Falling for Home

by Jody Holford

  “They’re amazing people. And a really wonderful couple. With extremely excellent and beautiful daughters,” he smiled, kissing her. “You are more than just part of something, Lucy. To me, you’re everything.”

  It was the complete truth, and though he wanted this—a life with Lucy, with everything in him, it scared the hell out of him. If she was everything, would he be nothing if she left? She’s not leaving. To secure himself in the moment, he took her mouth—hard and sure—making sure she felt something. He needed her to feel the way he did.

  She put her camera into its bag and then threw one leg over him, straddling him on the wide, wooden bench that looked like it was an extension of the tree they sat beside. With the water rushing and the sun shining, they were secluded in their own world. He ran his hands up her sides, moved them over her shoulders and down the front of her slowly, watching her eyes heat and her lashes lower. He could feel her skin through the thin material of her tank top. She inhaled sharply when his hands covered her breasts, and he nipped at her ear with his teeth. Her legs tightened around him.

  “You drive me crazy,” he whispered. It was the most intelligible thing he could think to say before her mouth found his and he couldn’t think at all. He’d never had sex outside—other than in a tent, and that didn’t count—but he was trying to figure out how to make that happen when his phone rang. It took her a moment to resurface, to let him ease away, which gave him a surge of satisfaction. His voice was husky and not so steady when he answered.

  “Whitman.”

  She continued to move on his lap and laughed noiselessly at the way he narrowed his eyes, promising payback.

  “I’m on my way…No…I’ll be there shortly.”

  He hung up and the moment, unfortunately, was gone.

  “Is everything okay?” Lucy asked, getting up. Alex stood, pulled her camera bag onto his shoulder, and took her hand.

  “Yeah. Couple of the boys from Franny’s got caught shoplifting at Wal-Mart. I’ve got a better rapport with them than Mick,” Alex said, leading the way out of their secluded spot on the trail. The sun was warmer when they left the cover of trees.

  “At least they didn’t graffiti anything,” Lucy said, attempting a smile.

  “Small blessings.”

  He opened his newly painted passenger door for her, stopping her just before she got in. Winding his hand into her hair, he pulled her in for another kiss that would have to hold him over for the night.

  “I wish you could come to the birthday party tonight,” she told him, winding her arms around his waist.

  “Me, too. Wish Carmen a happy birthday for me,” he said, kissing her forehead and heading to his side of the truck.

  “I signed the card for her present from both of us,” she told him when he got in. She fiddled with his radio as though she needed direct eye contact with it to make it work. He understood that meant something to her, for them. Every little step that Lucy took toward him tied another knot in his heart strings, securing them to her. And while he didn’t mind her pulling every last string and tying an unbreakable bond, he couldn’t help but wonder how he’d ever get the knots undone if she were to leave him.

  “That’s like triple-platinum couple status,” he said, trying to lighten the tension. She laughed and finally met his eyes when he backed out of the spot they’d taken at the foot of the hill.

  “You’ve earned it,” she murmured, taking his hand into hers and squeezing.

  It was very rare for Lucy to be home on someone’s birthday. She never forgot even one, but typically, she would send a gift early enough to arrive and, if she was lucky, managed to Skype on the day. She was elated to be here for Carmen’s sixth birthday. She spent her life trying to capture the true essence of a moment in one photograph. She’d caught many. But she’d missed out on her family’s to catch those moments somewhere else. No more. She was where she wanted—needed to be. She blew up balloons in silver and blue, Carmen’s favorite colors, while her mom hummed under her breath and checked the cake.

  “I’ve reached almost five hundred likes on my Facebook page,” Julie said, pulling the round cake out of the oven. The smell of chocolate made Lucy’s mouth water. She tied the balloon and swatted it toward the living room.

  “Mom, that’s awesome! It’s a great way to connect with your readers. The more you connect with them, the more likely they are to buy your books,” Lucy said, stretching another balloon.

  “Yeah. My agent was quite pleased by my progress. She’s been talking about this social media for a while, telling me I needed to get on board and make some changes. But I was scared to do it. I guess I’m what you call ‘old-school,’” Julie told her.

