Men In Control (Smith Brothers Complete Series)

by Brenda Ford

  “Hmm, someone worse.” I cock a knowing eyebrow. “I don’t think she would be proud of me now! But soon she would be. I’m going to make sure of it. I’m working hard to be the best that I can be.”

  He gives me such a sad and sympathetic look. “It’s hardly a surprise that everything blew up, is it? For you, if you have been carrying all that pain and never talking about it. It’s not a shock that you got all caught up in that mess with Mandy. Anyone in your position would have ended up in a chaotic mess like that. You’re just lucky that Mandy was never going to be the one for Angelo, so he isn’t furious.”

  Mandy’s name has no effect on me now. I expect to freak out as Brad says it. Especially because he says it more than once. But it doesn’t even cause the slightest job of pain inside of me. She really is just nothing to me now, just a sordid, nasty memory that I don’t ever need to think of again.

  “That’s true. I suppose it could have been a lot worse.” All of this talking about the outside world makes me want to know what’s going on out there. I probably shouldn’t ask, it might not be helpful to my recovery, but I think the million and one unanswered questions circling my brain will be worse. I don’t want them to become just another distraction. “So, what’s going on with the band and everyone?”

  “The band is working on pleasing the fans again. Offering freebies to those who brought tickets and didn’t get to see you and arranging a future replacement show for when you are better.”

  “That’s good.” It’s the best that I can hope for. “I hope the world isn’t too mad.”

  “The world understands, buddy. None of us are perfect.”

  I want to ask about Freya as well, but that’s a step too far. That scares me. I don’t know if I want to know. So, for now I would much prefer to focus on the band drama…

  Chapter Twenty-Five

  Freya

  I can see Linda out the corner of my eye giving me the thumbs up as I straddle the motorcycle trying to look like I might actually be riding it in this cat suit with a studded leather jacket thrown over the top. I want to smile but I know I need to pout, to keep up the look that I am a cool rock chick. This particular photoshoot might be a little bit on the rawer edge than what I had planned, I don’t want to completely abandon the pop princess side of me that has got me this far… but I get what this magazine is trying to do. To really emphasize the new me.

  “Sexy, you’re looking really sexy,” the photographer calls out to me. “You are killing this, Freya.”

  As I flick my hair over my shoulder and I pout at him some more, I do feel some of those things. I’m certainly looking forward to seeing how the pictures turn out. I’m seeing a lot of myself recently, I seem to be in every publication going, but this one should be very exciting. I will need to get a copy for myself.

  “Okay, great.” The photographer lowers the camera. “So, what do you think about maybe going a little more sexy? I can see you in a black lacy bralette spread on your back, inducing all kinds of fantasies…”

  “No, thank you,” I bark right away. “That isn’t how I want to sell my music, thank you very much.”

  “Sweetie, that’s how everyone sells their music. It’s just the way the world likes. One day or another, you’re going to end up half naked in a magazine otherwise your record label will be forced to drop you. Might as well do it now while you are a hot property and on top of your game rather than when you’re getting desperate to sell your songs. The fans know when a chick is getting sad and desperate and they don’t like it.”

  And with that, my nice fun day has become a shitty one. But I’m not going to allow this asshole to control how I feel and what I do. I have already been through far too much to let that happen.

  “You have enough pictures of me to go with the article,” I bark. “I think that I might be done here. I am going to get changed back in to my own clothes and do the interview, okay?”

  “A diva,” he scoffs. “That’s just perfect that is. A diva who won’t take her clothes off. You won’t go anywhere. This, right here, will be the peak of your career. You’ll see. Then you will wish that you had listened…”

  He continues to talk but I’m too busy walking away from him, so I don’t hear the rest. Once upon a time, words like that spoken right to my face, threatening my career might have floored me. He may have even have convinced me to do what he wants because I’d be too afraid to lose everything… but I’ve seen what it’s like to lose everything through Alex, and I have also seen what it was like when he had everything.

