Aloft

by J F Rogers

  My mind tumbled to its typical state of overthinking things I had no control over. How would I kill Morrigan? Had she resurrected her sisters? Would I have to kill them too? How?

  Kai threw me a smile. I tried to return it, but couldn’t. What was my problem? Why did I keep him at arm’s length? Was I concerned about Ji Ah? Or that either one of us might die? Or that, once he knew the real me, he’d run screaming for the hills?

  “What are you thinking?” He took a swig from his canteen and shoved it in his satchel.

  “Oh, nothing important.” I picked up my bag and got ready for another day of walking. “Any idea how much further?”

  “I overheard a soldier say Nica is only a week’s walk from here.”

  “Oh good.” All I had to do was force my wrought muscles to continue for one more week, then deliver myself into the hands of my enemy completely exhausted and incapable of fighting back. “Can’t wait.”

  Kai met my sarcasm with his head tilt I’m-not-impressed look.

  ****

  The days blurred together. With no path, we trudged through the woods in silence for almost a week. My shirtsleeves were torn from protecting my face as we forged a torturous route, like walking through an endless tunnel with junk in our way. But we had air, and the sun peeked through in places.

  Murmurs of the forest’s edge reached my ears.

  My mother, her hair disheveled from invading branches, returned from the frontline. “We’re making camp.”

  “But it’s daylight.” I glanced at the sun nearing its zenith and smoothed my hair, hoping it didn’t look like hers.

  “I can’t give you the specifics. But they want you to rest up.”

  “But I just slept.” I trembled. No way was I returning to that infested dreamland.

  “Sleep more.” Her no-nonsense stare caused me to pause. Better to just back down and do as she asked. “Okay, okay.”

  We rolled our bedding out, and I lay back, hands folded over my chest, watching the birds in the sky. Were they fasgadair? We must be close to Nica. And they must know we’re here. Would Morrigan be there? Or was she still in Ceas Croi? Was she still in my mind? I hadn’t sensed her since Sully’s death. I would’ve thought she’d be thrilled with him out of the way.

  Or was God keeping her at bay?

  I stared in the sky and watched the birds, suspicious, and not tired in the least. They seemed to multiply as they flitted, twittering to each other. Their tweets of answer and reply morphed into a rhythmic song. I closed my eyes and hummed along until a creepy sensation swept over me.

  I opened my eyes. The birds must’ve lulled me to sleep. I was back in the place in my dreams. Yet again, it was empty, and the fog had thickened. I sat, and the ocean waves lapped up on the beach. Black tendrils swirling like smoke came up behind me, curling and thickening, blocking out the sun. The black stuff kept streaming from the window, enveloping me in despair. I brought my knees to my chest and wept as self-pity and depression rocked me to my core.

  Your mind is mine.

  I should stand up and fight. Do something. Anything. But I didn’t have the will to move. Instead, I curled up in a fetal position and cried.

  ****

  “Fallon.” A prick of light penetrated the darkness, streaming from the sky at me like a laser beam.

  What was that? Had someone spoken? Or had I imagined it?

  The glow swirled around me, surrounding my torso in a spiral. But it didn’t bind me. I touched it, but my hand slipped right through as if nothing were there. But a pinprick of hope pierced my heart.

  I allowed the rope light to pick me up and guide me to the window. Cringing, I peeked. Declan’s profile came into view on the left, then disappeared. The view turned to the right. Kai. He threw me a sideways smile. It was as if I were walking with him.

  Wait.

  Kai wouldn’t smile at Morrigan like that. And Morrigan wouldn’t be walking with my friends. Was this just a dream?

  Or was Morrigan manipulating my body?

  I dropped to my knees. This couldn’t be real.

  But what if this was all I had left of myself, a view through a window and nothing more? Could I somehow regain control? I had to. What would happen if I didn’t? Would Morrigan use me to sabotage the attack, even if I wasn’t privy to the plans?

  “No!” I screamed. “Get me out of here!”

  Nothing changed. Darkness shrouded the entire place.

