Men In Control (Smith Brothers Complete Series)

by Brenda Ford

  I grin to myself as I write down everything that I love about Freya, glad that she might see these words at some point and know exactly what she means to me. I don’t expect her to feel the same way that I do, but that doesn’t matter. Of course, I would much prefer it if she did, but that isn’t the meaning of this. It’s just so she knows…

  But then I need to explain what I did wrong, how I hurt her and everyone around me, and my face falls. It’s nerve wracking to think about, but I do need to express it all. And actually, not just to Freya. I might need to write letters to everyone in my life, to make them see that I understand what I did wrong and I want to make up for it.

  I imagine every single person tearing up the letters, except maybe Brad who has expressed endless forgiveness to me that I just don’t deserve, but the rest of them. Especially my band mates. I can’t blame them, I did fuck up the tour and leave them in the middle of it, but I’m trying. I want them to know that.

  Once I have made that decision, the pen keeps on flowing, the words finally coming out with ease. Cody was right, this is the right next step for me. Communicating with the outside world in this meaningful way. Sure, it might not have a positive outcome, but I’m a little stronger now. I can handle it. All of it.

  “I love you too,” Freya whispers into my ear, her delicate fingers trickling down my chest. “I’m so glad you sent me that letter because it made it easier for me to tell you that I feel the same way.”

  I run my eyes all over her face, drinking every inch of her in. She’s a little fuzzy, which only highlights what I already know. That this is a dream. There isn’t any real way that she’d be allowed to be naked in my rehab bed. But it doesn’t matter if it isn’t real. I am going to take full advantage of this situation anyway.

  “I love you being here.” I toss my head back as ecstasy shoots through me, her mouth slipping down my body to meet where her fingers are already curled around my thick throbbing cock. “You’re amazing.”

  “Your words,” she pants out, her hot breath blowing through my pubic hair towards my base. “That letter… it was everything to me. To know how you really feel is perfect. Thank you so much. You’re so brave to tell me.”

  “It was all true. It is all true.” My fingers knot up in her hair as she brushes kisses up and down my cock, sending me to heaven without actually pushing me between her lips just yet. “You are…”

  Fuck, I lose my mind as she takes me between her lips, her wet hot mouth surrounding me. I don’t know if it’s just because it’s been forever since I have had a human connection like this or because it’s Freya, but I see fucking stars already. This beautiful woman is used her lips and tongue to tip me over the edge already.

  “I love you,” I whisper out, barely audible since she has stolen my breath. “I love you; I love you.”

  The combination of the romance behind my words and the passion coming from her mouth is too much. The images change and flicker. She moves her mouth off of mine and I plunge deep inside of her, in many different positions. One minute, I’m on top of her, hovering my weight above her, the next she’s straddling me, and her breasts are bouncing up and down along with her movements. Then she’s on all fours, her ass in the air, and I’m slamming in to her over and over again, my balls hitting her ass with every thrust. Up against the wall, behind her, in front of her, everywhere. I see all of her and I adore every inch. I want to touch her, to taste her, to hold her… actually, what I really want is to remain asleep with her here in my arms… or to wake up with her with me for real. That would be ideal, but for the time being I will have to just enjoy this dream for the moment while I can have it. What comes next is a problem for tomorrow. I can worry about it then…

  Chapter Twenty-Seven

  Freya

  “What is that in your hand?” Nathan gushes the moment that he spots me sitting hunched over a piece of paper sobbing like a damn baby. “I thought you were singing and recording! What happened?”

  “I… I…” I don’t know how to express my feelings because right now they are all of me. “I got this letter and… well I don’t know what to think about it. It’s all just too much. It hurts.”

  The pain is so deeply ingrained in me I don’t know how to shake it off. I was kidding myself when I thought that I was even slightly getting over Alex. Of course I wasn’t. I’m never going to! This letter from him from his rehab center laying everything out on the line is overwhelming. I’m a damn mess.

  “Let me see this.” Nathan takes it from me. It’s damn near impossible for me to let it go. This is a declaration of his love for crying out loud! His sober love while he is thinking straight and not in a messy drunken state which makes it a million times worse. But because I can still see the page so I can just about set it free.

  “Oh my God,” Nathan’s hand clasps to his mouth. “Oh my God, Freya. What the hell is all of this? This is… well, it confirms what I already suspected. That you and Alex had something going on, but I didn’t realize it was this deep. Love? Was it really love? Is this the truth? Because you do know that’s insane, don’t you?”

  I shrug helplessly. “I can’t help it. I didn’t mean for it to happen, but it did. It just happened…”

  “How can you fall in love with someone when they are a mess like that? This is just crazy.”

  “You can’t help how you feel, Nathan. You’re acting like this is something I did on purpose.”

  He stares at me a bit like he doesn’t recognize me now, which is an emotion that I understand well. I’m not totally convinced that I have been able to recognize myself through all of this. I’m certainly not the person that I was before all of this. But I’ve been strong, haven’t I? I’ve done my best to survive…

  “So, he loves you, huh?” Nathan asks, his voice mush softer. “That’s really something. But as you must have realized through all of this, love isn’t always enough. It can’t be, can it? When someone’s life is a mess like his is, you can’t put your love for one another above everything else. It just doesn’t work like that.”

