Love, From A to Z

by Robin Alexander

  Grace was the queen of an aquatic parade consisting of only one boat. She sat in the seat next to Alicia at the helm wearing a yellow life jacket, and an orange life vest over it. Both were cinched tightly around her. Periodically, she would raise the bullhorn to her mouth and her voice would echo over the water as she announced, “Safety check, please come out where we can see you and know you’re all right.” Most people would honor her request; a few would open their doors and wave.

  They’d been on the water an hour, and already Alicia was growing weary. “Grandma, none of these people are in danger. Maybe you should hold off until we get into some of the areas where they might be.”

  “Speed up then,” Grace said and mopped sweat from her brow with the back of her hand.

  “I can’t, there’s debris everywhere, that’s why I have Zoe on the bow watching for something I might not see.”

  “I thought you wanted to put as much space between yourselves as possible.” Grace opened a bottle of water and took a sip. “It’s so humid and hot.”

  “I’m sure the floatation devices you’re wearing aren’t helping. I can always turn around and take you back home.”

  “Discomfort will not make me forsake my duties to my community. I may want to slap the hair off the heads of certain people in this town, but I’m not about to let them suffer on some roof where they’ve taken refuge. I know what that’s like,” Grace said firmly. “Zoe, do you need some water?”

  “No ma’am, I have a bottle, but thank you.”

  Grace lowered her voice. “She’s a polite kid, and a pretty one too. If you behave like an adult and have a civil conversation with her you might get lucky.”

  “How did you know she’s gay?” Alicia whispered.

  “I know everything, Alicia. Try to remember that.” Grace raised her bullhorn when they neared another house. “Please come out where we can see you, we’re doing a safety check.”

  “Now, I know you can see me and Julie sitting out here on this porch, Grace Seguin, you bossy busybody,” Jim Martin yelled. “Don’t you set that scowl on me, I’m older than you are and twice as mean.”

  “Julie Martin and her irritable weenie dog are safe and accounted for. We’re moving on,” Grace announced and lowered the horn. “I despise his guts.”

  “Because he shoved you into the bayou when you were twelve?” Alicia asked with a grin.

  “That was more than just a hair-pulling incident. I was wearing a new dress and he ruined it. I’d also just seen a snake swim past. He tried to kill me plain and simple.”

  “That was a murder attempt for sure, I’m so sorry your dress didn’t survive.” Alicia did her best to keep a straight face. “May it continue to rest in pieces as part of the quilt that hangs over the back of your couch.”

  Grace looked as though she was about to deliver a fiery retort, but raised her bullhorn instead when they drew close to another house. “Safety check, step out on your porch, please.” When there was no response she changed her tactic. “Free beer for those in need. It’s cold.”

  “Hey there! Hey,” Donnie Brooks yelled as he rushed onto his porch waving both hands.

  “I knew you were in there, you jackass! Consider yourself counted as safe and sound. We’re moving on!” Grace bellowed.

  “That doesn’t look good,” Zoe called out as they neared the next house.

  Alicia’s heart started pounding as she gazed at the small cabin ahead with all of its windows open. It wasn’t built up as high as most of the houses, and she could see the water covering the porch. “Finally, a good use for your horn. That’s Rusty Whitlow’s place, and his hearing is getting worse by the day.”

  Grace turned the volume up on her bullhorn and asked, “Rusty, are you in there?”

  “His boat is gone, but keep calling out to him just in case,” Alicia said as she slowed and steered toward the cabin.

  In between Grace’s shouts Zoe asked, “Are you headed for the left corner of his porch?”

  Alicia gripped the wheel tightly. “I’m fighting the current so I’ll be happy to get to any part of the porch.”

  “Fight harder, because there’s a big snake on the railing,” Zoe said.

  “Is it poisonous?” Alicia asked.

  “Excuse me, are you poisonous? Speak up, please.” Zoe waited a moment and looked over her shoulder. “He’s ignoring me, but he has a fat head. What does that tell you?”

  “He carries his weight in his upper body,” Alicia replied. “You’re a vet, you’re trained to handle snakes.”

