A Past Forgiven

by Lorana Hoopes

  “Now some of you may ask yourselves, ‘But doesn’t God forgive our sins if we ask?’ The answer is He does, but mercy and grace were never meant to be an excuse to sin. It was to save us with the expectation we would then turn away from our sin. Remember he told the woman at the well to ‘go and sin no more.’ He expects the same from us, and it’s hard, but if we love Christ, we should want to be different.”

  He paused and scanned the crowd. “Some of you may be wondering what to do now because you have already started down a path created by the world and not by God. The answer is to repent, to turn away from your sin, and to follow Jesus.”

  As the preacher ended the sermon with prayer, Chad felt the weight of his sins bearing down on him. He had been doing nearly everything the preacher spoke on. Chad knew what he needed to do, but he wasn’t ready yet. Something held him back from fully re-committing his life to Jesus, and as he walked outside the building and mounted his motorcycle again, the pastor’s words began to fade and with them the sense of urgency.

  Jess stared at the small plastic stick. Though she had been nearly positive she was pregnant, seeing the two blue lines confirming it still elicited a shock. What was she going to do now? She hadn’t even spoken to Chad in weeks; she had little money and no way to raise a baby. As much as she didn’t want to think about it, abortion seemed like the best option. It would allow her to have the fresh start she was looking for and she wouldn’t have to tell Emily…

  No. Correction. She could never tell Emily. Emily would not understand, but Emily was not in her shoes.

  The sound of a key in the door snapped Jess back to reality, and she shoved the stick under some clothes on her bed mere seconds before Emily entered the room.

  “Hey, Jess, are you feeling any better?”

  “A little,” Jess said which wasn’t a total lie. She had been able to keep down food the last hour. Still, guilt crept in for not telling Emily the whole truth. “How was church?”

  “Really good. The pastor spoke on not following what the world says and standing strong in faith.”

  “It sounds like a good one,” Jess said. “I’m sorry I missed it.” Inside though, Jess was glad she’d missed it. She felt guilty enough about her plan to have an abortion. Listening to the pastor would have probably made it worse. She just needed to take care of it this week and then she could repent and really focus on doing God’s will.

  Chapter 13

  Jess slipped out of bed as quietly as possible. She would have to come up with some excuse to explain to Emily where she'd gone when she returned, but she had to get this taken care of before she lost her nerve.

  Last night, she'd researched abortion clinics on her phone and found the closest one lay in Fort Worth - six hours away. Unfortunately, Jess didn’t have a car, so she also looked into buses. The earliest one left at six am, so she'd set the alarm for five and turned it to the quietest setting she dared. She wasn’t sure if the alarm had woken her, or if she’d never gone to sleep the night before.

  Jess grabbed her toothbrush, toothpaste, wallet, jacket, and shoes and slipped out of the room. Having slept in the clothes she planned to wear today to cut down on the chances of waking Emily, she now padded silently to the bathroom to brush her teeth and pull on her shoes.

  Five minutes later, Jess pushed open the dorm doors and trekked across the dark campus to the bus stop. The street lamps cast an eerie glow across the grass as the sun was not yet out, and a sense of relief filled Jess when the small bus shelter came into view. She huddled in the corner, pulling her knees to her chest to combat the cold and waited for the bus to arrive.

  Chad thought about what he would say to Jess as he crossed the campus. He’d spent the previous evening thinking about Kyle and his own life. Though not sure he was ready to commit - either to Jesus or to a relationship - he needed to apologize to Jess for his behavior. Plus, he wanted to see if she still wanted to hang out, so they could get to know each other this time.

  As he neared the Psychology building, a female figure near the side door caught his eye. Could it be Jess waiting for him? Was she having second thoughts as well? But when the girl turned, he realized it was not Jess.

  His heart sank as the distance closed, and he realized the girl was Jess’s uptight roommate.

  “Have you seen her?” the girl asked when he was within ear shot.