  Morrigan had entered through the window. What if I went through? Would I leave my body and enter hers? A full body shudder racked me.

  But what else could I do?

  With the caution of one stealing honey from a sleeping bear’s claws, I touched the window. My touch sent multicolored flashes rippling like a stone in water. I rubbed my fingertip with my thumb as if I expected to find a burn or residue. The surface smoothed over once more. Dare I stick and arm through? What if something snatched it on the other side? Should I peek inside?

  My hands and feet tingled with anxiety as I fought to determine my next move. If only I had Drochaid to point me in the right direction. Or Sully to tell me what to do.

  Sully would tell me to go to God. Could I reach God here? The light surrounding me had to be from Him. How else had I stood, fighting the crippling despair?

  “God! Where are You? Are You here?”

  “I am.” A voice thundered from the space in the sky where the glow began. The blackness billowed with His words, light filtering through the gaps. Then the sky stilled and darkened but for the string wrapped around me. I sucked in my breath and trembled at such awesome power.

  What should I say? Was He here?

  A glowing figure emerged from the blackness, growing in size and definition as it neared. I shielded my eyes. Whoever it was wore a white robe cinched with a gold rope. An angel?

  No. Not an angel. I recognized His kind face and Santa-Claus eyes. “It’s you!” The Man from Saltinat! My fear melted as a surge of pure love emanated from the Man.

  He smiled the most genuine smile in existence. “I knew you’d prefer me in this form.”

  I wanted to run into His arms. But should I? Dare I approach Him?

  He opened His arms to welcome me, and I stopped fighting. I rushed into His embrace as every negative emotion suffocated in His love.

  He touched my cheek with such tenderness.

  I wanted nothing more than to stay where He was, in His presence. His loved bathed me, washing my impurities. What I wouldn’t give to stay this way forever. “Have You come to take me away?”

  He shook His head. “Your time hasn’t yet come. There’s much for you to do.”

  “But I’m trapped. Morrigan has taken over.” Somehow, in His presence, that realization didn’t fill me with misery.

  “My child, she can’t control you. You’re Mine.”

  “Then how—”

  “You’re allowing her to do this to you. Somehow, you’re not aware of the power within you. My power. It’s been there for you to use anytime you choose.”

  “How do I do that?”

  “By letting go.”

  “Huh? I don’t understand. Should I roll over and let whatever happens, happen? Isn’t that what I’m doing now?”

  “No, you’re trying to control things as if you had the power. Give up and seek Me. Tap into My power.”

  But I had no control over anything? What could He mean? Then, as if His thoughts penetrated my soul, I saw my reactions to—everything. All this time, I could have basked in His power, trusting Him, and experiencing His peace even in the face of losing Turas, my eyesight, and Sully. And Morrigan wouldn’t have been able to control my mind. I allowed it. I should have trusted God—asked Him to show me what to do. But I didn’t. I fought for control. My guilt warred with the love emanating from Him. “But how?”

  “Keep moving forward, knowing I’m in control. Trust Me to guide you.” He took my hand. “Come.” He led me to t
he window. “What do you see?”

  Alastar and Declan faced the window, their eyes wide. A city loomed in the background. That must be Nica. They were so close already? It had only felt like a few minutes had passed. Did time move slower in here?

  “Why isn’t it working?” Alastar asked.

  I turned to Jesus. “Are they trying to start the fire?”

  Peace radiated from Him. “Without you, it won’t work. Morrigan wouldn’t let it if she could. There are aspects of your mind she can’t penetrate.”

  “But she crawled in here.”

  The glow surrounding Him flashed. “She gave you an image of her crawling in. But she’s not here. She can’t be where I am.”

  “But the darkness—”

  “Those are the lies she’s filling you with. The lies you’re believing. She’s suffocating you with them to push Me aside so she can control you.”

  “And the Light is You?”

  He nodded to the sky. “Up there, beyond the gloom. And here.” He patted his chest. “And here.” He pointed to my heart. “I will always be with you.” He grasped the thin cord surrounding me and tugged. “This is your faith. It need not be this small. That part is up to you.”

