Happy Now?

by S M Mala

  Then he laughed out, much louder than before. Flora chuckled in response.

  ‘I saw your prep work for T.D. and it was very good, so unless you really balls it up, then you’ll pass.’

  ‘Do you like T.D.? I hear you’re very good at it,’ she said, looking up at him and smiling.

  Flora realised she couldn’t wipe the grin off her face. Then he looked down and smirked back.

  They were like that for a few seconds and she didn’t know what was happening.

  ‘Ed!’ someone called, startling her out of her little moment.

  It was his dad.

  ‘Hello,’ Ed said, shaking his head and looking at her knee. ‘I was just taking her home. She fell over.’

  Mr Carter was a little shorter than Ed, rounder and stockier but they looked very similar. Flora wondered if he’d look like his dad when he got older.

  ‘That’s kind of you,’ his father replied in his rather smooth Irish accent. She noticed he gave his son a look. ‘Why don’t I give you a lift home?’

  ‘No, that’s fine. It’s not that far,’ sighed Flora, seeing she should get back. ‘I’ll hop along, so to speak.’ She let out an impromptu giggle and watched Ed grin.

  ‘Have you two been drinking?’ his father said, shaking his head from side to side. ‘In lessons?’

  ‘No, I made Ed take me for a drink because I was a bit shaken up,’ she said, smiling brightly and flashing him a glance. ‘I don’t really speak to him that much and he was there when I went crashing to the ground.’

  ‘I see,’ the man said, looking unconvinced. ‘Well, let me escort you home.’

  ‘I can do it dad.’

  ‘I’m sure you can,’ replied Mr Carter before taking Flora’s other arm. ‘How are you young lady? I hardly see you about other than when you’re at the off licence with your friends.’

  ‘Got to get booze somewhere and pubs are far too expensive. You get more for your money in the shop,’ she said, full of authority. ‘Though we do go to the off-licence to buy crisps as well.’

  ‘And here was me thinking it was just four pint bottles of cider.’

  ‘Gaynor and Priti like to drink pints.’ Even Flora knew she was going red when Ed shook his head discreetly. ‘I’m not a drinker.’

  ‘Smells like you are.’

  Flora hobbled along, a Carter on each arm, until she got to her front gate. It was as if her mother had a detector when she came rushing out.

  ‘Flora, what happened now?’ she said, shaking her head from side to side, her neatly dyed black and coiffured short bob still in place. Shirley was a tall woman, two inches higher than Flora. ‘I don’t know how your knees cope. Hello!’ Shirley smiled at the two men. ‘Ernie and Edward Carter, what an escort!’

  ‘If you ask them nicely, they might build you another shed for me to live in,’ Flora mumbled, noticing Ed smile while her mother looked flirtatiously at Ernie.

  Flora always hedged a bet that when her mother described Faith as fast and loose, she was also remising about herself when she was young. It had to be genetics and missed her.

  ‘She fell over so I thought I’d bring her home,’ said Ed, smiling at her mother. ‘I think it’s a deep graze, nothing else.’

  Her mother stepped closer and looked down at her ripped jeans then up at her. She inhaled deeply.

  ‘Have you been drinking?’ she asked, her eyes widening. Flora knew there was going to be another bollocking coming her way. ‘I can smell it from here.’

  ‘I gave her a shot of brandy,’ said Ernie Carter, making Flora glance quickly at him. ‘She was all over the place.’

  ‘I see,’ said her mother, forcing a grin. ‘I’d hate to think you’d gone off drinking with Gaynor and Priti.’

  ‘I can legally do so.’

  ‘Not under my roof,’ Shirley scorned. ‘And getting drunk at your age is not a good thing.’

  ‘I have issues.’

  ‘And don’t I know it,’ her mother sighed.

  Flora looked up and could see John was looking at her through the nets from the front bedroom. She knew they’d probably had an afternoon leg over which meant she was going to be spared hearing them later on that night.

  Her mother’s orgasm scream was enough to make your tummy turn not to mention John’s panting.

  ‘I was telling Ed that I’m going to Brighton,’ Flora said, wanting to see how her mother would react.

