Secrets of My Heart

by Tracie Peterson

  “I don’t seek to belittle but to properly berate,” Bedelia said with a stern nod. “A tradition of evil is hardly an excuse to continue evil.”

  Nancy put aside her cup. “I agree. I do not want slavery for any man or woman. I was merely extending grace to Mrs. Weaver. She was good enough to join us tonight. This being her first time to spend the evening with us, she was quite gracious to share stories of her life. I don’t want her to feel put upon.”

  The old woman adjusted her cap, then picked up her cup and saucer. “Many of the household slaves were dear to me. I was nurtured and cared for by my mother—a dear woman who hated slavery. But I was also tended by Mama Abigail, a wonderful black woman who had also raised my papa.” She fixed Bedelia with a frown. “It was not an easy situation simply to cast aside slaves. Before they married, my mother made my father promise he would set them free as soon as possible. When I married, there were less than half the number that had worked for us when I was born.”

  “Had they been sold or actually freed?” Bedelia demanded.

  “Father freed them. When they were ready to leave, he gave each person twenty dollars in gold and their papers. Sadly, many returned because they had spent their money and yet found no employment in which to earn more.” Mrs. Weaver dabbed her lacy handkerchief to her eyes. “I’m so sorry. Those days and the loss of my husband and family still bring me great sadness.”

  Nancy thought she might have to intercede, but to her surprise Bedelia softened her tone. “Nonsense. We are honored to have you here and for you to tell us your story, despite not having spent much time getting to know us. That could not have been easy for you, and we commend you for it.”

  Mrs. Weaver looked at Nancy in surprise. She looked as though she might say something, but Bedelia was already changing the subject.

  “Sister and I wondered, Mrs. Pritchard, if we might cook for you on the Fourth of July. We realize there are picnics and parties going on and that perhaps you intend to partake in the celebrations. We have no such plans and would like to offer our help so that you may be free to do as you choose. I presume Mrs. Weaver will be here as well.” She waited for Mrs. Weaver to acknowledge this. When the old woman nodded, Bedelia continued. “We would be happy to prepare meals for anyone who needs them that day, and this would give you time to enjoy the festivities.”

  Nancy was touched that Bedelia would extend such an invitation. Normally she would have shied away from anyone else working in her kitchen, but she smiled. “I would be honored. Thank you.”

  Bedelia gave a hint of a smile and nodded. “We shall keep to your schedule with breakfast at six.”

  Nancy shrugged. “I am not opposed to sleeping late on the Fourth of July.”

  The front door opened, and Clementine and Mimi entered the house with Seth. Nancy hadn’t realized Seth would be joining them and suddenly felt self-conscious.

  Mrs. Weaver seemed shaken by the appearance of a man and quickly got to her feet. “If you’ll excuse me, I must retire.” She hurried past the ladies and Seth, giving a little nod to them as she headed up the stairs.

  “I hope we didn’t cause trouble,” Clementine said, staring after the old woman. “Had she been here long?”

  Nancy collected Mrs. Weaver’s cup and saucer along with her own. “She came down to join us shortly after we gathered. It was quite a surprise.”

  Bedelia took a cookie from the serving platter. “Indeed. She even shared stories about her youth and adult life in the South.”

  “Her people kept slaves,” Cornelia said, following her sister’s comment with an air of authority.

  “But we decided that was no fault of hers,” Bedelia added with a raised brow. “Didn’t we?”

  Cornelia gave multiple tiny bobs of her head and said nothing more.

  “She’s a very interesting woman,” Nancy said, heading toward the kitchen with the dirty teacups. “Would you ladies care for tea? Seth, I can make coffee as well.”

  “No, we’ve had refreshments enough,” Clementine replied. “Seth wanted to come in, however, to ask you about the Fourth of July.”

  Nancy was already in the dining room and called back. “I can’t hear you. Come to the kitchen. We can speak there.”

