Love, From A to Z

by Robin Alexander

  Last night, you bragged about all of the women who come to your door, and yet, you’re still an asshole.” Zoe laughed. “I guess throwing your candy around like you’re in a parade isn’t the personality fix you think it is. Of course, I’d never take your advice because whenever the teacher called on you for an answer in English class your response was always nine.”

  “All right, I couldn’t handle the pressure. It wasn’t even my favorite number, and I don’t know why that is all my brain could come up with. Look, smug all you want Ms. Superior, but you didn’t even know what kind of snake that was on Rusty’s porch. At least I know my snakes, and I feel like I should share my knowledge with you. We can start with that one I see on that tree branch just up ahead.”

  Zoe jumped up and took the seat next to Alicia. “If you put me anywhere near another snake I will beat you to death and choke your ghost.”

  Alicia’s brow shot up. “It takes a deranged mind to come up with a threat like that.”

  “That’s why I’m afraid of the receptionist at my office. She threatens my ghost all the time, but I can’t fire her because she’s Dr. Hutchins’s wife and he’s my boss.” Zoe pointed a finger at Alicia. “I don’t know how to drive a boat, but run me up on a snake again and I’ll figure it out.”

  Alicia tried not to laugh, but snorted anyway. “You’re hilarious when your nostrils flare. Hold off on killing me; I have to answer this call,” she said when her phone rang. “Hey Tony—I’m on the bayou behind the ballfield.” Her expression darkened as she listened for a moment. “I’ll get on the lake where I can pick up some speed. I’ll be there soon.”

  “What is it?” Zoe asked with concern when Alicia stuffed her phone into a compartment.

  “Terrebonne Subdivision is starting to flood. They need help getting stuff out of people’s houses. I can drop you off at the cut through by the lake. Can you get a ride from there?”

  “I wanna help,” Zoe said as she reclaimed her position at the front of the boat. “Let me worry about getting home, just hurry up and get to that subdivision.”

  Chapter Three

  “I will never tell you to hurry up again, I promise,” Zoe said when Alicia ended her call with Tony.

  Alicia glared at Zoe. “You were supposed to be watching for debris.”

  “You didn’t specify underwater, and I thought of all people you’d know where the boat launch sign was.”

  “You’re right.” Alicia winced when she repositioned the gauze on her bleeding chin. “I apologize for almost killing you and being a bitch about it.”

  Zoe pursed her lips as she regarded Alicia’s forlorn expression. “I was uncomfortably hot and the swim cooled me off. I wasn’t even mad when you grabbed me by my hair and vest and threw me into the boat like the catch of the day. You saved me.” She opened another package of gauze and pressed it against the one she’d already applied to Alicia’s chin. “Don’t worry, our faces always bleed a lot, so it’s not as bad as it seems. You’ll need a few stitches in your chin, but I can save you a trip to the hospital and close it up with some strips we have at the clinic. I’d love to stitch you, but I’m not licensed to treat humans.”

  “I really don’t want to go to the hospital, but there was a gleam in your eyes when you said you’d love to stitch me. I have a feeling you’ll sew my lips together.” Alicia noticed the caller ID on her phone when it rang and handed it to Zoe. “Please, I can’t talk to my dad right now, and he’ll panic if someone doesn’t answer. Your first words have to be ‘we’re okay, and the boat isn’t sinking.’”

  “We’re okay, and we’re not sinking, but the motor is missing and the back of the metal boat is kind of shaped like a spout,” Zoe said when she answered the call.

  Jim was talking so loudly that Alicia could hear him. “What happened?” he asked excitedly.

  “There was a sign underwater at the landing; we couldn’t see it and we hit it,” Zoe replied. “I’ve always thought it was made of wood, but apparently it was solid steel.”

  “Why didn’t Alicia answer my call?” Jim asked.

  Zoe handed Alicia another packet of gauze. “She has a cut on her chin, and it probably hurts to talk.”

  “Oh God.” Jim released a shuddering breath. “Are you trying to tell me she broke her jaw?”

  “Oh, no! That was working really well a little while ago when she was cussing and screaming. She just has a cut on her chin, I swear.”

  “I need to hear her voice. Would you put her on?” Jim asked.

