Happy Now?

by S M Mala

  With disgust.

  All he could see was the girl from such a long time ago, just as confused and lacking in confidence.

  In many ways, Flora hadn’t changed at all and it was as if it had come full circle once again.

  And to top it all, there was an overwhelming feeling of regret from Ed, knowing he could have seen her at the pub, explained the whole thing then let her walk away.

  But he knew, if he’d have done it that would have hurt him more so he was better off never explaining a thing.

  Also there was a bigger possibility it would be harder to let her go.

  Therefore protecting what was left of an eighteen year old's crumbling heart.

  ‘A disaster,’

  … Flora said, forcing out a laugh. ‘He came and left within thirty minutes. I take longer than that in fast food outlets.’

  Gaynor sat with a frown in a coffee shop at Westfield Shopping Centre. Her friend wanted to talk to Flora about her night.

  ‘What did you say?’ Gaynor asked, adding a large amount of sugar to her drink. ‘You must have said something.’

  ‘I was telling him about my life and mentioned what happened between me and Matias. The next thing I knew he said he felt unwell and left. I tried the food again this morning and it tasted really nice.’ Flora looked down at her tea. ‘I think it’s me.’

  ‘You know you’re lucky Priti and I are speaking to you,’ pretending to be pissed off. ‘What a secret!’

  ‘I’m just dwelling on it too hard. I want to know what I did wrong, what makes men leave me.’

  ‘Your father doesn’t count as he left your mother. Ed was a one night stand and Matias is a self-centred wanker. You, on the other hand, were very good at running away from relationships when they got a little bit heavy.’ Gaynor stared at her. ‘Did he ask about Lee?’

  ‘Yes but I just fluffed over it.’

  ‘If I see Lee again, I will break his balls.’

  ‘I think you should have been an assassin. You’re very good at the revenge thing.’

  ‘You ever been married to a footballer?’ she frowned, looking disgusted. ‘Revenge comes with the territory.’

  Flora looked at the people walking around in their summer clothes, enjoying the sunshine. Still she couldn’t shake off Ed’s sudden departure and felt mortified.

  ‘He’s really bugged you, hasn’t he?’ Gaynor quietly asked. ‘He must have given you one good seeing to in the back of his white van.’

  ‘I thought I was in love,’ she replied, looking as Gaynor’s mouth dropped open. ‘Don’t tell Priti that or she’ll turn it into a Bollywood drama with a party political slant.’

  Gaynor just folded her arms and leaned back in her chair.

  This wasn’t a moment to make eye contact.

  ‘What do you want from him?’ Gaynor asked firmly. ‘You want a declaration of love or an apology or both?’

  ‘An explanation, that’s all,’ Flora replied.

  ‘Let it rest. Listen, you were good enough to speak to his mother but that doesn’t mean there’s a bond between you. Sex is sex. Teenage sex is even more throw away but the only thing is that you remember it with fond memories, not the sweaty, panting, fumble it was.’

  ‘I know he started a family young. I just want to know why tell me all that shit and make me believe he cared when he didn’t.’ Then she heard herself and wanted to scream. ‘This is repetitive and stupid. Fuck him! Fuck all men!’

  ‘Yes, well, I’d love to but maybe now his work is finished you can forget about him.’ Gaynor ushered the waitress. ‘Can we have the bill?’ Then she looked at Flora. ‘If you want to meet someone, join a dating agency. I can get you a discount.’

  ‘I think I’m better off on my own,’ she said, checking her watch. ‘I better go. I said I’d drop in to see Paulette.’

  ‘Any news?’

  ‘She’s okay, so she says,’ Flora smiled, dreading the meeting. ‘Her daughter called me to say she was in need of cheering up. Apparently my paintings make her laugh.’ Gaynor grinned. ‘I’m a hidden talent.’

  ‘Very well hidden,’ she said, standing up. ‘Flora, just let it go. You can’t pinpoint the failure on your love life based on a night with Ed Carter, can you?’

  Walking down the road, she pondered on what Gaynor had said.

  There was a great possibility she did blame Ed for making her unsure about the opposite sex.

  ‘God, it was only one night!’ she laughed, shaking her head. ‘What am I thinking?’

