A Past Forgiven

by Lorana Hoopes

  “It’s for when we go riding,” he said. “You seemed cold the last time. Plus, this will offer much more protection.”

  “Thank you,” she said as her eyes filled with tears. Was this what it was like to have a real relationship? To have someone who truly cared about her?

  “Hey, it’s not supposed to make you cry,” he said, pulling her close and wiping a tear from her cheek.

  “Don’t worry; they’re happy tears,” she said as she leaned up to kiss him. The feel of his lips on hers sent tingles down her spine.

  “Oh, good. I was worried there for a second,” he said as they parted. “Here, let’s try it on.” Chad helped her pull the coat out of the box, shrug out of her old one, and put on the new one.

  The feel of the leather was cold on her arms at first, but it warmed quickly. However, when Jess tugged on the zipper, she realized quickly the coat wouldn’t fit much longer. Not when her belly got much larger.

  “Well, I guess we’ll have to get another one in a few months,” he said. “Now, let’s get you inside. It’s getting cold out here.”

  As his arm wrapped around her shoulders, Jess snuggled against his chest, enjoying the warmth and security he provided.

  Chad smiled as they walked back to Jess’s dorm. He was pleased she liked the jacket and it looked good on her, but they would have to continue this discussion of the adoption. Ever since he had heard the first heartbeat with Jess, his desire to keep the baby had grown. She might not be ready, but he was beginning to think he was.

  He would have to tread lightly with Jess though. She hadn’t revealed everything to him, but he had a feeling her fear of raising the baby had a lot to do with her home life. Jess never talked about it, and the one time he had asked her, she had clammed up and changed the subject which only solidified his hunch.

  Her dorm came into view too quickly. Chad had been hoping to take Jess home to meet his family, but Dr. Warren had gotten sick and tasked him with covering another class for the rest of the semester. He needed to spend the majority of the break working, and while he planned to return home for Thanksgiving dinner itself, he didn’t want Jess having to be alone in her dorm room the rest of the break.

  “Have a good trip,” he said, giving her another kiss - a longer one this time as it had to last him four days. It did not disappoint, and as he watched her walk into her dorm, he wondered how he was going to make it the next few days without her.

  Chapter 18

  “You ready?” Emily asked as she zipped up her suitcase.

  “Are you sure they’ll be okay with me tagging along?” Jess asked as she rolled up the last shirt. Because she had nowhere to go and Chad had to work, Emily had invited Jess to her family’s house for Thanksgiving.

  “Of course they’ll be okay. My house was the hangout during high school anyway.”

  “But, do you think they’ll care, you know, about the baby?” Jess was now in the second trimester and starting to show and though Emily and her friends accepted her, Jess still worried what others thought. With no ring on her finger, did they condemn her or pity her?

  “I’m adopted, remember?” Emily asked with a smile. She crossed the short distance between them and flung her arm about Jess’s shoulders. “Stop stressing about what others think about you. You made a mistake, you repented, and now you are making the best out of a difficult situation. A lot of women wouldn't make the choice you did. I’m proud of you and any true Christian would be too.”

  Her words soothed a few of Jess’s insecurities and she pulled the drawstring of her duffel bag closed. As she passed the mirror on the way out of the room, Jess glanced at her reflection. The tough exterior might be fading away, but the insecure girl underneath still resided there. God, grant me confidence, she thought as she shut the door behind her.

  Emily’s house was a two-story brick home on the outskirts of Dallas. After the six-hour drive, it felt good to stretch. Jess’s belly wasn’t big yet, but it was larger than she was used to and so getting comfortable in the car had been harder than usual.

  The girls grabbed their bags from the trunk and approached the front door. “You ready?” Emily asked as she opened the door. Jess offered a small smile in response.

  Emily’s house was warm and inviting and smelled of chocolate chip cookies. Emily led the way to the kitchen where a blonde woman who, surprisingly, resembled Emily greeted them. How could they look so similar while not being blood related? “Emily,” she said with a wide smile.