  “Not yet, but class is about to start. She should be here soon.”

  “Can I come in and wait for her?” Worry lines creased the girl’s pretty face.

  “Why? What’s wrong?” Chad asked as a sinking sensation filled his stomach.

  “I don’t know.” The girl tucked a strand of hair behind her ears. “Maybe nothing, but she was gone this morning when I got up. She’s never gone. She sleeps until noon. And yesterday she was sick, throwing up, and she skipped church. I’m just worried about her.”

  “Maybe she was still sick this morning and she left early so she wouldn’t wake you,” Chad offered, but in his heart, he didn’t think that was the case, and now a seed of worry joined the sinking sensation, creating a churning nauseous feeling.

  “Can I just check?” she continued. “I’ll leave if she’s not there, but will you tell her to call me if she shows up after I’m gone?”

  “Sure, yeah. Come on,” Chad said, opening the door for her. The two scanned the crowd, but Jess was nowhere to be seen. Chad dug a paper and pen out of his satchel, scrawled his number on the paper, and handed it to the girl. “Text me, so I have your number, and I’ll text back whether or not she shows up.”

  “Thank you.” The girl took the paper from him, scanned the crowd with worried eyes one last time, and then turned and exited the room.

  Chad took out his supplies for class, but his mind was elsewhere. Where was Jess? And was she okay? It would be a long hour.

  Jess looked at Emily’s number flashing across her caller ID and sighed. Emily had been calling every hour since seven am. She should have known Emily would worry about her. Maybe she should have left a note or maybe she could text and at least let Emily know she was ok. But what would she say?

  “Boy troubles?”

  Jess looked up at the woman next to her who had spoken. Kind brown eyes stared back at her from a weathered and wrinkled face. The woman had to be in her seventies.

  “No, my roommate,” Jess said. “I left without telling her this morning and she’s worried about me.”

  “Ah,” the woman said with a knowing nod. “Why don’t you just tell her where you’re at?”

  “I…” Jess didn’t know. Emily couldn’t stop her now even if she told her, but the truth was Jess never wanted Emily to know what she was doing, and she had no lie concocted yet.

  “It’s the secrets that hurt us the most,” the woman said, and sadness clouded her eyes. “I remember my Maggie used to be so carefree until her secrets festered inside her. Then she grew distant and she stopped coming around.”

  “What happened to her?” The words slipped out of Jess’s mouth. She didn’t want to engage this woman in conversation, but she wanted to know.

  “She took her own life a year ago. In her suicide note, she wrote how she couldn’t handle the guilt of what she’d done, and she hoped God would forgive her for taking another’s life.”

  Jess’s hand flew to her mouth. “She killed someone?”

  “A teenage girl,” the woman said. “She was driving drunk and ran a red light. She served over a year in prison, but she sobered up while she was inside. I wish she had told me when she got out how she was feeling. I know what she did was wrong, but every life is precious to God.”

  A new wave of guilt washed over Jess and she wished she had never conversed with the elderly woman. As her phone buzzed again, Jess reached for the power button, but her eyes landed on the caller ID screen and she paused. The number flashing this time was not Emily’s but Chad’s. Why was he calling her?

  Jess let the call go to voicemail and then listened to the message
. “Jess? It’s Chad. Your roommate came looking for you. She’s worried about you and frankly so am I. Where are you? At least let us know you’re okay, please?”

  The tone in his voice was the last straw. Tears spilled out of Jess’s eyes and coursed down her cheek. What was she doing? She couldn’t have an abortion; she hadn’t even told Chad she was pregnant.

  “Are you all right, dear?” the woman asked.

  Jess shook her head. “I’m not, but as soon as I can get off this bus I will be. Thank you for sharing your story with me. I…. I’m pregnant and I was headed to Fort Worth to have an abortion, but your story and that call…. That was the baby’s father. He doesn’t even know…”

  “Are you a believer, my dear?” the woman asked with tears in her eyes.

