The Grace Awakening
Page 23
But we've finally solved one temperature problem, the electric blanket battle: Dual controls! I prefer my side on Off or, if there's a blizzard outside (which is rare in Southern California), maybe on 1. She varies between 7 and 9. Actually, I much prefer to sleep on top of the covers. She likes being buried beneath all those layers—it is unbelievable! But the best part comes when her side of the dual-control blanket finally burns out. We just flip that baby over—I take her side that no longer
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works and she gets mine, which seems like it's brand new—and we get twice the life out of the sucker. Grace not only gives us tolerance, it saves us bucks.
THE GRACE TO ACCEPT PERSONAL RESPONSIBILITIES
So much for realities; let's focus next on the grace needed to accept responsibilities. That seems to be the emphasis in Ephe-sians 5:22-33.
I realize as we dig deeper into the subject of marriage that I am treading on delicate ground. To say it is controversial is to put it mildly. Some have taught the subjects of husband-wife responsibilities to such a severe extreme, little room is left to breathe on one's own or to think things through. On the other hand, these (and related verses) have been twisted and altered so much that their original impact has sometimes been neutralized. I want to guard against both extremes. My hope is to help you see two foundational facts: first, the wife's primary responsibility, and second, the husband's primary responsibility. Neither is all that complicated, but for some strange reason, many marriages seem to consistently miss the mark.
The Wife's Primary Responsibility
As we determine the wife's basic responsibility, let's allow Scripture to speak first: "Wives, be subject to your own husbands, as to the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife, as Christ also is the head of the church, He Himself being the Savior of the body. But as the church is subject to Christ, so also the wives ought to be to their husbands in everything" (Eph. 5:22-24).
These are familiar words to many Christians; therefore, they can easily lose their "punch." To guard against that, let's consider other versions and paraphrases of the same verses.
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Wives, submit to your husbands as to the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church, his body, of which he is the Savior. Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit to their husbands in everything, (niv)
You wives must learn to adapt yourselves to your husbands, as you submit yourselves to the Lord, for the husband is the "head" of the wife in the same way that Christ is head of the Church and savior of the body. The willing subjection of the Church to Christ should be reproduced in4he submission of wives to their husbands, (phillips).
Wives, submit yourselves to your husbands as to the Lord. For a husband has authority over his wife just as Christ has authority over the church; and Christ is himself the Savior of the church, his body. And so wives must submit themselves completely to their husbands just as the church submits itself to Christ, (tev)
Wives, submit to your own husbands, as to the Lord. For the husband is head of the wife, as also Christ is head of the church; and He is the Savior of the body. Therefore, just as the church is subject to Christ, so let the wives be to their own husbands in everything, (nkjv)
As I examine these words, I find that the wife's primary responsibility is to know herself so well and to respect herself so much, she gives herself to her husband without hesitation.
Let me suggest that you read the previous statement again, this time more slowly and preferably aloud.
In the context of this section of Scripture, there is an atmosphere of sweet harmony. If you take the time to read the verses (w. 15-21) leading up to the three that are specifically addressed to wives, you will find that Paul emphasizes being wise (v. 15), being filled with the Spirit (v. 18), having a heart that is overflowing with joy (v. 19), giving thanks (v. 20), and possessing a submissive spirit to one another out of respect for Christ
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(v. 21). It is within that atmosphere of delightful harmony that a wife is best able to know and respect herself so much, she has little difficulty giving herself to her husband. In such a home there isn't a struggle for authority or rights. There is a willingness to release the controls. At the risk of repetition, it is a grace state of mind that prompts such attitudes.
I can hear some answering back, "If you only knew my husband, you would know how much grace it takes!" To which I'd probably agree, you are correct. But that is the challenge of it all. With the Lord Jesus Christ supremely in charge of your life, with the Spirit of God energizing your actions and softening your attitude, your words, and your responses, it is remarkable how powerful grace can be. It isn't called "amazing grace" for nothing! Just as God, in grace, stooped and loved you in an unlovely state, so, too, can His grace awaken within you the desire to stoop and give yourself to another who may be just as unlovely as we all once were.
Suddenly, I am getting the feeling that a few husbands are beginning to feel a little smug as they are reading these pages. And so, for your sake we need to see what God's Word says to the man. Interestingly, He says a lot more to us than He does to our wives, men. Take a look at verse 25 for starters: "Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ also loved the church and gave Himself up for her."
Here's a fresh thought: The wife is told to love her husband so much that she lives for him, but the husband is told to love his wife so much, he would die for her.
The wife is given the analogy of the Savior's life. But the husband is given the analogy of His death. I call that love, men. Each husband is to love his wife enough to die for her.