  Zoe scrambled to the back of the boat. “I don’t handle wild, poisonous ones.”

  “I need you back up there to tie us off,” Alicia said with a laugh when she noticed the look on Zoe’s face.

  “You’re just gonna have to multitask on this one, Captain Ahab.” Zoe shook her head. “I’ve treated dogs with snake bites and it isn’t pretty.”

  “What the hell?”

  Everyone in the boat noticed Rusty poking his head out of his doorway then. “We came to get you out of here,” Alicia replied.

  Rusty squinted. “What?”

  “We’ve come to evacuate you,” Grace said through her bullhorn.

  Rusty noticed the floodwater had overtaken his porch and was nearing the door. “Well, shit! The water’s still rising.”

  “Very astute, get your things and get in our boat,” Grace said loudly, causing Alicia and Zoe to wince.

  Rusty released a heavy breath. “Gimme a minute.”

  “Got us one!” Grace nodded, looking pleased with herself. “You can take Rusty to my place. I’m opening my home as a shelter, but only bring the people I like.”

  “So that’s…what, two more people?” Alicia asked as she let the current take the boat alongside Rusty’s cabin and allowed her to throw a line over the railing.

  Grace turned to Zoe. “She’s a smartass, but a good egg.”

  “The snake seems kind of interested in your egg, because it just raised its head,” Zoe said, unable to tear her gaze from the creature.

  Rusty emerged from the cabin wearing rubber boots and threw a canvas bag into the boat before he began crawling over the railing. “That’s all you want to bring?” Alicia asked him loudly.

  “That’s all that’s important. I’ve already lost my damn truck. I would’ve moved it, but the weather guy kept saying ‘hard rain, possible flooding of roadways and low-lying areas.’ That’s our every other day forecast. He should’ve added ‘by low-lying areas I mean anything that ain’t level with the sun.’” Rusty noticed the snake. “Come on, Norbert.”

  Alicia gawked at him. “You have a water moccasin as a pet, Rusty?”

  “For some reason he likes hanging around me. He’s always on my porch sunning.”

  Rusty almost fell off the railing when Grace aimed her bullhorn at him and said, “And that’s where he’s gonna stay. My shelter doesn’t allow deadly serpents.”

  “He didn’t ask to be born one of those, but I understand. He’ll go higher if he needs to.” Rusty climbed into the boat and flopped into a seat with a loud groan.

  Zoe smiled sadly at Rusty. “I hope your place fares well.”

  “Thank you honey, but I don’t,” Rusty said with a smile. “If she’s gonna flood, I hope it’s to the roof or even better, she washes away. She’s already paid for and I’ll take the insurance money and move someplace that isn’t prone to natural disasters.”

  “Where’s that?” Zoe asked.

  Rusty thought for a moment and laughed. “Hell, I’m gonna have to leave the planet. Where’s this shelter of yours, Grace?”

  “My house. I’ll take good care of you. We’ll start with a haircut and a fresh shave, and then I’ll find you some decent clothes.” Grace wagged a finger. “This experience will make a new man out of you inside and out.”

  Alicia leaned close to Zoe and whispered, “Make sure he doesn’t jump overboard.”

  After Alicia dropped Grace and Rusty off, she called her dad
who gave her a list of people to check on. Jack, who was feeding all of the rescuers, dropped a bag of sandwiches into the boat, and Alicia went on her way as quickly as she could. “You don’t have to go with me,” Alicia said to Zoe who’d reclaimed her position at the front of the boat. “I can drop you off at the landing near your side of town. Can you get a ride from there?”

  “I want to go check on those people in case they need help.”

  “Okay.” Alicia occasionally glanced at Zoe as she navigated the bayou, or what used to be the bayou. It was all one big body of water. She didn’t want to hit her prop on any submerged piers and did her best to judge where the middle of the bayou actually was.

  “Do you see that log we’re coming up on?” Zoe asked and pointed to a roughly six-foot piece of wood bobbing in the water.

  “Good spotting. It’s not moving, so that means it’s caught on something under the surface.” Alicia slowed and carefully went around the obstruction and felt the need to attempt a civil conversation. “I know you became friends with Angela again in junior high. Do you know where she ended up when she moved away?”

