I sucked in a quick breath and started to pace the room, unable to look him in the eye. “Yeah, you wanted to seduce me, with your country land and your big, sweet family of women, and…and…all that dumb, fresh air…and…”
“It wasn’t about that.” His voice shook, and his eyes grew wider as studied me. “Let me try to explain.” He blocked my path. “Everything’s better when you’re with me, okay? When we’re not together, I get this pit.” He fisted his hand and pressed it to his chest. “Right here. Like there’s a big hole and nothing else can fill it.”
The nerve of him going romantic on me. “You had a million opportunities in Virginia to warn me that Oliver was coming home.”
“At first, I didn’t want to ruin our week. Honestly, for the first time since I met you, I felt like I was really seeing you—the you that had nothing to do with Oliver—when we were in Virginia. And then, I sort of just forgot about him. About everything.”
I couldn’t argue. In Virginia, I’d barely thought about Ollie, and I’d actually believed there was a chance that I would be able to figure out who I was and work toward goals of my own.
He reached for my arms again, but I pulled away to resume my pacing.
“I didn’t want you to have to think about school, or Mill Street, or Oliver, or anything when you were with me. I just wanted you to be.” The next time I moved past him, he took my shoulders and turned me to face him. “I’m sorry, and you’re right. I should have told you and let you deal with that however you needed to. I don’t know why I freaked.”
“I do,” I laughed. “Because you have to be in control, like always. I’m kind of exhausted of men controlling me.”
We stared at each other until he furrowed his brow. “What’s this really about?”
I squinted. “What do you mean?”
“Is this about me, or is this about Oliver?” He crossed his arms, his expression changing, and suddenly I felt like I was being cross-examined. “You’re still not over him. After what he did to you, after last week, you still can’t let him go. There’s no other reason you’d be so mad about this.”
“Maybe I’m mad because you lied and manipulated me into going home with you.”
He took my arm and leaned close, our noses almost touching. “Don’t tell me that you didn’t enjoy the week. You’re angry right now, I get that. But don’t cheapen what we had and use Ollie as an excuse.”
I turned so he couldn’t see my face and started walking toward the kitchen. He wasn’t wrong.
He followed me to the kitchen. “And if we’re going to put it all out there, you should know I’ve been lying to you since the day I met you.”
I stopped at the counter and turned to him. “What?”
Pausing, he ran a hand through his hair and then took a step away from me. “Forget it.”
When he headed for the door, I followed, grabbing his arm as he attempted to leave the apartment. “Wait. What do you mean you’ve been lying to me?”
He looked at the ceiling and then back down at me. “It means that I’ve loved you since the day I met you. That every day I’ve been in this damn state, all I’ve thought about is you. My roommate’s girlfriend. The sweet, sexy violin player from the city who I had no business fantasizing about but did every fucking night.”
I let go of his arm and took a step back. “Josh,” I sighed. “What…why…you never said anything.”
“You were with Oliver, and you were happy. That’s all I wanted for you.”
My heart thudded. Tears formed in my eyes as I watched Josh struggle to put his thoughts into words, but all I saw was a sad, defeated look.
“I tried not to think about you, Violet. I dated other people. I fucked around. But none of them were you, and it all just made me feel empty. That place in here, you know?” He fisted his hand again and put it on his chest, like he had a few minutes earlier. “I’m sorry that this is how we started. That our start had to come at the end of college, after your heart was broken. But if you’re not over Oliver, there’s nothing else I can do about that.”
My bottom lip quivered as I wiped a tear that had fallen down my cheek. He was on the wrong track about my feelings for Oliver, and I needed to straighten that out. “I’m not upset because I want Oliver. I’m upset because I don’t want that version of me back. And…” I took a second to swallow the tears. “Maybe I’m using Ollie as an excuse to be mad at you because last week was the best week of my life—”
“Mine too, Pix—”
“—and that scares me. I’m not in love with Oliver, and I’m not sure I ever was. But seeing him reminds me of how I almost gave up my own life for him, and I have to not be like that anymore.”