  I am going to be in control of myself now. I will do what I think is best. If it all falls apart then I will cope. I’ll have to.

  “Are you okay?” Linda hisses to me while automatically touching my hair. She can’t seem to help herself working even when she’s angry at me. “Do you need me to go over there to kick some ass?”

  “No, no, I don’t need anything,” I laugh and shake my head. “He doesn’t bother me. It’s fine. We did some good pictures. It will be great. No matter what happens, it’s all going to be fine.”

  “But he called you a diva. What if he writes that in the article?”

  “He’s only the photographer. I get to meet the writer in a minute. It will be fine.” I shrug. “Plus, even that is written about me, it won’t kill me, will it? I’ll get through it.”

  “You have always been loved before though. Everyone has adored you. I do worry that the change…”

  “Come on, Linda.” I point down to my outfit. “I can handle a bit of change.”

  “You are so strong, Freya. Honestly, I don’t know how you do it… all of it.”

  As her face falls, I give her a warning look. Much as I didn’t want to hear the words ‘I told you so’ I ended up telling her all about me and Alex because she is such a great person to talk to about things. She was shocked, blown away, stunned… then sad. A bit like I feel right now. That’s the hardest part about all of this. Trying to move on when quite frankly I am sad. It’s such a shame that things failed when they could have been amazing…

  But I’m not getting lost in that. I’m moving on. All of this is progress in the right direction.

  “I’m changing,” I tell her firmly. “Then I’m doing this interview. Then… well, I can’t remember what comes next. The schedule is jam packed, but I don’t want to worry about that. One thing at a time.”

  She nods and agrees with me, knowing that’s the only way that I can function right now. One step at a time. Then Linda helps me get sorted in to my own more causal outfit, but one that is just as cool because right now, I always need to be seen at my best while I’m hot property. Then once I’m dressed, I take a seat in front of a friendly looking woman who seems far too kind to call me a diva just because I’m standing up for myself.

  “Hello, my name is Aki,” she says while shaking my hand. “Nice to meet you, Freya.”

  “Yes, it’s great to meet you too, Aki. Thank you for meeting with me today.”

  Her eyes fix on the page in front of her, she barely even acknowledges that I am around, which leaves me shifting awkwardly on my seat. Just waiting. I’m trying to be patient, but to be honest I don’t know when my next deadline is and I’m doing my best not to miss it. Whatever it may be…

  Then Aki pulls out her Dictaphone and she sits it in the middle of us, recording. It isn’t like I say a lot out of turn anyway, but from now I need to be on top form, to make sure that I say all the right things because anything that is recorded can be used against me. And that’s the last thing I need right now.

  “So, what I’m thinking of doing, what I usually do, is fire a load of questions at you. You don’t have to worry about giving me long answers, we’ll just do it as a question and answer back and forth. Then I will listen to it all later on and edit it in a way that makes more sense. Does that work for you?” I nod. “Okay. So, let’s talk about your move away from pop music to something with more of an edge. How did that happen?”

  “I
t’s something that I have always wanted to do, and right now seems like the best time. I had a great time working on my first album, but this feels like I’m putting more of myself out there into the world.”

  I give my generic answer, the one that seems to work well to this question, not putting my old work down but pumping up my new stuff, but there is a part of me that’s mentally with album number three since that’s the one I’m writing. Now that one really is all of me. Me and this situation I have been through.

  But as excited as I am about that, I need to focus on this one first.

  Aki asks me about specific songs and I really get in to the flow as I discuss them. It’s a nice place to be talking about my music. I enjoy setting my passion free. Showing just what I’m capable of. I might have given these answers millions of times, but I don’t mind. It’s all a part of my awesome, amazing job.

  “So, you were on tour with Blood Red Masters when it all went bad, weren’t you?” Aki asks, shocking me from my happy place. Surprisingly, I haven’t been asked about this much, so my answers won’t be smooth.

