Happy Now?

by S M Mala

  ‘They flew him back to England and …’ Ed bit hard on his lip. ‘They said he wasn’t going to make it. I got scared, you see, didn’t want to look at my son’s disfigured body so I avoided him for a day. The family were there but I couldn’t face it.’

  ‘Ed that’s a hard thing to go through.’

  ‘I thought it was about seeing what was left of my boy in a bed but it wasn’t. It was the fact I had to see him knowing I’d never set eyes on him again. And it hurt.’ He took a deep breath, holding in his pain. ‘I walked into that room, his mother and sister were there. Mum and dad were by my side. I held his hand and he said ‘it’s going to be alright, dad, don’t worry.’ It was my baby boy trying to reassure me. Then he died, holding on to my hand so tightly. What was I afraid of? Seeing his disfigured body? No. I was petrified of losing him and I did.’

  Their eyes met and were locked for a moment.

  There was something heavy pressing on his chest.

  Ed rarely spoke about Eddie, what happened and how he felt. With Flora, it seemed easy because he could see she’d gone through a tough time.

  ‘You’re very brave,’ she said, her smile now pained. ‘It’s horrible facing up to something you’re scared of. Was your son like you?’

  ‘He was a better person,’ Ed eventually replied, standing up. ‘Flo, I’m not embarrassed about what happened between us. I never forgot but it didn’t turn out how I planned.’

  Flora looked away, glancing at her screen then gulped hard.

  ‘Did I do something wrong?’ she asked earnestly, looking up at him. ‘I must have done something to make you change your mind. For years, I couldn’t figure out what it was.’

  ‘It was a long time ago.’

  ‘I know,’ she replied, closing her eyes. ‘But it changed everything for me.’

  ‘What do you mean?’

  ‘It doesn’t matter,’ she shrugged, smiling up at him. ‘I’m pleased we had a nice memory together. I wouldn’t have been surprised if you had forgotten all about it.’

  ‘Why would I do that?’

  ‘Because I was just another one on your list, I expect, and it didn’t really matter.’

  Ed walked out of the room, closing the door firmly shut, realising that’s what she had thought for all those years and how wrong she was.

  It mattered too much to him.

  That was always the problem.

  ‘Time’s a great healer,’

  … Gaynor said with authority as they sat having coffee the following day. ‘Now look at my piles.’

  ‘Where did that line come from?’ asked Priti, checking her watch and glancing at Flora. ‘What’s so urgent you wanted to meet? I’ve got a meeting in half an hour.’

  ‘Yeah and I’ve got a lunch date too,’ smirked Gaynor. ‘With someone from her dating agency.’

  ‘The bloke I met last weekend was pitiful and that’s being nice,’ sighed Priti. ‘Where’s my prince charming when I need one?’

  ‘Probably waiting to be released from Wormwood Scrubs?’ smirked Gaynor. ‘You get all those prisoners writing to you.’

  ‘Only because they need my help from being locked up.’

  ‘I wanted to tell you both something,’ replied Flora, skimming the froth off her cappuccino. Then she looked up and caught their alarmed expressions. ‘No, I’m fine, very healthy.’

  ‘Don’t say things like that,’ Gaynor said, taking a deep breath. ‘We worry you know.’

  Flora looked at the pair and it had been bugging her since she spoke to Ed the previous day. His expression she couldn’t fathom out. She thought it was regret based on how he treated her or he was simply embarrassed but trying not to be.

  ‘I never told you before,’ she began. ‘I was humiliated and it was really hard to talk about.’ Flora took a deep breath. ‘Twenty five years ago I slept with Ed Carter. Remember we went to the pub and you two go shit faced?’ Both of them were now staring. ‘We went for a pizza and one thing led to another. It was lovely but he stood me up the next day and I didn't see him again, until a few weeks ago. I never told anyone because, well, he sort of used me as a one night stand.’

  They were both still looking at her then they glanced at each other.

  ‘I’m sorry not to have been honest about it. I’ve never held back on anything else, just that. I felt stupid. Ed Carter the boy who could get any girl he wanted, wanted me for one night. He even asked me to change from Brighton and study in London. For that moment I really considered it. Jesus, imagine if I had done?’

  Flora sipped her drink and realised they weren’t saying anything.

