Falling for Home

by Jody Holford

  Tears ran down Char’s face, and Lucy pulled her closer. The others said nothing because they knew. They all knew. And knowing hurt. But it also helped.

  “You’ll be able to help her so much more by facing it,” Lucy said quietly into Char’s ear.

  “I know. But Luke doesn’t want to believe it. He thinks we can just fix her, and I don’t think we can. I think we can only help her,” Char said around her sniffling.

  “We will all do whatever we can to support you,” Julie said. Lucy looked at her mom.

  “Same goes for you, Mom. You’ve trapped yourself in this house. It’s silly for us to ignore that. You need help.” Lucy said gently but unwaveringly.

  “You are not here to fix everything, Lucy. Not everything has to be fixed. You cannot come home, stir everything up, and then fly off to some unknown destination again while all of us deal with the fallout.” Mark stood and moved toward the window, his hands clenched. Their dad rarely lost his temper. She wasn’t trying to hurt him. She’d never do anything to upset any of them on purpose. But she was suffering too.

  “I am so tired of all of you ignoring the obvious fact that I’m staying. So what? I traveled for some years after high school. Not one of you recognize my talent, my accomplishments. I’m an award-winning photographer. I’ve done good things. But instead of saying anything about that, all of you throw the fact that I’ve left in my face every goddamn opportunity you get,” Lucy growled, pulling out of Char’s embrace and standing. She stalked over to her dad. “The worst part is, you don’t even realize I did it for you! So you wouldn’t have to look at me every fucking day and face the truth..”

  Lucy’s dad whirled and faced her, utter shock replacing any anger he held. She didn’t expect the sob that escaped her throat, but in truth, it had been lying in wait. Julie jumped to her feet.

  “Do not swear at your father, Lucy! What has gotten into you?” Julie yelled.

  “He’s not my real father,” Lucy raged back. “And I’ve spent ten years running from that. Eighteen knowing it. So don’t tell me what to do, Mom. Don’t tell me about being here for each other and supporting each other and being truthful. Not unless you actually plan to follow through.”

  Lucy glanced at Kate and saw that her eyes were wide with shock. Char’s mouth literally hung open a bit as she looked back and forth between her parents and Lucy. Julie’s face crumbled, and she covered it with her hands, silencing the tears Lucy knew fell.

  “This,” Lucy whispered, backing up slowly. “This is why I’ve stayed away. Because I didn’t know how to pretend. I’m sorry.” She looked at her dad. He stood still, staring at her, and Lucy lost any chance at composure when tears slipped down his masculine cheeks. Lucy wasn’t sure if any of them heard her say she was sorry again. The sound of her heart breaking might have interfered. She ran from the room, grabbing her purse from the hook by the door. Running is what she did best. Only this time, she had somewhere to go.

  Chapter 20

  ag·o·ra·pho·bi·a [ag-or-uh-foh-bee-uh]

  [noun] Psychiatry.

  an abnormal fear of being in crowds, public places, or open areas, sometimes accompanied by anxiety attacks.

  * * *

  Lucy stared at the definition on her iPad screen from her cozy position on Alex’s couch. The shades were drawn, she had a fleece blanket she’d found in his linen closet wrapped around her, a cat at her feet, and a box of Kleenex by her side. She wasn’t wrong. The definition jumped out at her from the screen. If she wanted to, she could press the speaker icon and listen to the voice sound out the word. She didn’t need to, though. She knew how the word felt on her lips and in her heart. At the moment, she even understood how it could happen. The absence of crowds, the public, and open areas were comforts to Lucy right now in the cocoon she’d created for herself in Alex’s dimly lit living room.

  She had called him, tears making her words difficult to understand. He’d apologized for not being able to come to her, to come home. He told her to stay, like he still thought she had the option to leave. Furball meowed and looked up at her. She leaned to stroke his soft fur. Yes, she could stay here in Alex’s house and never leave. Or so she told herself. But she knew that she’d crave the outside world soon enough. Which was what surprised her about her mother.