  “I saw her at the high school reunion you didn’t attend. She was with a seriously big butch woman who watched me like a hawk whenever I talked to Angela. They live on the outskirts of Austin, Texas, and even though Angela didn’t admit it, they’re definitely a couple.”

  “She’s one of us,” Alicia said in amazement. “I guess that’s why we were drawn to her back then. The radar thing must truly be real. Then again, I had no idea you were on my team. You still have the girly look even though you cut your hair after graduation. You used to have some seriously big hair in school. It looked like a big, curly, brown mane.”

  Zoe glanced over her shoulder. “Your long hair and makeup won’t convince anyone you’re straight if you keep acting like you do. There are rumors about you seducing married women—I didn’t start them. Maybe you shouldn’t flirt openly when you’re at Jack’s.”

  “Sometimes, the music is loud and I move close to the people I’m talking to so I can hear them. Everybody does that, so I’m not flirting, and I have never seduced a married woman.”

  Zoe turned around and gave Alicia her full attention. “I saw you with Liz Tremont in her car at Jack’s one night, and she is married. Kissing like y’all were doing only leads to one thing. Oh, and the tint on her windows doesn’t include the windshield. You might want to remember that next time.”

  “Sorry to disappoint you, but it led me to run home. I won’t deny I was on my way to giving into temptation, but Grandma beat on one of the windows at the perfect moment. She dragged me out of that car by my ear and told me to run. I did because she’s…well, you know her. I don’t know what she said to Liz, but she stopped coming to the bar and doesn’t even look at me when we pass on the street. There won’t be a next time, but thanks for the tint tip.”

  “Why did you let it go that far with Liz that night if you don’t sleep with married women?” Zoe asked with a doubtful tone.

  “A few nights before that one, I saw Liz at the ballpark. She asked me why I seemed depressed.” Alicia stared at the water ahead. “The few times we were alone together she touched me a lot when we talked and she’d…do things that made me think she knew I was gay and she was cool with it. More than cool. I didn’t really have anyone to talk to, so I admitted I’d just broken up with my girlfriend. The night you saw us was after a really shitty day and I wanted to get trashed so—”

  “So, you’re gonna use the ‘I was drunk’ excuse?”

  “I’d only had one drink when Liz sat next to me at the bar,” Alicia replied dryly. “She said I looked like I was about to cry, and suggested we go out to her car where we could talk privately, so I went with her. I told her I’d talked to my ex who wanted me back. I knew I couldn’t go back to her, but I still wanted to and it was killing me. Liz told me she’d make me forget, and she started kissing me, and I wanted to forget so I gave in.”

  Zoe nodded. “Liz is a skilled seductress.”

  “How do you know that?” Alicia asked with her eyes narrowed.

  “Her dog likes to swallow rocks and small toys. Liz brought Bullet to my office a lot.”

  “And?” Alicia asked when Zoe didn’t offer anything else.

  “Liz is very pretty, and she has a way of making you feel…very desirable. She and Rodney had filed for divorce when she first began bringing Bullet to my office. I’d just gone through what I considered a divorce and we confided in each other, then one thing led to another.” Zoe shook her head. “I know now, that I wasn’t falling in love with her, but it felt like it then. Out of the blue one day, she told me she couldn’t see me anymore because she and Rodney were gonna work on their marriage. The very next night I saw her in that car with you. Once again, you’d gotten your claws into someone I had feelings for.”

  “I had no idea you and she had a thing,” Alicia exclaimed. “I didn’t know you had feelings for Angela either.”

  “I gave Angela my dessert every day. In third grade that’s the equivalent of an engagement ring, and you knew that! You sat right across the lunch table from us every day.”

  “She always gave you her roll. I thought y’all were trading because you really liked bread. You’re pissed off at me for things I didn’t know anything about. That’s crazy, Zoe.”

  “It is not. It doesn’t matter to me that you didn’t know, it’s your face that’s the problem.” Zoe waved her hands around. “All of magnificent you. You’re too fucking good-looking.”

