Banish Your Inner Critic

by Denise Jacobs

  For example, you may find yourself thinking something like this:

  “You can’t share this idea, everyone will think it’s stupid.”

  Here’s how you can respond this to your Inner Critic:

  “I understand that you’re trying to keep me safe from ridicule, but you actually don’t know what people will think at all.”

  Then you must follow with this very important request:

  “Please stop being so critical of what I do, it’s really hurtful for me.”

  By kindly acknowledging the Inner Critic’s concern, defusing its validity, and then responding to the Inner Critic with the knowledge that it’s hurtful, you will be on the road to changing it from being an attacker to an ally.

  Stay In the Present

  “Humans have an intelligent brain that can literally be taken over by basic emotions.”

  — Dr. Paul Gilbert, founder of Compassion Focused Therapy

  Due to negativity bias, we already remember insults and criticisms more than we remember praise. Negativity bias also pulls the mind towards upsetting or negative thoughts rather than positive ones when it wanders. This tendency is normal when it is infrequent. But when we repeat these negative messages over and over in our heads because of High Self-Criticism, an entirely different process is at play. Interestingly, it’s one of the things that we have in common with antelopes.

  If we were antelopes, in the face of a threatening experience we would respond by temporarily kicking into reactive mode and bounding over the bush of the savannah to safety. However, as soon as the threat of danger had passed, we’d return to a state of calm known as responsive mode. But we are not antelopes, we are human. With a larger, more complex brain, our upgraded operating system not only includes a high-alert function that constantly scans for danger, but we also boast a larger memory capacity to store past incidents from which to learn. It’s how we make use of this capacity to remember that is the practice that we share with antelopes. It’s called ruminating.

  Taken from the ability of antelope, cattle and other and other animals of its kind to chew food multiple times, psychologists use the term “ruminating” to refer to the practice of thinking thoughts associated with the symptoms, causes, and consequences of one’s negative feelings over and over again in a recurring loop.

  There are two versions of rumination:

  Thinking about events in the past.

  Worrying about events that could possibly happen in the future

  Much to our detriment, when we are highly self-critical, we have a tendency to draw upon our emotionally charged negative memories of being criticized far more often than is beneficial. The more we recycle the past and worry about things that are going to go wrong in the future, the stronger the ruminating circuit gets.30

  In neuroscience, Hebb’s Law is a well-known expression in the world of neural psychology which states: “neurons that fire together, wire together.”31 As we know from what we learned about neuroplasticity in Chapter 2, this brain function is fantastic when it comes to learning new skills or imprinting your mind with positive experiences. It’s not so great, however, when we recycle painful memories, engage in highly critical self-talk, or get worked up about something we’re afraid will happen in the future. Starting out as merely traces in the brain, the more these negative thoughts repeat, the more they create well-worn tracks in your neural circuits. This repetition creates a tendency to ruminate that will eventually turn into a rumination reflex.

  Both depression and anxiety are the result of excess rumination, and with our special mental version of it, we humans constantly wrestle with both. Depression and anxiety are two sides of the same coin – both activate similar processes in the brain. One uses the imagination to replay memories and the feelings associated with them; the other employs the imagination to create possible negative scenarios and the emotions connected with those. With a particularly virulent Inner Critic, we can all too easily slip into a state of either or both.

  Rumination uses up valuable mental resources: it diminishes concentration and reduces the performance of learned skills that have become automatic. More importantly, rumination is completely at odds with being creative. Research shows that creative thought “...recruits brain regions that are critical for daydreaming, imagining the future, remembering deeply personal memories, constructive internal reflection, meaning making, and social cognition.”32 That sounds remarkably similar to what we do when we ruminate. Furthermore, recycling memories and thoughts from the past actually “discourages active problem-solving, as people tend to stay fixated on the negative thoughts and emotions rather than put forth the effort to solve the underlying problem,” keeping us blind to alternatives outside our narrowed perspective.33 We can’t do both: we can’t come up with ideas while we are engaging the same network to recycle old thoughts and memories or create new negative ones. Ruminating steals away the brain capacity we need to envision workable solutions to the tasks and challenges directly in front of us – in other words, to exercise creativity.

  Unsurprisingly, with their smaller brains and different memory capacity, antelopes do not suffer from beating themselves up over past mistakes or worrying about future ones. But we do, and we pay dearly for it on multiple levels. Self-critical ruminating initiates the cycle of constantly being on high alert to threat. Over time, the resulting high levels of cortisol perpetually running through our system deplete our reserves of the brain chemicals that help us experience pleasure.34

  The mental toll of ruminating is equally distressing. Think of the mind/brain as a mental simulator that runs movies. These movies of past failures and potential futures are the equivalent of horror movies and leave a wake of highly self-critical and negativistic neural structure, which is part of the foundation upon which our sense of self and self-perception is built. This neural structure and the resultant way of thinking then begins to rule your behavior and color your perceptions. So, if you are beating yourself up about how you got nervous in the client presentation or that you’re afraid that your work won’t be good enough and you may be fired, it will negatively influence your future actions.

