Happy Now?

by S M Mala

  It was a sore subject and he left well alone.

  Everyone had their own little mishap in one shape or form.

  And he had something in common with Matias.

  They were both dating much younger women.

  ‘I thought about reconciling once but I knew she’d refuse,’ he said quickly, making Ed’s eyes dart towards him. ‘I made a simple mistake and she won’t forgive me. It was wrong so let’s just move on. But she can’t. I’m seeing her today. It’s her birthday. I got her a present.’

  ‘For a man who says he’s moving on, you’re not, are you?’

  ‘I still love her but I know it's over. All I want is her forgiveness and that’s hard for her. Four years and she still holds a grudge.’

  ‘Like most women.’

  ‘She’s not like most women,’ said Matias, smiling to himself. ‘And that’s the problem. She’s not like any other woman I’ve met in my life and that’s why I fell in love with her. I hope she knows what I’m willing to do to make her see I’m not a bad man.’

  ‘Why’d she move out other than wanting to split up?’

  ‘She told me she couldn’t stand the sight of me. And that really hurt. She moved to a part of London where we wouldn’t have to bump into each other. When I pick up the kids, it’s a quick exchange of words and then we’re off. I know she’s slipping away.’ He let out a hefty sigh. ‘Just don’t let the guys aggravate her. I don’t want to make it worse. Mrs Sosa isn’t the most patient of people.’

  ‘I’ll remember that. I’m going to keep an eye on the job and then when the carpentry needs to be done, I’ll make sure I manage it properly.’ Ed leaned forward. ‘What did you do?’

  ‘I disappointed and hurt her, so she says, as well as abandoning her when she needed me the most.’

  Ed recalled hearing someone say that before.

  He couldn’t remember who.

  ‘Thank you for your kind words,’

  … laughed Flora as she heard Gaynor finish singing down the phone. ‘And you smell like poo is not original, you know.’

  ‘Makes me laugh,’ her friend said, yawning. ‘I had a late one last night.’

  ‘With whom?’

  ‘Some young stallion. Only twenty and fit as hell.’

  ‘You’re just a randy divorcee,’ said Flora, glancing around her home. ‘And I’m waiting to become one of those.’

  ‘Randy?’

  ‘Divorced. And Matias is coming round this afternoon. Only he could try and sabotage my birthday.’

  ‘What does he want?’ Her old friend’s tone was now very chilly. ‘Tell him to sign the papers and set you free.’

  ‘I’ve tried that one but he’s not letting go. This renovation is his way of apologising.’

  ‘After what he did?’

  ‘I know. I’m not backing down but if he wants to fork out for it, I’m going to let him. The place needs a bit of work and he owes me for letting him keep the house.’

  ‘But you hated it.’

  ‘He doesn’t know that, does he?’ She laughed again. ‘And I wanted to move back to West London.’

  ‘And near us,’ Gaynor whispered. ‘We still on for this Saturday? Priti, you and me.’

  ‘And Lisa. I asked her too. She’s part of the team.’

  ‘I’ll let you off because it’s your birthday even though she’s northern and I can’t understand a bloody word she says.’ Gaynor laughed and then there was silence. ‘I didn’t think a few years ago we’d be celebrating your birthday.’

  ‘I wasn’t that bad. Some people get it worse,’ Flora said, knowing how Gaynor took the news badly. ‘And I had really good people around me other than that wanker. I’m well now, a little scarred mentally and physically.’

  Automatically, she touched her breast and felt upset.

  Flora avoided looking at herself naked. The scars weren’t awful, they’d healed up but it was the deep fear that went through her when she realised what was happening to her body.

  The cancer, double subcutaneous mastectomy, her husband walking out. All left its mark and they were on her breasts. That’s all she could see.

  On the rare moments she would glimpse at herself, left her cold and hurt.

  The scars were a reminder of how everything went wrong. All the things she’d wanted, like having a family and being happy were long gone. There was a little self-hate because it was a reminder she could never have the life she wished for when she was younger.

