The Grace Awakening

by Charles R Swindoll

  You may be surprised to know that the apostle Paul had every reason to feel ashamed. He was one whose past was dreadful: "formerly a blasphemer . . . persecutor . . . violent aggressor." Then how could the same man write, "I am not ashamed" (2 Tim. 1:12)? He gives us the answer here in 1 Timothy 1:14: Grace was more than abundant. Blasphemy had abounded in his past, but grace superabounded. Violence and brutality had abounded, but grace superabounded.

  What if it read "divorcee"? What if it read "homosexual"? What if it read "addict"? I realize it reads "blasphemer, persecutor, aggressor." But what if it read "prostitute" or "ex-con" or "financial failure" or "murderer"? In a grace-awakened ministry, none of those things in the past are allowed to hold those people in bondage. They are released, forgiven, and the believer is allowed to go on to a new life in Christ.

  Are You Really a Minister of Grace?

  Grace releases people, not only from sin but from shame. Do you do that in your ministry? Or do you make a note of those things and keep reminding yourself when that particular name comes up, "Well, you know, you'd better watch her" or "You've gotta watch him." Do you give people reasons to feel greater shame? Who knows what battles of shame most folks struggle with. It is enormous.

  Two good friends of mine in the Orange County area of Southern California are therapists . . . and they are excellent in their work. Marilyn Meberg and Dr. Earl Henslin have both mentioned to me on separate occasions that one of the most frequent struggles they try to help people with is the inner struggle with shame. Since both counselors are Christians, many of their clients are too, yet this does not free them from shame. To be completely candid about it, it usually intensifies the problem. Why? Because many in God's family are better at encouraging shame in others than they are at releasing it.

  Before you question that, stop and think how often you have heard the five words, "You ought to be ashamed" or how many times you have received a look that said the same. Shame is not only counterproductive, it is debilitating. It brings a thick, dark cloud of depression over an already hypersensitive conscience, severing what few threads of self-respect remain. It adds disgrace to what has already been done, leaving one to wallow in the mire of failure rather than claim the release that forgiveness can bring. It holds down rather than lifts up; it steals hope instead of offering encouragement. Shame is a classic grace killer.

  Christians can be such shamers! We not only make people ashamed of their wrongs, we shame them for being different. I know a few Christians who have been made to feel ashamed because they never married. Others because they had made a lot of money, all of it honestly and through hard work. Some told me they felt ashamed because their sickness didn't go away, others because their depression didn't end quickly. I know one gentleman who is an absolute joy to be around—so

  Are You Really a Minister of Grace?

  much fun. He told me it isn't uncommon for him to get looks as well as letters of rebuke because he has "too much fun in life." A fine Christian wife and mother told me recently that she was told she "should be ashamed" because she worked outside the home. She is in her mid-fifties and all her children are married.

  Dr. Henslin often speaks on this subject. In doing so he distributes a small flier that includes the following list of contrasts, which I have found helpful, and I think you will, too:

  SHAME-BASED SPIRITUALITY

  1. Having problems is sin.

  2. Emotions are sinful.

  3. Compulsive disease is sinful.

  4. Having fun is sinful.

  5. Spirituality = Perfection.

  6. Sexuality = Sin.

  7. Success (or its lack) is sinful.

  8. Becoming a Christian fixes everything within me.

  9. If I am not healed it is due to my lack of faith.

  HEALTHY SPIRITUALITY

  Problems are a part of my human condition. I can bring them to God and my fellow Christians.

  Emotions are neither good nor bad. It's what I do with them. "Be angry and sin not." There is a difference between disease and sinful behavior. There are many different ways to delight in God's goodness. Living within grace not legalism.

  Sexuality is a part of who we are as people and is to be enjoyed.

  Prosperity or poverty is not due to deficient spirituality. Accepting Christ in my life enables and empowers me to face issues.

  Having illness is not a sin. I can avail myself to the best treatment possible.

  Are You Really a Minister of Grace?

