A Past Forgiven

by Lorana Hoopes

  Though still new to praying, Jess turned her fears over to God. He would know how to soften this situation with Chad. “Lord, I’m so new I'm not sure if you deal with stuff like this, but I think I messed up. I am not even sure how I feel about Chad now, but I have to see him twice a week, and I’m asking for strength not to fall into temptation again and for peace. Help me get through this semester. Amen.”

  Jess was glad Emily wasn’t in the room as the prayer felt awkward. Did it get easier with time? She’d never been a big fan of public speaking and praying aloud seemed similar, but as stilted as her prayer might have been, a measure of peace blanketed her when her eyes opened.

  Chad wasn’t in the lecture hall when Jess arrived, and she sighed a breath of relief as she slid into a chair at the back. It was short lived though, as when he walked into the room, her heart thudded in her chest. Why was she still so attracted to him? Was it because they had been intimate or was there something more?

  Dropping her gaze to her paper, Jess found she could concentrate on the lecture a little more if she didn’t watch him. Still, every once in a while, he would say a word that would trigger a memory in her head and send heat across her cheeks. Would she ever be able to get him out of her head?

  “Hey, I saw you at Indiana Avenue Baptist yesterday, right?”

  The voice startled her, and Jess looked up in surprise at the guy in front of her. With her focus on avoiding Chad’s gaze as she gathered her books together, she hadn’t noticed this stranger approach as the rest of the students filed out.

  “Uh, yeah,” she responded as she stood and slung the backpack over her shoulder. “It was my first week.”

  “I wondered,” he said with a smile. “I didn’t think I had seen you there before. I’m Randall, by the way.”

  As Jess took his hand, her gaze wandered down front to find Chad staring at them. Their eyes locked for a moment before he shoved the rest of his papers in his satchel and exited the side door. A part of her wanted to run after him, but the more rational part realized it was better this way. Perhaps Randall was her answer to prayer as a way to avoid temptation.

  “Uh, Jess,” she said, focusing her attention back on the dude in front of her. “I’m Jess.”

  “So, did you like it?” he asked as they walked out of the row towards the door.

  “Yeah, I did,” Jess said. “I’m new to church but it was nice there, and my roommate Emily Peters attends there.”

  His eyes lit up. “Oh yeah, I know Emily. She played on the church softball team last spring.”

  “The church has a softball team?” Jess asked as the two stepped into the sunshine.

  “Yep, and a volleyball team during the winter. Can you serve?”

  “I don’t know,” she said with a laugh. The truth was, she'd never given sports a chance in high school. She had wanted to avoid the camaraderie that generally went along with team sports as she had wanted no one finding out about her home life. Plus, she had never known when her mother would be sober and allow her to attend games or be drunk and forbid it.

  He raised his eyebrow at the response and Jess shook her head. “It’s a long story,” she said. “Suffice to say, I didn’t play any sports in high school, so I have no idea if I’m good at any of them.”

  “Well, you should definitely try out this year then,” he said. “We have a lot of fun.”

  “I’ll think about it,” she agreed. “I’m this way.” Jess pointed to the right where the math building lay.

  Disappointment filled his brown eyes. “Oh, I’m this way.” He pointed to the left. “Well, it was nice to see you again, Jess, and I guess I’ll see you Wednesday, right?”

  “I’ll be there,” she said and returned his wave before he walked away. As she continued to the math building, she found herself wondering if Randall’s interest had been purely platonic or if he were interested in her. Having never had a “normal” relationship, Jess found she had no idea how it was supposed to work. Her history had always been find a man, hook up, repeat. She would have to ask Emily how to navigate these new, unfamiliar waters.

  A feeling of jealousy welled up in Chad’s stomach as he watched the boy interact with Jess. He shouldn’t be jealous as he hadn’t called her in a week. Plus, if she were willing to jump into bed with him, she had probably already found someone to take his place, but the feeling remained.