I can't remember how often, following funerals, I have stood alongside men who have just buried a wife. Almost without exception I've had them fall on my shoulder in tears and say, "Oh, Chuck, why did it take this to stop me and to show me what I had in my wife?"
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Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ also loved the church and gave Himself up for her; that He might sanctify her, having cleansed her by the washing of water with the word, that He might present to Himself the church in all her glory, having no spot or wrinkle or any such thing; but that she should be holy and blameless. So husbands ought also to love their own wives as their own bodies. He who loves his own wife loves himself; for no one ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it, just as Christ also does the church, because we are members of His body. (w. 25-30)
The Husband's Primary Responsibility
As I examine these words addressed to husbands, I find that the primary responsibility of the husband is to love his Lord so deeply and to like himself so completely, he gives himself to his wife without conditions. As I asked you to do before, pause and read that again, more slowly and thoughtfully. Our love is to be without conditions. We need to take the word if out of our vocabulary. "If you will do. . . . If you will say. ... If you will respond, then I will give myself." No, that is not the way our Savior loves us or loves the church. Notice verse 28 once again: "So husbands ought also to love their own wives as their own bodies. He who loves his own wife loves himself."
The next time you wonder if men really love their own bodies, stop by and visit one of the physical fitness clubs. Incredible! There are mirrors everywhere but on the floor . . . and standing in front of them will be men admiring their muscles—really loving themselves. Knowing how true this self-love is for men, Paul uses it as an example of how men should love their wives—no conditions, no reservations. Again, grace is essential, so essential. It doesn't flow easily, however, when there is competition for authority or conditions placed on love.
In a book titled The Pleasers, with the subtitle Women Who Can't Say No — and the Men Who Control Them, Dr. Kevin Leman makes some insightful observations:
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... the cost of marriage is higher for wives than for husbands. If you
are talking about good mental health and psychological well-being, the men have it better every time.
Despite all of their complaints about marriage, more women than men find marriage a source of happiness. They cling to marriage regardless of the cost.
Down through the centuries women have been the pleasers, men the controllers. Robert Karen, who conducts workshops for men and women on power and intimacy, refers to the "old" and "new" systems of male/female relationships. Our parents and grandparents knew a world that had stabler values and much more clearly defined roles for men and women. Power and responsibility were clearly assigned, and everyone knew where he or she stood. The system was often unfair to women but it did offer them a certain amount of security. If a woman was willing to accept the ground rules and the limits that marriage imposed on her, she could be quite happy.
A woman's job was to keep the home, raise the children, and be there for the whole family. The man's man's job was to go out and earn the living and "make contributions to society." Men were, in effect, put on a pedestal and wives were relegated to second-class citizenship.
Enter women's liberation in the latter part of the twentieth century, and all this inequality is supposed to be dying out— but is it?
Women are finding that "having it all" is nothing that special. In fact, they are catching up with the men in having heart disease, ulcers, and other stress-related illnesses. Now they are allowed to get good jobs and earn excellent incomes, but the emotional balance of power at home is still much the same.
Most women still do the giving, while the men continue to take. The woman is the one who is more capable of compassion, support, and being there when needed. Men still aren't in touch with their feelings the way women are. They are less capable of reaching out to make emotional contact. But they are very capable of reaching out to take whatever a woman has to offer, and in so doing, they often take advantage. 3
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Dr. Leman uses a vivid word picture in this book. He calls "pleasers" the moths and "controllers" the flame. Men, be awfully careful in making strong statements regarding submission unless you have really done your homework. More often than not (especially in evangelical circles) such statements are a grand power play. When grace awakens in a husband's heart, he cares for the one God gave him and he becomes increasingly aware of her value, her gifts, and her significance. The grace within him frees him to let her be.
I'm honest when I say, the better acquainted I become with the grace of God, the less I concern myself with authority in our home, and the less threatened I feel. The more I become acquainted with the grace of God, the more I want to model servanthood, the more I desire to affirm and release my wife— the less I want to dominate and control her. Grace loves and serves, it gives and forgives. Grace doesn't keep a record of wrongs and then dangle them over our marriage partner's head. As we have learned in previous chapters, grace gives room— room to grow and to be, to discover and to create. And when there is this kind of grace-awakened love, the man loves his wife as he loves himself and the wife respects her husband, which is exactly as God planned it.
Nevertheless let each individual among you also love his own wife even as himself; and let the wife see to it that she respect her husband. (Eph. 5:33)
When that happens, there is no interest in being intimate with someone else. Jealousy and suspicion are also silenced.