  And part of her felt disgusted with her body for letting her down, throwing away her last hope.

  She knew she’d never take her clothes off in front of a man again or have sex.

  All those days were over.

  Knowing how men had let her down constantly, it was a small relief no one could disappoint or hurt her, even break her heart which had been done by one person, though many years ago, as well as Matias.

  And even when she met Matias she was prepared in the back of her mind to be let down.

  Which he did.

  ‘We’re going to get really drunk,’ Gaynor said enthusiastically. ‘And then we can all go for lunch on Sunday with the kids. What do you think?’

  ‘It’s in the diary. See you then.’

  Putting down the phone, Flora continued to pack the kitchen things away, keeping four sets of everything. She’d located the paper plates and bowls for emergencies.

  The doorbell rang and she knew who it was. She had carefully pre-planned her massage in forty five minutes just to avoid spending time alone.

  The idea she could be civil to him even astounded her but she thought about Lola and Max, and how unhappy they would be if there was a real falling out. Then she smiled remembering her son pointing to her chest.

  Wrapping her loose cardigan over her breasts, she walked to the door.

  ‘Hello,’ Matias said, smiling brightly at her.

  ‘Hello,’ Flora responded, quickly glancing at him before looking away. ‘Come in.’

  She walked back towards the kitchen and continued to pack the things away.

  ‘I told you I could get removal people in,’ he said. She could sense he was walking closer to her. ‘Why didn’t you let me?’

  ‘I want my things here,’ she quietly replied, hoping he wouldn’t lay a finger on her. His tactile actions once made her think he cared. Now it just made her blood run cold. ‘And they can go in my study while this is being sorted. I’ll get the builders to carry the boxes. Then when it’s completed I’ll pick up the rest of my things which you have kindly stored in your garage then it’s finished.’

  ‘Flora,’ he said, his tone now low and deep. ‘Happy birthday. I’ve got you a present.’

  ‘Thanks,’ she said, flicking him a glance, watching him hold it out in his hand. ‘I’ve got a massage booked in forty five minutes before this all kicks off.’

  ‘You’re forever going to Pilates, yoga and all sorts. Don’t you ever stop?’

  ‘I have to make sure I’m healthy for the children. And when you get older, it takes longer to recover.’

  ‘I see. Don’t you want to open your gift?’ Matias sounded agitated.

  She knew he’d get pissed off. That made her happy for a second then deflated.

  Unfortunately it had to be like this.

  There was no other way she could behave.

  It was instinct.

  ‘Put it on the side and I’ll do it later,’ she said, softening her tone.

  ‘What are you doing this evening?’ Matias asked, stepping closer.

  ‘Taking the kids out for something to eat. They’re happy I’m not forcing them to eat grilled salmon, brown rice and lentils.’ She let out a little laugh. ‘Once a week and you think I’m trying to poison them.’

  ‘Can I join-.’

  ‘No.’ Flora turned around and summoned the courage to look at him. When she did, all she felt was an icy determination not to let him back into her life. ‘I play nicely when the kids are around but I don’t mean it. Just r
emember that. I’ll never forgive you. Don’t think I’ll change my mind by buying a gift. Sign the papers and divorce me. You left me, not the other way round.’

  Matias turned around and walked away, towards the living room before standing still.

  ‘Four years ago, today, you went in for surgery. I was scared and when I saw you afterwards, I couldn’t take it. They mutilated my wife.’ He let his head fall forward as the words cut into her. ‘And I left you. Don’t you think I regret it?’

  ‘I think you regret that I survived knowing I'll make you suffer for it for the rest of your life,’ Flora mumbled, knowing he couldn’t hear her from that far away. Then she had to say it. ‘Part of me hates you more than I hated the possibility I could die. I survived but our marriage was the thing that was terminally ill. I just never saw it.’

  Matias sharply turned and she looked straight at him, the anger building up.

  ‘You’re an unforgiving bitch,’ he said, shaking his head from side to side. ‘I want to put this right.’