  She stopped at the front door of Paulette’s house and heard the raucous laughter from the living room.

  When she entered, Paulette was with some of the ladies from the centre.

  ‘I thought you were at death’s door,’ Flora said, seeing her friend looked the picture of health. ‘Looks like you’re getting ready to enter a modelling contest.’

  ‘It’s the first time I’ve seen my feet in years,’ she said, smiling brightly, her skin still silky sheen. ‘What have you been up to? You look miserable as sin.’

  ‘And you’ll know about that soon when you go and meet the man from below,’ Eileen said, tapping her head which was also covered in a scarf. ‘Or maybe I’ll get there first.’

  ‘You’ll go to heaven, like all the boring arses in the world,’ sighed Paulette, turning to Flora. ‘And this one? She’ll still be sulking about this, that and the other.’

  Flora made eye contact with Paulette’s daughter, Marjorie, noticing the sad look in her eyes before covering it up with a smile.

  ‘Shall I make tea?’ Flora asked enthusiastically.

  ‘God no! I don’t want to die just yet,’ laughed Paulette.

  Stepping into the kitchen, she saw the other side of cancer.

  The one where the people close to the person they loved, cowered in a corner, desperately scared about losing them. Flora wrapped her arms around Marjorie and felt the young woman tremble.

  She was large like her mum and just as beautiful but the grief stricken eyes betrayed so much. Flora knew Paulette could probably see it. Declan, Paulette’s son, was slimmer and taller, trying to look strong. The grandchildren were playing in the garden and the happy noise covered the deathly silence everyone was trying to hide.

  ‘What did they say?’ Flora asked, stepping back and taking Marjorie’s hand. ‘Your mother just talks around or over me when I ask.’

  ‘She’s planned the funeral, the coffin, the songs, the…’ Marjorie broke down as her brother wrapped a comforting arm around her. ‘My mum wants a party.’

  ‘Typical of her to make it into a celebration,’ Declan mumbled, looking equally devastated. ‘She’s ordered two crates of rum.’

  ‘I take it she wants us to pour it into the coffin to pickle her?’ Flora quipped as they laughed. ‘Then a party she will have. What did the doctor say?’

  ‘Six weeks.’

  The plunge into her chest was hard.

  She knew the tears were going to spurt but she held on as tightly as she could.

  Never would she want Paulette to see her upset, though it would have delighted the woman.

  Even in Flora’s darkest moments, she held it all back and Paulette told her it was wrong what she was doing, she had to let it out.

  But Flora only let it trickle, never fully explode.

  Bottling it away was the only way forward.

  Just how Matias preferred her to do it, once upon a time.

  And how Flora did it to cover up the extent of her true pain.

  ‘Flora!’ shouted out Paulette. ‘Can you come back here?’

  Taking a deep breath, she went into the living room and was instructed to sit next to Paulette.

  ‘Now, I need a favour,’ she asked, looking straight into her eyes. ‘Oh, I can feel something.’

  ‘My thigh.’

  ‘Your pie.’ Flora’s mouth dropped open when Paulette realised she’d hit on something. ‘A very deep pie.’ Then Paulette shook her head. ‘It was a pudding!’r />
  Sitting back in the sofa, she grimaced as Paulette looked closer into her eyes.

  ‘Cross my palm with notes,’ the woman asked as Marjorie put a cup of tea down and shook her head.

  ‘My mother thinks her psychic abilities have increased.’

  ‘So have her prices,’ mumbled Flora.

  ‘You know the fund raising at the centre on bank holiday Monday,’ said Paulette happily. ‘I’m going to set up a stand so people can find out more about my mystical aura.’

  ‘Oh mum!’ smiled Marjorie, walking away.

  ‘I’ll raise lots of money and you can then buy proper paint, not the child stuff you think we need,’ huffed Paulette. ‘Obviously with your lack of baking skills I expect you’ll paint something and say it’s art.’ She laughed loudly while pinching Flora’s cheek. ‘And bang it went. Your cake!’

  ‘Seriously, have you got cameras at my home?’

  ‘I can see.’

  ‘I can see you’re going mad.’

  ‘You have to come and visit as much as you can,’ Paulette said loudly. ‘I need to make sure I can paint when I meet my maker. I want my picture to be displayed on my coffin.’