  Zoe pulled the phone from her ear and held it out to Alicia. “He’s worried, he needs to hear your voice.”

  Alicia sighed and took the phone. “Hey Dad.”

  “Honey, how are you?”

  “Humiliated, full of shame and disgust, otherwise fine,” Alicia replied dryly. “I have the bow facing the current and we’re tied off and safe. Take care of the people you’re helping first. We have food and plenty of water. We’re just hanging out here at the landing that is now part of the lake.”

  Jim sighed with relief. “Tell me what happened again?”

  “I was going too fast, and the water’s so high here that I lost my bearings on where the lake ended and the shore began.” Alicia gazed at a bulge in the bottom of the boat. “I lost control when the boat began to scrape along the top of the sign and lifted us out of the water a bit. We were at an odd angle when the motor made contact, and it was ripped off. That caused the bow to pitch and catapult Zoe into the water. It slung me around and I lost my grip on the wheel. I flew into something and busted my chin. It happened in a split second and I’m assuming that’s how it all happened, judging by all of the damage.”

  “Zoe’s okay though.”

  “Yeah, she was wearing a life vest and the current brought her right back to me, and I was able to get her into the boat,” Alicia replied, sounding tense.

  Zoe leaned close to Alicia. “She made a lasso and hooked the top of a dead tree sticking out of the water. You should’ve seen her, she was so fast!” Zoe gestured wildly as she spoke. “The whole time blood was pouring out of—”

  Alicia turned away from Zoe. “She thought water was pouring in, but it came in when we first pitched up. That’s been handled, we’re fine.”

  “All right, listen, I’m hauling a boatload of people and stuff right now. As soon as I get them to safety, I’ll come for you,” Jim said worriedly. “I’m gonna see if there’s anyone close to you that I can send, so if they get to you before I do, be sure and let me know.”

  “Dad, I swear we’re fine. Just pay attention to what you’re doing so you don’t end up with the back of your boat looking like a spout. Zoe and I are gonna hang out and eat some sandwiches. I’m just sorry I messed up and added to the problem when I could be helping.”

  “You know this has happened to so many of us, and not just when we’re navigating floodwaters. We’ll visit the repair shop and you’ll feel better when you see all of the busted hulls, shredded propellers, and twisted motors.” Jim’s chuckle sounded forced. “All right, let me start calling up some people. I’ll see you soon, love. Oh! You know how it is when your adrenaline gets going, are you sure Zoe wasn’t hurt?”

  Alicia grimaced when Zoe leaned close to her again and shouted, “I’m fine. This is the most excitement I’ve had since a box of pet rats escaped in the waiting room of the office. See you soon.”

  “I’m sure you’ve noticed my parents are very overprotective. If my mom calls, please don’t mention gushing blood, or we’ll be surrounded by helicopters,” Alicia said after the call ended.

  “Sorry. I’m still a little pumped up from all of the excitement. It happened so fast I didn’t realize what was going on until you dragged me into the boat. You were bleeding, but still doing a million things at once, and I’m…” Zoe shrugged. “I’m impressed, and I’m thankful you saved me. I was so stunned I didn’t even think to swim.”

  “We might not have been so lucky if you hadn’t been wearing a life jack
et,” Alicia said with a pained expression. “I really did almost kill you.”

  Zoe smiled. “Are you frowning because of that missed opportunity?”

  Alicia didn’t smile or laugh at the joke. “No.”

  “Stop moving the bandages, you’ll disturb the clot and start bleeding again.” Zoe took another piece of gauze and a roll of tape from the first-aid kit. “I’m going to fix it so you won’t have to hold it.”

  Alicia sat as still as she could while Zoe tended to her. “You smell like the lake, and your hair is starting to look like a mane again.”

  “You smell like sweat and the outdoors.” Alicia smiled. “I bet I look more like Medusa. The only time I’ve ever been happy with my hair was in the eighties when big and curly was the style. The nineties have screwed me over because short and straight is the thing now, and that’s not gonna happen for me.”

  “Your hair is short, it’s barely touching your shoulders. It used to hang down to the small of your back. You were really skinny in school and your hair was too big for your body. Now, all of you is in proportion.”