  “I know!” God, his words are just making this worse. Like I don’t fucking understand that. I fold my arms across my chest like a petulant teenager arguing with my parents… Goddamn I wish my mom was here right now. I might have to give her a call and beg her to visit me. I need a hug! “I do know which is why I am here with you working rather than waiting outside the rehab for him to be freed.”

  “Please tell me that isn’t what you would rather be doing.” Nathan rolls his eyes. “Please, Freya. You are so much better than that. You’re the hottest thing right now. You don’t need to hang around some washed up rock star.” His eyes narrow as he sees me blanche at those words. “What? That’s who he has become.”

  “You don’t know Alex,” I bit back fiercely. “You haven’t ever spoken to him. How dare you believe that you have the right to say anything about him. He isn’t a bad man and he isn’t washed up either. Just because he has made a few mistakes it doesn’t mean that this life is over forever.”

  “Come on,” Nathan scoffs. “You know this industry as well as I do. He’s screwed.”

  “I’m not even going to dignify that with an answer. How dare you? But even if I was outside the rehab waiting for him, it wouldn’t be because I want to hang off his fame. It would be because of him.”

  “Because of these words?” Nathan tosses the letter to the ground like it’s nothing and I scrabble after it because to me it is everything. “Those words don’t mean anything. They won’t in the long run. This to me sounds like more of an apology than anything else. I don’t want to be cruel, but I think you might need a reality check. You and Alex aren’t ever going to happen. And even if you did, it would be a disaster.”

  I scowl at Nathan, hating him for the first time in my career. I didn’t think that I would ever feel this way about him, but I do. All that he has said leaves me disgusted. “Nathan, keep out of it.”

  “Normally, I would, but I think that whe
n it comes to Alex Smith your judgement is impaired. You can’t seem to think straight around him. I don’t blame you for that, we have all been there, but the stakes are too high with you. Didn’t you see how he fucked up the careers of everyone around him? I don’t want to include you in that.”

  “He didn’t do anything bad to me so I’m sure you don’t need to worry.”

  “He didn’t intend to do anything bad to anyone. With people like him, it just happens.”

  I glare at Nathan, knowing that no understanding is going to come here. We both have far too much going on in our minds to even listen to one another. I need to bounce then we can discuss it at a better time.

  “I have a radio interview in a moment, so I better get to it. This is something we can discuss later.”

  “Freya, please,” Nathan offers. “Please don’t walk out on me while everything is so up in the air.”

  “Or maybe not at all,” I growl as my reply. “Since my personal life isn’t any of your business.”

  With that, I storm out of the room with my bag slung over my shoulder, and I stomp out of the recording studio. With my precious letter from Alex clutched between my fingers, my head spins wildly. I do get why Nathan is saying all of these things to me, he does have my best interests at heart… but only when it comes to my career. Unfortunately for him, there is more to life than that. I can understand why he sees Alex as he does, but I know more about him. I understand how hard this must have been for him to write, to confess. I also believe, truly believe, that he wouldn’t tell me that he loves me if he didn’t mean it.

  He loves me, I think desperately to myself. He loves me and I love him.

  But love isn’t necessarily enough is it? It isn’t. It can’t be or everyone would be happy. I already made the decision that I would keep away from Alex, at least until he gets out of rehab. But he’s pulling me back to him, the magnetic force is dragging us back together once more. The yearning deep in my chest is so overwhelming that I can hardly stand it. I don’t know if I can keep away any longer. I don’t even know how much longer he is going to be in rehab. It could be for months and months. Who knows how long it will take to cure him?

  It doesn’t take me long to arrive at the radio station and I do what I can to get my work head back on before I go inside. I need to at least focus for the time being until I can get through this…

  I just about manage it as well. At least while I perform my live song for the audience. I manage to get my head in the game and sing my ass off. Judging by the stream of positive text messages that the radio host gets while I’m singing, I do good as well. I guess at least all of this emotion is good for something. It makes my performances awesome. If only I could turn it on and off while not singing to keep my life in order.

  But then it comes to the time of being interviewed, and as soon as I take the chair in front of the radio host, I get a funny feeling. There is a strange atmosphere in the air. The tension could be cut with a knife and I don’t know why. What I do know is that this is how journalists generally behave before they ask someone something that they really don’t want to answer. The tension remains thick in my spine as I brace myself.

  Keep your cool, I warn myself desperately. This is live. Don’t lose your shit.

  But I can feel it brewing regardless. This is really bad.

  “And now, we have Freya here with us today,” she speaks into the microphone in a syrupy smooth voice. My instincts scream at me to leap out of this chair and to run already, but somehow, I manage not to cave to that. “You might have heard her stunning performance of her new song All Done a moment ago. But if you missed it then you can download it on our website to hear it again, which I highly recommend that you do.”