  10. Not being able to think of a God probably likes the number 9 clever 10th item may mean just as well. 7 I'm not being led by God.

  A QUICK REVIEW

  We have covered a lot of ground in this chapter. Because it has been a bit lengthy, a quick recap might help.

  Those who minister grace are essential in this day of graceless legalism and human might-and-power accomplishments. More than ever we need grace-awakening ministers who free rather than bind. These five characteristics are true of those who serve others in grace:

  1. Generosity with personal possessions . . . absence of selfishness

  2. Encouragement in unusual settings . . . absence of predictability

  3. Life beyond the letter of Scripture . . . absence of dogmatic Bible-bashing

  4. Liberty for creative expression . . . absence of expectations

  5. Release from past failures . . . absence of shame

  Do you remember one of Paul's exhortations to Timothy? His words provide the marching orders for all who take these five characteristics seriously: "Be strong in the grace that is in Christ Jesus" (2 Tim. 2:1)! My fellow ministers, stand tall in it. Be firmly committed to it. Make grace your aim, your pursuit, your passion. Model it. Teach it. Demonstrate it.

  "Jefferson Starship" is a singing group that rose to the top in the decade of the 1980s with a song that stayed on the popular hit parade for months: "We Built This City on Rock and Roll."

  Are You Really a Minister of Grace?

  Borrowing my idea from that title, I suggest that we do all we can to change whatever is necessary so that it won't be said, "We built this church on might and power," or "We built this relationship on expectations and shame." Such things will not last. They will fade and ultimately fail. How much better to be able to say, "We built this ministry on truth and grace." Like a house built on rock, such a ministry will outlive us.

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  A Marriage Oiled by Grace

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  A

  .ctress Celeste Holm spoke for all of us when she said, "We live by encouragement and we die without it; slowly, sadly, angrily." 1 There is no way to measure how many find themselves in that tragic situation, but we can be sure the number is astronomical.

  The lack of encouragement and affirmation is notorious. It is for that reason so many hate to go to work every day. Or cannot wait to get out of school. Or dread facing the demands of a family. Or do not get more involved in community activities. Responsibilities become little more than a series of grinding, grim assignments without the relief provided by encouragement. This means that those who do affirm and encourage others are not only rare, they are remarkable. Almost invariably, I have found they are people of grace. They model the things I have been writing about in this book . . . and they do so in private just as consistently as they do in public. They value relationships even with the unknown and so called "unimportant."

  My years in ministry have allowed me a great deal of exposure to the public, which has included a fair amount of travel. I am usually met at the airport by those whose job it is to transport me to a hotel or the place where I will be speaking. One of the things I enjoy about such encounters is the opportunity to spend several miles with these faithful folks who work behind

  A Marriage Oiled by Grace

  the scenes, those whose faces and names are not generally known, yet they are vital links in the success of the meetings or the event that is about to transpire. Almost without exception I find these people gracious, serv
ant-hearted givers who carry out their tasks with diligence and humility. Therefore, I deliberately do my best to treat them with grace—to express appreciation, to lift their spirits, to affirm the importance of their role in the particular ministry I have the privilege of being a part of.

  I cannot tell you how many times such a person has expressed surprise that anyone has bothered to notice or taken the time to encourage. I recall one young man who, after we had gotten better acquainted and enjoyed a few laughs together, spoke candidly of how difficult it had been trying to please some of those he had assisted. He commented on one well-known public figure (whom he did not name) who was such a pain in private. "He griped 'cause I was a few minutes late," he said. "He was discourteous, demanding, and even rude to me. But when he spoke that night, you would think he was Dale Carnegie's twin!" My young friend admitted he had begun to get the impression that apparently that is the way it must be, even though his heart told him otherwise. The truth is, he found himself dying without encouragement—"slowly, sadly, angrily." What really threw him was that all his riders were Christians.