  Julie Aarons was a force. A beautiful whirlwind that made others laugh and feel good about themselves. She could charm any man or woman and give them advice at the same time. Lucy had watched her mother at book signings, seen her speak at conferences and give workshops to aspiring non-fiction writers. Trying to figure out how that had changed was giving Lucy a headache.

  She threw off the fleece, put her iPad aside, and ignored Furball’s irritated protest over her movement. She needed water. And possibly chocolate. Copious amounts of chocolate. Did Alex keep chocolate in his house? If not, she was going to see that he started. Her phone rang on the way to the kitchen. She answered when she saw it was Kael.

  “Hey. How are you?” she answered, rooting through Alex’s cupboard.

  “I’m good. Really good. Busier than hell, though,” Kael said.

  “Hell probably is a pretty busy place,” Lucy considered. She found several chocolate bars in one of his cupboards and mentally reminded herself to kiss Alex for being such a good man.

  “I bet it is. Filled mostly with New Yorkers,” Kael said, laughing loudly. “I need your help, hoapili.”

  Lucy smiled into the phone. She loved when he used Hawaiian terms of endearment. Another contradiction to who he seemed to be on the outside.

  “Tell me,” she said, unwrapping a Kit Kat bar and breaking it along its lines.

  “Delilah had an intern in mind. When I said I had found one, she blew her lid,” Kael said. Lucy bit into the rectangle of chocolatey wafer and held back vocalizing how much she enjoyed it. It wasn’t a surprise that Delilah Montgomery blew her lid. It was only surprising that she still had a lid to blow. With multiple plastic surgeries to perfect her Barbie look, it was amazing she could even show expression. Nobody lost their temper like Delilah. She was both feared and revered in the fashion industry.

  “So? What else is new?” Lucy asked, grabbing another piece and thinking milk would go wonderfully with the rest of the bar.

  “We made a deal. There’s a huge shoot coming up. We’re getting all of the Oscar nominees for best actress in the last five years. In one room. It’s the spread of a lifetime. She hasn’t selected a photographer because she wants perfection. She wants you. I said that I could get you,” he confessed. Lucy choked on the chocolate she’d swallowed too quickly. Kael waited patiently for her to finish coughing.

  “What? Are you nuts? One, I don’t do those kinds of shoots anymore. Two, that’s a huge job, and my last assignment was in a tiny African village shooting tribal life. And I got fired!”

  “It doesn’t matter what your last shoot was, Lucy. She doesn’t care, so I didn’t even bring it up. And what do you shoot now? Birthdays and weddings?” Kael asked, his voice more panicked than angry.

  “Actually, townspeople and nature, mostly, but I would love to do a wedding. My wants have changed. I don’t need to be in the center of it all anymore, Kael. I don’t need to be far away to do what I love.”

  “Okay, well, if you want the sister you love to get the internship, I need to deliver on my promise to D-Day or she’s calling her niece twice removed. What does that even mean?”

  Lucy’s stomach churned. The milk no longer seemed like a good idea.

  “Dammit, Kael. You should have asked me first.”

  “I’m asking you now. Come on. It’s a week. All expenses paid, I’ll make her foot the bill for a luxury hotel. It’s within a couple of weeks.”

  Lucy’s mind twisted and twirled with details and timing. Kate would be done with school. She could help her get settled. It was a week. A finite amount of time. The exact opposite of what she had always looked for in a job. But the only reason she was able to accept this one.
<
br />   “Okay. For Kate. And for you. Because I love you both. But it better be a kick ass hotel. Downtown. And I’m going to try to convince Alex to come with me.”

  “Oooh, someone’s got it bad. I want to meet him. Don’t tell him I’m nice until after I interrogate him. Let me have some fun,” Kael said, laughing that enormous laugh that suited him perfectly.