  ‘No way!’ laughed out Flora. ‘If they see that they’ll think I’m a rubbish teacher.’

  ‘They may have a point. Maybe I’ll give it to you as a keepsake,’ giggled Paulette before whispering. ‘I’ll look into your fortune and guide you properly before I go.’

  ‘It’s lonely and bleak.’

  ‘Only because you won’t reveal your soul and body,’ she said back quietly. The woman then pinged her bra strap. ‘Which is pretty impossible when you wear strapping so thick. Until you do that, you’ll never be happy, trust me.’

  ‘Nobody in their sane mind would want that,’ she smiled, rubbing where Paulette had let the elastic flick her skin. Large eyes stared back at her. ‘Are you all right?’

  ‘Tell me about him.’

  ‘Who?’

  ‘Ed.’

  Without realising she did it, Flora started doing her breathing exercise.

  ‘No, no, no!’ said Paulette sharply, hitting her hard on the hand. ‘Stop doing that! It’s no good for you, do you hear? It’s only going to make things worse. What are you trying to hold in?’ Then she stopped and looked down at Flora’s chest then back up at her. ‘It’s the imperfections that make you beautiful, not the perfections.’

  ‘What drugs are they giving you?’ whispered Flora, getting more confused.

  ‘Your face changes when his name’s mentioned.’

  ‘Mostly because he pissed me off years ago!’

  ‘Has he pissed you off now?’

  Deciding not to do her breathing exercise to stop showing she was upset, Flora looked around the room at the other women speaking and glanced back up at Paulette.

  ‘You’re not going to come back and haunt me, are you?’ Flora whispered noticing Paulette was going to laugh. ‘Or try and speak to me from the other side? You know I think it’s all bollocks.’

  ‘Think what you like but it has nothing to do with your puddings.’

  ‘What?’

  ‘Those,’ she replied, pointing to Flora’s breasts. ‘You think it has but it hasn’t.’

  ‘I’m too tired to fathom out what you’re talking about,’ sighed Flora, lying back on the sofa. ‘I’ll tell you. I invited him round for dinner after I realised he’d taken a lot of trouble to sort out the shelving in my study.’

  ‘Health hazard!’

  ‘It’s all nice and neat now. Come round and see.’

  ‘So I can take in his spiritual handy work?’ she replied sarcastically. ‘Or is it his handy work you’re after?’

  ‘I’m ignoring you,’ Flora continued. ‘We chatted and when he sat down for dinner, he felt ill and left. Simple. I made…’ She hesitated, knowing what the response was going to be. ‘Steak pudding as he doesn’t like kidney.’

  Paulette was silent for longer than usual, deep in thought then turned to look at Flora.

  ‘Your husband’s divorcing you. He signed the papers and-.'

  ‘How do you know that?’

  ‘Someone told me,’ she shrugged. ‘Now be quiet and listen. You’re free to do whatever you want. I know you think you’re better off on your own but you’re wrong. A young woman needs someone to make her happy. You do want to be happy now, don’t you?’

  ‘I want Lola and Max to be happy, my sister and nephew, my friends.’ Flora stared at Paulette. ‘What’s there for me to be happy about? You’re not well and I’m having a hard time getting my head around it.’

  ‘But Flora,’ whispered Paulette. ‘I’ve had a good life. I’ve not wanted for anything. If I have to go, I have to go. And don’t do that breathing in thing right now. That will make me mad.’

  Flora diverted her eyes towards the kitchen, seeing Marjorie and Declan looking over.

  ‘I’m sad,’ Flora said quietly, not even sure if anything came out of her mouth. ‘I’ve been like this for a long time.’

  ‘I know but you think you’ve got problems. See Eileen,’ Paulette whispered. ‘She’ll be dead in a fortnight.’

  ‘You!’ Flora hissed, grabbing the woman’s arm. ‘How do you know that?’

  ‘I’m psychic!’

  They sat in silence, just listening to the chatter and laughter in the background. Flora reeling from Paulette’s comment while avoiding eye contact with Eileen, who looked in superb shape, all things considered.

