She pointed to a small box at the back of the chamber. “But if something happens to me, you have that box. You can’t use for long because you have no source of water or oil. So only use it to get back to the station and vent as much as you can. Now close the door.” She started to pull her head back in.

  “Wait,” I said. “How do I get to the station from here?”

  “Hit the switch. It is on the tracks just before the next stop. You have a few options. Choose ‘Station Repair’ and you’ll get to the station, and the train will be fixed.” She waved toward the starboard side of the train, the side I hadn’t entered through.

  She pulled her head back in. Over the roar of the fire and train, I heard the cry of another baby, and then a second.

  She has two babies in there. Two viable babies already.

  I closed and sealed the door using the heavy rag she’d pointed out. Hit the switch? How would I do that? I examined the driver’s station on the right side. There was a handle there, leading to a pole attached to the side of the boiler. I realized it was like a lance. Using the handle I could swing the pole to the side, presumably to hit the switches on the tracks. If I tried it now, all I’d do was hit the wall and break it. I’d have to be moving very slow before I dared try it.

  I looked down at the small box she’d indicated. It sat in the back of the cab, near the exit. The box was covered in gore where the driver or the war mage had been pushed against it. I lifted the lid and pulled a black chunk out of it.

  Sheol Brick

  If San
ta gives coal to the regular naughty kids, he’d probably give this stuff to history’s greatest villains, like Hans Gruber and the guy who invented those shoes with the individual toes built in. It burns a lot hotter and a lot longer than regular coal. And when I say “a lot longer,” I mean until the end of your lifetime. So like a week or more.

  You don’t want to know where this comes from.

  I dropped it in revulsion, wiping my hand on my cloak. There were about fifty bricks in the chest. I took a deep breath and then I picked up the entire box, adding them all to my inventory. I shuddered.

  In the mess of gore I found two items. A small satchel containing 350 gold and a large, bronze key. I picked it up.

  Steam Engineer’s Key. I quickly examined it.

  Allows access to Iron Tangle employee-only areas and actions on all 400 steam-type trains of the Tangle.

  I was finally able to relax and look about my surroundings. I was alive. Not only was I alive, but I’d stolen a train. I had stolen a goddamned train.

  Only then did I notice my stats. “Holy fuckballs,” I said out loud.

  I had risen three whole levels. I was now level 32. I had three new neighborhood boss boxes.

  Apparently, I’d killed every monster on the train. And three of them were neighborhood bosses. I looked at the map, and I didn’t see any X’s on the train at all. The last time I’d done this, I hadn’t even gone up a level. This time I’d hit the jackpot. It looked as if I’d also gotten a bunch of experience for taking control of the train. Despite all that, I only had one additional achievement I hadn’t yet opened. I pulled it up now.

  New achievement! Three Cheers for Slaughter!

  You killed three boss monsters with the same attack! I’m starting to think your survival so far isn’t just a fluke. You’re either scary good at this, or you’re just one lucky mo-fo. Either way, holy shit. Good job.

  Reward: You’ve received a Platinum Big Daddy Box!

  There was a small door out the back of the engine car. Stepping over the gore, I opened the hatch to gaze out over the back of the train as it chugged slowly down the track.

  I laughed at the sheer amount of destruction I’d wrought with my shield spell. The passenger car just behind the engine appeared to be fully intact, though I spied blood inside. That was the only other car on the train that remained unscathed. The remaining cars, the ones that had been filled with the giant monsters, were still on the tracks and pulling behind the train, but the walls had all been peeled away and broken, turning the cars into a bunch of flatbeds. Several of the wall pieces still hung, attached to the cars. They sparked as they came into contact with the tunnel wall. A chunk of wood ripped off as I watched, bouncing and falling back onto the track behind the train. The caboose was still there, but the entire top of the structure was sheared off.

  I couldn’t believe we hadn’t wrecked the whole thing. That other train had been pretty easy to derail. I wondered if there was magic keeping this particular train on the tracks. Then again, I just almost blew the whole thing up. Maybe the cars themselves were built to break like this. Maybe they hoped we’d accidentally unleash the giant monsters onto the tracks, and they deliberately made the walls weak.

  Carl: Hey Donut, can you go back out on the tracks and see if any of the corpses out there are neighborhood bosses? I have no idea where the hell I am, and it’d be pretty useful if you could snag the route map off a boss corpse and then let me know when I’m approaching the stops. Make sure they’re dead before you approach.

  Donut: OKAY, BUT DON’T RUN ME OVER.

  It had only been about forty minutes, and I was now moving at a snail’s pace compared to its regular speed. If I’d even come to the next station, I’d missed it. I suspected I still had a bit before I got there.

  Carl: You have plenty of time. I’m going to try to eyeball what’s at station 436, and then I’ll loop around to pick you guys up.

  Hopefully the debris on the track wasn’t enough to stop the train. I’d find out when I got there. I had a thought, and I pulled up chat again.

  Carl: But if you’re worried, this might be a good time to field test riding Mongo. You can race down the track to see how fast you two go.

  Donut: CARL YOU ARE A GENIUS.

  Carl: You know it.

  Donut: CARL?

  Carl: Yeah?

  Donut: DON’T EVER DO THIS TO ME AGAIN. I THOUGHT YOU’D BEEN SQUISHED.