  They talked for a couple more minutes and ended the conversation with Kael promising to get back to her with flight details. He would see that Kate’s details were taken care of as well. It would be nice to have some money go into her bank account. Not that she was anywhere near trouble, but she hadn’t been paid for any of the work she was doing in Angel’s Lake. Everything had been in exchange for work or money for the center. Which was nearly done. Funny how, when she’d arrived, she hadn’t thought she’d see the end of the project. She’d thought she’d be long gone. Her laugh echoed in the quiet house as she headed for Alex’s bedroom. She was long gone, alright. Just not in the way she expected.

  Alex stood on the paved walkway looking at the Aarons’ house. The kitchen light was on. It was late, and he should just head into his own house, where he knew Lucy would be curled up on her side, in his bed, with the cat not far away. She had been so sad when he’d phoned to say hi, and he couldn’t make out most of what she was saying. It stripped him raw to hear her hurting and not be able to go to her and comfort her. It also fueled every protective instinct he had, which left him standing on the walkway, wondering if he should speak to her parents. He sighed heavily, wearily, and turned back toward his house. The porch light turned on just as he made it to his stairs. Mark came out into the darkness and Alex waited.

  “Another late night,” Mark commented. He had on a U of M sweater and a pair of track pants. Alex couldn’t make out his expression in the dark.

  “Yeah. Some kids were shoplifting, among other things. Another day at the office,” Alex said rigidly. He didn’t know what the fight had been about, but he sided with Lucy, regardless.

  “My girl was pretty upset when she went running to your house.”

  “I know. I called her to say hi and couldn’t make out much of what she said through the tears,” Alex said, unable to keep the condemnation out of his voice.

  “She has every reason to be upset. I’ll let her tell you what she wants you to know. But when she’s done crying—when she breathes long enough to listen—can you do me a favor?”

  “Maybe.”

  Mark rocked back and forth on his heels and nodded his head.

  “I like that you’re looking after her. Just let her know that there isn’t anything that could change how much I love her,” Mark said, his voice cracking. Alex wondered what the hell had happened in the Aarons’ household that night.

  “Sounds like something you should tell her,” Alex commented.

  “And I will. Every single chance I get. But she won’t be ready to hear it from me for a while. She’ll hear you. Because she loves you.” Mark looked up at the night sky then back at Alex. “She loves you.”

  “And I love her,” Alex said, in case there was any doubt.

  “I know you do, son. Otherwise, I wouldn’t trust you to relay words that matter so much.”

  Alex nodded and watched as Mark went back into his house. The porch light went out and he went to find Lucy—to see what the hell she had faced that night without him.

  She wasn’t curled in his bed as he’d thought she would be. She was curled on his couch, tucked into one corner with a blanket thrown over her and the cat at her feet. His heart twisted and he realized that every time she was there, he breathed a sigh of relief. He wanted her there. Always. He unloaded his weapon and put it away. He debated taking a shower, but instead changed out of his clothes and put on some lounge pants and a T-shirt. She mumbled when he put his arms under her to lift her.

  “Alex,” she said, her eyes snapping open when he stood up with her.

  “Nope. Prince Charming.”

  “Hmm. Pretty close.”

  Alex snorted and shook his head. He carried her to his bedroom and laid her on the bed. When he moved to extract himself, she clung to his neck.

  “I was going to go shower, Sleeping Beauty,” he whispered, kissing the tip of her nose. She threw her leg up to pull him into her and knocked him off balance.

  “Oops. You fell. You must be really tired,” she said, her arms still like a vice around him.

  “Either that or I’m really clumsy,” Alex said, laughing and smoothing her hair away from her face. Her eyes fluttered open and shut, and finally, locked steadily on his.

  “I’m a tornado,” she whispered, her eyes welling up.

  “What are you talking about, sweetheart?”

  “I came in unexpectedly, stirred up all the bad, and left nothing but devastation,” she told him. The strings of his heart tightened. Another knot.

  He scooped her up again and then settled himself on the bed so he could have her on top of him while he soothed her and dried her tears. She told him about their dinner. About their fights. About their truths—her truth. She undid him completely when she dried her tears and took a few deep breaths to steady herself.

