Banish Your Inner Critic

by Denise Jacobs

  The problem comes when shaming is not followed up with the messages of love and support that tell us that we’re okay, that we’re inherently good, and that our caregivers or instructors believe in us. In the absence of encouraging messages to counterbalance shaming ones, we start to feel that we are nothing but our mistakes.12 Being criticized makes us feel shame because we fear that we brought on the criticism – or even worse treatment – because we made some kind of gross error and didn’t live up to the expectations of caregivers, a group, or a social context; or that maybe that there is something intrinsically wrong with us.

  These fears trigger our fear of rejection, and as you’ll recall from the previous chapter, because of our deep need to belong, we are particularly sensitive to any indications of rejection. As our ancient limbic fight-or-flight response is triggered both by tone of voice and angry faces,13 criticism registers as potential for rejection and thus as a threat to self. In a similar way to what happens when we perceive ourselves to be judged by others, when we are criticized, the threat to the Inner Critic’s self protection system kicks it into gear. To proactively prevent us from getting caught unawares by future external criticism and being rejected, the Inner Critic establishes expectations, issues commands, and even attempts to define and reshape our identities in order to alter or inhibit our actions.14 How? The Inner Critic adjusts our internal self-talk to mimic the criticisms we’ve received. In other words, as a protection mechanism, we internalize criticisms and become self-critical.

  Because of the intensity of the memory of past criticisms, much like a watchful parent, the Inner Critic doesn’t trust the self to know how to behave without the intervention of its guidance. To keep us on our toes and alert to potential errors, the Inner Critic begins to proactively criticize the parts of the self that it fears won’t be accepted by peers, authorities, and society in general. Following the leads of caregivers, the Inner Critic amasses all of the criticisms and negative comments that we’ve heard over the course of our lives and uses them to generate a steady stream of coercive shaming inner self-talk in an attempt to shield us from potential humiliation. Messages such as, “If you don’t work harder / come up with better ideas / become wildly successful, no one will love you” become standard to push us to continually improve performance and strive to achieve to high, frequently unreasonable, standards that we have taken on from others. This is the essence of High Self-Criticism: self-shaming to get ourselves to behave in a way that meets high expectations in order to proactively protect ourselves.

  The problem is that the Inner Critic is a little too good at what it does. Because we’ve so deeply internalized the criticisms from others and made them our own, we lose our awareness of them. Lacking a sense of our true nature and the fullness of our potential, we unknowingly try to force ourselves into the constraints of external expectations. Our internalized criticisms from others become the source of most of the “shoulds,” “musts,” and “oughts” that fuel these imperative cognitive distortions. As we grow older, these mistaken beliefs shape both how we see ourselves and what we’re capable of, and they become an intrinsic part of who we believe we are. Furthermore, we can’t see how much they are controlling our thinking and behavior. When we are highly self-critical, the Inner Critic underlies our motivations, and thus is largely in control of driving our actions. But here’s the kicker: as children, we may “internalize and exaggerate the expectations of parents, peers, or society.”15 Exaggerate – what we have responded to and have been using for all of these years to define ourselves and guide our actions may not have even been accurate!

  Constantly living with the fear of being criticized and the high self-criticism that comes from it is exhausting. We spend inordinate amounts of time and energy trying to please people and be who we think we’re supposed to be to avoid the threat of criticism. We end up feeling constantly on our guard, anxious, and insecure about our performance, as well as constantly trying to avoid disappointment from some unseen source and the shame that accompanies it. As the Brené Brown quote indicated, shame is a straitjacket: inflexible and limiting. By trying to live up to other people’s standards and their expectations of how we’re supposed to be, we limit ourselves. We use their values as a guide and yardstick, instead of our own. One of the top regrets of the dying is not having had the courage to live a life that was true to themselves, instead of living the life that others expected of them.16 A life driven by the desire to avoid shame by living up to the unreasonable expectations of others is no life at all: we end up feeling unfulfilled and resentful.

  When we let High Self-Criticism rule us, we hold ourselves back and we don’t pay heed to the desires and needs of our Creative Self. We need to start healing the deep well of shame that formed the Inner Critic. By doing so, we’ll begin to go of the compulsion to avoid disapproval from others, begin to break our habit of being highly self-critical, and start living our lives based on our own values and aspirations. The first step is to get at the source of our self-critical thoughts and the inaccurate beliefs they’ve spawned in order to transform them.

  Creative Dose: Get At the Source

  Purpose: To become aware of your Inner Critic and start transforming mistaken beliefs

  In Chapter 2, we used Mad-Libs to suss out some of your most common inner critical thoughts. But have you ever wondered: where in the world did these thoughts come from? What messages did I receive to take these criticisms on and start thinking them myself?

  To dismantle beliefs, first we need to become aware of them. Let’s do some mental archeology and see if we can unearth the source of some of your self-criticisms and then diffuse their sting by reframing them.