Few grace killers are worse in a marriage than jealousy. I married a couple several years ago whom I shall not soon forget. During the premarital counseling sessions, I detected a strong jealous streak in the young man. I mentioned this to both of them, but they passed it off as not that important. He assured me he "used to struggle a little with it," but no more. Following their honeymoon and the first few months of marriage, they
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returned for some follow-up time—and what a change! Brimming with anger, she blurted out, "This man is so jealous of me, before he leaves for work in the morning he checks the odometer on my car . . . then when he comes home, sometimes even before he comes into the house, he checks it again. If I have driven a few extra miles, he quizzes me during supper. Lacking trust and encouragement, she was dying "slowly, sadly, angrily."
I repeat, the more the grace of God is awakened in a marriage, the less husbands will attempt to control and restrict and the less wives will feel the need to "please no matter what." It makes marriage easier to manage.
• Grace releases and affirms. It doesn't smother.
• Grace values the dignity of individuals. It doesn't destroy.
• Grace supports and encourages. It isn't jealous or suspicious.
I know whereof I speak. For more years than I care to remember, I was consumed with jealousy. I was so insecure and fearful it wasn't uncommon for me to drill Cynthia with questions— petty, probing questions that were little more than veiled accusations. It is amazing she endured it. Finally, we had one of those famous showdown confrontations every married couple has had. No need to repeat it, but she made it painfully clear that I was smothering her, I was imagining things she never even thought of doing . . . and it had to stop. Her words hurt, but she did the right thing. I took her seriously.
I went to work on this ugly side of my life. I confessed my jealousy to Cynthia. I assured her I would never again treat her with such a lack of trust. I asked God for grace to help, for relief from the destructive habit I had formed, for the ability to love and give myself to this woman without all the choking conditions. I distinctly recall how much an understanding of grace helped. It was as if grace were finally "awake" in my life,
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and I could appropriate its power for the first time. It seemed to free me, first in small ways, and finally in major areas. I can honestly say today that I do not entertain a single jealous thought. Grace literally wiped the slate clean.
One final comment before I move on to some concluding thoughts in the chapter. I have found that once Cynthia and I gave grace its proper place in our marriage, the struggles and arguments over submission ceased. It has been years (not an exaggeration) since either one of us has even mentioned the "S" word! I say again, once grace finds its place and brings the freedom only it can bring, a desire to control diminishes and submission is no longer an issue.
Ephesians 5:33 sums up the responsibilities: "Nevertheless let each individual among you also love his own wife even as himself; and let the wife see to it that she respect her husband." The man who genuinely loves his wife finds that he must first have a healthy self-esteem, a strong and secure self-image. It is nothing short of incredible how that opens the gate to let grace flow through his life into his wife's life, which oils all the friction spots. Furthermore, the woman who truly respects her man must first see herself as valuable and significant. As she is given the freedom to grow and become what God meant her to be, her respect for her husband grows.
THE GRACE TO FULFILL DISTINCT ROLES
We live in a day where domestic roles have become blurred. The home reveals the consequences. Many children grow up not knowing the significance of female femininity or male masculinity. Bonding is short-circuited, thanks to the breakdown of marriages, and kids must opt for surrogate parents.
Traditional and dated though his words may seem, the apostle Peter goes to the heart of the issue and offers a couple of principles that still work ... if we will only abide by them. He begins his section on the roles of wives and husbands by
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writing to those wives whose husbands couldn't care less about spiritual things:
In the same way, you wives, be submissive to your own husbands so that even if any of them are disobedient to the word, they may be won without a word by the behavior of their wives, as they observe your chaste and respectful behavior. (1 Pet. 3:1-2)
Amazing! She wins her husband "without a word." How? She lives in such a convincing manner that he cannot help but notice
. Peter selected a wonderful word that is translated "observe." It means "a keen looking into something," as you would watch a replay on a close call in sports. The husband takes careful notice of her winsome behavior and it blows him away. Ultimately, she "wins" him with kindness.
Now, the tendency is to substitute external things for the right kind of attitude and behavior. Peter undoubtedly realized this because he goes on to say, "And let not your adornment be merely external—braiding the hair, and wearing gold jewelry, or putting on dresses" (3:3).
I have heard some use this verse as an opportunity to support their legalistic bias. They say the woman should not have her hair done and she should not wear cosmetics or any form of jewelry. Funny, I have never heard one of them say, "And neither should you put on a dress," even though that is also on the same list. No, this is not a list for legalists to camp on.^The secret is in the word merely. Don't let your adornment be merely external. Don't limit your life to the externals, don't stop there. Don't yield to the tendency to substitute external adornment for internal character.
And that is why verse 4 is so important. It gives us the positive side: "But let it be the hidden person of the heart, with the imperishable quality of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is precious in the sight of God."