  She was surprised when Seth rather than Clementine appeared. “My sister was trying to ask if you would like to accompany me to the Fourth of July festivities.”

  He ran his fingers through his auburn hair, combing it into order. He was far more handsome than she remembered from their time in Oregon City. In their youth he had seemed gangly and awkward, just as Gabe had. Seth had been charming enough but never what she considered handsome, what with his fair skin and freckles. Now his complexion had evened out and the freckles were less noticeable. His face had filled out in a most attractive way, and he all but took her breath away with his casual smile and cornflower blue eyes.

  “What are you thinking?” he asked her, cocking his head. “I’d swear you were planning something.”

  Nancy coughed and turned away. “I was simply remembering something from when we were children. Now, what did you want to talk about?”

  “The Fourth of July. Clementine suggested we make a foursome for the day. Gabe will still be in town, and she thought it might be fun for all of us to spend the day together. We can start in the morning and attend some of the festivities and then share a picnic and listen to some of the orators. In the evening we can go to the dance. It will be a great deal of fun. Please say you will.”

  “I’ve been a widow for barely four months. What will people say?” Nancy really didn’t care, but she didn’t want to appear too eager. She hurried to busy herself with the dishes.

  “That’s the joy of a large and growing town. No one will know or care. Your friends will be delighted to see you enjoying yourself, and strangers won’t know your situation.” He stepped to her side and gently turned her to face him. “Besides, the ladies of the house seem anxious that you be back among the living. Please say you will.”

  “All right. I will.” She held up the cup still in her hands. “But between now and then I must wash my dishes.”

  “I can help.”

  “No. I wouldn’t hear of it. Go enjoy yourself with the ladies.”

  “You’re the only lady I want to enjoy myself with.”

  His words hit her in an unexpected way. What was he saying? Nancy couldn’t bring herself to lift her face and meet his gaze. “I, ah . . .” She shook her head and put the cup in the sink. Why did she suddenly feel so weak in the knees? “I have work to do, and you should go.”

  “I will look forward to spending all day with you on the Fourth. In the meantime, you should know that John and I have closely examined all the books and papers you brought to us. It seems that financially you are solid and have no need to concern yourself with the future, but there are some debts to pay.”

  “Albert didn’t believe in owing anyone. I find it hard to believe he had debts.”

  “We still haven’t figured out whom the IOUs are owed to. There wasn’t a name, just the amounts and dates. The way the paper was prepared looked rushed and haphazard, but it appears that whoever made the deal has the other half of the paper. No doubt he will present himself in time with his proof, and then we’ll pay him.”

  “Gerome implied that Albert owed him, though it surprised me. You should speak with him.”

  “I will. Fear not.” Seth smiled. “You’re going to be fine, Nancy. Don’t worry about anything. I intend to see you protected and taken care of. Of course, we desperately need to figure out more about the weapons and whiskey. It makes little sense that your husband felt he had to hide such things.”

  Nancy felt the blood drain from her face. She couldn’t forget Mr. Hanson’s threat to expose Albert’s schemes to put guns and whiskey in the hands of the Indians. Worse still, to tell everyone that she was a part of it. What would happen if Seth found out about those things and believed Hanson?

  Perhaps the time had come
to confess what she knew. To tell Seth everything, even about the river journal and maps. After all, she’d had no time to go and investigate for herself.

  Looking at Seth’s sweet expression, Nancy wanted to believe that she could trust him. There was really no reason not to, but something inside her reared up and told her to remain silent. If she could figure it out on her own, then maybe she could take everything to the authorities at once and, in doing so, prove her innocence before anyone could accuse her.

  “You look almost green. Are you all right?” Seth asked, taking a step toward her.

  “I’m fine.” Nancy put out a hand. “I’m fine, truly. Just tired. I should finish here and go to bed.”

  He watched her for a moment. “Nancy, if there is something I can do to help you more than I’m already doing, you need to let me know. Is that Mr. Hanson bothering you again? Berkshire?”