  There was nothing. Just the same strained smile.

  ‘Go inside Flora,’ her mother said, shaking her head. ‘And get cleaned up.’

  Flora bent her head and glanced at the Carter men, the exceptionally good looking one was pulling a face. She put on her solemn expression, walking to the door slowly, then turned to put on a bright smile and waved at them, behind her mother’s back before putting her thumbs up.

  Ed burst out laughing which startled the two older people.

  Flora opened the front door and hopped up the stairs to the bathroom.

  ‘Flora, what you done now, girl?’ John asked, in his cockney accent. ‘Your mother will go spare about rippin’ your jeans.’

  ‘It’s fashionable,’ she sighed, glancing at the short, bald headed white man with sun worn skin and large hands.

  John wasn’t horrible.

  He just wasn’t her dad.

  ‘I ‘eard what happened with your father,’ he gently said, which immediately upset Flora. ‘He’s a very busy man and with his new family and all that.’

  ‘He doesn’t want to know and he doesn’t care,’ she said, walking towards the bathroom door. ‘He let Faith go and visit six months ago but not me. I get it. I know where I stand. The sooner I go to Brighton the better, then everyone can just carry on and forget about me.’

  John smiled at her sympathetically, moving closer.

  ‘I know this year it’s been a bit of a change but I love your mother very much,’ he said gently.

  ‘Really? You love her? Even with her constant moaning over and over again?’ Flora asked before realising her mother was at the bottom of the stairs, looking up.

  ‘And we want you to be happy,’ he continued. ‘Be a family.’

  Then Flora snapped.

  It had taken her weeks and months to get to this stage, plus the drink had loosened her tongue.

  ‘Of course you both do!’ she said, very loudly. ‘That’s why I spend my life in my room, trying to keep out of your way.’

  ‘That’s not fair and don’t speak to John like that!’ her mother barked.

  ‘You say to me ‘why don’t you go to your room and do this and do that’ so I do. I know you want to live your life mum, you’ve told me time and time again. But I want to live mine too. I feel trapped and I want to go to Brighton, if only to live in a bigger room on my own.’

  ‘You’re not going! Why can’t you get a job and forget about your art? It’s not going to make you rich, is it?’

  ‘That’s the second time someone has said that to me! Just because Faith’s ambition is to see how many men she can screw before reaching thirty doesn’t mean we’re all like that!’

  Her mother’s face looked like thunder whereas John was trying not to laugh.

  ‘Listen, I 've got an idea,’ John said, stepping forward as Shirley stared daggers at Flora. ‘Why don’t you do your art foundation at a local college? Your grant won’t be affected then do your degree wherever you want to. Like you said, Flora, you have to decide what you want to do. You might as well stay here, girl and keep your Saturday job.’ He then cleared his throat. ‘And it’s not all one way, darlin’. Sometimes you just lock yourself away.’

  Taking a deep breath, she glared at her mother.

  ‘Are you sure you want me here?’ Flora asked, seeing Shirley’s eyes half close. ‘I don’t want to be a burden.’

  ‘Enough of your lip and go to your room!’ her mother shouted out, looking furious. ‘I’ve had enough of your nonsense.’

  Instead, Flora went to the bathroom and slammed the d
oor shut, making sure it was bolted.

  ‘I need to clean my wound!’ she shouted back, turning on the shower if only to stop anyone from hearing her sobs.

  As she showered, all she could think about was Ed.

  It was if he had taken over her mind. Her body was tingling at the thought he touched her and it made her feel good.

  Then she shook her head in dismay.

  There was no way he would fancy her.

  That was a lost hope and she didn’t want to be part of the gaggle of girls pining for him.

  But just then, she realised she was like everyone else and wanted him more than anything else, right now, in the world.

  That would have made her very happy.

  The last time they spoke…

  ‘What time?’

  … Flora asked, trying to make out she was working when Gaynor was stood in the aisle.

  Today Flora was stacking sanitary towels while glancing over her shoulder.

  ‘I’ll meet you in the pub at eight and then we can get pissed. Is it okay for you to spend the night round mine?’ asked Gaynor, looking at the incontinence knickers.