  Zoe stopped working on Alicia’s chin and met her gaze. “I really don’t know if you’re trying to insult or compliment me.”

  “I’m saying your hair looks great, and even though I was kinda jealous of it in school I think it looks better now.”

  “Well, thanks. You hair is gorgeous with all of the different shades of light and dark blond in it, and since we’re making confessions I’m jealous of it now. It scared me when were in grade school though. It was that white-looking blond and with your light blue eyes you looked like an ancient arctic creature chipped out of a block of ice,” Zoe said and went back to work on taping Alicia’s chin.

  “Okay, I can see how you got confused by my compliment. You know, I’ve always thought your eyes were brown, but with you this close to my face I can see that they’re hazel or…dark hazel if that’s a thing. They’re pretty.”

  “You have to quit talking so much. You’re making me hit a moving target with this tape. Your eyes aren’t scary anymore now that your hair has gotten much darker. I think they’re pretty.” Zoe laughed. “It’s either about to start raining pigs, or we’re about to die because we’re complimenting each other.”

  “It’s a miracle in itself that I let you touch my torn-up face. Now that I’m no longer magnificently good-looking, are you still gonna hate me?” Alicia asked when Zoe was finished working on her.

  Zoe sighed. “I have a feeling you’ll always be good-looking no matter what. You disgust me.” She moved away quickly and opened the compartment where Alicia had stored the sandwiches and opened the bag. “Everything in here looks as though it survived the crash.”

  “Well, this is really gonna disgust you, I expected you to accidentally bump the gash in my chin while you were bandaging it. Instead, you were careful to avoid it, and you were very gentle.”

  Zoe handed Alicia a sandwich and a bottle of water. “I love animals, and I pretended you were one.” She couldn’t help but smile when Alicia burst out laughing.

  “I think deep down inside you want to like me.”

  “Yes, it’s very deep down in my lower intestines.” Zoe took a seat on the bench across from Alicia and opened her sandwich. “Do you think that because you want to like me?”

  “I’m fighting it really hard, but your sense of humor is winning me over,” Alicia said as she opened her sandwich and picked off the lettuce.

  “The last time you wanted to call a truce you offered me a small gift-wrapped box, and I didn’t take it because it smelled of cat shit. I can’t help but be wary.”

  “We were kids then. We’re almost thirty now, although I think you’re a few months closer than I am to that birthday. Don’t you think we’re old enough to be friends now, or at least civil?” Alicia asked sincerely.

  Zoe nodded. “Yeah.”

  “No smartass follow-up, just yeah?”

  “Well, I was going to add giving you dirty looks is causing lines on my face, but I don’t truly have any hard feelings for you anymore. I think we bicker and we’re rude to each other because we’ve been in the habit of it since we were little. I’ve known you longer than some of my closest friends.” Zoe stared at her sandwich. “The ironic thing is, I think if something happened to you, I’d feel a sense of loss.”

  “Now you know why I was upset about almost killing you. But we don’t really know each other. Why’d you and your ex break up?”

  “Right to the really personal stuff, huh?” Zoe asked with a suspicious tone.

  Alicia shrugged. “That’s the stuff we don’t know. My ex cheated on me, and here’s the really humiliating part, I took her back after the first time.”

  “Mine did too, but I couldn’t take her back. I’m not trying to make you feel bad because you gave yours a second chance, Wren made it clear I wouldn’t be happy if I did.”

  “I’ve never had good experiences with women named after birds. I dated one named Robin and she turned out to be a real pecker.” Alicia raised her right hand. “That was a good joke, but I’m dead serious. The other one I went out with was named June Sparrow, I think her parents were hippies. June couldn’t remember when we had plans to go out. She wouldn’t be home when I’d get there to pick her up, and she’d call me the next day and claim she got her nights confused. I don’t think seeing me was high on her list of priorities.”

  “How often did that happen?”

  “Twice.” Alicia sighed. “Apparently, I have to be pecked two times before my common sense kicks in. So, what happened with Wren?”

