Love Is Usually Where You Left It

by Gary Locke

  Wow, Clive hadn’t really seen that coming. Although this weekends events, or as Gayle put it: “games”, had indeed been silly, he thought that they had actually made some progress. He looked at Gayle as she still stared at him and could see that she was shaking slightly. He sat down next to her and placed his hand gently on her knee.

  “What is it?” he asked. “What happened earlier? You were in such a good mood and then..... what happened? You’re shaking.”

  Gayle had never really spoken to Clive in any detail about that first visit from Andy Taylor, the loan shark. She had always been worried that he may have thought she was exaggerating what happened or was blowing the whole thing out of proportion. Looking back, maybe she and Jack were never actually in any real danger but Andy Taylor had wanted her to feel that way, and it had worked. She felt like her and Jack’s safety was at risk and the whole thing was Clive’s fault for lying to her; and that much was still true. Now, at the end, she no longer felt like she had to hide those feelings from Clive and so began talking; getting more and more angry as she spoke.

  “It was what happened back there to Jeremy. It made me remember that visit I had from Andy Taylor; you remember him: the loan guy? It made me remember the visit me and Jack had from him!”

  Clive lowered his head. He remembered the loan incident very well. He had been trying his best to provide his family with things they needed and wanted, but had gone about it completely the wrong way. It certainly wasn’t his finest hour.

  Gayle continued talking.

  “That big one today, he had the same eyes as Andy Taylor. Cold. Calculating. Emotionless. He looked like he could do someone some real harm, and would probably enjoy doing it. And it reminded me of the day that he came around here, because he was the same. He forced his way into the house and made me feel that he would enjoy doing me some harm and, worse still, Jack some harm. Baby Jack.”

  Tears began to flow out of Gayle’s eyes but she continued talking, the passion being stirred by each new word she said.

  “And it was all because of you. Because you had borrowed money from him and not paid him back. And you had not told me about it. You lied to me..... and then put me and Jack in danger. And you weren’t here to protect us.”

  The tears now exploded and she stopped talking. She moved Clive’s hand off her knee and stood up and walked to the window, staring outside and once more focussing on nothing.

  Clive could feel tears of his own meandering down his cheeks. He had no idea that Gayle had ever felt like this. When they had spoken about Andy Taylor’s “visit” and her agreeing to pay him at ten pounds a week she hadn’t spoken about any of this.

  He stood up quickly and joined her by the window. He grabbed her by the shoulders and turned her body so that she faced him. When he began talking his voice was broken and trembling.

  “You never mentioned any of this to me. You told me that a man had come round and you had agreed to pay him at ten pounds per week. You never said that he’d come into the house; that he’d threatened you..... that he’d threatened Jack. I’d never do anything on purpose to put you or Jack in danger. If I’d known he was going to come round I would have never left the house that day. It was a stupid, stupid thing to borrow that money but I did it for you and Jack; for us. I knew I was working the overtime and would be able to pay him back straight away and so got excited and bought the cot and the monitor and those toys – because they were on sale. Mikey S, at work, had told me about this “good” guy you could borrow money off for a week until you got paid, and it seemed like a good idea. I should have known his idea of a “good” guy meant a thug – Mikey S is a bit dodgy himself. I had no idea that you would clear the bank account before I could get the money out to pay him. I know how stupid it was now, but I was trying to make our life better. The look on your face when I brought the stuff home made it feel like a good idea at the time. I shouldn’t have lied to you, but I know you would have disapproved and I thought I was doing the best thing I could – for us.”

  Gayle continued to stare at Clive as he carried on talking, almost rambling, at high speed, his voice still shaky.

  “If I’d have known the car insurance was due I would have sorted it as a monthly payment, as we had always done, and I would have paid Andy Taylor his money back from the account, as planned..... and everything would have been ok. After you said you’d cleared the account, I tried everything to get some money. I asked everyone I knew if they’d lend me it to me for a few days, but everyone said no. I offered to work my days off at work for anyone who’d lend me a few quid; but nothing. You kind of find out who your friends are, or not, at times like that. When you said Andy Taylor had been round and that everything was sorted, I felt ashamed that I had lied to you. I’m still ashamed of myself and I have never lied to you since. Never about anything. But I felt relieved that everything was ok, because you told me everything was ok.”

  Gayle wiped the tears away from her face and watched as Clive’s own tears rolled uncontrollably down his face. She had only ever seen him cry on a couple of occasions and didn’t like to see him like that. He looked so vulnerable.

  “I should have told you everything.” She said. “I was so angry with you but I didn’t want to tell you everything because ….. I don’t actually know why I didn’t tell you everything. But I think I’ve let it eat away at me all this time. I should have told you everything and got it out in the open..... I’m sorry.”

  “You’ve got nothing to be sorry about. I let you down big time; and I’ve been letting you down ever since. I honestly have never lied to you after that day, but I’ve never been totally honest with you either. I’ve never told you, enough times, how much I love you; how you’re my best friend and my world. I have seen things slowly breaking apart between us but never been honest enough, or brave enough, to face them..... I let you down back then and have continued to let you down. It’s me; I’m the one who should be sorry. It’s my fault and I’m so very sorry. If it’s too late, then it’s my fault.”