  ‘Listen, home life is like morgue. Two miserable women having problems with their men. They won’t even notice I’ve gone.’

  ‘Priti is coming with her new man, Giles. God he’s ugly!’ Gaynor laughed. ‘Some lecturer at her college.’

  ‘She’s doing politics so he’s probably an out of work councillor,’ shrugged Flora, grinning to herself. ‘Not the most attractive, you know.’

  ‘And I’m bringing Jason and he’s hot.’

  ‘What if you get off with him tonight, what do I do?’

  ‘You’ll be in the spare room and I’ll keep the noise down. With my parents being away, we’ve got the whole house.’ Gaynor moved closer. ‘And could you bring your copy of ‘The Joy of Sex’?’

  ‘Why?’ Flora asked, seeing the Deputy Manager look over at her.

  ‘My copy got a little messy and I thought I’d borrow yours as it won’t get used for another ten years,’ sniggered Gaynor. ‘What happened with Otis?’

  ‘We finished,’ she said, putting her nose up in the air.

  ‘He chucked you because you wouldn’t give out?’

  ‘I just couldn’t,’ she said miserably. ‘It was like trying to knock down a brick wall. My fanny being the brick obstacle and his willy being, his willy. He accused me of not being able to commit to him, nothing to do with the fact I wasn’t ready and he just tried to plunge in.’

  ‘I don’t want to hear,’ Gaynor said, shaking her head from side to side. ‘Your meaningless love life doesn’t thrill me, it makes me feel sad.’ Then she grinned. ‘But he was good looking.’

  ‘Goes to show that good looking men are shit in bed. Well, Priti will agree considering she’s going out with someone aesthetically challenged.’ Flora let out a sigh. ‘Brighton roll on.’

  ‘I’m going to miss you. The fact you went to Hounslow Borough to do your art foundation was a good move,’ sighed Gaynor, moving closer.

  ‘For whom? All the Indian girls hated me, saying I was trying to be white and the whites said ‘oh, we’d love to have your colour skin’. Of course they wouldn’t when there’s a pack of skinheads chasing you down the road.’

  ‘You’re beginning to sound like Priti and her right on left wing stance.’

  ‘At least she’s got one… but lousy taste in men.’ They both giggled. ‘She’s happy so good luck to her.’

  ‘We’re all staying in London, why can’t you?’

  ‘Nothing to keep me,’ she said and smiled, seeing Gaynor’s sympathetic look. ‘And that slut bag of sister has now moved back home. Her haggis man said he was following and left her with his mother, never turning up and calling the engagement off. My mum was livid and went all the way up north and brought her back down. So being out of the house this weekend is a godsend. That sister of my, she wails like an animal wanting to be put down.’

  ‘We can have fun tonight, go home late and then have a pub lunch,’ sighed Gaynor, not listening to a word Flora said and noticing the cosmetic counter. ‘Got to go. Getting my roots done.’

  ‘Nice,’ smiled Flora as she continued to work, dreading going back home to get changed.

  Walking into the dining room in her Boots uniform, she noticed her sister was sitting at the table, miserably eating a fruitcake. Flora was going to say something but decided it was best to keep silent.

  She looked up and could hear her mother on the phone.

  Now, she wasn’t in a good mood either. John was considering accepting a job in Liverpool. He was currently there, meeting the senior managers.

  Flora just wanted to go out and have some fun. There was one week until she fled to Brighton and that was good enough for her. Walking into her bedroom, it felt like she’d been packed and ready to go for months.

  Showered and changed, she dried her hair and put on a strappy long summer dress, which was dark blue with an Aztec bronze pattern. She’d got it from Top Shop and thought it looked nice. Doing a double check in the mirror, she looked alright but her bum still stuck out too much.

  She checked she had all her things and taking a small bag as well as her satchel, she walked downstairs.

  It was a place of sorrow.

  Her mum and sister were nursing a bottle of rose Lambrusco from Marks and Spencer. Getting a glass, Flora helped herself to a quick slug of the sweet liquid, smiling to herself.

