Thoughtful

by S. C. Stephens

  I laughed as I considered all the stolen moments we’d had with each other in our minds. What a life dream-Kellan and dream-Kiera must have already had together. “And what are your dreams about?”

  She giggled with embarrassment, her cheeks flushed. “Honestly, I mostly dream about sleeping with you.”

  The look on her face when she spoke about sex was so damn cute, I could barely restrain myself from leaning down and sucking on her plump lip. I let out a much-needed laugh. Of the two of us, Kiera was undoubtedly the innocent one, yet she’d been having the erotic dreams, while mine had generally been on the more romantic side.

  Amused, Kiera laughed with me. Grabbing her hand, I laced our fingers together. “God…is that all I am to you?” I asked.

  Hoping she didn’t say yes, I watched as her laughter ended and her expression grew serious. “No…no, you’re so much more.”

  My laughter dried up as the moment grew intense. “Good, because you mean everything to me.” What would I be without her? I didn’t want to fathom it.

  Kiera clutched my hand tighter as she cuddled closer to me in the car. I wished we could stay for the rest of the night, but it was already late, and if Denny woke up and found us out here…there was just no good way to explain it. There wasn’t a good way to explain a lot of things between us. That slap in the bar, for instance. “What did you tell Denny?”

  Kiera cringed, and I knew she didn’t want to talk about this. We needed to though. I needed to know the story if I was going to back it up. “That you slept with my sister and broke her heart. That’s believable. Everyone saw you at the bar together. Denny seemed to buy it.”

  My heart sank as I felt the ticking of time closing in around us. She’d forgotten something very important in that lie…an aspect of it that we couldn’t control. “That won’t work, Kiera.”

  Her voice sped up as she started panicking. “Yes, it will. I’ll talk to Anna; she’ll back me up. I’ve had to lie for her before. I won’t tell her why, of course…and Denny probably will never ask her about it anyway.”

  She wasn’t seeing the problem I was seeing. Of course, she didn’t know the jackass like I knew the jackass, so it was easy for her to dismiss him. “I wasn’t thinking of your sister. That’s not why that won’t work.”

  I saw the spark of despair in her eyes the second the realization hit her. “Oh God…Griffin.”

  Nodding, I agreed with her summation. “Yeah…Griffin. He really does tell everyone.” Remembering her cluelessness, I smiled. “I don’t know how you managed to miss that. You’ve gotten good at tuning him out.” My humor left me as the problem loomed over us. “When Denny hears that it isn’t true…” He’ll know. We’ll change him…forever.

  Kiera looked devastated that her lie wasn’t good enough. I kind of loved the fact that lying wasn’t one of her specialties. I was good enough for both of us, and I wasn’t proud of that fact. “What was I supposed to tell him, Kellan? I had to come up with something.” She stared at her hands. “You know, it’s possible that you both—”

  I knew where she was going with that, and cut her off. “No. It’s not possible.” I smiled when she looked up at me. I would never touch Anna. She doesn’t hold a candle to you. Remembering Griffin’s explicit tales, I frowned. “Griffin is very…specific…about what he tells people. It’s not just that he slept with her. It’s that he slept with her, and I didn’t, like he stole her away from me or something. He’s got this weird competitive thing—”

  “I’ve noticed that,” she said, her lips twisting in disgust. Sighing, she laid her head back on the seat. “God, I didn’t even think about that.”

  My sigh matched hers. Damn Griffin. “I can’t guarantee you anything, but I could try talking to Griffin. Maybe get him to alter the story. I’ll probably have to threaten to kick him out of the band. Actually, I may just do that anyway.”

  “No!” she yelled. Glancing at the door fearfully, she slapped a hand over her mouth.

  I bunched my brows, confused. Why did she care if I kicked Griffin out? “You want me to keep him in the band?”

  Dropping her hand, she gave me a faint, amused smile, then she frowned. “No, I don’t want him to know—ever! He won’t stay silent about that. He’d tell everyone, in horrifying detail. He’d tell Denny! Please, don’t ever—”

  She was really starting to freak out. In an attempt to calm her, I put my hands on her shoulders. “Okay. It’s okay. I won’t tell him anything, Kiera.” When she let out a sigh of relief, I added, “It wouldn’t matter anyway. He’s told too many people already.” Hating that this was hurting her, that this was going to hurt Denny, I brushed a lock of hair behind her ear. “I’m sorry, but Denny will find out that you lied to him…and then he’ll start to wonder why.”