  It was Clive’s turn to look out of the window.

  He too, wasn’t particularly looking at anything but rather letting the words that he and Gayle had just said to each other spin around his head. And it was two particular words, ones that both he and Gayle had said, that were in the forefront of his mind: too late.

  Realistically things were too late; much too late. This whole “love is” effort over the weekend had been a little desperate and really quite ridiculous. He took a long, deep breath and accepted the inevitable. Just two days ago Jack had moved out and that had signalled the end for him and Gayle; that was what had been agreed for so long now. Nothing had changed.

  Clive took a deep breath.

  He then blinked his eyes quickly and focussed on the houses across the road and something cleared in his mind. To think nothing had changed was wrong. Everything had changed. This weekend had been pretty weird but on Friday, during his original meeting with Jeremy, everything had changed. For the first time, in a long, long time, he had realised what he needed to do. He needed to fight for Gayle; fight for their relationship.

  Why was he letting that defeatist attitude return now?

  Gayle watched as Clive looked out of the window. He had just taken full responsibility for the breakdown of their relationship, but that wasn’t really fair. She had been frustrated by his attitude towards her counselling idea but that wasn’t the sole reason for things going the way they had. She, too, had let things drift. She, too, could have done more to avoid this situation. Maybe being more open and truthful about the way she felt after the loan shark incident would have cleared things instead of allowing them to eat away at her for so long. He had been ridiculously stupid and dishonest with her but hadn’t meant to put her and Jack in any danger. If she’d made him realise what had happened, and maybe even hit him, a lot, so he shared some of those feelings of danger, then maybe the situation would have been resolved and wouldn’t still affect her. She realised tha
t it had secretly eaten away at her; and at their relationship, and it would have been best if they had spoken about it, properly, when it had happened. She knew deep down that what he said was true: he did love her, and they were best friends.

  Clive turned to look at Gayle.

  “We should finish what we started.” He said. “We agreed to do the full weekend, we shouldn’t stop now!”

  Gayle smiled at him.

  “I agree” she said, reaching out and holding his hand. She wasn’t quite sure that she totally agreed, but felt that if this was to be the end then the least they could do was have one last event together. Besides she felt too tired to argue any more, both mentally and physically. Probably because of all the bloody running she’d had to do so far. What were the chances the “final” event would be some kind of outdoor fell run or something?

  Clive was expecting to have to try to convince her a little more. He had some rough words ready about something only ever being over, or having failed, when you stop trying; until then you’re just still trying. He was going to ask her if she could honestly tell him that she hadn’t felt something this weekend. A spark? More than a spark? He was, though, quite relieved that he didn’t have to say anything.

  They both now began to stare out of the window. Both, this time, focussing on the street that had been their home for the last twenty years.

  Chapter Forty Two: The Last Supper.

  “What do you think we’ll be doing?” asked Gayle, knowing full well that Clive would have just as little idea that she had; how do you anticipate the moves of a lunatic?

  “I think it’s fair to say that Jeremy hasn’t really pushed the boat out financially yet, isn’t it?” began Clive as Gayle nodded furiously in agreement. “He did say that this was the big one, so I’m thinking that it could be a meal or something. I did mention to him about that fancy food we had at Picasso on the high street, for our 5th wedding anniversary. Do you remember?”

  Gayle smiled as she recalled.

  “Of course I remember.” She said. “I told Jeremy about that as well. I think you could be right.”

  Gayle opened her wardrobe and began looking through for something to wear for a fancy meal.

  “I suppose it will be worth going if it is a fancy meal!” she said to Clive smiling.

  He smiled back.

  “Yeah don’t worry about our last chance to re-find love, as long as we get a nice meal….” he said light-heartedly.

  They both laughed a little.

  She looked at Clive and put her hand gently on the side of his face.

  “I want you to know, whatever happens, you’ll always be my best friend.”

  Clive smiled at her but, as he looked into her eyes, couldn’t help but feel that Gayle had resigned herself to the fact that things were over. Maybe she was right. Maybe too much water had passed under their bridge. He felt sad but had a little twinge of positivity: he knew she would always be in his life, in one capacity or another.

  Gayle walked over to her wardrobe and pulled her fancy black evening dress off one of the hangers.

  “Let’s get dressed up!” she said, her eyes widening as she continued to look upon the entirety of her clothes collection. “I may even wear my Kurt Geiger boots!”

  She even let out a tiny excited yelp as she reached for the brown boots that she’d impulsively bought about eighteen months earlier. Footwear, that she had treated herself to and declared they would only be used “for best”, that had only ventured out of her wardrobe twice since purchase. Once for a christening, one of those catholic types that seem to last a full weekend and then, later that year, for the office Christmas do that lasted 1 hour and 25 minutes before the two J’s declared themselves bored and decided to head into town. That’s the trouble with labelling something that’s “for best” only – you may as well label it as “probably never wear / use”.

  Clive pulled the black suit from out of the back of his wardrobe that only ever made the light of day for weddings, christenings and funerals and, for all the use he had got out of it, may well have spent the majority of its time in Narnia.