  More pinpricks of light shot through the gloom.

  He smiled. “See? You’re already trusting the Truth. Keep believing, and you will obliterate the lies and with it—the darkness.”

  “What lies? Can You show me?”

  “That’s something you should always remember to ask. It pleases Me to shed My Light on such deception.” He wrapped an arm around me. “The biggest lie you tell yourself is that you’re not worthy of love.” A tear dripped down His cheek.

  He cried? My feeling unworthy brought Him to tears?

  “I created you, dear child. Shouldn’t it hurt me when you don’t value yourself as I do?”

  Was He reading my mind again?

  “I know your innermost thoughts. There is nothing you can hide from Me. I know you better than you know yourself. Which is why it’s important you ask Me to reveal your heart to you, so I can show you and help you grow closer to Me.”

  “But I can’t. I’m not worthy of such love. No one has—”

  “Stop feeding yourself lies. You think, because your grandmother couldn’t love you, you’re not worthy?”

  I nodded. Tears slipped down my cheeks.

  “She had no love to give. She didn’t know Me. She couldn’t love herself. How could she love anyone else? Do not judge your worth by the opinions of those around you. Come to Me. Ask Me. I will tell you how loved you are.”

  “How loved am I?” His image blurred though my tears.

  He held up His hands to show me the piercings. “This much.”

  I slumped into His arms and wept.

  He whispered in my ear. “If it had only been you, I still would have done it.”

  Sobs racked my body. He was right. Every lie I bought hinged on me feeling unworthy of love. Every judgement I passed onto others stemmed from my own insecurities based on that lie. All the little lies branched from that giant lie. How different would I be if I trusted the truth? He held me while I ugly cried until my eyes were dry and I had nothing left but shuddering breaths.

  When I calmed, I pulled back, still clinging to His robe. A light more dazzling than before replaced the darkness.

  “That’s better.” He held my face in both hands and peered into my eyes. Such gentle strength and fierce love met me there. “I’ve shown you before how much I love you. When you forget, come to Me, and I will remind you.”

  “What do I do now?”

  “Go show Morrigan she can’t manipulate you. And you take My love and share it with others. Although I would give it to you alone, it’s not meant for you alone. It’s for all who choose to believe.”

  Chapter Thirty-Three

  ◊◊◊

  THE COPPER SCENT OF blood assaulted my nose. Fallen men were strewn throughout the courtyard. Fasgadair appeared and vanished like swift ghosts, slitting throats. Where were Alastar and Declan?

  God, show me where they are.

  I ran through the city gate and found Alastar lying in a pool of blood. “No, no, no! Please! I can’t be too late.” I slipped in the blood and righted myself before I fell. “Alastar!” I shook him. His eyes opened. “Are you hurt?”

  He grasped the back of his head, winced, and sat up. “A fasgadair threw me. Must’ve knocked me out.” He eyed me with suspicion. “What happened to you?”

  “Uh.” How could I explain how I acted here when I wasn’t present? “I’m okay now.”

  “Fallon! Alastar!” Declan came running up behind. He gave me the same look Alastar had, only a little more wild eyed and impatient. “You all right?”

  I reached for his hand. “We need to stop this.”

  Declan pulled away. “But the fire won’t work.”

  “It will now.” I clasped his hand. We each grabbed Alastar to pull him up. The moment we all linked hands, the fire ignited. We ran through the mayhem like a wrecking ball, incinerating all the fasgadair who crossed our path. Anything to stop them from slaughtering more of our people.

  The fasgadair took notice, surprise masking their demonic faces. They must’ve thought Morrigan still possessed me.

  “Fasgadair, listen and heed my words! Salvation is here!” I shouted to the crouching fasgadair. “God will save you, shed you of your demon flesh, if you surrender to Him.” Where were these words coming from? Was I making this up as I went along? How was I going to save these creatures when most didn’t want to be rescued?

  Wrong question. How was God going to do that?