  Soon she would be free of misery.

  ‘Okay I’m off,’ she said cheerfully.

  ‘What time are you coming back?’ her mother asked, glancing over. ‘You look nice.’

  ‘Thanks,’ she replied and was met with a snarl from her sister.

  ‘So you’re going out,’ Faith said, giving her a filthy look. ‘I thought you’d want to stay home as it’s my first weekend back.’

  ‘Oh no! I really want to go out,’ she mumbled. ‘I’m staying the night round Gaynor’s then we’re meeting for lunch tomorrow. I’ll be back by late afternoon. It’s our last weekend together. And then we might go to the pub tomorrow night. I’ll play it by ear.’

  ‘Why don’t you bring them back here?’

  ‘Because…’ she said, glancing at Faith. ‘She doesn’t like the noise we make when I do. Anyway, it’s nice, just the two of you. You can chat about men. Got to go.’

  Flora sped out of the place and heard her mother shout out,

  ‘Be careful!’

  She ran towards the E3 which would take her to the other side of town and away from the depression of her family.

  It was seven thirty. She knew Gaynor and Priti would have got there early and no doubt all the others. Some ex school friends and other people they all mutually knew.

  All Flora wanted to do was spend some time with her friends before leaving town.

  Changing bus, because she couldn’t be arsed to walk, she noticed a gathering outside the pubs down the river. It was a warm night and so everyone was out enjoying the remarkable summer sunshine for London.

  When she got to the designated place, it was heaving. Full of faces she recognised.

  Her stomach sank thinking it was going to be like a school reunion, which she dreaded. The only people she kept in touch with were Priti and Gaynor. They were the ones who kept in touch with the others, not her.

  Then she heard the screech of laughter coming from Gaynor.

  Flora knew already she was drunk.

  Following the high pitched sound, she walked towards her friend, being held up by some rugby player shaped bloke, obviously Jason.

  ‘I’m so pissed,’ laughed out Gaynor. ‘Someone must have mixed my drinks cos everyone keeps buying me them.’

  ‘And you’re surprised your drunk?’ sighed Flora, looking at her dishevelled friend.

  ‘I thought that was you, Flora,’ slurred Priti with her ugly beau to the side. ‘This is Giles.’

  ‘Hi!’ Flora said, seeing her other friend was in no fitte
r state. ‘I’m going to get a drink. I’d offer to buy you two one but I think you’ve had enough.’

  Darting towards the bar, she knew it wasn’t going to be a late one but Flora didn’t want to go home. The girls would probably bow out about nine and she would either have to go home or have a pizza at Mario’s on her own.

  The last one was her best option.

  Getting a large glass of rose wine, Flora walked back out then stopped on the stairs. She noticed Kew Bridge and remembered walking across to go to Kew Gardens. It was years ago but she never forgot it and then felt sick thinking about what happened eight months previous, the reason she wasn’t allowed to go to visit her dad.

  All of a sudden, she wanted to cry at the thought and the grief she was going through.

  ‘Not now,’ she muttered to herself, doing her little breathing exercise to stop crying.

  It was her new technique to hide all her pain. It worked by making her seem far more unemotional than usual, but the pain still bubbled aggressively in her chest.

  Then she took a swig of her drink, glancing over at her drunken friends who seemed happy enough.

  She wished she was in Brighton. Her room was ready for her to move into but she held off for another week.

  Flora wanted desperately to get away from all the pain and grief surrounding her.

  But she knew it would be carried with her.

  It was her pain and grief she was dealing with.

  Then she turned and realised Ed Carter was there, with a group of people.

  This stunned her as well as causing a deep reaction on her gut, making it feel as if she lost her breath.

  It was over year ago when she fell over. Since then, he’d not uttered a word to her, or even acknowledged her existence. Flora even tried to get some money sent to him but the envelope was returned, the comment from Ed via his friend Russell.

  ‘He doesn’t know about any money you owe him,’ Russell told her before being cheeky enough to ask her out.

  Flora refused and took back the money. She felt embarrassed as it looked like she was vying for his attention and the boy had rebuffed her, as if she wasn’t good enough.