  “Hi, Mom,” Emily said, returning the hug her mother had engulfed her in. “This is my roommate, Jess.”

  The woman turned her friendly green eyes on Jess. “Hello, Jess, and welcome to our home.”

  “Thank you for having me,” Jess said.

  “Oh, Emily’s friends are always welcome here. Emily probably told you our house was the unofficial hangout when she was in high school.”

  Jess smiled at Emily. “Yeah, she did.”

  “Okay, let’s go drop off these bags,” Emily said leading the way to her old room. Trophies and medals lined shelves hanging on the walls.

  “Wow, you really are an athlete,” Jess said. She had never won a trophy or a medal unless you counted the ribbons in elementary school they gave out on field days.

  “Yeah, I played a lot, but you want to know a secret?” she asked as she hefted her suitcase on the bed.

  “Sure.” Jess glanced around the small room looking for a place to drop her stuff. A brown, roll-top desk took up most of one wall and while there was a window seat under the two windows, it didn’t look large or comfortable enough to sleep on.

  “Oh, it’s a trundle,” Emily said, evidently noticing Jess’s questioning gaze. She lifted the flowered bed skirt and pulled out a second twin mattress on a rolling platform. When it was free from the bed, she motioned Jess over. “Here, help me out. There’s a bar we have to press to get it to raise.”

  Jess reached under where Emily was holding and felt a cold metallic bar. As the girls pressed it up, the mattress raised as if on a lift until it was even with Emily’s bed.

  “We’ll get you some sheets and a blanket later, but for now you can put your stuff there,” she said, pointing to the mattress.

  As Jess placed her bag on the mattress, she returned to the previous conversation, “So, what’s the secret you were going to share?”

  Emily smiled a sentimental smile. “I kind of feel like I missed childhood. If I could go back, I might take some time off, not play so many games, and just be a kid, you know?”

  Jess knew. Not that she would go back to High school, but she would love to go back to early childhood, when her mom was sober, and it was just her mother and her. Her mom had worked a lot then, but at least she was present every evening. She’d read Jess stories and tucked her in and on weekends she would make smiley face pancakes.

  “Ready to meet the rest of the family?” Emily asked, breaking into Jess’s reminiscing.

  Jess nodded, but as she followed Emily back into the kitchen, she couldn’t help wondering if she could be a mother like that - the good kind. Like before her mother had found solace for her loneliness in a bottle. Or would she end up as her mother eventually had, broken and overwhelmed? Her mother had been a teen mom and Jess knew there was sometimes a cycle to these things, but could she break it and keep her child?

  The smell of turkey and sweet potatoes greeted Chad as he walked into the house.

  “You’re home,” his sister, Kendra, yelled as she accosted him in the hallway.

  “I told you I would be,” he said with a laugh, returning her hug. When he’d recommitted his life to Christ, he had also recommitted to his family, calling them at least once a week to keep them informed.

  He’d told them about Jess, but he hadn’t mentioned the baby yet. It wasn’t that he was hiding it, but he felt that Jess needed to be there when he had that conversation. Plus, he wanted to be firm in his decision of either keeping the baby or putting him or her up for adopti
on before telling them.

  “Come on,” she said, tugging on his arm. “Lunch is almost ready, and the football game is on.”

  Chad smiled as he followed her. It felt good to be home, and while he missed Kyle, he was glad to have his family back in his life.

  “Hello, Son,” his mother said as he entered the kitchen. She dropped the spoon she was stirring a pot with and walked over to envelop him in a hug. “When are we going to meet this mysterious girlfriend of yours?”

  “Soon,” Chad said. “I would have brought her with me, but I have to work when I get back and I didn’t want her stuck alone in her dorm room.”

  “Well, that was very chivalrous of you,” his sister spoke up, “but I’m starting to wonder if she’s even real.”

  “All right, that’s enough,” his mother said as Chad lunged playfully at his sister. “It’s dinnertime, so why don’t the two of you go join your father at the table?”