  Alicia stared at Zoe for a moment. “You think I’m magnificently good-looking?”

  “I didn’t mean it as a compliment,” Zoe replied and looked as though she’d been slapped.

  “How else should I take magnificent and good-looking?” Alicia asked with a grin.

  “You do know what sarcasm is, right?”

  “Yeah, and you’re not any good at using it. You just blamed me for stealing your girls because I’m good-looking—too fucking good-looking.” Alicia narrowed her eyes as she thought. “I’d call that jealousy, not sarcasm.”

  “Shit,” Zoe said with a sigh. “I did get that wrong.” She turned around and stared at the water.

  A moment of silence passed and Alicia asked, “What part?”

  “You’re not magnificent!”

  “But I’m still good-look—”

  “Alicia! I got things jumbled up. Drop it.” Zoe blew out a breath. “Who are we supposed to be checking on?”

  “John Courtney, the Crowley’s house and Dale Guidry’s camp. We passed all three of them. John was on his porch and the house and camp are high and dry. I don’t think it’s fair that you blame me and my face for your misfortune. Angela didn’t want me for my looks, she wanted my candy, and you could’ve had some too, but you wouldn’t sit with us in the grass. Liz just wanted…my candy too.”

  Zoe shook her head. “I don’t want to talk about this anymore.”

  “Oh, don’t sit up there and act like you don’t know you’re pretty. I don’t know how it is between you and women, but you always had a flock of boys following you in school. The only reason guys halfway leave you alone at Jack’s is because you told everyone you’re engaged to some guy in the military. That lie won’t convince anyone you’re straight because no one stays engaged for ten years, Zoe. People talk about you too, you know.”

  “What do they say?”

  Alicia chewed her lip as she thought. “You were great at basketball and softball.”

  “What does—” Zoe turned around again and stared at Alicia looking confused. “What?”

  “I heard someone say you have a great ass, and another person said ‘you’re outta luck, she was one hell of a ball player.’” Alicia nodded. “You know what they think about women who are good at sports.”

  “Andrea Desmond was better than I ever was and she has screwed nearly every man within a hundred-mile radius of this town, so that’s bullshit.”

  “Yea
h, we know that, but straight people apparently think that’s a thing.” Alicia laughed sardonically. “It blows my mind that you’ve hated me all of these years because you think I stole Angela from you on purpose in the third grade.”

  Zoe stabbed a finger at Alicia. “That was the start! I apologized to you for pulling your hair in front of the whole class. Yes, my parents made me do it, but you forgave me. At recess though, you and Angela followed me into the bathroom and you pulled my hair. I didn’t even tell on you, and you’ve been a bitch to me every day since.”

  “Okay, I swear I didn’t remember doing that.” Alicia shrugged. “Now that you mention it, my memory has been jogged.”

  “You can remember Angela giving me her rolls, wanting to sit in the grass with her and eat candy, and how to get brownies out of the cafeteria ladies, but you didn’t remember until now that you assaulted me in the bathroom. That’s pretty convenient, Alicia.”

  “Well then, I guess you’re right, I am food motivated.”

  “So, what you do remember is me always being mean to innocent, little you for no reason, right?” Zoe asked.

  “You’re supposed to be looking out for debris we don’t want to hit. I do remember that.” Alicia bit her lip when Zoe whirled around. “And yeah, I gave you lots of reasons to hate me. A few minutes ago though, I did acknowledge that you’re pretty, and not only that, I complimented your hair.”

  “You said it looked like a lion’s mane.”

  “It did in school when you had the eighties lift kit in it, or whatever you used to make it that big. The point is, I was being nice and you’re still acting like a bitch.”

  “Thank you, Alicia, and I am willing to admit I think you’re a magnificent asshole.”

  “And a good-looking one?”

  “Yeah, sure. Oh, and you were awesome at volleyball, so you might want to think about that the next time you try to give out your candy to a woman at the bar. People are watching,” Zoe said over her shoulder with a smug grin.

  Alicia returned the grin. “You should give out your candy more often so you won’t be so bitchy.”