  It looked bad.

  ‘We know,’ Gaynor replied, moving closer and taking Flora’s hand.

  ‘How? Flora replied, shocked.

  ‘He never said anything. I don’t think he went around boasting about it.’

  ‘He was probably mortally embarrassed.’

  ‘But he asked about you. Where you were, what you were doing,’ she said quietly. ‘If you were okay.’

  Flora looked at Gaynor, trying to take it all in.

  ‘Why didn’t you ever say before?’ asked Flora.

  ‘Why didn’t you?’

  ‘I really liked him,’ she whispered, looking at Priti. ‘I thought, aged nineteen, that he liked me and we planned so much that night and morning. I believed everything he said. I’d met a man who wasn’t going to disappoint, hurt and abandon me but he did because he didn’t really want me. That seems to be a constant thing when it comes to me and men.’

  ‘And you don’t know why he never got in contact?’ asked Priti, sipping her herbal tea. ‘Didn’t anyone ever tell you what happened?’

  ‘I left for Brighton then mum sold our home and moved to Liverpool. I only ever saw you two so I wouldn’t have known anything.’ Flora smiled. ‘The day he stood me up I went to his house, worried he’d been killed but he was with a woman. That’s when I knew he’d made a fool out of me. I was just like the margarine I’m named after, easy spread.’

  ‘Listen Flora,’ said Gaynor, clearing her throat and stroking her hair. ‘You don’t have a problem with men. You’re not good at finding them. I think all three of us have that in common. But Ed fathered kids really young. I heard, on the grapevine, he knocked up this woman and his parents forced him to stick by her. They had twins and the son died.’

  ‘He told me yesterday about it,’ she said, remembering how upset he looked when he spoke. ‘I think he was trying to tell me, in a roundabout way, that Matias’s reaction to my operation was due to the fear of seeing someone he loved in pain. He doesn’t really know Matias that well.’

  ‘Seriously, can I get someone to do him over? I know people, you know,’ whispered Gaynor. ‘It would be an honour.’

  ‘And I’d be an accessory to a crime as well as Flora,’ huffed Priti, starting to laugh. ‘I could think of a few of my colleagues you can do it too.’ Then she turned to Flora. ‘But now, what’s going on with you two?’

  ‘Nothing,’ laughed Flora. ‘We’ve hardly spoken to each other and-.'

  ‘Lisa knew, didn’t she?’ asked Gaynor accusingly. ‘You told your new friend but you didn’t tell us.’

  ‘I’ve known Lisa for twenty four years. She’s not exactly new, is she?’

  ‘You told her and you didn’t tell us!’

  ‘Gaynor, I was heartbroken. I’d liked that boy for years and suddenly, for the first time in my life, I got something I wanted. It was like a miracle. Being with him was a miracle. Then, as per usual, it goes tits up and I’m dumped.’

  ‘It was one night,’ sighed Gaynor. ‘It happens.’

  ‘It was her first love. Even I could see he fancied you, you know,’ said Priti. ‘You don’t forget that too quickly though I can’t remember my first night as I was shit faced.’

  ‘He asked me if I was better yesterday,’ Flora said, unable to get the conversation with him out of her head. ‘I told him I was and then he said he wasn’t embarrassed about what ha
ppened. You see, when he came round when you two were there, I told him I hadn’t said anything and he needn’t be embarrassed.’ Then she looked at them. ‘Matias hasn’t once asked if I’m better, do you know that?’

  ‘I can have him,’ Gaynor said, looking angry. ‘One night, bang! It’s done.’

  ‘What’s going through your head?’ asked Priti.

  ‘I don’t know. His mother wants us to go out for dinner and he doesn’t want to. I’d like to talk to him and find out how his life turned out.’

  ‘Why?’

  ‘Because I want to know if he’s happy, that’s all.’

  ‘What’s bothering you?’

  … Harry asked as they sat in the pub on Friday night for a drink. ‘You’re deep in thought.’

  Since speaking to Flora, all Ed could do was think about what she said and it was now bothering him.

  ‘How’s work?’

  ‘Fine,’ replied Ed, trying to smile but finding it hard.

  ‘You’ve been hard to track down,’ his friend said then looked around. ‘Lee’s not coming to join us, is he?’

