by Gerri Hill
That night, after her shower, she crawled naked into bed and only then did she allow herself to think of Kelly. She waited for the shame and guilt to come, but it didn't. What they had done, they had both wanted, and they had both wanted more. Yet Jo was grateful Kelly had not pressed. If she had insisted they leave and come here to her bed, Jo would have agreed without hesitation, and she would have been miserable in the morning. It was not what she needed.
Kelly was not for her, despite what Jo’s body said. The attraction between them was real, genuine, but that was all there was — all there ever could be. Johanna knew she would never be able to let Kelly into her heart. She had been hurt too badly before by someone just like her. She didn't want to go through that again. Ever.
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Chapter Twelve
Sunday was a beautiful fall day, and she spent it with Harry. Instead of their usual brunch, they drove to Fredricksburg, had lunch at an outdoor cafe, then walked the streets of the old German town, window shopping and spying gifts for Christmas. Artists displayed their talents on the sidewalks and spectators paused to appreciate the local talent. As they walked arm-in-arm through the crowded streets, Harry reminisced about the town, how it had grown from a small berg to the touristy bed-and-breakfast town it was today.
Later that afternoon, they drove back to Austin through Johnson City, home of the late president, and stopped at the famous beer joint in Luckenbach for a cold longneck. They 96
sat in the shade of the giant oaks and watched a washer tournament that some of the locals had started.
“Beth and I used to come here and play washers,” Harry mused, a faraway look in his eyes.
Jo watched as young and old alike attempted to toss round, metal washers into cups that were buried in the sand.
“It doesn’t look like a lot of fun,” Jo admitted.
“Well, just a different kind of fun,” he said. “Now, Beth, she had the eye. She could put that washer in the cup every time.” He tapped Jo’s leg and pointed. “Watch.”
A man about Harry’s age turned the washer nervously in his hand as he eyed the cup, nearly twenty feet away.
Then, with a graceful underhanded toss, sent the washer sailing through the air. The small crowd cheered when they heard the washer land in the cup.
They took their time finishing the beer, both of them enjoying the washer game.
"Are you doing okay, Jo-Jo?" Harry asked on the way back.
"I'm fine."
"You’re so quiet lately. Do you need to talk?"
"Oh, Harry.” She laughed. She had always been able to tell him anything. She had cried on his shoulder many a night after Nancy had left.
"You're troubled about something, honey."
"Yes. I guess I am," she admitted.
It was his turn to laugh. "What's her name?"
"What makes you think it's because of a woman?"
"Because I've seen that look before," he said simply.
"Yes. I've met someone."
"And?"
"I like her," she admitted.
"And that's not good?"
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"I don't think I want to like her.” She glanced at him.
"She's not my type."
"If she's not your type, why do you like her?" he asked.
Good question. Why, indeed? Because she’s like Nancy?
Kelly is nothing like Nancy. Except for her reputation, Jo conceded.
"I don't know.” She smiled at him. "I'll be fine, Harry.
Don't worry."
He reached over and patted her leg, then was silent. She loved him for it.
The next day at school, she was dreading running into Kelly. What would she say to her? But she didn’t see Kelly all day.
The next day, at twelve-thirty, a light knock on her closed door startled her. Glancing at the clock, she swallowed, knowing who it was.
"Come in," she called.
Kelly opened the door and stood leaning against the frame, dressed in her familiar jeans and T-shirt. Jo lowered her eyes quickly.
"Lunch?" Kelly asked.
"Oh, no, I don't think so," Jo said, tapping away on the computer.
Kelly was silent until Jo finally stopped and looked at her.
"Are you okay?" Kelly asked quietly.
Jo nodded. "Yes, I'm fine."
"Good.” She looked at her for a moment longer, then smiled mischievously. "I was going to go for Italian. You still do like Italian, don't you?"
Jo laughed and felt some of the tension slip away. "Yes.
I still do," she smiled.
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"Good.” Kelly shoved away from the wall. "Seriously, I'm going to the sandwich shop on the corner. Want me to bring you something?"
"Actually, a tuna on wheat sounds good. Extra mustard."
"Ugh," Kelly said with a grimace and left.
The days got back to normal for them. At least, what Jo perceived to be normal. Neither of them mentioned the night at the bar, and Jo was thankful. Kelly came each day at lunch again. Jo politely refused the lunch date, but often asked her to bring her back something.
One day, Kelly waited at her door while Jo was on the phone with Harry. When she hung up, Kelly was glaring at her.
"Who's Harry?" she demanded. "Do you lead a secret life, or what?"
Jo laughed. "Harry is my grandfather."
"Grandfather? Why do you call him Harry?"
"I don't know.” She shrugged. "I've always called him Harry."
Kelly surprised her by coming into her office, something she rarely did. She pulled out a chair and sat down, casually leaning one ankle across the other knee.
"I just realized how little I know about you. Tell me,"
she insisted.
"Tell you? Tell you what?"
"About you. About your life."
Their eyes met and held, and Jo felt her pulse race unexpectedly. "What do you want to know?" she asked.
"Parents?"
Jo shook her head. "My mother was killed when I was twelve. I never knew my father.”