  God, You want to save these people more than I do. Show me how.

  Maili appeared in my periphery. “If you want salvation, Maili will show you how.”

  She watched me like I’d lost my last marble.

  “But I warn you—one wrong move, and my brothers and I won’t hesitate to kill you.”

  Several fasgadair dropped their weapons and approached Maili, while others sneered and skulked away.

  Though I hated the idea, I had to set them on fire. Never had I started fires with such swift accuracy. I somehow sensed their speed and direction. It could only have come from God. Further confirmation that their temporary pain was for their greater good… if they were redeemable. “Cut them!” I yelled to our men with blood-dipped weapons. One way or another, we would test them.

  Sure enough, they had made their choice. Each fasgadair who tried to leave turned to dust, while all those who sought out Maili, allowing her to cut them, lived. Yet I was grateful God gave me the chance to know for sure and not leave me with the guilt of their death as misplaced as that may be. He gave me the opportunity to try.

  Something within me clicked. This was why God allowed difficulties into our lives. Such challenges forced us to pick a side. And, if we picked Him, difficulties brought us closer to Him, making us more dependent upon Him. Only then could we truly live—when our circumstances no longer dictated our attitudes. Instead, God’s love made us content in any circumstance.

  “Fallon?” A strange voice pulled me from my thoughts.

  A man in a brown robe, a redeemed fasgadair, walked toward me, head low. He lifted his gaze and lowered his hood, revealing an eye patch.

  “Uh. Yes?” What did he want? To praise me? “If you’re here to—”

  “I’m here to seek your forgiveness.” His fingers fidgeted by his side, then clasped together in front of his robe.

  “Forgiveness? For wh—” No. It couldn’t be. A fasgadair missing an eye? Was this—

  “My pod came upon you in the woods last year. I—” He lowered his gaze, watching his twisting fingers. “I killed one in your company.”

  Ryann. My jaw clenched as my fists shook. I fought the urge to rush at the man and take back the redemption he didn’t deserve. If only I had such power.

  But what of God’s powe
r? What would God’s power afford me in this moment? What would He have me do?

  God, please show me what to—

  Forgive.

  The word came on so fast and strong it knocked me back a step. My nose and chest tingled with the urge to cry, but I fought it as I scanned the man cowering before me, full of true remorse. Wasn’t God’s redemption—His love and forgiveness—for everyone? I didn’t deserve it either. How could I claim it for myself and not offer it as well?

  I stuffed down the part that resisted what I was about to say. “I forgive you.” My heart softened and grew, like the Grinch’s, so that it might burst from my chest. I’d only half-felt the words before I uttered them, but now I meant them wholeheartedly. I’d truly forgiven this man, and I felt lighter.

  He rushed to close the gap between us and latched onto my hand. “Thank you.” His eye misted.

  “Sorry about your eye.” I pointed to his patch. The image of his grapelike eyeball skewered onto my talon turned my stomach. “Why didn’t it regenerate?”

  All this time, I’d pictured it regrown.

  He released me. “Apparently, eyes plucked from the socket can’t come back from nothing.” He loosed a hearty laugh. “’Tis better to lose an eye and save my soul.”

  ****

  Kai charged through the crowd, heading straight for me. He slowed as he neared. “Are you back?”

  I crossed my arms and scowled. “I hate to think what Morrigan might’ve done or said while I… ” While I what? Detained?

  “It is you.” He gripped my face and kissed my forehead. “I thought I’d lost you.” He kissed my head again. Then seized me, pulling me to his chest, and smoothed my hair.

  “What happened?” Not sure I wanted the answer. “What did she do?”

  “She tried to pretend to be you. But I knew something was wrong. And then, when the fire didn’t start, she laughed. Then the fasgadair attacked.”

  King Abracham stood at the castle entrance. “The castle is clear, but we need to be careful. There may be more. Morrigan might send others to attack before we invade Diabalta or Ceas Croi. And we’ve lost four hundred and twenty-three men. Go nowhere alone. Stay together in groups. And await further instruction as we assess the situation.”