To Make Sport for our Neighbours

by Ronald McGowan

  I remain, dear sir, with respectful compliments to your lady and daughters, your well-wisher and friend,

  WILLIAM COLLINS"

  "At four o'clock, therefore, we may expect this peace-making gentleman," I said, as I folded up the letter. "He seems to be a most conscientious and polite young man, upon my word; and I doubt not will prove a valuable acquaintance, especially if Lady Catherine should be so indulgent as to let him come to us again. There is some sense in what he says about the girls however; and if he is disposed to make them any amends, I shall not be the person to discourage him."

  "Though it is difficult," said Jane, "to guess in what way he can mean to make us the atonement he thinks our due, the wish is certainly to his credit."

  Elizabeth was chiefly struck with his extraordinary deference for Lady Catherine, and his kind intention of christening, marrying, and burying his parishioners whenever it were required.

  "He must be an oddity, I think," said she. "I cannot make him out.--There is something very pompous in his style.--And what can he mean by apologizing for being next in the entail?--We cannot suppose he would help it, if he could.--Can he be a sensible man, sir?"

  "No, my dear; I think not. I have great hopes of finding him quite the reverse. There is a mixture of servility and self-importance in his letter, which promises well. I am impatient to see him."

  "In point of composition," said Mary, "his letter does not seem defective. The idea of the olive branch perhaps is not wholly new, yet I think it is well expressed."

  To Catherine and Lydia, neither the letter nor its writer were in any degree interesting. It was next to impossible that their cousin should come in a scarlet coat, and it was now some weeks since they had received pleasure from the society of a man in any other colour. As for their mother, Mr. Collins's letter had done away much of her ill-will, and she was preparing to see him with a degree of composure, which truly astonished the rest of us.

  Mr. Collins was punctual to his time, and was received with great politeness by the whole family. I said very little myself; but the ladies were ready enough to talk, and Mr. Collins seemed neither in need of encouragement, nor inclined to be silent himself. He was a tall, heavy looking young man of five and twenty. His air was grave and stately, and his manners were very formal. He had not been long seated before he complimented Mrs. Bennet on having so fine a family of daughters, said he had heard much of their beauty, “but that, in this instance, fame had fallen short of the truth; and added, that he did not doubt her seeing them all in due time well disposed of in marriage. This gallantry was not much to the taste of some of his hearers, but Mrs. Bennet, who quarrelled with no compliments, answered most readily,

  "You are very kind, sir, I am sure; and I wish with all my heart it may prove so; for else they will be destitute enough. Things are settled so oddly."

  "You allude perhaps to the entail of this estate."

  "Ah! sir, I do indeed. It is a grievous affair to my poor girls, you must confess. Not that I mean to find fault with you, for such things I know are all chance in this world. There is no knowing how estates will go when once they come to be entailed."

  "I am very sensible, madam, of the hardship to my fair cousins,—and could say much on the subject, but that I am cautious of appearing forward and precipitate. But I can assure the young ladies that I come prepared to admire them. At present I will not say more, but perhaps when we are better acquainted——"

  He was interrupted by a summons to dinner; and the girls smiled on each other. They were not the only objects of Mr. Collins's admiration. The hall, the dining-room, and all its furniture were examined and praised; and his commendation of every thing would have touched Mrs. Bennet's heart, but for the mortifying supposition of his viewing it all as his own future property. The dinner too in its turn was highly admired; and he begged to know to which of his fair cousins, the excellence of its cookery was owing. But here he was set right by Mrs. Bennet, who assured him with some asperity that they were very well able to keep a good cook, and that her daughters had nothing to do in the kitchen. He begged pardon for having displeased her. In a softened tone she declared herself not at all offended; but he continued to apologise for about a quarter of an hour.

  During dinner, I scarcely spoke at all; indeed, it was all I could do to hold my tongue and not laugh out loud. But when the servants were withdrawn, I thought it time to see how far I could go with my guest, to what extremes of unwitting absurdity I could lead him, and therefore I started a subject in which I expected him to shine, by observing that he seemed very fortunate in his patroness. Lady Catherine de Bourgh's attention to his wishes, and consideration for his comfort, appeared very remarkable.

  It turned out that I could not have chosen better. Mr. Collins was eloquent in her praise. The subject elevated him to more than usual solemnity of manner, and with a most important aspect he protested that he had never in his life witnessed such behaviour in a person of rank—such affability and condescension, as he had himself experienced from Lady Catherine. She had been graciously pleased to approve of both the discourses, which he had already had the honour of preaching before her. She had also asked him twice to dine at Rosings, and had sent for him only the Saturday before, to make up her pool of quadrille in the evening. Lady Catherine was reckoned proud by many people he knew, but he had never seen any thing but affability in her. She had always spoken to him as she would to any other gentleman; she made not the smallest objection to his joining in the society of the neighbourhood, nor to his leaving his parish occasionally for a week or two, to visit his relations. She had even condescended to advise him to marry as soon as he could, provided he chose with discretion; and had once paid him a visit in his humble parsonage; where she had perfectly approved all the alterations he had been making, and had even vouchsafed to suggest some herself,—some shelves in the closets up stairs.