  When will we ever learn? Those who make a lasting investment for good on our lives are not necessarily people with a name or people with reputations, but servant-hearted people with grace. People whose kindness is as consistent with a hardworking secretary as with the hand-clapping public. Not people who are guilty of polishing their public presence yet so uncaring about private relationships they are tyrannical and insensitive. The words of Dag Hammarskjold come to mind:

  Around a man who has been pushed into the limelight, a legend begins to grow as it does around a dead man. But a dead

  A Marriage Oiled by Grace

  man is in no danger of yielding to the temptation to nourish his legend, or accept its picture as reality. I pity the man who falls in love with his image as it is drawn by public opinion during the honeymoon of publicity. 2

  I pity someone else even more—his wife.

  What does it take to make a person great . . . not just under the lights or before the camera but behind the scenes as well? What does it take to make one just as charming and thoughtful and encouraging with his or her mate as with those who sit in awe? I have the answer: It takes grace —the oil that lessens the friction in marriage, which is precisely what I want to address in this chapter.

  We have thought about grace from God, grace that breaks sin's enslavement, grace in the church, grace between friends in times of disagreement, as well as grace among those in ministry. It is now time for us to think about the importance of grace between husbands and wives. In my opinion, it is here— in the privacy of one's home—that grace faces its major test, a test which begins not too many days after the honeymoon ends. As one wag put it, "Every marriage has three rings: engagement ring, wedding ring, and suffering." More times than I want to remember, I have found that it was easier to extend grace to a parishioner or one of the folks on our church staff than it was for me to treat Cynthia with grace. So as I write these things, understand I write as an imperfect learner. We may have been married thirty-five years, but the oil of grace has not always flowed in abundance, certainly not from me. Like many married couples, we have had to admit that a "grace awakening" is just as needed in our home as it is in our church, perhaps more so.

  While grazing through the New Testament over the past several years, I have found that marriage is addressed somewhat at length in three separate places, each time mentioning both husbands and wives. Those scriptures are 1 Corinthians 7, Ephesians 5, and 1 Peter 3. As I analyzed each section, I found

  A Marriage Oiled by Grace

  that the Corinthians reference deals with marital realities that are tough to face, the Ephesians reference deals with marital responsibilities every couple must accept, and the Peter reference deals with the marital roles that need to be fulfilled. In each case, the secret of making it happen as God planned it requires grace.

  THE GRACE TO FACE MARITAL REALITIES

  As I study the seventh chapter of 1 Corinthians, I find no fewer than three realities (of course, there may be more) to be faced by every married couple. I am so convinced of the significance of each one, that I mention them to every couple I marry. I also have observed that among those I know, whose marriages have not lasted, one or more of these realities was passively ignored or deliberately set aside.

  First: Marriage requires mutual unselfishness.

  Let the husband fulfill his duty to his wife, and likewise also the wife to her husband. The wife does not have authority over her own body, but the husband does; and likewise also the husband does not have authority over his own body, but the wife does. Stop depriving one another, except by agreement for a time that you may devote yourselves to prayer, and come together again lest Satan tempt you because of your lack of self-control. (1 Cor. 7:3-5)

  Paul writes of "duty" and "authority" and "depriving," all terms in this context having to do with sexual intimacy. The application is broader, however. What he is encouraging is unselfishness. What does it take to operate unselfishly? It takes grace. Grace to accept, to overlook, to understand. Grace to forgive. Grace to respect. Grace to yield one's own rights. Grace to affirm. Grace to restrain. Grace to give as well as grace to receive. Marriage requires mutual unselfishness. When I speak

  A Marriage Oiled by Grace

  to those who are still single, I frequently address the issue of selfishness. I'll often say, "If you tend toward being selfish, if you're the type who clings to your own rights and has no interest sharing with others, please do the world (and certainly any potential mate) a favor and don't marry!" Why do I make such a strong statement? Because marriage, a good marriage, requires mutual unselfishness. It calls for grace to release rights and expect little in return.

  There is a second reality: Marriage means a lifelong commitment.