  She gazed up at me, like I was her saving grace. Like I had all the answers. I wished I did. “And then what? After he knows I lied, how long do you think we have?”

  “How long before Denny figures out that we’ve slept together?” That was the question of the day, wasn’t it? Interlacing our fingers again, I rested against the seat. “Well, if you stay out here with me all night, he’ll probably have it figured out by morning.” With a laugh, I rested my cheek on her head. I felt her relaxing against me, and knew my brief moment of humor had calmed her down some. Although, there was a lot of truth in my statement. We needed to go inside soon.

  When the levity passed, I told her, “I don’t know, Kiera. A few hours, maybe? A couple of days at the most.”

  That alarmed her. Pulling back, she sputtered, “Hours? But…he has no real proof. He couldn’t possibly think…”

  Her eyes were gorgeous in the moonlight—a deep, dark green surrounded by flecks of golden brown. They glistened in her fear, but behind the anxiety, I saw affection. A deeply rooted affinity…for me. It spoke volumes without saying a word. Releasing her hand, I ran the back of my finger down her cheek. “He has all the proof he needs, right here.” The eyes don’t lie, and yours say you love me.

  “What do we do, Kellan?”

  She peeked up at the house, like she was afraid Denny would hear my answer. Maybe he should. Maybe we should walk in there, hand in hand, wake him up…and tell him that the life he once knew was over. That we’d both betrayed him. My heart seized at just the thought of confronting him. A voice from the past drifted to me, along with a memory—Denny, his lip cut, swollen and bloody, courtesy of my father; a split lip that had been meant for me. Denny’s hand on my shoulder while I shook with trepidation, afraid of how my father was going to retaliate for someone saving me. Denny hadn’t been scared. Not one little bit. I’m here for you, Kellan. I’ll always be here for you. And this is how I repaid him for his sacrifice? Crushing his relationship to irreparable pieces? No…I couldn’t face him. I’d rather run…

  “I can start the car, and we can be in Oregon before the sun comes up.” I was such a coward.

  I could almost see her contemplating it as I stared into her eyes—the two of us running into the sunset, fleeing from our problems, never looking back at the destruction we were leaving in our wake. As we gazed at each other, her breath started getting faster and shorter. Before long, she was nearly wheezing, and she started hunching over like she was going to be sick. She couldn’t do it, she couldn’t leave him. She wouldn’t ever leave him. I was living in a fantasy…but it was so nice here…I wasn’t ready to leave either.

  I stroked her hair to soothe her. “Hey. Breathe, Kiera, it’s okay…Breathe.” Cupping her cheek, I tried to get her to focus on what was happening now, tried to get her to let go of whatever vision was rolling around her head. “Look at me. Breathe.”

  Her eyes locked onto mine, and her breathing slowed and deepened. Tears fell off her jaw as she shook it back and forth. “Not like that. He’s too much a part of me. I need time. I can’t talk about this yet.”

  Her reaction to just the thought of leaving him solidified the truth for me and dissolved the illusion I’d been hol
ding on to. She cared for me, loved me even, but she wouldn’t leave him. She couldn’t. I knew she wasn’t ready to think about making a choice yet, but I also knew that when she made her choice…it wouldn’t be me.

  I nodded, but I felt the fragile hold on “us” slipping. I felt time ticking faster. I won’t have long with her. Maybe seeing my conclusion on my face, Kiera whispered, “I’m so sorry, Kellan.”

  I tried to smile, even though it hurt. “Don’t be…Don’t be sorry for loving someone.” Pulling her in tight, I kissed her head. As chilly reality settled around me, I knew what I had to do. I’d started this; I had to be the one to end it. I was the only one who could. And I should do it soon, before Denny pieced this horrible puzzle together, before our secret was laid bare. And the only way to stop Denny from digging until he found the truth was to take away the need for him to dig at all. Remove the source of the suspicion, that was what I had to do.