  “Er, right. Yes. I was supporting them on that tour, but actually I have my own coming up soon…”

  “So, what was it like being there to witness the descent of Alex Smith first hand?” she asks, ignoring me.

  “It was…” Oh God, how do I answer this? Do I even want to? “I wish Alex the best.”

  “Oh, sure, sure, we all do. But how bad was he? I have heard all kinds of stories about his bad behavior. Smashing up hotel rooms. Threesomes with fans in public places. Bar fights…”

  Yes, I have heard all of these ridiculous stories as well, but that doesn’t mean I want to give them any more time. Basically, the papers don’t have the truth about Alex, and since a troubled rock star going to rehab to cure himself isn’t interesting enough on its own, it seems that they have had to create all sorts. And people looking for their fifteen minutes of fame are desperate to say whatever they can to get their faces out there in the world. It’s shameful and certainly not something that I will let myself get dragged in to.

  “The tour was only a short time. I certainly didn’t see any of the drama happening…”

  “You didn’t see any of it? At all?” Aki gives me a doubtful look.

  “I didn’t. I was always focused on the music. Which is what I’m doing now. I’m focused on my second album, which I really hope the public loves. Did you get a chance to listen to it?”

  Aki nods but her bottom lip pouts out. She’s irritated that I’m not giving her what she wants. But I’m not going to smack talk him, I’m not going to lie, and I don’t even want to discuss him anyway. Talking about Alex isn’t going to help me to move on. I will just have to keep swerving no matter what she throws my way.

  “I nearly jumped in on you then, that was insane,” Linda hisses as soon as the interview is done. “When that Aki kept asking you about Alex, did she not get that you clearly didn’t want to talk about him?”

  “That probably just intrigued her more,” I sigh. “She’s going to want to know everything, isn’t she? If she sniffs out a story, then she will be all over it. It was only when she realized that she wasn’t getting anything from me that she stopped. I think I did okay, I hope that I wasn’t rude.”

  “No, you were amazing. Really incredible as always. But I am going to have to hurry you along to get ready to go because we have a radio interview in a moment, and we don’t want to be any later than we already are. Plus, they have a web cam, so you need to look good. I will be coming with you.”

  “Thank God!” I burst out. “I don’t know what I would do without you.”

  I cling to her, so grateful that she’s around, and I smile, letting her know silently that she is my rock right now. And she really has been. She has been amazing to me, and I don’t actually remember her saying the dreaded 'I told you so’ words even though she did tell me so. In the future, I might have to start listening to her.

  Chapter Twenty-Six

  Alex

  Group therapy. Words that used to fill me with dread have now become something that I’m excited about. I like that I get to spend some intense time with people who really get what I’m going through, what I have been through. I guess I always thought that I was by myself with the guilt and the other emotions. But I’m clearly not. There are others who have dug themselves in a hole just like I have. Some even worse.

  “Hey, Cody,” I say as I take my usual seat beside him. “How’s it going? You’re looking good.”

  “Thanks, man. I don’t feel good. Last night was a rough one. I wanted to drink. I wanted to go out.”

  I nod, understanding him. “Yeah, I have had nights like that. Many nights. I wanted to climb the walls many times and escape to the nearest bar… although I’m sure there aren’t any around here.”

  Cody laughs, the strain falling a little off his face. “Yeah, I’m sure that you’re right about that.”

  I pat him on the back, really understanding the place that he’s in. I was there. I have been there. I am sure that I will end up back there before I leave. Maybe even afterwards. What I need is the strength to get over it when it happens. Cody needs that too. He will get there, I’m sure. Or I hope anyway. I have seen some people fail and I don’t want that to happen to Cody as well. He’s a good guy. I like him, I want success for him.