  Maybe he should have answered her question. What did he care if she knew his favorite food was Chicken Alfredo? The truth was - he didn’t. He had been scared. Scared that she wanted a relationship that he wasn’t ready for. Was he? Frustrated, he shoved his papers in the satchel and stormed out the side door. A cigarette, that’s what he needed.

  As the door closed behind him with a soft click, he dropped his satchel and leaned against the brick wall. He snaked a cigarette and his lighter out of his pocket and flicked the flame on. The calming effect was nearly immediate.

  What was wrong with him? He didn’t need to be developing feelings for some girl. But Jess wasn’t just some girl. She intrigued him in a way no woman had in years, and he didn’t even know why. What he did know was that she occupied his thoughts a lot, more than he wanted, but falling for her meant opening up a side of himself he had closed off with Kyle’s death.

  Ever since Amy's call, Chad’s life had been in a tailspin and going home had only made it worse. The journal from Kyle, seeing his sister, and attending church had all stirred up feelings and emotions he thought he had long ago buried.

  The cigarette burned to a nub, stinging his fingers. With a curse, he dropped it to the ground and smashed it into the dirt with his toe. He needed answers before he could really process his feelings.

  Chapter 11

  Avoiding Chad grew a little easier after that. Though he often popped into Jess’s head, she found ways to fill her time to avoid focusing on him. Her job kept her busy for one, and on Friday nights, she attended the Bible Study with Emily. The roommates had also started a Saturday movie night to keep them both out of trouble. Plus, Randall started sitting next to her in class and walking her out each day.

  “I ought to like him, right?” Jess asked Emily as she pulled the popcorn bag from the microwave and opened it. The sweet buttery smell of the popcorn filled the air as a cloud of steam billowed from the bag. Careful not to burn her fingers, Jess tilted the bag until the oily, yellow kernels filled the metallic bowl. Though she loved microwaved popcorn, she had never liked eating it directly out of the bag due to the residue it left on her hand. Plus, it was harder to share that way.

  “You want my honest opinion?”

  “Of course.”

  “Well, just because he’s nice and a Christian doesn’t mean you’ll be attracted to him,” Emily said as she popped the DVD in the player. Jess had rented When Love Returns, the small town love story from the Redbox at the Student Union before leaving work for the day. “If we were attracted to every Christian man, that would be a mess. I mean if that were the case, I’d be attracted to Jared and Chase and…”

  “You mean you aren’t?” Jess teased her. “I’ve seen the way you look at Jared.”

  “No way,” she said with an adamant shake of her head. “Jared and I are just friends. We tried dating last year, but it didn’t work out. Besides, he likes this new girl, Amanda. Anyway, it’s not about liking Randall exactly; it’s about finding a guy with those qualities. Someone of faith who loves the Lord.”

  Jess joined Emily on the bed and placed the bowl between them. “I guess you’re right. I just feel bad. Like I should be attracted to him, but honestly… I can’t get Chad out of my head.”

  “Is that the guy I walked in on?” Emily asked with a raised eyebrow.

  “Yes,” Jess said slowly and then continued in a hurry before Emily could interrupt, “I know it’s wrong - that he’s wrong for me, but thoughts of him just keep flying in, even when I don’t want them there.”

  “Have you tried praying about it?” Emily asked.

&nb
sp; “All the time,” Jess said with a sigh. “It’s probably selfish, but I was really hoping God would make me magically forget how attracted to him I was. It hasn’t happened yet.”

  Emily popped a kernel in her mouth and chewed slowly. “Well, have you tried praying for him?”

  “What?”

  “Pray for him,” she said. “He is in your life for a reason. He may not be healthy for you right now, but maybe God’s plan was to have you be a seed in his journey to redemption. I also think you should avoid relationships for a bit anyway. Get to know yourself and what you really want before trying to blend your life with someone else’s.”

  As the movie began, Jess leaned back against the wall and pondered Emily’s words. She was right that Jess needed to find herself, but she didn’t understand how she could be a seed for anyone’s redemption. There was still so much in her past she was ashamed of.