  But to the married I give instructions, not I, but the Lord, that the wife should not leave her husband (but if she does leave, let her remain unmarried, or else be reconciled to her husband), and that the husband should not send his wife away. But to the rest I say, not the Lord, that if any brother has a wife who is an unbeliever, and she consents to live with him, let him not send her away. And a woman who has an unbelieving husband, and he consents to live with her, let her not send her husband away. (1 Cor. 7:10-13)

  Unless you are ready for a commitment that lasts for life, again I say without hesitation, don't marry. If Paul is writing anything in this paragraph, he is writing this, "When you marry, you marry for life." He has permanence in mind. Did you observe his firm counsel along these lines?

  • The wife should not leave her husband (v. 10).

  • The husband should not leave his wife (v. 11).

  • Let him not send her away (v. 12).

  • Let her not send him away (v. 13).

  To write it once would be sufficient. Twice would be extremely and unmistakably clear. Three times would be more than enough. But four times? The man means business!

  A Marriage Oiled by Grace

  Years ago Cynthia and I took the ugly word divorce out of our dialogues. We agreed we would not even store it in the arsenal of our argument vocabulary. No matter how heated our disagreements may be, we'd not threaten each other with that term. It does something to a marriage when you can count on your partner to stick around and hammer out your differences with each other instead of walking away from them.

  What does it take to stick it out . . . to be permanently committed to each other? I repeat, it takes grace! There is not a divorcee reading these words who wouldn't agree with that. It takes an enormous amount of grace to negotiate through the mine field of disagreements. It takes grace to forgive and go on. Grace to hang tough even though the same mistake is made over and over or the same sin committed again and again. A marriage well-oiled by grace is durable, longlasting—protected against the wear and tear of friction.

  There's a third reality, just as important to remember as the first two: Marriage includes
times of trouble.

  I think then that this is good in view of the present distress, that it is good for a man to remain as he is. Are you bound to a wife? Do not seek to be released. Are you released from a wife? Do not seek a wife. But if you should marry, you have not sinned; and if a virgin should marry, she has not sinned. Yet such will have trouble in this life, and I am trying to spare you. (1 Cor. 7:26-28)

  Truer words regarding marriage were never written: "Such will have trouble." Every bride who thinks she has found the knight in shining armor who is going to save her from all her disappointments needs to remember, "such will have trouble." Every groom who thinks he has found Wonder Woman, the perfect blend of Mother Teresa, Betty Crocker, Chris Evert, and Cheryl Ladd, needs to remember, "such will have trouble." I'll go one step further: Marriage and troubles are synonymous!

  A Marriage Oiled by Grace

  Without wanting to come across as the Ebenezer Scrooge of wedding bells and lovely ceremonies at the altar, I must say that troubles are inevitable. The list is endless. Trouble from calamities. Trouble from disease. Trouble from the old nature. Trouble from children. Trouble from family squabbles. Trouble from differing viewpoints about time, temperature, and trips. Trouble from neighbors. Trouble because of finances. Trouble due to pressure at work you can't turn off. Trouble, trouble, trouble! And it will require grace for the two of you to endure. Grace to accept, grace to forgive ... to laugh much of it off, grace to keep going, grace to encourage the other in the midst of the periodic paths that lead through conflict and disagreement.

  I don't know how many times Cynthia has taken my hand, looked me right in the eye, and said, "Honey, we'll make it through this." That took grace, and it lifted my spirit. On other occasions I had the grace to help her. Without the grace to let each other be, our marriage would be stormy and full of struggles. We have very different temperaments. We also have tastes that don't always agree. Most noticeably, we also have opposite internal thermostats. She is perpetually cold in the winter . . . and often cool in the summer. I'm hot through both! This means that the place in our home that collects the most fingerprints is the thermostat. I regularly push it down, she continually pushes it up. It takes grace for me to live in a sweltering greenhouse . . . and grace for her to survive in an frosty igloo. I sweat, she freezes. I like it to be so cool you could hang meat in the kitchen, she likes it a couple of notches below the Arabian Desert.