  For the next half an hour Gayle and Clive got dressed in the same room, at the same time, something they hadn’t done in ages, and laughed and joked about… complete nonsense. Anything and everything. Just like they used to.

  By ten to two, Clive and Gayle were sitting in the front room, ready for the arrival of Jeremy. Clive’s suit looked ok despite not being dry-cleaned for the best part of ten years and the worrying dusty creases had miraculously cleaned and ironed out so you almost couldn’t see them. With his best “formal” black shoes and the freshly ironed white shirt and “best”, red and gold, tie he was looking pretty good. Gayle had chosen her cream “party frock”, had styled her hair into a sophisticated half up / hair down do and was wearing her most dangerously red lipstick. Her Kurt Geiger boots had been slipped on nicely, and relatively easily, not giving away a hint of the feel-like-they’ve-been-in-a-clamp-for-a-fortnight feet she thought she may be facing later. Both Gayle and Clive were feeling great, especially as each of them had remarked on how good the other was looking. Gayle had even suggested that Clive didn’t have the shave he was about to have as she liked how he looked with a couple of days’ worth of stubble; something she had never mentioned before.

  As Gayle sat there admiring her boots but now recognising the early signs of tightening, and wondering whether she would ever be able to walk properly ever again if she wore them all afternoon, Clive stared at her and thought to himself that she had never looked better. She really was the most beautiful woman in the world. How had he not told her this each and every day? He wondered, once again, how the hell he had let things get this far; this desperate.

  “Are you hungry?” Gayle asked, perhaps noticing that Clive was almost drooling.

  He nodded his head.

  DING-DONG.

  They both looked out of the window and noticed that unmistakeable maroon car parked outside, before looking at each other, shocked.

  “What the.....?” began Gayle. “Did you hear the car arrive?”

  Clive shook his head as a look of confusion grew on his face.

  “How does he do that?”

  Half an hour of driving later, Jeremy advised them both that they were nearly at the “final destination”; thankfully adding that there was nothing to fear as he hadn’t meant it as “any kind of reference to the film series” – something that he had amused himself with greatly. By the way they were headed, out into the countryside; Gayle pictured a table for an afternoon lunch in a fancy country hotel; or maybe a quaint little pub, with an intimate table for two by a large open fireplace. They were maybe both a little dressed inappropriately for that but it didn’t matter. If this was to be her and Clive’s last supper; then a table for two by an open fire seemed as nice as anywhere. But actually, Jeremy hadn’t said they were overdressed so perhaps it was more likely to be the country hotel? Maybe they were going to have a meal and a treatment at a fancy spa or something?

  Very nice.

  Oh, they were about to find out because Jeremy had set his left indicator going and they were headed towards a turning with a gravel path and a large sign. As the sign became readable though, it wasn’t quite the “welcome to country hotel and health spa” type of thing that Gayle was imagining. It actually read: Whispering Woods Paintballing and Go Kart Centre.

  What the hell?

  Gayle felt her stomach lurch in horror. Had she really allowed herself to think that, with Jeremy in charge of proceedings, they may actually be headed to something that wasn’t completely weird; something that may actually be nice? She realised that she was a complete fool and only had herself to blame.

  Clive felt his stomach continuing to rumble and couldn’t initially process anything beyond the thought that there must surely be a snack bar wherever they were headed. After he had reassured himself with the hope that there would, at the very least, be a lay-by type portacabin that s
erved greasy burgers, and had a fake hygiene certificate on the flimsy back wall, he begin to wonder whether they were actually going to be paintballing or go-karting.

  Which one would he actually prefer? He had been paintballing twice before and it was pretty painful when you got shot. He had also, both times, been given a gun that didn’t shoot straight. So, initially, he hoped that it would be go-karting. Then again, he had been go-karting at least half a dozen times and, although it was always fun, he had always seemed to be unlucky enough to be given the car that was considerably slower than all the others; so maybe paintballing would be better?

  Clive soon stopped his mind debating the pros and (mostly) cons of which of the two events Jeremy may be headed to because he noticed the look of disgust on Gayle’s face: she looked like she had realised that she had mixed up a hand full of raisins for a pile of rabbit droppings but was trying not to spit them out. Before he could think of anything to say to her to attempt to make her feel better, Jeremy had turned down a left fork off the “main” gravel path. As they bumped along this new route, testing out “antique” Volvo suspension to the max, the mystery of what they would be doing was solved, for as they turned they had passed a large sign reading “Whispering Woods Paintballing. Enter at your own risk.”

  Gayle stared out of the window as, even better still; a few spots of rain began to spatter against it. She watched as the trees, getting thicker and thicker, flickered past her eyes with the look of someone about to enter a gladiator arena. She was either getting herself psyched up for the battle ahead or was completely pissed off. Clive realised the probability of it being the latter was as close to 100% as you could get and so decided against saying anything to her.

  About a mile down the path and into some really rather dense woodland a small car park emerged to mark the end of the road. Jeremy and Clive got out of the car while Gayle remained seated, the same, intense look that now seemed like it would be in place forever, etched onto her face.