“I understand, but—”
I held up a hand before he said something that would break my resolve. “No. No buts. We can’t be together, Josh. I’m going to Vienna. Even if it doesn’t work out there, you’re going to Virginia. It’s too late for us. Maybe we weren’t meant to be anything other than what we were.”
The words sounded wrong. They felt wrong. And all I wanted to do was grab them out of the air and stick them back into my dumb mouth. Swallow them down, jump into his arms, and kiss him.
He reached out to touch my face and rubbed his thumb along my cheekbone. Then, without a word, he leaned in, pressed his lips to my forehead, and walked out the door.
Chapter Twenty-Four
Josh
Ollie, Sam, and I went to The Study after a hike and a few pizzas. We didn’t even bother going back to the apartment to shower. It was early, and technically still spring break. The place was empty, which was fine by us, especially since Sampson had a following that we weren’t interested in dealing with that afternoon.
At the bar, there was a moment of weirdness when both Oliver and Sam tried to sit on the same stool. But Sam deferred and sat around the corner, and the two of them sandwiched me in the middle. Even though we hadn’t ordered, the bartender put two pitchers of the beer of the day in front of us and three glasses. I filled them and lifted my glass, hoping to get drunk quickly to numb the pain of my broken heart.
“Cheers.” They clinked their glasses with mine, and within seconds, I was refilling all three. This was going to be a long day.
Oliver told us stories about California. Sam told stories about, well, everything. We refilled. I let them talk and tried to listen, but my mind was on Violet.
“What are you doing here for college?” Ollie asked Sam.
Sampson leaned closer. “Secret. You’ll have to sign a non-disclosure agreement if I tell you.”
Ollie let out a loud laugh. “Shut up.”
I refocused on Sam and Ollie, curious about my new semi-famous roommate too. “I’d like to know the answer to that myself.”
Sam studied us for a few seconds, then flipped his purple hair off his forehead. “Okay.” He looked around and then faced us again. “I followed a girl.”
Oliver spit out his drink. “What?”
Without losing a beat, Sam deadpanned, “A girl. They’re the female half of our species, you know.”
Ollie rolled his eyes. “I mean, someone in particular? Like, you’re a stalker?”
“No, nothing like that.” Sam stood and casually leaned against the bar. “I wasn’t going to do anything, and I wouldn’t have contacted her if I did find her. I just needed to know that she was okay. I found out she was coming here, and I thought if we were meant to be, we’d find each other again.”
“Did you find her?” Oliver asked.
He nodded. “Yeah. She changed her name, her identity. Something happened to her— something bad, I think—and she went off the grid.”
“That sucks,” Ollie said. “Poor girl.”
“She’s doing okay, but she’s just…different.” He chugged his beer. “But she knows I’m here. The world knows I’m here. She doesn’t seem interested in me, so I have to let it go.”
“Wait,” Oliver started. “You came to college to find this
girl, you found her, but you don’t have a plan to get her back?”
Sam shrugged. “I came here so that she would know that I’m available, and that if she wanted to reconnect, she could. Anyway, the past is the past. Turns out coming here was a good idea regardless. Maybe a business degree will help me in the long run. I’m a on a six-year plan, but I’m comfortable. And I can’t be jumping off dormitories forever.”
“I can’t believe graduation is in two months,” I blurted. “Well, for me anyway. Surfer boy here has to piece together a degree on the West Coast.” I shoved Ollie.
He shoved me back. “What can I say? Love is a strange force.” Ollie practically beamed. It was a little obnoxious how happy he was.
Before I realized it was happening, Rachel appeared and threw her arms around Oliver. A gaggle of her sorority sisters walked by. “I’m so happy to see you!” she yelled to Ollie. It was hard not to look at her—she was tall, and that red hair was like a flare burning in the room. Sam apparently noticed too because he didn’t take his eyes off of her.
Rachel and Ollie made small talk until her friends called her from the other end of the bar. She told Ollie she’d be back and offered me a smile.