  Part 1: Belief Awareness

  Sit down with a journal or a piece of paper and answer the following questions.

  What are your top self-criticisms?

  What are the beliefs underlying these criticisms?

  Write them down as a list.

  Go down the list of these beliefs. For each one, ask yourself objectively:

  Is this belief categorically true?

  See what you can find through this process. Then use the self-compassion template from Chapter 2 to comfort the part of yourself that unfairly received that harsh criticism.

  Part 2: Remember and Reframe

  Choose one of the beliefs that has the most power or the biggest emotional charge on it. Sit quietly for several minutes and see whether you can recall when you acquired that belief. Try to remember the situation as it happened.

  Next, remember the circumstances of the situation, where you were, who you were with, and what was said. Make an effort to concentrate on the details, not your feelings about the situation.

  Keep expanding your recollections to add information that you may have found out about the circumstances and the person later on.

  Did the person suffer from migraines? Were they in the process of getting a divorce? Did she hate her job? Was he really stressed out as a single parent?

  Continue to add details like this until you begin to see other potential reasons why that person reacted in that manner and how that criticism may not have been about you at all.

  You can use this framework:

  What I realize now is that:_____________________________________________

  Did doing so shift the emotional charge of the memory?

  What shifted for me?___________________________________________________

  How can I reframe this inaccurate thought, which became a belief and then a criticism, about myself?_____________________________________________________

  Come To Your Own Defense

  “Were we to meet this figure socially, this accusatory character, this internal critic, this unrelenting fault-finder, we would think there was something wrong with him. He would just be boring and cruel. We might think that something terrible had happened to him, that he was living in
the aftermath, in the fallout, of some catastrophe. And we would be right.”

  — Adam Phillips, “Against Self-Criticism” essay

  Criticism triggers the Inner Critic threat-protection system the same way judgments do, but even more so. Our negatively biased brains are already on high alert scanning for danger, giving us high threat reactivity, and making us “easily hijacked by alarm.”16 When a criticism, insult, or put-down comes from an external source, it triggers the stress response, activating the threat system in the brain.17 The amygdala – the oldest part of the brain, and the so-called “lizard brain” – is stimulated. We feel attacked. In response, our blood pressure goes up, and to easily activate the strength and energy needed to either confront or avoid the threat, our bodies are flooded with adrenaline and cortisol.18 Simply put, criticism causes us to go into fight, flight, or freeze mode. We may lash out at the person, try to get away from the criticizer as quickly as possible, or we may end up sitting in stunned silence, unable to find the words for defense or rebuttal.

  However, while this system evolved to address external threats and attacks, it is activated just as easily by emotional attacks from ourselves.19 When criticism come from an internal source – when we self-criticize – the same mechanism is triggered. Our brains respond in the same way as they do when the criticism comes from other people.20

  Whether the criticism is coming from the outside or inside of our own heads, our psyches feel threatened. In internalizing and mentally repeating strong criticisms and making them into self-criticism, the Inner Critic takes on the role of the criticizer. And because external criticisms feel like attacks, when we self-criticize, we are mentally attacking ourselves. You may think that the term attacked is strong. But when you consider that we respond the exact same way to internal self-criticisms as to criticism and insults coming from others – that our amygdala is triggered and we go into threat response mode – the term attack is apt.

  When the Inner Critic takes on the role of the external criticizer, we become of two minds and two selves. Don’t think of this as a multiple personality disorder, like in the movie Sybil or the show the United States of Tara. Rather, when the Inner Critic is present, the psyche splits into multiple parts,21 with one passing judgment upon and supplying criticisms to the other.22

  This Inner Critic “attack” may take the form of mentally lambasting ourselves over perceived mistakes, personal failure, or rejection; becoming defensive and sabotaging our own efforts, or trying to distract ourselves and run away from dealing with areas that we could improve.23 Because of this, I think of the two selves as the Inner Critic and the Attacked Self. The Inner Critic is the part of ourselves that is doing the criticizing. The Attacked Self is the equivalent of the inner child, and is the part of us that needs reassurance in the face of criticism, regardless of whether it’s coming from people outside of ourselves or from our own minds.

  The power dynamic is this: the Inner Critic essentially dominates the Attacked Self.24 In the same way a caregiver-child relationship is that of dominant and subordinate,25 the Inner Critic and the Attacked Self assume these roles too. And just as a parent or caregiver’s reprimands were intended to keep us away from potential harm, the Inner Critic’s severe directives compel us to hold ourselves back. The inhibited behavior that results from self-criticism shuts us down and keeps us from experiences that are seen to hold the prospect of threat. Unfortunately, instead of feeling safe and protected when the Inner Critic tries to protect us, we end up feeling more vulnerable and threatened.

  The Inner Critic’s objective of internalizing contempt was to help get us to belong more, but the harshness of our self-criticisms instead cause us to feel disconnected from others, isolated and alone, and potentially unworthy of belonging to the group.26 The Inner Critic in the form of High Self-Criticism causes the very thing that it was trying to avoid!