  "That is all very proper and civil, I am sure," said Mrs. Bennet, "and I dare say she is a very agreeable woman. It is a pity that great ladies in general are not more like her. Does she live near you, sir?"

  "The garden in which stands my humble abode, is “separated only by a lane from Rosings Park, her ladyship's residence."

  "I think you said she was a widow, sir? has she any family?"

  "She has one only daughter, the heiress of Rosings, and of very extensive property."

  "Ah!" cried Mrs. Bennet, shaking her head, "then she is better off than many girls. And what sort of young lady is she? is she handsome?"

  "She is a most charming young lady indeed. Lady Catherine herself says that in point of true beauty, Miss De Bourgh is far superior to the handsomest of her sex; because there is that in her features which marks the young woman of distinguished birth. She is unfortunately of a sickly constitution, which has prevented her making that progress in many accomplishments, which she could not otherwise have failed of; as I am informed by the lady who superintended her education, and who still resides with them. But she is perfectly amiable, and often condescends to drive by my humble abode in her little phaeton and ponies."

  "Has she been presented? I do not remember her name among the ladies at court."

  "Her indifferent state of health unhappily prevents her being in town; and by“ that means, as I told Lady Catherine myself one day, has deprived the British court of its brightest ornament. Her ladyship seemed pleased with the idea, and you may imagine that I am happy on every occasion to offer those little delicate compliments which are always acceptable to ladies. I have more than once observed to Lady Catherine, that her charming daughter seemed born to be a duchess, and that the most elevated rank, instead of giving her consequence, would be adorned by her.—These are the kind of little things which please her ladyship, and it is a sort of attention which I conceive myself peculiarly bound to pay."

  "You judge very properly," I encouraged him "and it is happy for you that you possess the talent of flattering with delicacy. May I ask whether these pleasing attentions pr
oceed from the impulse of the moment, or are the result of previous study?"

  "They arise chiefly from what is passing at the time, and though I sometimes amuse myself with suggesting and arranging such little elegant compliments as may be adapted to ordinary occasions, I always wish to give them as unstudied an air as possible."

  My expectations were fully answered. My cousin was as absurd as I had hoped, and I listened to him with the keenest enjoyment, struggling all the while to maintain at the same time the most resolute composure of countenance.

  It was obvious from the occasional glance from Elizabeth that she well understood what I was at, but, otherwise, I fear my pleasure had no partner.

  By tea-time however the dose had been quite enough, and I was very glad to take my guest into the drawing-room again, and when tea was over, quite ready to invite him to read aloud to the ladies.

  Mr. Collins readily assented, and a book was produced; but on beholding it, (for every thing announced it to be from a circulating library), he started back, and begging pardon, protested that he never read novels. Kitty stared at him, and Lydia exclaimed. Other books were produced, and after some deliberation he chose Fordyce's Sermons. Lydia gaped as he opened the volume, and before he had, with very monotonous solemnity, read three pages, she interrupted him with,

  "Do you know, mama, that my uncle Philips talks of turning away Richard, and if he does, Colonel Forster will hire him. My aunt told me so herself on Saturday. I shall walk to Meryton to-morrow to hear more about it, and to ask when Mr. Denny comes back from town."

  Lydia was bid by her two eldest sisters to hold her tongue; but Mr. Collins, much offended, laid aside his book, and said,

  "I have often observed how little young ladies are interested by books of a serious stamp, though written solely for their benefit. It amazes me, I confess;—for certainly, there can be nothing so advantageous to them as instruction. But I will no longer importune my young cousin."

  Then turning to me, he offered himself as an antagonist at backgammon. I accepted the challenge with interest, taking the opportunity to stir things up by observing that he acted very wisely in leaving the girls to their own trifling amusements.

  Mrs. Bennet and her daughters apologised most civilly for Lydia's interruption, and promised that it should not occur again, if he would resume his book; but Mr. Collins, after assuring them that he bore his young cousin no ill will, and should never resent her behaviour as any affront, seated himself at another table with me, and prepared for backgammon.

  I cannot honestly say that it was the most exciting game of backgammon I have ever played, but it was well worth it to be spared Fordyce’s Sermons.

  Chapter Seventeen Benefit of Clergy

  Mr. Collins was not a sensible man, and for the first night of his visit I was quite content to observe his foibles and effrontery and share the observation mutely with my second daughter, who, I doubted not, joined me in my amusement.

  That he had the effrontery to beat me at backgammon did nothing to raise my opinion of him, however. I was not paying attention to the game, in any case, being excessively diverted by such a mixture of pride and obsequiousness, self-importance and humility as I had not encountered for many a long year.

  He soon palled, therefore. Who was it who coined the saying “Guests are like raw fish. They start to stink after a while”? As far as I was concerned, the olfactory problem of Mr. Collins started on the second morning.