  “Don’t worry, Kiera. I’ll think of something. I’ll fix this, I promise.”

  Before he finds out, I’ll go, and this time I’ll leave for good. Like I said before, we won’t hurt him unnecessarily. He’ll never know what happened here. This secret will die with us. I’ll spare him the pain, and I’ll spare you too. I’ll carry it all. I’m used to that.

  We stayed in the car until the first light of dawn turned the world pink with promise. “Promise” was such a misleading word. It suggested hope, but sometimes promise had no hope attached to it. At least, not for everyone. Sometimes, to give someone else hope, you had to cut out your own. And it was just as difficult as cutting off your own limb, but then again…if sacrifice was easy, everyone would do it.

  Hating time for closing in on us, I gave Kiera a squeeze and told her what we were both thinking. “You should go inside.”

  She instantly locked onto the word “you,” not “we.” Pulling back, she looked me over with panicked eyes. “What about you? Aren’t you coming?”

  In the end, no, it won’t be me with you. “There’s something I need to do first.”

  “What?” she asked, confused.

  Smiling, I skirted my way around the answer. I couldn’t tell her yet. She’d argue, say I was wrong, but I wasn’t. I knew where this was going. I saw the signs all around me. She loved me, but not enough to leave him. We’d crush Denny…for nothing. For a fantasy. I didn’t want that, and I knew she didn’t either.

  “Go on…it will be okay.” I gave her a kiss, then leaned over to unlatch the door. “I love you,” I whispered as she got out. Always. Sliding over to her side, I leaned up so she could kiss me. We shared a brief, torturous connection, and I felt her lips trembling as we pulled apart. She had tears on her cheeks when I returned to my side of the car. This was going to be difficult for both of us.

  Starting the car, I pulled away, and I swear, a piece of me ripped off when I left her behind.

  Feeling numb inside, I drove to Evan’s. He was the only one who knew what I was going through, the only one who could really help me. Parking the car, I stared up at his quiet apartment. For a moment, I let myself feel envious of Evan’s life. And Matt’s, and Griffin’s. Looking from the outside, their lives seemed so simple, so easy. I knew that wasn’t really the case though; they each had their issues. If my life had taught me anything, it was that no one’s life was as simple as it appeared on the surface. Everyone had crap to deal with. That was what bonded the entire human race: pain…and love.

  So Evan would hear me, I firmly knocked on his door a few times. It was so early in the morning, I really should have driven around, given him time to wake up, but…I needed him. I didn’t want to be alone right now.

  It took several minutes, but eventually I heard his door unlocking. A second later, it cracked open and Evan’s cringing face appeared. “Kell? What are you doing here?”

  “I need your help. Kiera and I…” My gaze dropped to the ground. How in the hell was I going to say goodbye to her? “We’re…it’s not going to last. I want to give her something, before it ends. I want to write her a song.”

  Evan pushed the door open and stepped away so I could enter. “Whatever you need, Kell.”

  I knew he wasn’t thrilled about our union, but I appreciated that he was putting our friendship before his morals. Of course, I had just told him we were ending things. His response might have been different if I’d told him I was going to ask her to marry me.

  God…now there was a thought…

  One I couldn’t let myself have. Marriage wasn’t in our future.

  Evan was yawning when I entered the living room portion of his loft. “You can go back to bed,” I told him. “I’m just going to sit here and work on lyrics.”

  He raised his hand in acknowledgment, then walked over to his bed in the corner and collapsed on top of it. I watched the bulk of his chest rising and falling for a moment, then looked around for paper. I needed this to be good. My final song for my failed romance. I had to tell her everything I felt for her, while also telling her goodbye. It was a tricky line to walk, and one I really didn’t want to be walking.

  I could change my mind…ask her to pick me…fight for her. Why? I immediately thought after that revelation. She wouldn’t choose me, and I would be asking her to destroy a man who had been like a brother to me.

  No, she would leave me faster than I could blink if I forced her to choose, and that was why I had to do this…to let her know it was okay, that I understood. I wasn’t good enough for her. I never was.

  Sitting down on the couch with a pad of paper and a pencil, I began writing down my love, my loss, my grief, and my acceptance: It’s better to never say goodbye, to just move on, to end the lie.

