Banish Your Inner Critic

by Denise Jacobs

  Self-distancing through changing self-talk is a highly underutilized tool, but we are going to change that. It’s important to keep in mind that all of our self-perceptions are really only mental constructs – they are thoughts about ourselves and not who we are in the grandest sense.43 Both the self and the mind are ever-changing and fluid. Our current versions of ourselves are an outcome of our past, but in every moment lies the potential for us to mold ourselves into a different future self. Through changing our self-talk, we will do just that.

  Creative Dose: Self-Talk Reboot

  Purpose: To transform self-talk into a tool for empowerment

  We’re going to revamp how we talk to ourselves. It’s time to celebrate: the days of mean self-talk are numbered! No more letting ourselves be beaten down by telling ourselves harsh criticisms in the first person. To separate ourselves from our self-critical thoughts, we’re going to use self-distancing, and mentally take a few steps back so that we can see ourselves more clearly and then guide ourselves to where we want to go.

  Fortuitously, it turns out that self-distancing is a great tool for mindfulness, helping us to stay aware of what’s happening around us and view ourselves with objectivity, much as we would regard a friend. Because of this detachment from our self-critical stories, we can better practice self-kindness and compassion as well.

  There are three steps to this process: First, we will practice getting distance from the part of ourselves that is the Inner Critic. Next, we will encourage ourselves as if we were a different person. Third, we will get a template for how to talk ourselves out of self-critical jams when we need it.

  Step 1: From I to You

  The part of you that is the highly self-critical Inner Critic is not you. You are more than your Inner Critic and self-berating. So let’s get some distance by giving your Inner Critic a voice and helping you to start to see and feel the difference between you and your self-criticisms. This exercise was adapted from the article “The Critical Inner Voice that Causes Depression,” by Lisa Firestone, PhD.119

  When it comes up, tune into the voice of your self-criticism. In your journal or on a sheet of paper, write down these thoughts. However, in place of “I”, use “You.”

  For example, your thought may be “None of my ideas are any good.”

  You would change that to “None of your ideas are any good.”

  Commit to do this exercise for a week. It will quickly raise your awareness of just how harsh your inner talk has been, and will also make you question whether your self-critical thoughts are truly your own perspective or a stance that you’ve inherited. Once you see how mean your negative self-talk is, you’ll be motivated to change it to something more positive.

  Step 2: Third-Person Power

  In one of Ethan Koss’ studies, participants were told to try to encourage themselves before giving a presentation. Those who used their names to give themselves a pep talk like “You can do this, Marcus. You’ve totally got this,” gave better talks, ruminated less, and felt less shame about their performance afterward. In contrast, those who tried to bolster their nervousness by using “I” felt less calm and less positive.44

  When you’re in the ideation and creative stage of a project, when you most need ideas to flow, give yourself periodic boosts by talking to yourself in the third person.

  Here are some examples:

  “Roxanne, you are going to come up with something great!”

  “Jonathon, just sit down and let your ideas flow.”

  “Rashida, you really do great work.”

  Part 3: Talk Yourself Through It

  Talking to yourself as if you’re another person moves the focus away from the self. We’ll flip a switch in our heads that turns the self off and turns on objectivity by leveraging the power that language has over our brains. It turns out that the emotional parts of the brain don’t respond well to the scolding we’ve been practicing when being highly self-critical – but it does great with same type of encouragement that we would give to a friend. The distance also helps us to apply the wisdom that we activate when we advise others.

  When you are trying to do your creative work and have a particularly strong moment of high self-criticism that threatens to paralyze you from moving forward, you can talk to yourself in the same way an objective advisor, mentor, or coach would.

  Let’s try this exercise, adapted from the article “The Voice of Reason,” by Pamela Weintraub.45

  Say that you agreed to give a talk at the last minute and you only had one day to prepare for it. You’re unsure of what you’ve developed, and as a result, your anxiety levels are going through the roof.

  Use this template to talk yourself down from the ceiling.

  “Josh, there’s no need to be nervous about giving this talk. You’ve done this a hundred times before.”

  Remember to get distance by addressing yourself by your first name and providing supportive advice just like you would to a friend.

  “Just remember what points you can and convey your love of the subject. People will respond to your passion and enthusiasm.”

  Remember to soothe yourself and tell yourself a truth about the situation.

  “Josh, you’re an accomplished, professional, and seasoned speaker. You’re going to do great – this is what you do.”

  Remember to use the power of affirmations to expand your perceptions of yourself. Give yourself a final positive stroke to make it all stick.

  Regardless of the circumstance, you can adapt this template to self-encourage as needed and transform your self-talk into a tool that will take you to new heights.