  “Aw. Yeah, I guess you kind of are. But there’s nothing stopping you from coming into this century. And I’ll help you,” Lucy said, then puffed her cheeks up and wrapped her lips around the end of the balloon.

  “While you’re here,” Julie said. The air deflated from both Lucy’s cheeks and the balloon. Julie looked over her shoulder and met Lucy’s eyes.

  “It’s like not one of you can have a little faith in me,” Lucy said quietly, standing and gathering up the balloons.

  “Oh, honey, I didn’t mean to hurt your feelings. It’s just hard to believe you’ll really stay. But I’m sorry. That was passive aggressive,” Julie said, coming to put a hand on Lucy’s.

  “It was and it seems to run in the family. I’m here. Why do all of you doubt me?” Lucy asked, hating how small her voice was.

  “Sweetie, we don’t doubt you. But you can’t deny you have a track record,” Julie said softly, removing her hand from Lucy’s on the table. Lucy clenched her jaw and shoved balloons back into the bag that was suddenly too small.

  She tossed the bag and the balloons down onto the kitchen table. “Okay. So how long do I have to be here to set a new record? How long until this counts?”

  Julie’s lips tightened. “I didn’t say it doesn’t count. You know we’re happy to have you here. Especially me. But quite honestly, this is a new record. You’ve been moving around since you were eighteen years old and it’s hard to just let that go because you’re back for a couple months. The past doesn’t just fall away, you know.”

  Something inside Lucy snapped. No, it didn’t fall away. It stuck around, hovering until you couldn’t move. Couldn’t breathe. Couldn’t escape it. Despite all the good happening in her life, how happy she felt and how sure she was about Alex and her decision to stay, Lucy couldn’t keep pretending she didn’t know the truth. She’d tried to push it away, bury it, block it out. Hell, she’d run from it for years. But being home had changed Lucy’s knowledge of her mom’s indiscretion from a scar to an open wound.

  “Lucky for you, Dad doesn’t feel the same about judging people based on past actions,” Lucy snapped. Her mother’s face paled beyond possibility. Lucy looked away, refusing to feel guilt. If she were going to continue to be judged for every mistake she’d made, shouldn’t the rest of her family be judged by the same measure? Why could Mark forgive Julie but Lucy couldn’t have the same forgiveness from her family? From her mom? You’re her mistake. That’s why you’ve stayed away.

  Tears burned in the back of Lucy’s eyes, more so since she saw them rimming her mom’s eyes as well. She turned and stomped up the stairs. She had a present to wrap, and she clearly wasn’t needed. They’d handled plenty of birthday preparations without her. Wound up and overwhelmed, Lucy wrapped Carmen’s gift and then lay down on the bed. She closed her eyes, pretending that would make everything better.

  Lucy didn’t scream when she opened her eyes to see similar ones staring into hers, but she came close. Carmen regarded her with a maturity that surpassed a normal six-year-old’s. Lucy could feel her heart thumping against her ribs, but she attempted a smile.

  “Hi. Happy birthday,” she said, her voice groggy. She hadn’t meant to fall asleep.

  “It’s not my actual birthday. That’s on Tuesday,” Carmen replied, still staring
. Lucy stretched and sat up.

  “Well, I guess I should wait until then to give you my gifts,” Lucy teased. Carmen frowned and considered this.

  “No. You can give them to me today because this is the day we are celebrating,” Carmen replied. While sitting, Lucy thought she’d take her chances.

  “That sounds good. So, are you too old for a birthday hug from your aunt?”

  Carmen thought about it. A concerned smile tilted her lips. With a serious expression, she shook her head. Lucy’s heart stuttered and she put her arms around her niece slowly, letting her adjust to the contact.

  Despite the stiffness in Carmen’s arms and embrace, her small hands gripped Lucy’s shoulders. “I’m a very good hugger,” Carmen said.

  Lucy laughed, everything in her lightening. “You most certainly are,” she agreed.