  “I’m almost ashamed to say I am after what I was considering,” Jess said, “but I’m very new to this.”

  “My daughter was a believer too when she had her accident,” the woman said. “I think it’s what made her guilt even worse. I prayed often for her to come back to me and when she didn’t, I was angry for a time at God. But then He showed me that good things can come out of tragedies, and so I began to pray that Maggie’s story would help others. He answered my prayers today.”

  At that, more tears escaped Jess’s eyes and the two women hugged and prayed together before the bus stopped and Jess deboarded to switch busses for one headed back to Lubbock. As she waited for the bus that would take her back, she sent a text to Emily letting her know she was okay and one to Chad asking him to come by her dorm that evening. She knew she would have to tell them what she had almost done, but it needed to be in person and not over the phone.

  Relief flooded Chad at Jess’s message. She was okay. That was the main thing, but where had she been and what did she have to tell him? Had she found someone else? Would he be okay if she had? The more he thought about it, the clearer the answer became. No, he would not be okay. His worry over her today solidified the feelings he had been denying. He cared for her, and regardless of what she told him tonight, he would tell her how he felt.

  Chapter 14

  Jess gathered her courage in the hallway before opening the door. As soon as Jess crossed the doorjamb, Emily bounded across the room and engulfed her in a hug.

  “Where were you? Why didn’t you leave me a note? Or text me you were okay? I was so worried.” The words streamed out of Emily’s mouth with a rapid-fire intensity.

  “I’m sorry,” Jess said. Was she really going to tell Emily? What if Emily hated her afterwards? What if she no longer wanted to be friends? Jess shook her head to clear the thoughts. Emily wouldn’t do that. “I need to talk to you, but you should sit down.”

  Emily followed Jess’s lead and sat down on her bed, her hands clasped in her lap.

  Jess opened her mouth to speak, but then decided evidence would be more powerful. She crossed to her dresser and retrieved the white stick from under the clothes where she had stashed it at her first opportunity.

  Emily’s eyes widened as she realized what lay in Jess’s hand, and her mouth dropped open in a perfect “o” shape. “Oh, Jess, I’m so sorry, but we’ll figure something out. We have several places you can contact for information on adoption or financial assistance if you decide you want to raise the baby.” Horror dawned on Emily’s face. “Or did you….”

  Tears flooded Jess’s eyes, blurring the room around her. She sank onto the bed next to Emily. “I didn’t, but I was on my way, Emily. I knew it was wrong, which is why I didn’t tell you, but I have nothing. I thought it would be easier if…”

  “Don’t even consider it,” Emily said. “That could be me. That was going to be my fate until God stepped in. He has a plan for you too, and it does not include getting rid of this child.”

  “I was so worried you would hate me,” Jess said. “I’ve messed up so much.”

  “Jess, I could never hate you. You’re my sister in Christ, and no matter how much you mess up, I will be there, and Jesus will be there for you.” Her eyes widened. “Does Chad know?”

  Jess shook her head. “I asked him to meet me here at seven, so I could tell him.”

  “Jess, it’s six forty-five,” Emily said.

  “Oh, crap,” Jess said, jumping up from the bed. "What do I say to him?” She paced back and forth in the room. It was a good thing the floor was already old because Jess felt like she would have worn a crevice in a new carpet.

  “The truth,” Emily replied. “Whether he wants to be a part of it or not, he deserves to know he has a son or daughter coming. I’ll step out to give you privacy, but I’ll be right downstairs if you need me.”

  Jess nodded, but her heart continued to pound a beat in her head. She’d practiced what she would tell him on the bus ride home, but now that the time was nearly here, her stomach twisted in knots. Taking a deep breath, Jess smoothed her shirt and sat on the bed, tapping her fingers on the mattress. Her leg jiggled back and forth of its own accord.

  “It will be okay,” Emily said from across the room.

  Jess envied her calm demeanor. Of course, she wasn’t the one carrying the baby, but she somehow thought even if Emily was that she would be calm.