  Harry broke out into a cheeky grin, always making Ed smile.

  ‘I know you don’t like him,’ Ed said quietly, leaning forward. ‘But he’s okay in small doses.’

  ‘Very small doses.’ Harry’s smile faded. ‘He was a little harsh about Flora, wasn’t he? I’ve never seen him so angry. What did she do?’ Harry asked, taking a sip of his pint. ‘And you’re still working at her place?’ Taking a moment, Ed didn’t know what to say. ‘Are you sure you’re okay?’

  ‘You know who she is. I’ve spoken about the one who got away,’ he said quietly, avoiding eye contact. ‘She’s lovely. Flora hasn’t changed.’

  ‘She’s been talking to your mum about the operation. And she’s been through it herself?’

  ‘Yes. We spoke a few days ago. I told her about Eddie and she briefly mentioned her operation. It was odd, speaking to her. It felt good and I don’t know why I told her how I felt. It seemed she’d been through something similar and it was a natural thing to do.’

  People were starting to walk in but there was an eerie silence in his head.

  ‘Do you think we forget about things that happened in the past? Is it so easy?’ Ed asked out loud. ‘She said she was surprised I remembered her. How could I have forgotten Flora? Doesn’t she understand?’

  ‘Maybe she thinks because you didn’t meet her when you said you would, that could be because you didn’t want to.’

  ‘I should explain it but then again I wonder if she wants to know.’

  ‘Did she tell remind you about what happened?’ Harry thought hard. ‘It’s unfinished business, so to speak. Why don’t you sit down and tell her why you never turned up.’

  ‘What good would that do? It makes me look more of a prick than usual.’

  ‘That’s not just feasible,’ laughed Harry, shaking his head. ‘In those days, a woman says she’s on the pill, you take it she was.’ He hesitated. ‘Diane wasn’t the worse woman in the world to get hooked up with.’

  He took a gulp of his drink and sat back in his chair, looking at his best friend’s cheerful face.

  ‘I was never in love with her. I tried but I didn’t feel that way. We had the kids, family and I wanted to be there. It was my duty. But I can’t help thinking I lost so much of my life,’ he said quietly. ‘I don’t regret my children, never in a million years but I wished I could have been with someone I loved, really loved.’ Ed broke into a sad smile. ‘You’ve been with Virginia, you’re a lucky man.’

  ‘Listen mate, don’t go telling me your sorry tale of having a hard life,’ Harry laughed. ‘You made sure Diane and the kids were fine then you had fun. Lots of fun.’ He let out a loud sigh. ‘Then after Eddie, you made the biggest mistake of your life and paid the price.’

  ‘I used her. Jessica was kind and I was being-.'

  ‘Middle aged man looking for solace after the death of your only boy,’ said Harry quietly. ‘It didn’t last long enough to hurt anyone.’

  ‘Other than my mother.’

  ‘You never married the mother of your children but you married a twenty one year old instead, after a two month courtship. I never saw that coming.’

  ‘Neither did I,’ he said, shaking his head. ‘What a fuck up!’

  ‘I’m sure Jessica is fine, riding her daddy’s ponies in the English countryside,’ Harry smirked. ‘But what about you? You’re still dating younger women.’

  ‘I like them.’

  ‘Sounds like you’re trying to make up for lost time.’

  ‘There are no strings attached.’

  ‘There are always strings attached here,’ Harry said, pointing to his heart. ‘And sometimes certain ones can’t be cut. Now take this Flora. There’s obviously something still there for you.’

  ‘Twenty five years ago! We’ve changed so much.’

  ‘Does she look the same?’

  ‘Honestly,’ Ed started to smile brightly. ‘She does.’

  ‘Ask her out. Meet her for coffee. Do something so she doesn’t disappear out of your life again. You never know, you might not like each other now.’

  ‘My mum says she’s sad,’ gulped Ed. ‘Look, I know when to leave well alone and Flora’s part of the past. Dead and buried.’

  ‘Ha, but that’s where you’re wrong. She’s very much alive and is currently surrounded in a pyre of your wood. If I were you, I’d have a chat and see what she thinks, that’s if you care. Do you care?’

  ‘Honestly? I’m not sure.’

  ‘What happened?’