  “She was one of the most easy-going women I’ve ever known. Whatever I did was fine with her. I’d go out with friends and if I’d been drinking I’d stay over with one of them and Wren’s casual response would always be ‘that’s fine.’ It was always ‘that’s fine.’ One morning over breakfast I told her I had been invited to a spur-of-the-moment birthday party after work. It was in Baton Rouge and I’d probably stay over there with people I knew. I even asked if she wanted to come, but she told me she’d picked up an extra shift at the hospital that night. She’s a nurse. Anyway, I had a sense that something wasn’t right even though she treated me like a queen. I set her up. I didn’t go to the party, I borrowed a car she wouldn’t recognize and I followed her to the house of a mutual friend, Jeri. I spent the night parked at the curb until Wren left around five o’clock the next morning. After I swapped back into my car I went home. I asked Wren about her shift and she told me it’d been really busy and she even made up a story about a confrontation with a patient’s family. I was furious and I told her I’d spent the night in front of Jeri’s house. Wren admitted she was involved with her and had been for some time. She claimed she was in love with both of us and couldn’t bear to let either of us go. That’s why she was fine with me not coming home because she thought I was seeing someone else too. I wasn’t,” Zoe said angrily and bit into her sandwich.

  “Oh my God,” Alicia said, wide-eyed. “How much did you party?”

  “About six times during our two-year relationship. She worked a shitload of overtime though, and most of it wasn’t at the hospital because she couldn’t only love me.”

  “That sucks. We both picked women who couldn’t be satisfied with just us. It’s not uncommon though. A lot of people can’t be satisfied with just one partner. I just want one though, a good one,” Alicia said before she finally took a bite of her sandwich and grimaced.

  “It hurts to chew, doesn’t it? I noticed you were talking mostly with your teeth clamped.”

  Alicia swallowed with a gulp. “I’m gonna have to pinch off little pieces with my dirty fingers.”

  “Want me to chew it up for you first and spit it into your mouth like a momma bird?”

  “As exotic and exciting as that sounds, no, you might forget we’re on friendly terms and bite me on the chin,” Alicia replied and smiled tightly.

  “Damn. That’s exactly what I was planning to do. Desp
ite all the things stacked in the back of this boat next to its new spout that I could use as a weapon, I was going to bite your bloody gauze,” Zoe said sarcastically. “Come on, let me feed you.” She began moving her neck back and forth like a bird. “I’ve got all the moves, just open your—” Zoe’s mouth fell open and she blinked rapidly when a piece of lettuce hit her arm and stuck.

  “Sorry, I don’t know how that flew out of my hand. You should wear lettuce more often, it brings out the green in your eyes,” Alicia said between fits of laughter and groans of pain.

  “Well, I guess I deserved that since you don’t like bird women. Don’t worry about retaliation, I’m too hungry to throw any of my food at you.” Zoe took a bite of her sandwich and looked around as she chewed. “Have you ever wanted to do anything aside from drive a boat for a living?”

  “No,” Alicia replied defensively. “I don’t just drive a boat. Do you know what kind of training it takes to become a licensed maritime pilot or to captain a boat crew? Don’t even get me started on what it took to get the guys on my first crew to respect me. Not only did being a woman work against me, but I’m the daughter of the owner of the company. No one thought I’d earned the right to be at the helm even though I’d been on deck since my teens hauling in shrimp nets. Did you think I’m an idiot because I didn’t go to college like you did?”

  “I asked because it’s your family’s business, and I wondered if you felt obligated to be in it too. No, I don’t think you’re an idiot even though I called you one for most of your life. You always did well on tests in the classes we had together. I studied extra hard because I wanted to be able to prove I was smarter than you were. You’re probably the reason I scored so high on my ACT test and got into the college I wanted to attend.”

  “I’m the reason you’re a veterinarian. I’ll take that, and you’re welcome,” Alicia said with a nod.

  “I do know what it takes to be a marine pilot. When they had a party for you at the bar after you got your license I did a little research because I was curious. I know you had to learn about weather, tides, maritime laws, safety, and a lot of other stuff I didn’t understand because of the terminology. You also had to drive a boat for a long time with someone watching over your every move.” Zoe blew out a breath. “I know this isn’t an accurate comparison, but when I got my driver’s learner permit my mom cried out to Jesus so much I hated getting behind the wheel of a car. Anyway, I was impressed that you became a pilot.”