  Break On Through To the Other Side

  “Your mind is your instrument. Learn to be its master and not its slave.”

  — Remez Sasson, author

  In continuing to take back our power to create and questioning the source of these harsh inward criticisms that we have started to dismantle, we need to get at some deeper parts of the Inner Critic. How will we do that? We’re going to give the brain a little workout by forcing activity in the nondominant hemisphere.

  We’ll do this for several reasons. First, using our nondominant hand forces us to use a part of the brain that is related to feeling, intuition, inner wisdom, and creativity.46 I like to think this means it’s the part of the brain that is more closely connected to younger parts of the psyche. Second, while the brain often only uses one hemisphere when doing familiar tasks with the dominant hand, forcing use of the nondominant hand activates both hemispheres simultaneously. The unfamiliar physical motion improves communication between the two sides of the brain, enhancing mental processing. Finally, using our other hand encourages the formation of new neural connections and pathways. The more we use our nondominant hand, the more we can not only reach harder-to-reach emotions, but also simultaneously amplify the brain’s capacity for creativity.

  Creative Dose: Inner Critic Undoing

  Purpose: To use the other side of your brain to get at the roots of your Inner Critic

  Part 1: Give Your Inner Critic The Third Degree

  For this exercise, use both your dominant hand and your nondominant hand.

  Sit down with a piece of paper, and write the following questions to your Inner Critic with your dominant hand. Be sure to leave enough space for the answers:

  Who are you?

  Where do you come from?

  What do you want?

  What do you believe you’re protecting me from?

  So, what’s your point?

  What does it matter if I am ___________________________ or not?

  Take a moment to sit with the questions, then write the responses with your nondominant hand. What comes up for you?

  Part 2: Erasure

  With your nondominant hand, draw a picture of the meanest, nastiest, most vicious version of your Inner Criti
c. Drawing your Inner Critic takes it out of your head and puts in front your eyes, helping you to distance from it.47

  Now, while telling your Inner Critic that you don’t need it to be so zealous and that you are creating new terms for your relationship with it, take the picture and rip it into shreds. Dispose of the shreds. Or if you have the means to burn the shreds, then do so.

  How did it feel to make your Inner Critic visible? Did it make it feel less threatening?

  How did it feel to physically destroy your representation of it?

  Change Your Mind By Hand

  “Often the hands will solve a mystery that the intellect has struggled with in vain.”

  — Carl Jung, psychologist

  As we increase awareness of our thoughts to gain better control of them, we’ll invariably notice more negative ones and greater amounts of self-criticism. In addition to relying upon mindfulness to notice them and self-compassion to think more supportive thoughts, we can also make use of the mind-body connection and use gesture to spark a change.

  A wide body of research shows the use of the hands “enhances cerebral capacity, elevates mood, and elicits creative thought.”48 Indeed, physical movement holds the potential to be a major part of stimulating the imagination and the brain for problem-solving and creative work. However, most exciting to me is one research finding that “body movements are involved not only in processing old ideas, but also in creating new ones.”49

  It turns out that gestures and thinking are far more connected than we realize. Susan Goldin-Meadow, a professor of Psychology at the University of Chicago and author of Hearing Gesture: How Our Hands Help Us Think,50 studies the effect of gestures on learning with children. What her research has revealed is absolutely fascinating.

  First, gestures have a strong effect on our mindframe. Goldin-Meadow’s studies found that gestures reflect what is on our minds and often give a better indication of what we are thinking than what we say verbally.51 Second, the gestures that we see others do can change our minds: she found gestures that suggest information are almost as leading as verbally stating the same. Third, the gestures that we make can change our minds as well. And it gets even better: not only can we use gestures to change what we’re thinking, but we can also use gestures to activate deep-seated knowledge.

  Finally, in addition to showing what’s on our minds or guiding it toward change, gestures enhance learning. Goldin-Meadow’s findings reveal that when children use gestures to accentuate concepts – either those taught to them or those they naturally create themselves – they learn better. Children who use gestures to learn math problems far outperform those who do not, and babies who learn gestures at fourteen months old have dramatically expanded vocabularies by fifty-four months old.52 Gesture, then, is an overlooked powerhouse of a tool.

  As adults, our gestures are well-established and many of them already have strong mental associations. One very strong one that is the gesture of swiping to the left to signal subtraction or taking away. It’s easy to think that “swiping left” came into being with the development of swiping apps, but this gesture far precedes them. It’s been a part of human communication for a very long time, with is almost universal common meaning. The motion of moving your hand in front your body to the left has long had the meaning of “Take it away/get rid of it,” “Go away,” “I don’t want it,” and even, “It’s not good enough.” The deeply established connection between this gesture and our brains is the perfect vehicle to lessen our self-criticism.