  We have options. We don’t have to keep reliving the criticisms and let them continue to affect us; we don’t have to feed our self-attacking through self-criticism. We need to stay aware and vigilant to this habit. It only hurts us and put us in constant high alert, wearing down our minds and bodies. Everything that you’ve agonized about that happened in the past is no longer happening. The things you worry about? They haven’t yet happened.

  Recycling emotionally charged negative thoughts and memories can trap us in a holding pattern of depression and anxiety. Like I told Anneke, it’s time to put the hammer down. Instead of rehashing the past or worrying about the future, you could be focused on the here and now, directing your powers of imagination toward the best way to move yourself forward into a future that you actually want.

  Creative Dose: The Anti-Rumination Hand Squeeze

  Purpose: To interrupt the rumination process and help you to refocus

  When you find yourself getting worked up over a thought that’s blocking you from generating ideas, do this: Take a soft toy ball in your left hand and squeeze it for several minutes.

  Studies show that rumination is associated with the left side of the brain, and that the activity of using your left hand to squeeze the toy ball stimulates the opposite side of the brain, breaking the rumination process by forcing activity to the opposite hemisphere.35

  If you are left-handed and this exercise doesn’t kick you out of ruminating, then try using your right hand instead.

  Creative Dose: S.H.I.F.T. to Three+3

  Purpose: To shift yourself out of ruminative self-criticism and into a place of self-appreciation

  In her book The Happiness Project, author Gretchen Rubin suggests that everyone should have a place in their minds that i
s sort of a safe space, an area of refuge, where there are only positive things: thoughts, memories, music, smells, and such. This is a place that we can escape to whenever we may be drawn to recalling and then ruminating upon negative thoughts, beliefs, or memories.36 It turns out that this is sound advice; studies have shown that reliving positive memories reduces stress.37

  However, when we’re in limbic overload from negatively ruminating, before we can get to our happy place, we need a method to help us switch gears. Hopefully, you’ve started using the hand-squeeze technique to truncate the rumination process. Now, let’s deliberately shift our brains into a different and more positive mindframe.

  Step 1: Determine Your Rumination Style

  We all have negativity bias and we all ruminate to some extent. However, if you have High Self-Criticism, there’s a good chance that your rumination reflex is strong, and it may be hurting you.

  Look below and see which version of rumination you lean towards:

  Depressive: Continuously revisiting, thinking about, and generating negative emotions relating to events in the past. This is the version of rumination that, in its extreme form, contributes to depression.

  Anxious: Thinking of and generating negative emotions about events that could possibly happen in the future. In its extreme form, this version of rumination contributes to anxiety.

  Knowing this about yourself is the first step to raising your awareness of the tendency to ruminate, and will help you recognize it better when you fall into it.

  Step 2: S.H.I.F.T.

  Shifting attention to stop the ruminating circuit from being self-critical about any perceived mistakes or errors is key.

  Acronyms are a great mnemonic device, so I’ve created one to help with the process of grounding ourselves when we go into the mode of being overly self-critical. As I’ve mentioned, banishing the Inner Critic has nothing to do with strong-arming. It is more about using your awareness to make different choices, which over time will eventually change how your brain works. Here’s an acronym to keep in mind to move from being in an self-critical state of mind to one that is kinder to the self and supportive of creativity: S.H.I.F.T.

  So, when you feel your Inner Critic coming up, mentally say to your Inner Critic “thank you for your thoughts,” and then S.H.I.F.T.:

  Stay present, taking several deep breaths to get yourself grounded and back into your body.

  Have compassion by understanding that you’re feeling scared and commiting to give yourself comforting messages.

  Invoke mindfulness by realizing that you are not your thoughts and that you have the power to observe them without reacting to them.

  Focus attention, choosing to place your attention on alternative thoughts.

  Trust your Creative Self, knowing that the creative part of you exists and it will come out when you relax.

  These are suggestions, but to really solidify this as a tool that works for you, feel free to come up your own versions of staying present, having compassion, invoking mindfulness, focusing attention, and trusting in your creative self .

  Or even better, use your creativity to come up with your own S.H.I.F.T. words, or even your own acronym, to help break you out of ruminating and put yourself into a calmer mindframe.

  Step 3: Make Your Three+3

  Now that you’re shifting out of rumination into a calmer state of mind, you need to replace self-critical thoughts with self-supportive ones. When you recognize yourself falling into the habit of self-criticizing, use the Three+3 technique. We’re combining two powerful practices in one exercise.

  First, we will replace negative self-criticism with positive statements. Despite what you may think, affirmations do work, but not in the way that they are typically promoted. Instead of being a mechanism of changing thought patterns from old to new, studies show that affirmations are really good at showing us the range of possibilities. They are in essence “cognitive expanders.”38 Affirmations help to soften the blow of negative thoughts and to dampen defensiveness. While self-criticism and the subconscious sense of threat that it generates narrow perspective on the self, affirmations bolster self-worth by widening our tunnel vision and helping us to see ourselves and our potential more clearly. When it comes to being highly self-critical, affirmations help give us a much-needed alternative perspective.