  The table was overflowing with platters of food, from turkey and stuffing to sweet potatoes and green bean casserole. Once again, his mother had cooked enough for an army - a trait she’d had for as long as Chad could remember.

  A pang of sadness washed over him as he glanced at Kyle’s empty chair. This would mark the third Thanksgiving without him and Chad wondered if it would ever get easier. But he didn’t have time to focus on his sadness long as his father greeted him with a hug and his mother and sister took their places around the table.

  “Frank, would you pray for us?” his mother asked.

  “Actually, Mom, can I do it?” Chad spoke up.

  She flashed him a smile and though she said nothing, Chad could tell she was glad to finally have her prodigal son back home again.

  “So, Emily tells me you’re planning on putting the baby up for adoption,” Emily’s mother said as Jess helped wash the dishes that evening. Jess had offered to help clean up as a thank you for allowing her to come and crash at their house.

  “I honestly don’t know anymore,” Jess said with a sigh. “I know adoption is the smart move because I’m young and single and know nothing about raising a baby. However, as my belly grows and I feel the strange movements, I think about what he or she might look like. Then I wonder if I’ll be strong enough to give the baby away. And the baby’s father is back in the picture which makes it even harder.”

  With a nod, her mother turned wise eyes on her. “I’m sure you’re not alone in that feeling. I can’t imagine how hard it must be for you to feel the baby growing and know you won’t get to see him or her grow up. Have you tried praying about it?”

  “Every day,” Jess said with a sad smile. “Maybe I’m doing something wrong though. I thought I would hear an answer or see something like I did when I tried to destroy Emily’s Bible.” Her mother raised an eyebrow. “It’s a long story,” Jess continued with a laugh, “but I haven’t felt or heard or seen anything. Is that normal?”

  “You know, a lot of people think they can ask God a question and hear an answer like we’re talking right now, but He doesn’t really work like that usually. Sometimes, the answer will come in feelings like you’ll feel conflicted if it’s not the right decision.”

  Jess shook her head. “I feel conflicted with both decisions, so I’m not sure that helps.”

  Emily’s mother smiled as she continued, “Sometimes the answer will come through actions of others. Someone you know will do or say something that makes the answer clear.” No, Jess wasn’t having that either. “And sometimes, you’ll actually hear God speak to you, but He speaks in a still, small voice, so you have to be very focused on listening for it. I know it seems confusing now, but I’m willing to bet that God will reveal Himself when He’s ready.”

  Jess took that nugget of wisdom to bed with her that night and chewed on it over and over in her head as she lay in the foreign room. Was she trying to rush God’s timing? The pastor had often spoken about God’s upper plan being different from what we could see down here, and maybe even though time felt short for her, it surely wasn’t for God.

  Chapter 19

  Jess’s phone rang as they were driving back to Lubbock. She smiled as she recognized Chad’s number. Though they had spoken a few times over the break, the conversations had been short, so he could work. She was looking forward to seeing him again tonight. “Hello, Chad.”

  “Hey Jess, will you be home by seven?”

  Jess looked at her watch. It was barely one. They had headed back right after church ended. “Yeah, we should be home by six barring traffic.”

  “Great. Will you meet me at the Starbucks on University at seven?”

  “Sure, but what’s up?” She had expected to hang out in his dorm, not at a coffee shop. What did that mean?

  “I don’t want to tell you over the phone. Please? It’s important.”

  “Okay. I’ll see you at seven.” As Jess hung up the phone, she couldn’t help but wonder what the secrecy was about. Her old insecurities seeped in. Had Chad found someone else while she was gone? Had their whole relationship been a sham?

  “What was that about?” Emily asked.

  “I have no idea,” Jess responded with a slow shake of her head. “I guess I’ll see at seven.”