  “I’m the one that doesn’t belong. I’m not like the rest of them, Alex.”

  “That’s just not true, Luce. Your family loves you. Blood is about the least important element of truly being a family. Sharing all of the same DNA does not guarantee that a person will always be there for you. That you can count on someone. That there will always be a home for you to come to. There’s nothing that could make you any less to them. Your dad loves you so much and doesn’t see himself as anything other than your dad.”

  She nodded her head as if she were trying to believe him—wanted to believe him—but she nestled her face in the crook of his neck, and he felt her body shake with more tears. He held her tight, hoping to take some of the pain—absorb it somehow so she didn’t hurt so much.

  “The thing is, I’m a reminder of what must have been the worst part of their marriage, Alex. She cheated on him. I can’t even comprehend that, never mind the fact that she got pregnant with me and he forgave her. How can he not resent me?” Lucy asked through her tears. Alex let her cry, stroked her hair, and passed her Kleenex. When it seemed like she couldn’t speak, he went to get her some water. Handing it to her, he sat beside her.

  “Maybe you’re looking at it wrong,” he said, watching while she gulped the water like she’d been in a desert. She handed the glass to him and tilted her head.

  “How is that possible? What is the right way to see adultery and deception?”

  “What if you’re what saved them?” Alex asked. She stared at him blankly.

  He leaned against his headboard and pulled her astride him. He held her hands in his and kissed them before he continued.

  “I’ve seen your parents together. There’s no faking that kind of love, that kind of commitment and connection. I don’t know what happened twenty-eight years ago, but obviously, something did. But you aren’t what cracked that foundation, sweetheart. I think you may have been what repaired it. Raising you. Loving you. Whatever tore them apart, it’s possible that you stitched them back together.”

  She was looking at him with so much hope and surprise, he hoped to God that what he’d said had a chance of being true. Lucy Aarons would not be able to stomach being the cause of someone’s grief. He knew that and so much more about her. She’d stayed away ten long years to make sure that her very presence didn’t cause upset. She would rather bear that burden than watch those she loved suffer. It was one more reason he absolutely adored her, but it also reminded him how much she needed to know she was loved, believed, and needed. She needed to know that, regardless of anything else, she belonged. And she did. With him. And he would prove it to her. He already had a few ideas of just how to do that.

  For now, he whispered to her softly, telling her he loved her. He laid her down on her back and placed kisses along her delicate,
soft skin. He ran his fingertips along her, trailing repeatedly over the spots that made her shiver. He traced his tongue and mouth along the path his fingers had taken. He told her he needed her and that he always would. He breathed in every sigh and swallowed every gasp. He stared into her eyes as he hovered over her until she was pulling him down to her, into her, so there was nothing between them. Until they were completely and utterly connected. Every last heartstring tied together. Knotted.

  Chapter 21

  The real benefit of traveling—Lucy figured out over the next couple of days—was not being around during or after family arguments. The Aarons had had their share over the years. Char wanted a tattoo at fifteen. Kate had spent a week during sixth grade refusing to go to school because she’d gotten a bad perm. Then there was the prom that Lucy chose not to attend, which apparently embarrassed her whole family. She could laugh about petty arguments, or even the odd blow up, from the other side of the globe. But from across the yard, it was much harder to throw herself into her work, keep her head down, and pretend nothing was wrong.

  Her dad had taken to weeding the stone pathway that separated the yards. Very slowly. She looked out the window a few times and saw him watching the house. Of course, her mother wasn’t going to come over. Kate and Char had texted and asked if she was okay, but since the answer was no and the question was stupid, she didn’t reply.

  “You could go out there, you know,” Alex said from behind her. He wound his arms around her waist and kissed the side of her neck. She was looking out the dining room window to the area her dad was now weeding.

  “And say what? Sorry I blurted everything out? Sorry I called my mom a freak, caused a big fight? Oh, and thanks for raising me when I’m not yours?” Lucy asked. Alex chuckled and she whirled on him. “How is this funny?”