  A note from DoctorHepa

  Happy Monday everybody! I hope ya'll had a good weekend. Once again, thanks so much for reading and commenting.

  I have a new, fancy-schmancy mailing list. If you don't mind being spammed maybe a few times a year about my books and whatnot, I'd appreciate your sign up.

  * * *

  One of the most difficult parts of being one of the planet's only defenders from the impending invasion is dealing with loneliness. So Toby recently started online dating. He's pretty excited about this new woman he just met. They share a lot of the same qualities and interests. Freddie says there's something fishy about her, but Toby insists Freddie is just jealous. Toby has a hot date with her tonight. She's insisting on meeting at the base. Toby knows what that means, and he just went to the store to get protection. Here's he and his date's pictures.

  Chapter 88

  The Nightmare Express

  Less than five minutes later, the train rolled through the switching station. The tunnel widened, leading to a large, well-lit cavern. Several other tracks ran through here, but I didn’t see any other trains. There were dozens of entrances and exits.

  The first switch was a large, round target, painted red. It was a well-worn metal plate on a pole, sticking up from the ground like a stop sign. I was supposed to use the lance thing to hit the switch if I wanted the train to change tracks. This first one was labeled “Auxiliary Tracks. Warning.” The next was “Station Repair,” and after that was a third entitled “Recycle.”

  There were so many tracks on the ground, it was difficult to tell what led where. I followed the Recycle track with my eyes, which led to a massive archway at the far side of the cavern.

  A colossal, glowing portal dominated the center of the room. I tried to examine it using my new subspace portal skill, but it said I needed to be closer for it to work. This was the “Station Repair” portal.

  I tried to follow the course of the Auxiliary Track, but it got lost in the tangle of other tracks. I wasn’t certain, but it appeared to lead to another switching area with dozens of additional choices. If my brain was parsing it correctly, it looked as if I could possibly switch the Nightmare Express to one of several other train lines.

  A large train steamed through the room, belching smoke and chugging merrily away. This one came from the opposite direction. It didn’t slow as it passed. This was also a steam locomotive, but it had a more modern design, with a smaller cowcatcher. It pulled ten cars. I caught a quick glance of the final car. It was a caboose similar to what this train once had. Two spears stuck up from the back balcony, and a pair of human heads were impaled on the sticks. The engineer tooted twice in greeting before disappearing into the tunnel.

  A minute later, I re-entered the tunnel.

  Donut: I GOT THE MAP AND A LOT OF GOLD. YOU ARE ABOUT TO COME TO STATION 436. THERE ARE A LOT OF DEAD BODY PARTS AND WOOD AND METAL ON THE TRACKS. ALSO MONGO CAN RUN REALLY, REALLY FAST.

  Carl: Okay, thanks. I’ll loop around to pick you up. Hopefully the train can push through all the stuff on the tracks. But in case it won’t be able to, I’m going to stop and check out this station 436 now while I still can.

  Ahead, I could see the light of the platform. I slowed the train as I approached. It looked like any other platform from this angle. The sign above it read Abyss Station - 436. I eased the engine to a stop, set the brake, stuck the boiler to standby, and I stepped out of the cab. After a moment’s hesitation, I decided to close the door to the engine car just in case. Someone could still climb in through the broken front window,
but this would dissuade all but the most determined train-jackers.

  Entering Abyss Station.

  I searched the map for signs of life. I saw nothing. I felt the ground rumble, and I could hear a train rush by. It sounded as if it was directly above me. There was a distant whine of a different train and a muffled crash. A minute later came another crash. And then another. Another train whipped by. This one sounded below me. It reminded me of being in line for a roller coaster at an amusement park, with things whipping by from all directions.

  The station was bare. No sign. No bench. There was only a single set of metal, industrial-style stairs in the center of the platform. The stairs here were especially steep, like those on a fire escape. The stairs led upward and disappeared through a dark hatch in the ceiling. I hesitated, and then I pulled a torch from my inventory and ascended. I’m just going to look.

  It took almost an hour to ascend the stairs. The entire time, the sounds of trains coming and going and crashing surrounded me. The walls continually shook. Donut and Katia both demanded I keep them constantly updated. Finally, just as Donut was regaling Katia with a story about how she pulled a last-minute win at some best-in-show cat pageant because her biggest competitor, a Singapura, was disqualified over some paperwork dispute, I saw a red light at the top of the stairs. Ten minutes later, I pulled myself up onto a circular, iron cat walk, overlooking a massive, flaming pit. The long walkway circled the interior of hole. Hot air blasted up at me.

  Entering the Abyss.

  “Oh wow,” I muttered.

  Below me, above me, and all around the interior of the massive, burning pit was hundreds and hundreds, if not thousands, of giant, glowing portals. Catwalks like the one I was standing upon dotted the interior at non-regular intervals. Monstrous shapes haunted the walkways, but none were near me.

  I had a memory, of standing on the precipice of the Grand Canyon. It was just my mom and me standing on the edge, looking off into the chasm. This had been on the way back from Texas. My father was there in the car, waiting. His presence, patiently waiting behind us was even bigger than that of the canyon spread before us. I remembered that moment at the barrier, my mom clutching tightly onto my wrist. For a moment, she clasped so much it hurt.