  “Oh, well thank you for your kind words.” I can’t stop my voice from shaking. Already, I’m a mess and she hasn’t even said anything to me yet. This is why live stuff is always hard work. “And thank you for listening…”

  “Freya, you have been very busy recently,” she jumps in quickly, not giving me much time to talk. Clearly, whatever it is that she wants to say she can’t wait to get to. “It seems like you are everywhere! Ever since your stint with Blood Red Masters.” My spine stiffens even more, if that’s even possible. I can tell by the smirk on her face that we are drawing near. “Despite that tour crashing and burning, it worked out well for you.”

  She pauses, giving me a chance to answer but I don’t know what she wants me to say to that. Does she want me to agree that yes, Alex’s failures boosted my career? As if I’m that much of a dick.

  But like the professional that she is, she doesn’t leave too much dead air. “So, I have to address the rumors that are circling all around the Internet at the moment.” I feel all the color drain from my face. I don’t know what rumor she is referring to, but if it came from online then it can’t be good. “About you and Alex.”

  “Me and… Alex…” Shit, I thought we had gotten away with it. No one has mentioned it so far. My pulse pounds hard and my breaths become ragged as she stares me down. “What do you mean?”

  “You were together, weren’t you? Having an affair. That’s what sent him over the edge, isn’t it? You broke things off with him when you started sleeping with Gary at the same time and seeing you two together all the time drove him to drink. He loved you and that’s how he ended up in rehab.”

  Ninety nine percent of that story is utterly ridiculous, but it has me leaping up from my seat anyway. I don’t even want to begin to address this when there is somewhere else I would like to be more. I only came to this interview to help my career, but it isn’t going to do that, is it? It’s just going to make this worse.

  “Alex,” I mutter to myself as I run towards the exit. “Alex, I’m coming to see you. I’m just sorry that it took me so long to come…”

  Chapter Twenty-Eight

  Alex

  “I just heard that you got a visitor,” Cody calls out to me as I walk through the hallway. He doesn’t look great these days, it’s a real shame. He has so much to fight for, but the alcohol is getting to him. I would even go as far as to assume that he’s sneaking it in somehow. He wouldn’t be the first and I’m sure that he won’t be the last either. It’s amazing that the lengths people will go to, to feed their addictions. It’s a shame and I seriously wish that there was something I could do, but I don’t see anything right now. Unfortunately, I am in here healing as well. “You’re a lucky bastard. No one is coming to see me at the moment.”

  His face falls and I feel terrible for him. I don’t know if his wife has been told to stay away until he’s doing much better or if she has made that decision to do so, but it’s clearly killing him. Sometimes, people in here need something sharp and cruel to happen to shock them in to sobriety… but I don’t know if I would include him in that. Poor Cody needs people. If I can’t help him maybe I should speak to someone who can.

  “Yeah, I don’t know who it is though. Another brother coming to kick my ass for sure.”

  They have all been, some more than once, obviously as and when they have been allowed by Brad. It’s funny, much as it’s stupid to have everything so regulated, I think he might be right. It would be too much for me to face them all at once. They are overwhelming at the best of times and this sure as hell isn’t that.

  “Well, tell ‘em hi from me. Not that they know me, it would just be nice to speak to someone from the outside world. Someone who isn’t permanently in this shit hole driving me insane.”

  I laugh at his words, but I kinda think that this might be a cry for help and it’s one that I won’t forget.

  I continue walking towards the meeting room, which is where I have been asked to go for some reason. Usually it’s in my bedroom to give me and whoever it is some privacy, but maybe I have had that right taken from me for some reason. I don’t know why. I’ve been good, as far as I’m aware, but maybe I’ve slipped up…

  Oh my God. The world shifts and tilts beneath me as I see why everyt
hing is different today. I must be dreaming. This can’t be real. This absolutely cannot. There is no chance in hell that she’s here… but she is.

  “Freya,” I whisper. “Oh my God, Freya. What are you doing here?”

  I rub my eyes hard, trying to wake myself up because I still can’t wrap my head around it. I have dreamed about her being here enough times, it wouldn’t be a surprise if I have lost my mind, but I can feel her. I can sense her here which shows to me that it’s real. My heart balls up in my mouth, my knees knock together, I’m a mess.

  “Oh, Alex.” She takes the lead, closing the gap between us and wrapping her arms around me. As she holds me, I inhale deeply, really breathing her in. I didn’t do this before because I wasn’t in my right mind. I didn’t consider enough that it might be the last time I see her… but now I will make up for that. Just in case. “Alex.”

  My name on her lips almost brings me to tears. I nearly sob against her shoulder because I’m falling apart. I need to get out of this building before I do some real damage here. “Do you want to go for a walk?”

  “Are you allowed?” She pulls back to look at me curiously. “I don’t want to get you in trouble.”

  “There are some nice gardens outside. It might remind you of…” I can’t say ‘happier times’ because I don’t know if it was that. It was for me but I’m sure that Freya has a different point of view.

  “Yes, that sounds nice.” She nods and smiles. “I think that I would like that a lot.”