  … Flora whispered. Lola had rushed up to her room and Max was looking around. ‘Who upset her?’

  ‘The one from the bus stop, Jay. They’d been texting and stuff. Then she thought he was going to ask her out today, the last day of term. He asks her friend Poppy instead. She said yes and Lola’s upset.’

  Max put his school bag up on the hook before taking off his shoes. The builders were still around due to Simon accidentally drilling through a water pipe. The new flooring had been flooded but Flora could see it was all under control.

  The poor young man just looked ashen from the chaos as Flora left to pick up Max. Even she was shocked to see Lola get off the bus so early. She’d given permission for her to go to Poppy’s house but her child obviously changed her mind.

  ‘And how do you know all this?’ she asked Max, checking to see what homework they’d given him for the summer.

  The bag was empty but she knew he had probably hidden the extra homework. Flora glanced in his library book then saw the scrunched up paper in the side pocket.

  ‘She was talking to Lizzie,’ he said, looking at the ground. Flora knew he had a crush on the young half Chinese girl who resembled a very pretty doll. ‘I don’t like Poppy anyway. She’s stuck up and think she’s brilliant. I think she looks like a troll.’

  ‘That’s not nice.’

  ‘It’s the truth!’

  ‘So this Jay,’ she continued, walking her son into the kitchen, so they were out of earshot. ‘Where does he live?’

  ‘Oh no you don’t,’ laughed Max, washing his hands in the sink. ‘I know you’re going to track him down and knock his lights out!’

  She noticed Simon was in the corner of the room, sanding some skirting. The young man glanced up and smiled.

  ‘I would never harm a hair on the head of an under aged child,’ she said loudly. ‘But he strings my girl along so he can go out with that little strumpet, Poppy. That’s not on.’

  ‘What’s a strumpet?’

  ‘Ask your Auntie Faith,’ Flora mumbled under her breath. ‘The builders are here because they’re fixing something.’

  ‘Why’s it wet on the floor?’ asked Max looking around. ‘Was there a leak?’

  ‘It’s fine. It’ll all be sorted. We’re lucky it’s a warm day,’ she said, letting out a little sigh. ‘Now, do you want to go out for pizza instead of getting in the way of this lot?�
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  ‘I thought you said it was going to be finished by the end of term? It’s the end of term and it’s not,’ her son whispered loudly, putting his fingers into the lollipop jar. Flora gently slapped his hand. ‘Can’t I have one?’

  ‘Eat proper food and then you can have ice cream. Go and get changed. Tell your sister we’ll leave in forty five minutes.’

  ‘Can I play on the PlayStation?’

  ‘Yes, when we get back home. We need to cheer up Lola. I know how these boys operate and I don’t want her to sulk all summer.’

  ‘That would be tragic,’ her son said solemnly, walking slowly up the stairs. ‘When are we going on holiday?’

  ‘Eight days.’

  ‘Can’t wait.’

  Flora listened to his thumping footsteps above and shook her head.

  ‘Boyfriend trouble?’ asked Simon, standing up. Flora was taken aback on how much he looked like his uncle. ‘Tough time, secondary school. I never quite got it right.’

  ‘Me neither,’ she smiled. ‘Your Uncle Ed sussed it out quickly.’

  ‘Oh yeah,’ he grinned. ‘So mum said.’

  ‘Do you have any brothers and sisters?’

  ‘Just me. I have Amelia and there was Eddie but he died.’

  ‘I heard. I’m sorry to hear about it. Must have been a tough time,’ she said gently, walking towards him. ‘When someone is so young, you know they had their lives ahead of them. How long ago did he pass away?’

  ‘Three years.’

  ‘Same time as my mum,’ she said, feeling upset. ‘Max and Lola loved that woman. Broke their hearts. I’d split from their dad just before and I was…’ Flora didn’t want to say anymore. ‘It was hard. How old was he?’

  ‘He would have been twenty-one, just before their birthdays. He’s a twin. I mean, was a twin.’ Gulping hard, he looked away. ‘I’m sorry about the leak. I didn’t know there was a pipe there.’

  ‘I like indoor water features but Derek, he doesn’t look so pleased.’ She glanced out of the window watching the man in question peer inside. ‘Doesn’t matter. Things happen and I know you didn’t do it on purpose.’