“Hey, Rach,” Sam said.
She ignored him and walked away.
Ollie laughed. “Damn. What’s going on with you two?” he asked Sam.
Sam ran a hand through his hair. “She hates me, and I think she’s an angel.”
“An angel?” Ollie waved his hands around his temples. “With Rachel, it’s like the pieces are all in there, but nothing’s connected.”
“She’s always late,” I said. “Drives me crazy. She’s a disaster, Sam. Trust us.”
“A gorgeous disaster.” In a flash, Sam stood, threw cash on the bar, and chugged another beer. “Gotta go.”
Then he darted away toward Rachel. I watched for a second to make sure his attention was wanted. The group seemed to welcome him, and even though Rachel may have looked minorly pissed, they seemed like they could handle him.
“He’s fun,” Ollie said, watching Sampson work the group of sorority sisters.
“Yeah, he’s okay. Works hard.” I shrugged and refocused on Ollie. “It’s really good to see you.”
“You too, man. I don’t miss much about here, but I do miss you.” He put a hand on my shoulder and gave me a push. “Tell me about your family.”
I gave Ollie the scoop on all things King sisters. “Dom was kind of a nerd, no offense.”
“Fuck you.” Ollie laughed, shoving me. “You love your nerds.”
“You’ll always be the only nerd for me,” I teased. “He grew on me though. Wants to be in politics and have a family. He’s all religious and shit. Vi let it slip that Amelia told her they were waiting until they got married to have sex.”
“Vi?”
I gulped. Fuck. I hadn’t told Oliver that Violet came home with me to spring break. “Oh, uh, yeah. She took the ride with me. Rachel cancelled the trip to Miami, and Vi’s mom didn’t want her home because they had a house full of nurses for her dad.” And I lied to her about you being here last week.
Oliver took a deep breath, then leaned against the back of the barstool. “I think you need to tell me what’s going on with you and Violet.”
“There’s not much to tell. She’s on her way to Vienna.”
“And you’re getting wasted. You’re upset. Why?”
If Oliver wanted to be honest, I could be too. I had nothing to lose. “Because I love her.” Saying the words made my chest hurt. So much so that I didn’t care about the look on Oliver’s face.
“When did that happen?” he asked.
“Oh, about half-a-minute after I met her almost four years ago.” And there it was. My big secret out in the open. “Just to be clear, I never acted on it until you were out of the picture. I thought you could make her happy. Then you left. She was miserable. We got closer.”
Oliver nodded. “Oh.”
“That’s it?” I asked. “Oh? Aren’t you going to hit me? Curse me out?”
“No.”
“Why not?” I asked.
“Because if I got to handpick someone for her to be with who wasn’t me, I’d pick you.” Ollie pressed his lips together and shrugged. “I love you both.”
If I could have blamed the hug I gave him on the alcohol, I would have. But I knew that I would have given him a man-hug had I been sober too. Hearing him say that, whether it was because he was drunk or because it was how he really felt, was like a huge weight flying off my shoulders. “I love you too.”
“Now tell me what’s going on.” He refilled our glasses.
We sat back on our stools. He focused on me as I told him about Vi in the aftermath of him. For almost four years, I’d carried the guilt of my feelings. Now that I didn’t have to, the floodgates opened, and I confided in Oliver about everything, from the minute he left until the scene at the apartment earlier that morning. Not in detail, but the basics. I knew he’d draw the correct conclusions that we’d been together.
He listened intently, only interrupting once to tell me that he wished I’d told him sooner. I admitted that I was scared.
Finally, I confided that I was heartbroken for the first time. That as a supposed expert in women, I had no idea how to handle the fact that we couldn’t be together and that I couldn’t imagine myself with anyone else.
“Shit,” he said when I was done. “That sucks.”
“You’re telling me.”
Neither of us had the answers, and that was okay. There was no answer. For the first time, I had to give up control. Life was life, and things happened.
Fuck, did I hate that.