  ‘You can’t,’ she replied coolly. ‘The only thing you can do is this project and then sign the divorce papers.’

  ‘Change the reasons why,’ he said angrily. ‘Citing that I walked out on your birthday because you had a mastectomy, therefore, calling a day on our marriage is not nice to see in black and white.’

  ‘It’s the truth.’

  ‘If you say irreconcilable differences that would be better.’

  ‘But it wouldn’t be the truth, would it?’

  She knew he was staring at her and she self-consciously folded the cardigan across her breasts, knowing that’s where he would look.

  ‘No-one would know what happened. You look more than perfect,’ said Matias, stepping closer. ‘All I want you to do is forgive me. I know we can’t get back together again though I desperately want to.’

  ‘Ramona won’t be happy.’

  ‘I’m not happy.’

  ‘Matias, just let me go. You did it once before and you can do it again,’ she gently said. ‘Just set me free, if you really care.’

  And deep down, she knew he didn’t. Never did. He liked to have things his own way.

  ‘I gave you everything. I turned into this wife who tried to make you happy and that’s all I ever wanted, was for you to be happy. It’s only now, when I step back, I see that you didn’t do the same for me. I supported you when your business wasn’t doing well and made sure the kids never wanted for anything. When you started getting successful, and I became ill, that’s when your real colours showed.’ Flora took a deep breath. ‘You have a young lover and she adores you, be happy with her. And I hope she never gets ill or she’ll just end feeling like me. There are only so many times you can renovate a house as a forgiveness gesture.’

  ‘That’s unfair!’

  ‘Okay if you care so much, let’s go to bed, in the one I hate so much and you kindly lent me, to make love.’ As she said it, Flora wanted to laugh at the look of horror. The fear and disgust that was slapped all over his face. This is the expression she witnessed from the moment they found out it was cancer and it got worse. When she was in the hospital, the dressing being changed, he accidentally saw one line of stitches on her breast. The only expression he had was repulsion. That’s the image that stuck hard in Flora’s head. ‘Sign the papers and divorce me. We’re no longer compatible on many levels.’

  ‘Flora, you know it’s very hard-.’

  ‘I have to go,’ Flora quietly said, seeing he was getting upset. ‘Please Matias? Just forget about me.’

  He walked out of the house and slammed the door, making the windows shake.

  Flora let out a breath and buried her head in her hands. She felt guilty when she treated him badly but she couldn’t help it.

  Then she looked at the gift on the table.

  It looked like a watch.

  Opening the packaging, she lifted the lid. It was a delicate dress one. And it wasn’t cheap.

  Still the man had no idea what she liked. Flora glanced at her beaten up old Tag Heuer that she’d had for nearly fifteen years.

  At least that was more reliable than her estranged husband.

  Slowly, she walked up the stairs and opened her wardrobe, pulling out the divorce papers in hope he’d sign them soon.

  Then she saw it.

  The art box she stored her personal trinkets and memorabilia.

  Taking it, she sat on the bed, the one Matias loved so much and begrudgingly let her take. It was a horrible white thing that was made from one piece of acrylic material and shaped into what could only be described as the edging as a roll top bath.

  She hated it as much as Matias.

  Flora then looked at the natural wood she adored and lifted the lid. There were pictures and letters then she noticed a small sketch book with the old yellow and black striped pencil. Flicking through the pages she laughed at her sketches and work then stopped when she saw the last things she’d drawn.

  The naked young man in the back of a white van. She’d kept the receipt from Mario’s, the date she lost her virginity to him was just about evident. The words written on the page,

  ‘I’m happy now.’

  Her happiness seemed so fleeting.

  He never really wanted her.

  Flora wondered if he really cared about her, maybe her life would have been so different. Her cold heart would have been warmer.

  He was the first one who pointed out her icy nature.

  But deep down, she blamed herself.

  Flora knew she’d done something wrong but didn’t know what, and that hurt her the most. All she knew is that she took the opportunity to be with the boy she’d liked for ages, told him she loved him and, somehow, it backfired. She’d heard he’d moved to Fulham within weeks of her going to Brighton and little else was known.