  A knock sounded at the door, and Jess’s heart jumped. Emily flashed a thumb-up as she walked to the door. Chad, dark and sexy, stood on the other side in a black leather jacket and jeans. At the sight of him, Jess’s heart sped up. He still affected her, and though she saw him twice a week in class, seeing him out of class and in her doorway felt different.

  “I’ll just let you two have some time,” Emily said, squeezing past Chad.

  As Chad stepped into the room and closed the door behind him, Jess felt her old nature start to kick in. The words could wait. She could pull him onto the bed and lose herself in his arms. After all, she was already pregnant, so there was no fear of that. No, that was no longer her life. She would stand up to temptation.

  “Jess,” he said, closing the distance between them.

  She placed her fingers on his lips, trying to ignore the tremor of emotion that shot through her. “Wait, let me go first before I lose my nerve.”

  Chad nodded and reached for her hand, but the smell of his cologne was intoxicating. Jess had to distance herself. She crossed to the window, gathering her thoughts, before turning to face him. “Um, so okay you remember when we...”—she looked down at her hands and then at her bed, unable to verbalize the act, but he understood and nodded, prodding her to continue. “Well, I’m pregnant.”

  His eyes widened. His mouth opened and closed; then opened again. He ran his hand across his stubbled chin. “Are you sure? I mean it’s been so long. We were together the last time over a month ago.”

  Jess’s face flamed. “I know, but I hadn’t realized I was late until I started getting sick. I took a test this weekend, and I’ve only been with you.”

  “Wow, okay um.” His hands trailed down his denim-clad thighs before he turned his blue eyes on her–oh, those eyes. “What do you want to do?”

  “I’m going to have the baby,” she said. “I thought I wanted an abortion which is where I was today - on the way to the nearest clinic, but your call, an old woman, and God changed my mind.” She chuckled at his puzzled expression. “It’s a long story, but I’m not asking anything from you. I’ll put the baby up for adoption.”

  He nodded, blinking a few times. Then his hand again grazed his chin. The simple nervous gesture sent her heart racing. What was wrong with her?

  “No.”

  “No?” she asked.

  “Well, I’m not sure. Look, Jess, I don’t know if I’m ready to be a father. I didn’t even think I wanted a relationship, but I can’t stop thinking about you. I’ve been making some changes in my life too, and I’m sorry for the way I treated you the last time we were together. It was selfish and wrong, but I was pushing you away because of fear. That’s a story for another day. However, after Emily came looking for you today and I didn’t know what had happened to
you, I couldn’t deny I had feelings any longer. I want us to be together, the right way this time. Let’s get to know each other and then we can decide about the baby.”

  Jess’s head dropped forward, and her eyes widened. Was he for real? She had thought he would push her to have an abortion or run screaming at the very least, but here he was telling her he had feelings for her. “I don’t know, Chad,” she managed to stutter. “I mean I’m not the same person. Jesus is a part of my life now, and I’m trying to live the way He wants me. And you,” she stepped back as he approached her, but there was nowhere else to go - she was backed up against the window. “You are like playing with fire. I’m not sure I could date you and behave.”

  The last words came out little more than a whisper as his hand circled her neck and tangled in her hair.

  “I’d like to try,” he said in a husky voice before claiming her lips with his own.

  As Chad left Jess’s room later, fear and elation cycled through his veins. Kissing her had been amazing - he had definitely missed it - but his desire for her hadn’t changed, and it had been hard to stop himself this time. So hard! The bed was right there, and her scent had driven him crazy. But he had refrained. However, he knew more time spent together would mean more temptation to face. He would have to give that to God.

  It was funny how the thought of losing someone made everything so clear. Not only had he decided he wanted a relationship with Jess when he’d heard she was missing, but he had wanted to talk to God then too. As he crossed the campus, he wished Kyle was still here to talk to. He might have been younger, but from his journal he appeared to have his life more together than Chad did.