Violet
Rachel pulled into the Mill Street alley to drive me to the city a half hour later than she’d promised. I bounded down the stairs as she popped the trunk. After dropping the bags in, I offered her a sincere pout.
Her long red hair was twisted into a knot on her head, but her outfit looked like she had plans for the night. “I can’t believe you’re leaving me too,” she whined as she pulled me into a hug.
“Who knows? I may be back after the audition if I blow it.”
“You’re not going to blow it. You’re the best violinist in the world.” She smiled, her green eyes filled with tears. “I won’t have any girlfriends left here.”
“You’ll be fine. Only a couple more months and then you’ll graduate. And you have Grant.”
“Forget Grant, I want to hear about you and Josh. I just saw him at The Study with Ollie and Sam.”
I rolled my eyes and opened the passenger door. “Talk about long stories.” When we were settled, I told her everything. About the kiss the night Sampson showed up, about Rambling and Charlamagne, about the symphony, and about our pact to stay friends. Then I told her about the fight we’d had earlier that morning.
Rachel listened, nodding, laughing, and gasping at the appropriate parts. When I finished, she pondered for a moment. “I don’t really understand. So you had this great week with Josh, and he admitted, finally, that he loves you. But you’re mad at him because of Oliver?”
“Sort of. I mean, he lied to me about Oliver being there so that I’d go to Virginia with him.” I needed Rachel to validate me. “Isn’t that wrong?”
“But maybe he already knew what you didn’t. That you two were meant to be together and that Oliver kept getting in the way. Maybe he didn’t want Oliver to interfere again.”
“It all seems sketchy to me.”
“It’s not sketchy. You’ve always said that you felt invisible with Oliver, that nobody ever saw you. Now, someone is, and you aren’t sure you’re ready for that.”
I scowled at her. “You think?”
She shrugged, smirking at me as she pulled through the toll for the tunnel. “I think.”
Rachel was right. Josh was seeing me, and it did scare me. “It doesn’t matter anyway because I’m leaving. There’s no future for us.”
“You d
on’t know that. Do you have a crystal ball now?”
“Maybe I do. And maybe I can see that this conversation is now going to turn to you.”
“Smooth, sister.” Rachel rolled her eyes. “What do you want to know?”
“What did you think of Sampson?” I asked. “You’d hinted over text that there was something going on.”
She blushed as she looked over her shoulder to move into city traffic. “He seems to be infatuated with me or something. I don’t know.”
“He’s famous.”
“YouTalker famous, not really famous.”
“Rach, he has sixteen million subs.”
“Whatever.”
“Oh my God, I’m going to get to the bottom of this mystery with you two. And I want to know about Grant. We are definitely going to have a serious sit-down when I get back from Vienna.”
“Hopefully, you won’t be coming back. For your sake, not mine. You are going to get the chair, Vi, and you’re going to be there for years to come. You’ll have a wonderful time just being you.”
“Do you think so?”
“I do.”
We talked while Rachel maneuvered through the city, until she pulled up to the front of my house. After a long hug, she let me go with promises of keeping in touch.
As I walked up the steps into the townhouse, three people I didn’t know, dressed in suits, rushed out without a word as if they couldn’t see me. I whispered, “Jerks,” to their backs and pushed open the front door.
Inside, I heard my father yelling from his office at the back of the house. His printer printing. Things clanging from the kitchen. I headed that way first.
Mom was in her real estate suit while people carrying plates and silverware moved around her. She held her phone to her ear. “No, Janice, it’s still too cold for the terrace. You’ll have to get them to move us inside.” She spotted me, waved, and then gave me the one second hand signal. It figured that she’d be planning a party and going to work the one day I could visit.
I dropped my bag and walked to the back of the house, toward Dad. I leaned against the doorframe and waited for him to see me. Sitting behind his desk, he looked older, frailer. Like a man who’d had a heart attack. It hit me hard and right in the gut—my parents wouldn’t be around forever. Even more of a reason to get myself together now, while they were.
Making the Move: Mill Street Series #2 Page 21