  “No. No. I’ve seen nothing of Mr. Hanson.” She waved him off. “Leave me be so I can finish my work. Morning comes faster and faster these days, and I have a great deal to accomplish before I can go to bed.”

  She heard him move away and relaxed a bit as she put soap and hot water in the sink. But then she felt Seth’s hands on her shoulders and nearly jumped into the air as she twisted to face him.

  “I don’t know why you’re so fearful,” he said, “but I meant what I said. I care about you, Nancy. And not just because of our youth. I want to be your friend.”

  They were much too close. His lips were just inches away from hers, and the fading scent of his cologne was intoxicating. For a moment Nancy gazed into his eyes and willed herself just to enjoy the moment. Perhaps Seth was the one man with whom she could have a future. Perhaps she could find true love with him. He said he wanted to be her friend—could he want to be more?

  “Seth?” Clementine called as she approached the kitchen.

  Nancy turned back to the dishes, banishing thoughts of a love life. The last thing she wanted was to give the household ladies fuel to stir the fires of matchmaking.

  “I’m here,” he said, stepping away. “I was just concluding our plans for the Fourth. Nancy has agreed to come.”

  “I’m so glad,” Clementine replied, entering the kitchen. “I have enjoyed rekindling our friendship.”

  Nancy glanced over her shoulder. “I have, too, although I fear we’ve both been too busy to give it the time it deserves.”

  “Then we will make up for it on the Fourth,” Clementine said, smiling first at Nancy and then her brother. “I’m off to bed, brother of mine.”

  “Yes, and I’m headed back to my apartment. Gabe will probably be wondering where I am.”

  Nancy dried her hands on a dish towel. “I didn’t know he was staying with you.”

  “Well, he could hardly stay here with you and all your ladies,” Seth said, laughing. “And I couldn’t let him spend money at a hotel when I had a perfectly good extra bed. Besides, we’ve had a lot to catch up on.”

  “Come along, then, brother. I’ll see you out.” Clementine took Seth’s arm and pulled him from the room.

  “I’ll see you on the Fourth,” he called to Nancy over his shoulder.

  She had wanted to walk him to the door herself, but since Clementine had volunteered, there was nothing else to be done. Nancy stood for a moment longer staring at the doorway before forcing herself back to the task of washing the dishes. She still felt weak in the knees from Seth’s nearness and soft words. Could she have a future with him?

  Chapter 13

  Fourth of July dawned cloudy and overcast, causing Nancy to worry that it might rain all day. However, the rain held off, and some of the clouds moved eastward, leaving everyone in a festive mood.

  Nancy dressed in a burgundy and black dress. It wasn’t exactly mourning attire but was subdued enough that if she ran into anyone who knew her situation, it would pass muster. She was glad that Gabe was to be her escort. It was harder to condemn a woman stepping out with her brother rather than a beau. But when Seth and Gabe arrived, Nancy was surprised to find her brother eagerly taking Clementine’s arm and leaving Seth to accompany her.

  “You look lovely,” Seth told her as they started down the porch stairs. “Did you sleep well?”

  With the other couple walking several feet ahead of them, Nancy couldn’t help but think that Bedelia Clifton would never approve.

  “Nancy?”

  She looked up. “Yes?”

  “I asked if you slept well, but you appear to be lost in thought. Is something wrong?”

  “I thought Gabe was to be my escort.”

  Seth looked wounded. “Do you have something against me?”

  “Of course not, but as we discussed before, I am a new widow.”

  “Nancy, you’ve never struck me as someone willing to live a lie, and yet after eight years of marriage to a man you clearly didn’t love, you’re perpetuating exactly that by continuing to pretend you cared for him.”

  “I did care for him. How dare you say I didn’t.” She hadn’t meant to snap. “I’m sorry. But I did care for Albert, at least to a degree. I never wished him dead. If anything, I wished him more alive. More loving.” She hadn’t meant to speak that last part aloud and quickly looked away.