  She’d been his last fling before he decided to stick with his older woman.

  He just used her. That filled her with more disappointment and pain as well as being, once again, abandoned by someone she loved.

  And he was probably happy now where she wasn’t.

  ‘Don’t fuss,’

  …. Noreen said calmly, while they were sat around the dinner table a fortnight later. ‘It’s all routine.’

  Ed tried to hide the fact he felt physically sick as Siobhan discreetly touched his arm. Their father looked ashen and just focussed on the lace tablecloth.

  ‘Mum told me about it last week and I made sure she went to the doctors. They’ll do the mammogram in a few days and then we’ll know,’ his sister said calmly.

  For Ed, this brought back horrible memories of visiting his son, Eddie. He just wanted to run away and hide. Then he noticed his mother was looking at him. Her motherly instinct was always on full alert.

  ‘Whatever will be, will be,’ she calmly said. ‘It’s a little lump, nothing more or less. I mean, at my age, I’ve done well enough to keep it all at bay. I’m seventy soon and nothing is going to stop me from having a party!’

  He caught his father’s eye and saw the pain he was holding back.

  ‘I can pay for you to go private,’ Ed said, sitting up and swallowing the sob in his throat. ‘We can get this sorted sooner.’

  ‘I am going private already,’ his mother gently replied. ‘Ed, you mustn’t worry over this, do you hear me? You’ve been through enough in the past few years.’

  ‘You’re my mum, I can’t help but worry.’

  ‘I’ll beat it, whatever it is.’

  Slowly, he got to his feet and walked out into the garden, needing some fresh air. He wanted to cry his heart out. Ed couldn’t bear to lose his mother. He was only just coming to terms with his son’s death. This was too soon for him.

  ‘Ed,’ he heard his sister gently say. ‘Are you all right?’

  ‘No.’

  ‘She worries about you so much, you know that don’t you? The trauma of losing Eddie and now this. Don’t bottle things up, let it go. That’s what got your head into a
mess last time.’

  He sat on the garden chair and looked out on the pristine area, tended to so carefully by his mother. Looking up at his older sister, she looked exactly like their mum and his heart started to crumble. There was nothing he could do.

  Ed cried.

  Siobhan wrapped her arms around him and he quietly sobbed into her chest.

  ‘Now that doesn’t mean I want you to start sobbing every time I say it,’ his sister laughed. ‘You have to let it out. It’s not good for you.’

  Holding back in his grief, he looked up at his sister.

  ‘My baby little brother,’ she said, holding his face. ‘The last time you really cried was… anyway… let’s forget about it.’

  ‘I think I’ve been crying for three years.’

  ‘The first time you sobbed and broke down was nearly twenty five years ago when Diane came round,’ she whispered. ‘You were so upset and I know you were at a loss on what to do.’

  It came suddenly hurtling into his head.

  What happened the day he dropped her home, after promising her everything then never seeing her again.

  Flora.

  He was so stuck and confused after practically planning their lives together.

  ‘Some other woman?’ Siobhan smiled.

  ‘I can’t recall her name but at the time, I was scared. It was a big thing and a shock.’

  ‘Mum wasn’t happy.’

  ‘Well, she was happy enough when Diane told her she was pregnant with twins,’ he said quietly, recalling how he felt.

  Trapped and forced into sticking with a woman he didn’t love and letting the one he did go off, never to see her again.

  And he tried so hard to trace Flora afterwards but she simply disappeared as did her family in a matter of weeks.

  She never bothered to get in touch with him.

  He put it down to her not caring and moving onto something else when she was in Brighton.

  Then she would have heard he was with Diane and they were expecting. Ed did the right thing, mainly on his mother’s instruction, to stand by the woman. If he did the crime he would do the time, she said again and again.

  Everyone knew he was unhappy but he did as he was told. Stuck it out until the kids were ten then he had to go. Much to his mother’s annoyance, he never married Diane. He couldn’t.