  ‘I don’t know how else to be other than miserable. Matias says it’s cold and icy but I was told that was what I was like when I was younger. Putting up a defence to make sure no-one came too close. So no-one could hurt me and make me feel unloved like my dad did. My actions with Matias just reinforced it.’

  ‘What do you need to know from this man?’

  ‘What I did wrong to make him not come back for me. That’s all.’

  ‘And you think it will be the key to where you made mistakes in your life?’

  ‘It’ll help me understand what made him turn his back on me after being with him for only a few hours?’ She let a little laugh. ‘Less than twenty four hours but it felt so right. But then what would I know.’ Flora looked Paulette straight in the eye. ‘I’m not sure why men don’t want me.’

  ‘Thing is sweetheart,’ Paulette said, moving very close. ‘You know Matias is a weak man. He didn’t mean to hurt you but he was protecting himself.’

  ‘That’s still no excuse. He looks at me as if I’m something horrific and disgusting.’

  ‘Is it Matias, who was disgusted when he looked at you or was it you who is still disgusted with yourself?’

  Flora sat still, unable to answer, knowing which way round it probably was.

  ‘How can anyone love you when you don’t love yourself? Thinking you did something wrong when you did nothing at all.’

  ‘You don’t know that,’ Flora quietly replied. ‘All I know is that my love life never lived up to how I hoped it would be and that’s what makes me sad. Now I have no love life in the pipeline because-.'

  ‘It’s your choice.’

  ‘I have no choice. That’s the way it has to be.’

  ‘Not if you don’t want it,’ she whispered. ‘Your puddings might be the least of your problems.’ Paulette looked down at Flora’s cleavage. ‘I think it’s that brain of yours which is the real trouble.’

  ‘You’re gorgeous,’

  … Ed said to Emily as he slowly screwed her.

  Saturday morning he invited her out for lunch and made an extra effort to be attentive as possible, listening to her every word.

  Then afterwards they had sex in his bed. That was his aim.

  Ed had covered every part of her body in kisses to please her.

  It was working.

  The response had been amazing and she eagerly tried to accommodate his every desire.

  For him, it wasn’t working.

  All he wanted was the comfort of being in someone’s ar
ms, the warmth of a woman.

  But he was feeling a certain amount of guilt for walking out of Flora’s home and her poor face, confused and trying too hard not to betray she was upset.

  His mind was all over the place.

  Slowly, he felt the start of his climax. Emily’s arms and legs were wrapped around his body. He examined her smooth, young skin with very pink nipples. Ed’s lips travelled down and sucked gently on them while she groaned with satisfaction.

  He wondered if he’d ever place his lips on Flora’s breasts again before closing his eyes and starting to think of the older Flora underneath him, writhing with passion.

  ‘Oh my god!’ he groaned, trying not to choke as he came, his mind full of humping Flora.

  Then he opened his eyes and saw Emily looking up at him before smothering his mouth in a long lingering kiss, her tongue searching for him when all he was trying to do was find his breath.

  He pulled out and flung himself on the bed, staring at the ceiling, knowing he had to speak to Flora to explain why he walked out.

  Now he wasn’t quite sure why.

  The woman had done nothing wrong.

  ‘Are you okay?’ Emily asked, leaning over, her face beaming with happiness. ‘That was wonderful!’

  Ed smiled because he didn’t know what to say.

  ‘Can we spend the day together?’ she asked and he felt suddenly guilty again, for using such a lovely woman because his head was all over the place.

  ‘I’d really love to,’ he lied, stroking her side, feeling the soft, smooth skin beneath his fingertips. ‘My mum’s coming out today so I need to pop over and see her.’

  ‘You know, I thought you’d been avoiding me,’ she said, running her fingers across his chest. ‘I was worried Matias getting engaged to Ramona would make you think I was angling for the same thing.’

  ‘You’re not are you?’ he asked apprehensively. ‘I don’t want to give you the wrong idea.’

  ‘Don’t worry,’ she said, resting her head on his chest. ‘Matias told his children about the engagement last night. I got a text saying that his son doesn’t seem bothered but asked if her boobies were real. Then he said was it true she was really twelve and went on playdates. Must be because Ramona looks so young, don’t you think?’ Ed nodding, trying not to smile at the real reason behind the question. ‘And his daughter just rolled her eyes and shook Ramona’s hand.’