  “But you shouldn’t have to go about in sackcloth and ashes. He’s gone, but you’re still here—alive and young. I don’t think God has in mind for you to sit at home wearing black.”

  “How would you know what God has in mind for me?”

  He grinned. “Well, I think it involves me.”

  Nancy threw him a sidelong glance. “Of course you do. Men always think they know what God has planned when it involves a woman. I have barely come to accept that God loves me and that I owe Him my trust and allegiance, but you already know my future.”

  Seth took her arm. “Don’t be that way. I don’t know everything about the future, nor do I mean to suggest I do. Let’s just enjoy the day and see where it takes us. We’re celebrating our Independence Day. Maybe you should look at it as a celebration of your own independence. You have been set free from a loveless marriage and the sadness of one lonely night after another.”

  Nancy stiffened. She’d never said anything to him about being lonely. Had she? She searched through their former conversations and remembered the night they’d gone to supper and then a play. She had told him. The memory made her cringe.

  Up ahead, Clementine laughed heartily at something Gabe was saying and then began to gesture with her hands as she told him something in return. His roar of laughter left little doubt that they were enjoying their conversation together. Why was it that Nancy couldn’t do likewise?

  As they neared the park, band music could be heard. It sounded like a polka song, with the tuba blasting out an oom-pa-pa to a steady beat. Polka music was something new to the area thanks to the influx of Polish and Czech immigrants. Nancy had gone to a presentation and lecture on Polish culture the year before. It was there she had first heard and rather liked the festive music.

  The crowds thickened as the foursome drew closer to the large park. Food vendors offered a wonderful assortment of foods, including some of the kolaczki pastries Nancy had sampled the year before. The filling was a mixed berry compote, and she had never tasted anything quite so good. Perhaps she could get the recipe this time. Just beyond the food carts, a group of costumed dancers were demonstrating the polka to the lively music provided by a small band. People were clapping in time and seemed completely caught up in the celebration.

  “What would you ladies like to do first?” Gabe asked, calling back to Nancy and Seth.

  “I’m content to walk around.” Nancy could see that there were plenty of attractions. Besides the food vendors, there were others who were selling handmade items, and there were also magicians, musicians, and singers. Across the park, Nancy could even see a man running several dogs through a series of tricks, to the delight of a dozen or more children.

  “That’s fine with me,” Seth replied.


  Nancy felt him take a possessive hold on her arm and then noticed Gerome Berkshire approaching. The mustached man frowned as he gave Seth a once-over. She did nothing to alter his displeasure. If anything, she leaned a little closer to Seth. She didn’t like the way Gerome made her feel. There was something odd about him that made her feel vulnerable and exposed. He had tried very hard to woo her, begging her to let him court her, but Nancy had no desire to agree. There was something foreboding about Gerome Berkshire, and the longer she knew him, the stronger that feeling came across.

  “Well, I must say I didn’t expect to see you here at the celebrations, Mrs. Pritchard. Weren’t you just telling me it was much too early for you to be out publicly? That was your response to my invitation to today’s festivities.”

  Gabe and Clementine quickly joined them. Gabe had apparently heard Berkshire’s comment, because he spoke before Seth or Nancy had a chance.

  “Is there a problem here? I believe my sister has the right to go out with her brother and family friends.”

  Gerome smirked. “Of course she does. I’ve been trying to convince her of that for weeks. A beautiful young woman needn’t adhere to social conventions. Especially here in the West, where single women are harder to come by. There will be many a man happy to partner with you for dances and meals. Myself included.”

  “Well, I’m hardly in search of a partner, since I have my brother and friend at my side,” Nancy said.

  “Even so, perhaps you would consider allowing me to escort you to the luncheon where I am to speak. It would be my honor to have you there.”

  “I’m afraid that might give the wrong impression,” Gabe declared. “You’ll have to find someone else.”

  Gerome gave him a blank look, then glanced at Clementine.

  Gabe put his arm around her shoulders and shook his head. “She’s also spoken for.”