"So Harry raised you?"
"He and my grandmother."
"Is she still around?"
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Jo shook her head. "No. Beth died two years ago."
"Anybody else?"
"No. Just Harry and me," she said quietly.
"Oh.” Kelly was quiet for a moment, then leaned forward, closer to her desk. "What about your love life?" she asked.
Jo laughed, a blush creeping into her face. "What about it?"
"Do you have discarded girlfriends all over Austin?" she asked seriously.
"Of course not. I only have one ex, and she moved to New York with the woman she was cheating on me with.”
"Oh.” Kelly nodded.
"Oh, what?" Jo asked.
"That explains a lot," she said. "How long were you together?"
"Why are you asking me all this?"
"Because I want to know."
"Four years."
"Lived together?"
"Two."
"In your house?" she asked.
"Yes," Jo nodded.
"In the same bed you have now?"
Jo blushed again. "Yes," she said quietly.
"How long ago?"
"Three years."
"Okay," Kelly said and smiled.
"Are you quite finished?"
"Of course not, but that's enough for now.” She stood up, leaning a hip against Jo's desk, and Jo stared at her, letting her eyes rest for a moment on Kelly’s beautiful brown ones. She had missed looking at them.
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Kelly smiled at her sweetly. "Now, what about lunch?
How long are you going to keep turning me down?"
"As long as it takes."
"I won't keep asking forever," she said.
Jo laughed. "Thank goodness."
"I mean it," she said softly.
Jo met her eyes. "I'm afraid to be alone with you," she admitted.
"
Please don't be. I would never force the issue.” She was serious.
"And that's supposed to make me feel better?"
Kelly laughed, knowing very well what Jo was thinking.
"Anyway, we won't be alone. The restaurant will be crowded with people."
"Like the dance floor?" Jo blurted out, before she could stop herself.
Kelly smiled. "No, not like the dance floor. Not unless you want to dance around the tables."
Jo laughed. "Okay. I'll have lunch with you. But I have a class at two."
Kelly smiled, and Jo noticed how her eyes sparkled. "I'll have you back at one forty-five," she promised.
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Chapter Thirteen
They did not go out to lunch the next week, but Jo did ask Kelly to bring her a sandwich on a couple of occasions.
Johanna had wanted to go, but she thought better of it. Kelly had started coming into her room to visit and during their talks Jo learned more about her, especially about her college days at Stanford.
“So you were a big college jock?” Jo asked around a mouthful of sandwich.
Kelly nodded. “That’s where all my troubles began.”
“Troubles?”
“Women.”
“So many women, so little time?” Jo teased.
“Something like that.” She met Jo’s eyes without flinch-102
ing. “I wasn’t a very nice person back then,” she said sadly.
“I dated . . . a lot.”
“Hundreds?”
Kelly grinned. “I wasn’t that good. But it was just so easy for me. It was like there were groupies following the team around.”
Jo nodded. “I remember. I had a crush on the basketball team. Lindsey Morgan, in particular. I made every game, home and away.”
“I can’t picture you chasing after the basketball team.”
“Well, I didn’t really chase,” Jo admitted. “And I didn’t actually ever sleep with any of them. I just had a huge crush.
I wouldn’t have known what to do, anyway. I was still a virgin,” she confessed without blushing.
“I slept with the gym teacher when I was seventeen,”
Kelly volunteered, and Jo nearly spit out her sandwich.
“You’re joking?”
“It’s not something I’m proud of,” Kelly said. “Of course, in college, it made for a great story.”
Jo leaned back, trying to absorb this.
“I’ve shocked you,” Kelly stated.
“I don’t know why I’m surprised.”
“That was a long time ago, Jo. I suppose we’ve all done things when we were younger that we’d like to take back.”
“I don’t know if you could call twenty-eight young, but I wish I had never gone out with Nancy Stewart,” Jo said.
“Was your relationship really so bad that you wish it hadn’t happened? Surely there were some good times,” Kelly suggested.
“I’m sure there were,” Jo said. “However, her cheating, and then leaving, have pretty much clouded my memory.”
They ate in silence while Jo studied Kelly. There was so much she wanted to ask Kelly, but she was afraid her 103
questions might be perceived as interest on her part. Which it was, of course, but Kelly didn’t need to know that.
“Have you ever been in a long-term relationship?” Jo asked, her curiosity finally getting the best of her.
“Just once.” Kelly lowered her eyes and her voice softened. “That’s really why I left San Francisco.”
“What happened?”
“It’s ironic, really. I had just started working on the book and I was hardly ever at home.”
“You were teaching then?”
“Yes. I could work uninterrupted in my office and that’s where I stayed until late most nights.” She put her sandwich down and folded her arms on the desk. “Kathy thought I was seeing someone. Instead of confronting me, she decided to have her own affair.” Kelly paused, and Jo didn’t miss the pain in her eyes. “With one of our good friends.”
Jo sat quietly, waiting for Kelly to continue.
“I hadn’t been out with any of our friends in months.
I’d been so involved with my book I hadn’t even realized it.
Anyway, she had already convinced them that I was cheating on her. I had very little sympathy.” She tried to smile. “It was a pretty big mess.”