  They went downstairs together, joining the noisy group. Mia was laying on the floor on a blanket, giggling at Kate. It was the sweetest sound. Almost as sweet as the hug Lucy had just received. Her dad was reclined in his chair while Luke and Char sat on the couch. Her mom came in from the kitchen with a tray of cheese and crackers.

  “Oh, good. You got your aunt Lucy up,” Julie said, avoiding Lucy’s gaze. She greeted everyone and sat on the floor. Carmen picked up her book and began to flip pages while Kate tried to make Mia giggle.

  “Mia laughs for me because she thinks I’m funny,” Carmen said without looking up.

  “She’s a wise baby,” Lucy said.

  “Babies can’t be wise. They just copy what we do,” Carmen replied.

  Julie asked Kate to help her with bringing in the gifts, and they spent time watching Carmen open them. After each gift, Char and Luke reminded her to say thank you and to look at the person who gave her the gift when she spoke. Lucy was warmed by the genuine smile that lit Carmen’s face when she opened her National Geographic Book on Sharks.

  “Did you photograph any of these?” she asked.

  “No,” Lucy replied, picking up some of the paper.

  “I still like it.”

  She chuckled, knowing it was high praise. Mia started to fuss, so Char went to make a bottle. Luke asked Kate if she wanted to play cards, and Lucy joined in. Mark and Carmen looked through the book Lucy had given her. Julie puttered back and forth between the kitchen and the living room, obviously happy to have her family all together. Lucy didn’t want to feel bad, but she hoped her mom wasn’t avoiding being in the same room with her. After a while, she came in and sat with Carmen and Mark, looking at the sharks and listening to Carmen’s detailed description of each one. After Kate and Lucy had lost at crazy eights twice to Luke, Julie asked them to clear the table.

  “Time to set the table for the birthday girl’s dinner,” Julie announced.

  While Kate and Lucy set the table, they communicated silently, and Lucy could see the nerves pushing their way to Kate’s surface. Carmen had wanted chicken, potatoes, and blue Jell-O for dinner, and it was a long-standing tradition that the birthday person could have whatever they wanted for their birthday meal. Lucy wondered what she would ask to have for her own birthday.

  “The next big celebration will be your graduation, Kate,” Char said, putting squares of Jell-O on Carmen’s plate without letting it touch any of the other food. Lucy kicked Kate under the table.

  “Ouch,” Kate glared at Lucy, and the two of them earned strange looks from the rest of the family. “Yes. Speaking of which, I’ve decided to take a break before applying for any jobs to become a social worker.”

  Lucy watched her parents’ faces. Her dad frowned slightly but nodded. Julie froze, staring at her youngest. Luke asked for more potatoes.

  “What will you do?” Julie asked.

  Lucy saw Carmen balance her Jell-O on her fork to watch it wobble. Her mother’s eyes never left Kate’s face.

  “I’m going to New York. Lucy has arranged an internship at a prestigious fashion house for me,” Kate said, exhaling loudly as though all the words had been sitting inside of her lungs. Julie set her fork down with a clang.

  “It’s a great opportunity. Do any of you know how incredibly talented she is? How well she can draw?” Lucy said, breaking the silence.

  Carmen piped up, but kept her focus on her food. “I do. She draws with me when she comes to babysit. Right Auntie Kate?”

  Kate smiled gently at Carmen, who kept her eyes on her fork.

  “Why have you never expressed an interest in this before, honey?” Mark asked.

  “It felt like a hobby. Then I saw this ad for an internship, and I just … I don’t know, I wanted it. Badly,” Kate said. She pushed the potatoes around her plate. Luke took a drink and then raised his glass.

  “I think it’s great. I’ve seen some of the dresses she’s drawn with Carmen,” Luke said. “To Kate. To a new adventure and following your heart.” Lucy lifted her glass immediately in a show of support. Carmen raised her fork with Jell-O. Slowly, the others joined in, but Lucy had a feeling the conversation was far from over.

  They sang “Happy Birthday” to Carmen and watched her blow out the candles on her shark-shaped cake. They ate quietly and Kate fidgeted with her fork, with her hair, with her cake. Luke stood and picked up the birthday girl.