  “Thank you for meeting me,” Chad said as he sat across from the chaplain. Not being a church goer, Chad was unfamiliar with the pastors in the area, but he knew the campus had a chaplain on staff.

  “Of course,” the man said. He was older, with salt and pepper hair and laugh lines around his eyes. “What can I do for you?”

  “I have some questions,” Chad said. “About God.”

  “Well, that is my specialty,” the man said with a smile, “but I don’t claim to know everything. Only God does that. Still, I’ll be happy to answer what I can.”

  “Why does God allow suffering?” Chad asked.

  “Ah,” the chaplain said, “that is a common question. The truth is that we don’t know the answer. God allows free will and because there is sin in the world, often that free will leads to suffering for others.”

  “But why would he take someone good? See, my brother had a heart for God unlike me. He was a true believer. So why would God take him instead of me?”

  “Oh, son, I’m sorry you lost your brother, but God doesn’t work like that. Your brother was affected by someone else’s free will, and sometimes that means bad things happen to good people. But, it sounds like your brother was prepared to meet God.”

  “But couldn’t God have stopped it? Couldn’t he just have kept my brother from getting killed?” Chad pushed.

  The chaplain sat back in his brown leather chair. “I suppose he could have, but let me ask you this - if your brother were still alive, would you be here in my office?”

  “What do you mean?” Chad asked.

  “You said your brother was a true believer. I take that to mean you weren’t, that you acted as if you were, but you weren’t really, am I right?”

  Chad shrugged, not liking where this was going all of a sudden. “I guess. I mean I attended church, but I wasn’t dedicated like Kyle was.”

  “So, am I safe in assuming if your brother was still alive that you would still be on that path? Talking the talk but not walking the walk?”

  “Are you saying my actions got my brother killed?”

  “Not at all, but I am saying that we don’t know God’s plan. We only see the lower story, what’s happening down here. But God sees a much larger plan from his viewpoint.”

  Chad sat back and thought about the chaplain’s words. Could it be that his anger had been misplaced?

  As if reading his mind, the chaplain leaned forward again and said, “You know God understands when we are angry with him. It doesn’t make Him love us any less, and He is still waiting to accept us with open arms when we are ready to come home.”

  Chad nodded as he thanked the chaplain and headed out of the office. Kyle’s last few journal entries had been about wishing Chad would renew his relationship with Jesus. Could he do that? Could he get over his anger at God and be the man that his brother had hoped he would become? And what about his lifestyle, would that have to change too? And where did Jess fit into all of this? Chad had come to the chaplain for answers, but he was leaving with a lot of questions too.

  Chapter 12

  The next morning, Jess awoke with a start. Something was wrong, but she couldn’t put a finger on it. It was dark for one thing. As she didn’t have classes until the afternoon, she rarely woke before the sun, but that wasn’t the main issue. Today was Sunday and there were no classes anyway.

  As Jess tried to focus on what had woken her up, her stomach seized, and she suddenly knew. Throwing back the covers, she vaulted out of bed and rushed to the sink. She would never make it to the bathroom down the hall in time. This would have to do. With a final clench, her stomach heaved its contents into the sink.

  When the sickness subsided, Jess rinsed the sink and her mouth out and then splashed cool water on her face.

  “Jess, are you okay?” Emily mumbled from her side of the room. “What time is it?”

  “Early,” Jess answered. “Go back to sleep. It must have been something I ate. I’ll be fine.” But as she walked back to her bed, she wondered if that were true. With a cast iron stomach, Jess couldn’t remember the last time any food had made her sick.

  The sunlight peeked in the next time Jess opened her eyes. Emily still slept on the opposite side of the room. Saturdays and Sundays were the only days Emily could sleep in, though to her that meant eight am and not Jess’s idea of nearly noon. The room lay quiet aside from her rhythmic breathing. Jess paused for a moment, testing her stomach, but it appeared to have settled.