  Chad sat a table in the coffee shop and tapped his finger against the table top. The last few hours had crawled by as he waited for seven to hit. His visit home had solidified his feelings, and he knew now he wanted to raise his child. He hoped Jess would feel the same, but he could no longer sign adoption papers.

  A chill breeze swept through the room and Chad glanced up. Jess stood in the entrance scanning the room. His face lit up at the sight of her and he crossed quickly to embrace her.

  Her arms wound around his neck as she returned his kiss, and a heat spread through his body. “I’ve missed you,” he said as they parted.

  “I missed you too,” she said with a smile.

  “Come, sit down,” he said, taking her hand and leading her to the table he had been sitting at. “Would you like a coffee or something to eat?”

  “No, I’m okay. What’s going on, Chad?”

  His eyes held her gaze a moment and then dropped to the tabletop where his finger tapped again. After a deep breath, he raised his eyes again. “I know I said I wasn’t ready to raise a child, but after going home on Thursday and seeing my parents, I’ve found myself daydreaming about you and the baby and us as a family.”

  He paused, waiting for Jess to say something, but she only blinked at him.

  “I guess what I’m saying is I don’t want you to give the baby up for adoption. I want us to raise the baby together. I want what my parents have.”

  “Chad, I’m so young. I’m only nineteen,” Jess began.

  “I know we’re young,” he said interrupting her, “but younger people than us have done it. I’m almost out of school, and I can support you while you finish.” His eyes pleaded with hers.

  “But why? Why do you want this baby so badly?”

  His gaze was frank and unwavering as he stared into her eyes. “Because I love you, and I see my future with you. I honestly think we’ll regret the decision if we give this kid away. Our family will never feel complete, you know?”

  Jess looked as though she was going to object again, but Chad jumped in before she could.

  “Let’s at least try,” he pleaded.

  “Okay, let’s try,” she said with a laugh.

  He reached across the table and grabbed her hands, sending a tingling sensation down his arm. “I know you think I’m crazy, and maybe I am, but I’m also serious about this.”

  “Okay, let’s raise a baby.”

  “I’ll show you, Jess. I’ll show you I can be father material. I still have some prep work for tomorrow, so I have to run, but let’s do dinner tomorrow.”

  Jess nodded at him, still unable to find the right words. He squeezed her hands and then stood and walked away, leaving her in a happy but dazed stupor as she watched him leave.

  In her pocket,
her phone rang. Still reeling from the last few minutes, Jess tapped the answer button without looking at the caller ID. “Hello?”

  “Jess?”

  Her mother’s voice caused the hair on Jess’s arms to stand up. What did she want? And did Jess even care what she had to say? The broken part of her wanted to ignore the call, to pretend it had never occurred and just hit the end call button now, but the other part of her—the part that God was healing—decided she should at least see what her mother wanted.

  “Yes, it’s me. What’s... what’s going on?” What was with today? First Chad and now her mother? Could it get any stranger?

  “I wanted to see if I could come see you. I kicked Jim to the curb. You were right about him. I’m sorry I didn’t listen to you.”

  Jess held the phone away from her ear and stared at it. As much as she wanted to believe her mother, so much hurt existed between them. If she gave her mother another chance, would she just end up hurt again? A tiny voice inside her head whispered “forgiveness,” but there was so much pain in the past.

  A sudden bolt of inspiration hit her, and she responded, “Yeah, I guess you can come, but only if you come to church with me.” Jess knew this would dissuade her mother if she weren’t serious.

  Silence descended.

  “I didn’t know you were attending church.” Her mother’s voice was hesitant, soft.

  “I am now. I am trying to repair the damage you did to my life, so take it or leave it. You want to see me, then you come to church. Otherwise, don’t bother.”

  “Fine, I’ll drive up Saturday morning. We can spend the day together and attend church the next morning.”

  Jess agreed and hung up the phone. Shock rolled off her in waves. What had she just agreed to? Her hands began to shake, and the urge for a cigarette gripped hard even though she hadn’t smoked in a month. Trying to focus on anything else, Jess stared out the window.