“Why did she just assume you were cheating on her?”
“It was my fault,” Kelly admitted. “I got so involved with the book, I just let everything else in my life go. Not just Kathy. My students, too. I was seldom prepared for my classes.”
“That’s hardly license for someone to go and have an affair.”
“Well, as you so frequently bring up, I had a reputation to contend with. And it was easier for her to think I was seeing someone else. I mean, how do you compete with a computer?”
“So, you’ve always dated? A lot?”
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Kelly’s eyebrows shot up. “You mean, have I always had this nasty reputation?”
“Well, you go out a lot,” Jo said. “Or you did in San Antonio.”
“How do you know?” Kelly demanded.
“Or so I was told,” Jo corrected.
Kelly nodded. “I went out a lot, yes. How else are you going to meet people? That doesn’t mean I slept with them all.” Kelly looked pointedly at Jo. “Do you sleep with everyone you date?”
“I don’t date.”
Their eyes met and held.
“Never?” Kelly asked.
Jo shook her head. “Not since Nancy.”
“Don’t you get lonely?”
Jo shook her head again. “I have a small circle of great friends. I have Harry. I’m perfectly happy,” she said, knowing she was trying to convince herself as much as Kelly.
“Then that night this summer. . . .”
“I don’t really want to talk about that,” Jo said.
She was saved by the phone, and as she talked with one of her students, Kelly cleaned up their lunch, gave her a silent wave good-bye, and left.
On Friday, as they were eating hamburgers and sharing french fries, Jo asked about Kelly’s novel. She thought it was a much safer subject than their dating habits.
"Sheer luck, really. I mean, I think it's good, but there are a lot of books out there that are really, really good. But we'll see. If it's a success, then I'll quit teaching and concentrate on writing full time. If not, I can still teach and write in my spare time."
"Are you writing now?" Jo asked.
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"No, not really. I've got some notes and ideas for another one, but I haven't really started yet. I want to see how this one fares."
"Well, I'm impressed. I hope it does well," Jo said sincerely.
"Thanks. It’ll be out soon, so I’ll force you to read it.”
“Did you write when you were in college? I mean, school newspaper, that sort of thing?”
“Oh, no. Only the nerds did that! I was into sports.”
They both reached for a french fry at the same time, and Jo grabbed one of Kelly’s fingers instead.
“Hungry?” Kelly teased.
“Sorry,” Jo murmured.
“Why don’t we go out for dinner tonight and talk?”
Kelly asked suddenly.
"No, thank you.” Jo sipped her drink, refusing to meet Kelly’s eyes.
"Why not?" Kelly asked.
"Because I don't want to spend time with you, that's why.” Jo put her burger down and looked at her.
"Why not?" she asked again.
"Because I don't want to like you any more than I already do," she confessed.
"Why don't you want to like me?"
Jo frowned at her. "Because it's no good, that's why."
"You're wrong. It was very good, Jo."
"That's not what I mean. This is not just about sex, about this attraction between us," she said quietly. Her door was still open and she hoped no one was outs
ide in the hall.
She wrapped up the rest of her uneaten burger and tossed it in the trash.
"Are you attracted to me?" Kelly asked, eyebrows raised.
Jo didn't answer.
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"Can't you even say it to me?"
"I don't want to get involved with you," she admitted.
"We're already involved," Kelly said. She threw the rest of her burger out, too.
"No, we're not."
"Yes, we are, whether you like it or not."
"Oh, Kelly, please. We're going in circles here.” Jo stood up and walked to the door. "I don't want to have this conversation with you."
Kelly watched her for a moment in silence, then walked to the door, too. "Okay, fair enough. I understand. You're attracted to me but you don't like me. Or you don't like what you think you know about me, is that it?"
Jo saw that Kelly was hurt, but said nothing.
“In case you haven’t noticed, I’m attracted to you, too.
I want us to get to know one another, to see if there’s something here. Jo, this summer. . . .”
“No. Kelly, don’t turn that into something that it’s not.
I had too much to drink, I was. . . .”
“Temporarily insane. Yes, I know.”
Kelly raised her hands in defeat. "I'll leave you alone, Jo. I'm sorry I've been bothering you, but I guess you're right. There's nothing between us after all.” She turned and walked away without looking back.
Jo hated this. She wanted things to remain the same. She liked Kelly’s teasing, her asking her out to lunch, but she didn't want their relationship to progress. She didn't want to be alone with her. Not because she feared Kelly but because she feared herself. She had no defenses where Kelly was concerned. It would be too easy with Kelly. But she just couldn't allow herself to take a chance. Kelly was not for her.
And the sooner they both realized it, the better.
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Chapter Fourteen
Kelly’s invited?” Jo demanded. “I thought you said just a few friends.”
“Will you get over it already?”
“I don’t know what you’re talking about,” Jo murmured, while setting the table.
“Fine. Pretend you don’t,” Betsy told her, standing with her hands on her hips and a very disconcerting look on her face. “Kerry and Shea are coming. Kay is bringing that cute girl she had with her at the bar, Toni. Remember her?”
“She looked so young.”
“Yeah. She’s just out of college, I think.”