  Second, we’ll employ a self-talk technique in which you address yourself in the third person. This has been shown to help people to think more clearly, gain perspective, and improve performance. Talking to yourself in the third person switches on the cognitive part of the brain, turns off the fight-or-flight response, and returns us to a place of calm self-control.39

  Before you need it, do this:

  Think of three qualities that you truly appreciate about yourself and are grateful for. Are you kind to others, respectful of people’s time, a good listener, able to distill information quickly, honest, trustworthy, a loyal friend? Choose the three qualities that you feel best about and memorize them. Practice them to yourself so that your list becomes completely automatic. That way when you need to bring it to mind, it’s readily available.

  Now create a list of qualities that you appreciate about your creativity and are grateful for. Do you find your creativity delightful, whimsical, profound, moving, truthful, insightful, warming, thought-provoking, multilayered? Think of words that positively describe how you feel about your creativity or how your creativity makes you feel. Choose the top three that make you feel best – that provide a sense of warmth and satisfaction. Again, practice this list to yourself until it becomes automatic.

  You’ve now got your Three+3.

  Step 4: Play Your Three+3

  Anytime you recognize yourself going into a mode of self-criticism, put your Three+3 to work.

  Say to yourself, either mentally or out loud,

  “Sheila, you are kind, thoughtful, and honest.”

  “Your creativity is delightful, profound, and inspiring.”

  Important: Remember to speak to yourself in the third person instead of using “I.” You will gain the most benefit this way!

  Over time, this practice will actually help to diverge from the well-worn mental paths of self-criticism in your brain.

  Get Perspective and Gain Control

  “The most common way people give up their power is by thinking they don’t have any.”

  — Alice Walker, author and poet

  By staying in a state of perpetually feeling like we’re under attack from our own self-criticism, much of our energy reserves are drained by a limbic system that’s in constant crisis. However, now that we’ve learned where the practice of being highly self-critical comes from and have strategies for getting to the roots of our mistaken beliefs and breaking the cycle of strengthening them by repetition, we begin to see that we are not powerless against this particularly damaging guise of the Inner Critic. We have the wherewithal to regain the reins of control over both our minds and emotions.

  To continue transforming our dynamic so that we get ourselves out of reactive mode, and to calm ourselves down enough so that we can start doing the work that we came here to do, we need to amp up our efforts to think differently so that we may do differently. To discover who we truly are without the fear of punishment motivating our choices and behaviors, we need to learn how to create distance between ourselves and our self-critical thoughts. As we are working to fully assimilate this new practice, we will be much like children talking their way through learning a new task. Thus, self-talk will be our main tool for success. However, unlike when we were younger, we will actively update our inner self-talk by being aware of and in control of it. This time, we know we have power.

  Create A Healthy Mental Distance

  “Beautiful things happen in your life when you distance yourself from negativity.”

  — Anonymous

 
Criticism from others brings to light the qualities that we fear are our shortcomings. In addition to triggering our threat system, the criticisms that we received when we were younger were so poignant in large part because they voiced our fears about ourselves.

  Here is the number-one rule when it comes to High Self-Criticism: do not accept everything your Inner Critic says as the gospel.

  While they may feel like your own thoughts, remember that your self-criticisms are born from other people’s beliefs and perceptions that were superimposed upon you and that you took on. It’s what and how you believed you were supposed to do, think, and be to be valued, protected, and feel safe in the world. However, it doesn’t mean that any of those criticisms are actually true.

  Whenever you remember this fact, then it is easier to identify the underlying beliefs that were the seeds of your current self-criticisms. We need to stay vigilant about not over-identifying with the messages of the Inner Critic. The more aware we are of these thoughts, the more we’ll realize that we no longer need to continue telling ourselves these lies.

  Through the heightened awareness of our thoughts, we’ll hear how we talk to ourselves more clearly. And because we are working to return to the Creative Self, if this self-talk does not support our creativity, then we will change it. One method used in psychology is called “self-distancing,” which is to see yourself as another person, and correspondingly, use self-talk to mentally refer to yourself in the third person as “you” instead of in the first person of “I,” or even use your first name. (Remember, you’ve already practiced this in the Three+3 exercise.) Just the simple switch of pronouns or addressing yourself in the third person has the potential to dramatically transform your ability to execute tasks with aplomb.

  Various studies have revealed directed inner talk to be an incredibly effective tool to reshape the psyche for success. Ethan Koss, director of the Emotion & Self-Control Laboratory at the University of Michigan, has determined that self-talk is “a powerful instrument of consciousness” that enables the brain to reach optimal performance.40 Self-distancing has the power to affect the fight-or-flight response, and helps quell emotional reactions that narrow our perception of our options. Self-distancing flips a switch in the part of the brain that controls thoughts and another that controls fear, creating a bit of mental magic.41 The practice of using this different language allows us to observe our circumstances and emotions in an alert and interested manner, much like the state we would be in when going to a new place. Psychological distance enables us to lower rumination, thus helping us to think more clearly. With negative thoughts at a minimum, we exercise self-control, perform better, and are able to gain the perspective we need to plan for the future.42