  She pushed back the covers before sitting up slowly and planting her feet on the floor. So far so good, but as she stood, her stomach clenched again, and she hurried to the sink a second time. What was wrong with her? She hadn’t thrown up this much since…

  Her eyes widened, and she raced back to her bed, grabbing the backpack from the floor and pawing through it for her birth control pills. Her mother had put her on them at sixteen when she found out about the miscarriage. Jess suffered through her mother’s lecture on safe sex, but couldn't find the courage at the time to tell her the baby was Jim's. After all, she hadn’t believed Jess when she’d told her mother he touched her, why would she have believed that? And the pill opened the door to other men after that, ones Jess could choose to help her forget her stepfather, if only for a time.

  Jess’s fingers grasped the package, and she pulled it out, flipping over the cover. All the pills had been taken, no gap existed in the line. A sigh of relief escaped her lips. What would she have done if she were pregnant? So as not to forget, she popped out the pill for today and froze. Today’s pill was labeled Saturday, but it was Sunday morning. Had she skipped it yesterday? No, she remembered taking the pill shortly after waking up yesterday. Friday, then?

  With a sinking feeling, Jess plopped down onto the bed as she realized she had no idea when she’d missed a pill. This pack or last? In fact, she couldn’t even remember if she’d had her period with the last pack. Typically regular like clockwork and light enough that she barely noticed it, she had stopped charting her period and just known it would hit when the pills changed color. Unfortunately, now she couldn’t place having one in the last month which meant there was a very real chance her “sickness” was morning sickness.

  Across the room, Emily stirred and stretched in her bed. “You feeling better?” she asked, her voice still fuzzy with sleep.

  Jess couldn’t tell her. She wanted to, but she couldn’t. The need to process the situation seemed more important. “Um, not so much,” Jess said. “I think I’ll have to skip church today. I don’t want to get anyone else sick.”

  “That bad, huh?” She tugged a hand through the tangled blonde mess on her head.

  “Yeah, I think I’m going to try to sleep this off, whatever it is.” She hated lying. The first thing she planned to do when Emily left was head to the campus drugstore for a pregnancy test. Hopefully they would be open on Sundays.

  “Do you want me to get anything for you while I’m out?” she asked as she gathered up her shower items.

  “No, I’m sure it will go away on its own.” Or with some help, she thought.

  C
had looked at his reflection in the mirror and wondered again what he was doing. Attending church two weeks in a row was a foreign concept to him, but he couldn’t shake the sensation he needed to be there. He had no idea where there was though. Lubbock was one of the most churched cities in Texas. You could barely go three blocks without running into one.

  After asking around, he found Indiana Avenue promoted a strong college program and that many students from the University attended there, so he had picked that as his first choice to try. If he didn’t find what he needed there, he would try another church the next week. The only problem was Chad didn’t know what he needed or what he was looking for, but he felt sure he would know it when he found it.

  The parking lot teemed with college aged students when he arrived. He maneuvered the Harley into a spot and turned off the key.

  Chad joined the throng of people funneling into the entrance and found himself in a large foyer. Ahead he could see the open doors of the sanctuary and he continued that direction, finding an empty seat near the back. He stowed his helmet under the chair and then perused the brochure he had been handed at the door.

  When the music started, he glanced up and realized the room had filled up around him. Empty seats remained though not many. Most of the surrounding people stood as they sang. Self-consciously, he rose though he didn’t know the words to a few of the songs.

  Relief flooded Chad when the pastor took the stage and the congregation sat. However, that relief was short-lived as the pastor began to speak on being different from the world.

  “You see, Jesus called us to be in the world but separate from it. However, that has gotten much harder with technology. TV and movies tell us that smoking, drinking, cursing, cheating, and intimacy outside of marriage are not only okay but the norm. And the media assaults us with the mantra that if it feels good, we should do it, that God would want us to be happy. But the truth is, God wants us to be holy.