  It’s no wonder self-criticism is such a creativity-killer. Knowing what we do about how the brain’s self-evaluating part needs to be quiet for ideas to connect and come out of our heads, it’s easy to see why High Self-Criticism – negative self-evaluation on steroids – is like an enormous dam that holds back ideas from flowing through. We literally can’t be creative when we’re being highly self-critical; our brains and systems are too busy looking for and armoring against danger and threat. It’s also no small wonder that the Inner Critic feels so powerful and that at times we can feel so beaten down and controlled by it.27 In this light, feeling overwhelmed by and on the defensive with our inner critical thoughts and disparaging self-talk — and as a result, completely, utterly unable to come up with new ideas or solutions — makes perfect sense.

  When we are highly self-critical, our self-criticism initiates a process in which self-criticism begets more of the same, circling back to amplify itself and then spiraling out of control. It’s an excruciating cycle. But we have the means to break it.

  To reclaim our relinquished creativity, we are quite literally rebuilding our mind frames. In addition to leveraging neuroplasticity, we must rebuild the compromised foundations of our self-to-self relating. Thankfully, we are already developing the main tool that is the antidote to the venom of High Self-Criticism: self-compassion.

  In addition to the array of benefits listed in Chapter 2, here’s further confirmation of self-compassion’s efficacy: a form of mental training based on meta-cognitive learning and self-compassion called Compassionate Mind Training (CMT) has been shown to help study participants significantly decrease their level of mental self-attacking. In this study, the participants’ self-critical thoughts diminished in intensity and became less frequent and intrusive. The participants’ ability to reassure themselves rose significantly, with self-soothing thoughts becoming more powerful and easier for them to access. They also reduced their fears of being judged by others, with a major reduction of feelings of inferiority in social comparison. Also, they experienced reduced feelings of isolation and aloneness.28 These are precisely the outcomes that we are looking for to begin to shift out of our propensity to self-criticize.

  We can make use of many of the practices employed in the study and directly apply self-compassion to shift the power dynamics of our two selves, give comfort to the Attacked Self and calm down our limbic systems, and subdue the Inner Critic so that the Attacked Self can relax and fade away – and allow the Creative Self to come to the fore.

  Constantly being buffeted by messages from the Inner Critic wears down the younger, little-kid part of ourselves that just wants to be accepted and belong. To start creating profound and meaningful change, we have to give this part of ourselves the sense of safety that the Inner Critic has been working so hard to create for it.

  To shift the power dynamics between the Inner Critic and the Attacked Self, we’ll turn the tables on the Inner Critic. Again, we’re going to tap into the caregiving system that we are built with. Instead of letting the Inner Critic beat up the kid part of ourselves, we are going to comfort ourselves. Through giving kind words to the self, we’ll start to alleviate mental discomfort. As a result, we will transform the balance of the hormones our bodies produce and shift our emotions, moving us to a place of feeling increasingly more secure.

  Creative Dose: Compassion for the Selves

  Purpose: To show compassion to both the Attacked Self and the Inner Critic

  This exercise is adapted from the book Self-Compassion by Kristin Neff.29

  Step 1: Soothe the Attacked Self

  Through generating feelings of warmth and compassion for the Attacked Self in place of toxic self-criticism, we can deflect the Inner Critic’s attack.

  Once you’ve become aware that your Inner Critic is being judgmental and critical, take a moment to think soothing thoughts to the part of yourself that feels attacked. Think in the same kind of language you would use to show compassion to and soothe a child or a loved one.

  For example, if you find yours
elf thinking something like:

  “I can’t believe you missed that deadline! You’re going to mess everything up for everyone on the team!”

  You could soften it by telling yourself instead:

  “I know you’re working as hard as you can. Maybe you can find a way to simplify what you’re doing to get it all completed.”

  You can give yourself comforting messages to counter the self-critical voice of the Inner Critic either by writing them down, thinking them, or saying them verbally.

  What are some comforting messages that will work for you?

  Comforting message:

  _____________________________________________________

  Comforting message:

  _____________________________________________________

  Step 2: Soothe the Original Inner Critic

  In a poignant quote from author Bryant H. McGill, he says, “...you reclaim your power by loving what you were once taught to hate.” The Inner Critic can seem like this hugely powerful entity in our heads, but remember, the young part of ourselves was the seed of the Inner Critic.

  Imagine this: a little kid playing dress up in oversized clothes, maybe as a police officer, a teacher, a librarian or other adult authority figure. This seed of our young selves merely tried to imitate what he or she thought behavior control looked like and how it was supposed to make you try to act. But it was as clueless as you were: both of you were children who didn’t know any better.

  When you think of the Inner Critic from this perspective, you can see that in many ways, it needs comforting and reassurance as well. When you find your Inner Critic getting active and forceful, some acknowledgement, calming words, and some guidelines for behavior may help to tone down its intensity.