  Evan woke back up a few hours later. Shuffling over to the couch, he picked up a couple of loose sheets I’d torn off and laid out. I was trying to shuffle through the painful words, find the right combination. His eyes scanned the page of one, then he peeked over at me. “Are you sure you want to do this?” he asked, his voice completely serious.

  I held his gaze. “Yes.”

  With a sigh, he set the paper down. “Kellan, I know you’re hurting, and I know this thing between you two was intense, but…if you sing this…at Pete’s…everyone is going to know—”

  I cut him off with a shake of my head. “This is for Kiera. I want her to hear it. I don’t care about anyone else. I’ll never care about anyone else,” I whispered.

  Evan put a hand on my shoulder. “I know this is hard, and I know it feels that way, but I promise—”

  Shrugging off his hand, I stood up. “No, you don’t know how this feels. She wasn’t some cute blonde shaking her ass at the bar who I decided to hook up with one night because I liked the way her shirt showed off her tits. We were friends who fell in love. You couldn’t possibly know what I’m feeling right now, because you’ve never had a connection that deep. You fall for skanks, then you brush them aside when you get bored of them.”

  Brows furrowed, Evan stood up too. “Hey, not all of those girls were skanks.” I raised an eyebrow at him, and Evan frowned. “Well, you don’t have to be such an asshole about it.”

  A small laugh escaped me, and I clapped his shoulder. “Yeah, I know. I’m sorry. I just…this fucking sucks. I wish I’d fallen for a skank. I’m actually quite jealous of you.”

  Evan gave me a wide smile. “As you should be.” His smile slowly faded as he looked back down at the paper. “Okay, I’ll help you with this. But it needs to be subtler, Kellan. It needs to look like you’re singing a song that could be about anyone. It needs to look fake.”

  I nodded. “And sound real. I know.” Shaking my head, I raised my hands. “That’s why I came to you.”

  Evan nodded and sat back down. I looked his way as I joined him. “Thank you for doing this, and I’m sure you already figured this out, but don’t let the other guys know what this song is really about, please?”

  Evan gave me a lopsided smile. “Don’t worry about that. They’ll just think I talked you
into writing a song about one of my misguided love affairs with a skank.” He let out a laugh, then turned and socked me in the shoulder, hard. I cringed as my shoulder started throbbing.

  “Ow! What the fuck was that for?”

  “Skank,” he muttered, shaking his head. “You’re an asshole.”

  Rubbing my arm, I nodded, then laughed. “Yeah, I know I am.”

  Writing a song took time. Sometimes, it took a lot of time. But I didn’t have a lot of time. Every second, I was conscious of the fact that I was sacrificing moments with Kiera to do this. But I had to. I had to have this ready to go for when it was finally time to part ways. For good. And that could be any day now. It all depended on Denny, and how quickly he started piecing things together. The clock ticking in my brain was not helping with my creative process.

  Evan stayed home with me, and we worked long into the night. I fell asleep on the couch, covered in music sheets and mutilated lyrics. The next day, I woke up early and attacked it again. My eyes ached, my fingers were sore, my brain was fried, but I kept at it until we had to leave for a show we were playing downtown. After the show, I crashed at Evan’s again so I could fall asleep working on it and resume the second I woke up. The quicker I finished this, the quicker I could return to Kiera.

  By Thursday afternoon, it was done and ready for the band to practice. Evan and I let out a long exhale of relief when it was completed. Looking over at me, Evan muttered, “It’s been fun, but let’s not ever do this again, okay?” Laughing, I nodded. No, writing a song, setting it to music, and memorizing how to perform it all in the span of a few days was not something I wanted to make a habit of. It had turned out good though. The song was well worthy of Kiera.

  When Matt and Griffin came over, we began playing the song. I wanted the guys to know it well enough that we could include it in the lineup at a moment’s notice. I had a feeling there wouldn’t be much warning when it came time to play it. Practice went longer than usual, and Griffin was getting cranky and willful, so we called it a night. As Matt and Griffin headed out to Pete’s, Evan clapped my shoulder. “You want to go tonight? Get some fresh air?”