  I was quite happy to see him settled in a tête-à-tête with Mrs. Bennet after breakfast and retired to my library, hoping to avoid him for the rest of the morning. After a mere quarter of an hour, however, he followed me there, and there he would continue, though nominally engaged with one of the largest folios in the collection, talking with little cessation, of his house and garden at Hunsford. I found such doings discomposed me exceedingly. In my library I had been always sure of leisure and tranquillity; and though prepared, as I once told Elizabeth, to meet with folly and conceit in every other room in the house, I was used to be free from them there.

  When, therefore, Jane came in to tell me that she and Elizabeth were to accompany Lydia and Kitty on the walk to Meryton which Lydia had proposed the previous evening, I was more than grateful when she continued by asking whether Mr. Collins would like to escort them.

  “A capital idea, my dear!” I cried, “Just the sort of thing to make Mr. Collins better acquainted with the neighbourhood, and with his cousins, too. He must surely feel the need to stretch his legs after all those hours cramped up in coaches yesterday. Be sure to show him all the noteworthy sights, and do not feel constrained to hurry back.”

  I was glad to see that Mr. Collins, being in fact much better fitted for a walker than a reader, appeared extremely well pleased to close his large book, and go, and found he needed no second urging. I felt a slight anxiety lest Jane might not understand my hint about not hurrying back as readily as Elizabeth would have, but reckoned that, what with Lydia’s flighty dilatoriness and Mr. Collins’ longwinded obsequiousness, I need have little fear of interruption before the next meal drove them all back to Longbourn.

  In this I was not disappointed. It turned out that they called upon my wife’s sister in Meryton, and Mr. Collins on his return highly gratified Mrs. Bennet by admiring Mrs. Philips's manners and politeness. He protested that except Lady Catherine and her daughter, he had never seen a more elegant woman; for she had not only received him with the utmost civility, but had even pointedly included him in her invitation for the next evening, although utterly unknown to her before. Something he supposed might be attributed to his connection with them, but yet he had never met with so much attention in the whole course of his life.

  He was interrupted, however, by Lydia’s falling into her usual raptures over a new militia officer they had chanced to meet on their way. This Mr. Wickham was, as usual, possessed of all the manly virtues and beauties, and Lydia was positively dying to see him again. Lydia’s life has been so many times in similar danger that I made nothing of it, and even less about some garbled account of Jane and Lizzy’s of Mr. Bingley and his friend falling in with them, and Mr. Darcy being markedly impolite to the newcomer.

  Chapter Eighteen A Name of Power

  Mr. Collins dawdled about Longbourn all the following day, and I was set to be hard-pressed to invent errands to keep him out of my library, where he seemed to think his cloth and his duty to repair the breach caused by our fathers obliged him constantly to attend on me. I recommended him to view the dairy, the bakehouse, the stables, the icehouse. I extolled the necessity, for a prospective proprietor, of being familiar with the workings of the Home Farm. I sent Mary to show him round the garden, enjoining her to be sure to point out each and every plant and omit no detail about any specimen, including their botanical names, with an explanation of the derivation from the Latin.

  But still he kept appearing in my doorway, begging to intrude, “for nothing can be more conducive to wisdom than the study of good books.”

  By the evening I was ready to invent a Town Council meeting to escape his attentions, and when he began to protest that he could not possibly join the girls in their Aunt Philips’s party, but must stay and keep company with Mrs. Bennet and me, I was like to run mad.

  But from desperation came inspiration.

  “You are too good, Mr. Collins,” I cried, “and far too scrupulous. Your escorting our girls will ease our minds, you may be sure. And would not Lady Catherine wish you to be better acquainted with the notables of the manor which you are soon to possess? Everyone of any consequence in Meryton will be there. I am sure that Lady Catherine would wish you to meet them at the earliest opportunity.”

  “Do you think so?” he asked.

  “I am convinced of it.” I replied, “ Sir William and Lady Lucas will be there, no doubt, and you must not miss your chance of becoming acquainted with them.”

  “That is a consideration, to be sure. Do you really consider that Lady Catherine would
wish me to attend this function?”

  “She would be sorely disappointed in you if you failed to do so. She will expect more of her clergyman than that, you may rely upon it.”

  “In that case, if you are certain that my absence this evening will not incommode your lady wife and yourself, I confess that I would be greatly desirous of taking part.”

  “Pray, never think of us, Mr. Collins, but of Lady Catherine.”

  Ah, blessed name of Lady Catherine, which secured for us a few hours’ peace that evening! Which acted as a talisman for the rest of my kinsman’s stay with us, and defended us from his worst excesses! What should we have done without that as our resort?

  As it was, we spent the evening at leisure, until the return of the partygoers, when we must perforce endure the comparison of Mrs.Phillips’s best parlour to the small breakfast room at Rosings, and listen to our guest’s prosing about his evening’s activities.