  It’s actually other people who made me want to talk in the first place. I was the guy who came to all of the meetings but sat at the back and didn’t say anything. Who refused to speak no matter what. I’m not sure if it’s because of my fame or the difficulties that I have been through communicating in the past, but I just couldn’t do it… not until my eyes were opened and I realized that my story could help other people as well as myself.

  Now, I’m glad to talk about my story. I mean, it isn’t like anyone treats me any differently because of who I am, so it’s great. It’s a great release and I’m over the moon to be here having this positive experience.

  “I do need to get out of here though man, back to my wife.” Cody rubs his hands together so hard I fear he might tear skin off them. “Like, I know this is going to be a long process and we need to go through it to come out the other side a much better person… but man alive, I miss her like crazy. Life is impossible without her. Do you ever feel like that? Is there anyone in your life that you want to scream because you miss so much?”

  I nod, unable to actually vocalize who I miss, even to this guy who is my best friend here at the moment.

  “I have to ask…” Cody turns to face me head on; his expression curious. “And please, kick my ass if this isn’t an appropriate question, I think my time here might have blurred what’s acceptable and what isn’t…” I laugh, agreeing with him. This is a mental place when it comes to boundaries. The lines get blurred easily. “But is the woman that you’re missing the one who sent you on your downwards spiral? The one from your twin…”

  Urgh, Mandy. I shake my head unable to even remember what was going on there. I don’t even know if what I had with that woman was love or just obsession. I might have just clung to her like crazy for no real logical reason with my head in the sand, not wanting to face the truth. I know that makes it worse. I understand that if it wasn’t love then what I did to Angelo was even worse, but I have to accept it anyway. It’s the truth.

  “It’s actually the woman who brought me here, who forced me to face my demons.”

  “Wow, and she did that before you were really ready to face it yourself?” Cody cocks a knowing eyebrow. “Because there wouldn’t have been a chance in hell that anyone could have done that for me, I needed to accept it myself. I had to be the one who made the decision that it was time for me to come here.”

  “Well, I did hit rock bottom first, as I said to everyone. But it was her.”

  “She must be quite a woman. You should hold on to her no matter what.”

  My face falls, my whole body slumps forward. “I don’t know. I thin
k I might have already lost her.”

  “You’re here.” Cody rests his hands on my shoulder. “You can’t do much while you’re here. Only heal, but if she’s the one then it will work out somehow. You will end up together.”

  “Hmm, I’m not so sure. I don’t know if the water is too far under that bridge.”

  “Have you tried calling her?” I shake my head no. I have tried, but never quite worked up the courage. “Why not write to her then? It might not get you anywhere, but there is something pretty soothing about getting your words down on paper. Even if it is just a release exercise, you should do it.”

  The group leader then starts talking, effectively ending our conversation for us, but Cody has given me a lot to think about. Writing is one of my talents, it’s something that I do well, so why not give it a go? Even if it isn’t something that I ever send, and I just use it to get stuff out of my system it could help. I don’t want to consider the moment that Freya walked away from here leaving me behind as the last time we ever talk. We can’t just go through all of that and never communicate again. It’s too much. It’s too intense. I need to say more.

  Dear Freya… I look at those words, wondering why they were the only ones that I can write down. There is more, my heart is filled with so much to say but I don’t know where to start. I have been looking at this page for hours and I haven’t really figured out where I need to begin, what needs to be said first.

  I love you. That’s what I write next, because it’s the truth. I don’t know if I ever loved Mandy, but I am certain of my love for Freya. It’s the clearest emotion in my mind. I’m sure of it. I know that it might not lead anywhere, and it might simply be an unrequited feeling, but it needs to be said anyway.

  I love you for the incredible person that you are, for the way you make me feel, for all that you have done for me. I don’t even think you know that you saved my life, but you did. If it wasn’t for you, I would be dead in a ditch somewhere. But I don’t just love you for saving my life. I love you because you’re perfect. Because you are unlike any other woman that I have ever met, and in an incredible way. Freya, you are a pop princess wonder.