  In our process of banishing the Inner Critic, we’re going to co-opt this already ingrained body-mind connection and put it to work to transform the power of our self-criticisms. That’s right: we’re going to use gesture to change our minds from being highly self-critical to becoming more approving of ourselves.

  Creative Dose: Swipe Left

  Purpose: To quickly delete negative thoughts

  We can counter self-critical thoughts by “deleting” them. No, I’m not talking about trying to “not think” them – we’ve already discovered in Chapter 2 that thought-stopping doesn’t completely work. It’s only when we halt the process of turning thoughts and feelings into

  self-criticism, and also stop replaying the self-criticism that is already there, that we will start becoming less self-critical and more self-supportive.

  To cease censoring our creative ideas, we will use our hands and mind together to censor self-critical thoughts and create new thought patterns. This exercise is so quick and easy that you can start using it right now.

  Option 1: Delete

  When you start going into a self-critical litany of how everything you create sucks, or any other toxic self-criticism, think or say “Delete” or “Cancel” and use the gesture of swiping left with two or three fingers in the air, the same way you would do on your smartphone to delete an email.

  Doing so will leverage a strong association that already exists in your brain and start applying it to thoughts to help you delete them and move on.

  Option 2: Delete and Replace

  You can take this practice step further by creating or using a second gesture to anchor the positive thought that replaces the negative one. If your negative thought is “My work sucks,” first think or say “Delete” and swipe left.

  Then think a new thought, such as “My work is constantly evolving and improving,” and combine with a nod yes, or even combine nodding yes and touching your hand to your heart.

  Cease Self-Censoring

  “You must be unintimidated by your own thoughts because if you write with someone looking over your shoulder, you’ll never write.”

  — Nikki Giovanni, poet

  Some of our most precious time is during the moments of ideation, brainstorming, musing, and contemplation. These are times when we are playing with ideas and seeing how they connect and inform each other. During these times in particular, we need the Inner Critic to be unobtrusive and quiet. As we are all too aware, this is when it tends to weigh in the most and we become the most self-critical. Instead of easily accessing ideas, we feel they are maddeningly just out of reach.

  As an over-zealous protector, your Inner Critic does its job a little too well. When we think self-critical thoughts like, “This idea is dumb, so I’m not going to attempt it. I’ll wait until a better idea comes along,” or “I’m wrong,” or “it will be boring and suck,” we are making either a conscious choice to withhold ideas or an unconscious one that inhibits the generation of ideas.53 When we do that, we are committing what writer Matthew May refers to in a recent online article as “ideacide,” a process of self-censoring he considers “the highest crime against creativity.”54

  It’s the Inner Critic in the form of High Self-Criticism that causes us to commit ideacide and to “reject, deny, stifle, squelch, strike, silence and otherwise put ideas of our own to death, sometimes even before they’re born.”55 We do this for fear that we’ll be judged, criticized, or ridiculed and that our ideas will be evaluated negatively. The resulting self-doubt and over-control interfere with our ability to be creative. If any ideas do make it past the Inner Critic’s stalwart efforts to block them, they are stunted and weak from their ordeal.

  Ironically, being overly self-critical and committing ideacide heightens the likelihood that the very outcomes we fear will come to fruition.

  But ideacide is detrimental to more than ideas. When we commit ideacide, while destroying the sprouting seedlings of ideas before they reach the light of day, we also mentally beat ourselves up and destroy our self-confidence. Furthermore, ideacide also affects the people we work with. Being highly self-critical blinds us to the prospect that even if our ideas are not fully formed or brilliant, others could benefit from them. Our ideas could be a catalyst that sparks variations to build upon, or even other great ideas.

  For writers especially, poet Nikki Giovanni’s quote about being “unintimidated by
your own thoughts” is spot-on, but because not all of us are writers, I will be so bold as to alter her quote to make it more applicable to everyone: “You must be unintimidated by your own thoughts, because if you create with someone looking over your shoulder, you’ll never create.”

  Think back to the last time you were in the creative zone with your work and remember the thoughts you were thinking and the feelings you were having then; what do you find?

  Were you concerned about how interesting your ideas were or afraid they were intrinsically wrong? No!

  Were you panicked or anxious about bringing your idea into the world or afraid you wouldn’t do it justice? No!

  Did you feel like you could learn what you needed to bring your idea to fruition? Yes!

  Did you feel like you could do it? Yes!

  You were able to feel positive and confident because no mental critic was looking over your shoulder. Your Inner Critic was, at least for several shining moments, deliciously and beautifully silent.