  “Char, why don’t you stick around, and I’ll take these monkeys home and get them ready for bed,” Luke suggested. Char leaned in to kiss him and he met her halfway. Lucy, who had her camera on her lap, taking random shots, pressed the button and captured the moment.

  They had been to a couple of information sessions on what was called ABA techniques. According to Char, applied behavior analysis looked at how behavior was influenced by environment. Using strategies, such as positive rewards, they could encourage the behaviors they wanted to see from Carmen. Luke and Char were still uncertain, but they were more united and had an idea of what they needed to do to help their daughter. It eased the pressure in Lucy’s chest to see this.

  The three girls sat in the living room while their parents spoke in the kitchen. It reminded Lucy of the time she and Char had snuck out to a party and Kate had followed them. They hadn’t known she was following until they were already there, and they immediately had to come home. They’d received a long lecture on setting positive examples and thinking through their choices.

  “Why didn’t you tell me?” Char asked. Lucy understood the hurt in her voice. Being blindsided with information hurt. Especially when something was purposely withheld.

  “It wasn’t something I had planned to pursue. It was more like a whim. Until pushy-nosey-pants here read my email and decided to take matters into her own hands,” Kate replied, tossing a pillow at Lucy, who sat on the floor.

  “I was trying to help. To do something for you,” she replied, throwing the pillow onto the couch.

  “Why are we waiting in here for them to scold us? We’re not children. You can go to New York if you want,” Char said, standing and putting her hands on her hips.

  “She can. Likely, she will. But I’m sad that you all feel like you have to go behind our back and make plans that you then just spring on us,” Mark said, startling Char into turning around. Mark and Julie came into the living room together. Char came to sit beside Lucy.

  “We understand that you are not children, Char, but we’re family. We’re a family that depends on each other and genuinely likes each other, so you’ll understand why, when you keep things from us, it’s not only a surprise, but a shock,” Julie said, sitting beside Kate on the couch. Mark sat on the arm of his recliner, close to Char and Lucy.

  “I wasn’t trying to keep it from you, Mom. I really didn’t think this was a possibility,” Kate said, taking her mom’s hand. Julie’s eyes welled up.

  “I just get one back and now another is leaving,” she whispered.

  “Julie,” Mark said, his voice so tender it made Lucy wonder how they had fixed it. How had they moved past the hurt that must have been there? As a child, she couldn’t fathom the details...and she’d s
pent the rest of her life pretending not to know the truth by ignoring it. What had happened all those years ago? Sitting with all of them—her family—the need to know was scratching at her from the inside, leaving deep welts on her heart.

  “You girls can tell us anything. I’m not happy you’re going. I hate when any of you are anywhere but here,” Julie said, staring intently at Lucy. It felt weird not to be the one leaving. “But we can’t be a real family if we don’t face things together—if we hide from each other.”

  Her words were a direct kick to Lucy’s stomach. Lucy lost her breath while inside, her heart hammered. If that’s true, where do I fit? Her mother’s words felt hypocritical. She hadn’t come home to make things worse. She’d come home to heal. But if she was staying, if she wanted to move forward, she couldn’t listen to words like that from her mother and bite her tongue at the same time.

  “I agree. We shouldn’t hide from each other. Or what any of us are facing,” Lucy said, curling her legs under her. She looked at her mother. “You have agoraphobia. You are scared to leave the house.”

  Julie’s face blanched for the second time that evening, and Kate’s hand flew to her mouth in what would have been a comical gesture if there was anything at all funny about it.

  “Jesus, Lucy. There is just no pot you won’t stir, is there?” her dad asked, standing. The anger in his tone surprised her. He went immediately to sit by Julie and take her hand, and for some reason, this sparked her own anger. Char covered Lucy’s hand with her own, and Lucy looked at her older sister, surprised by the gesture. And so overwhelmingly grateful. She needed the boost of strength.

  “Lucy’s right. I’ve been researching it, along with applied behavior analysis therapy,” Char said hoarsely, squeezing Lucy’s hand so tight it sent a shot of pain through her wrist. “Because … Carmen has Asperger syndrome.”