A sob lodged in my chest and I tried to choke it down, trying not to feel the pain that swept over me, but it was impossible. Agony wrapped around me like cold tentacles as the loss hit me all over again, binding me in unexpected raw sadness.
I couldn’t stop the memories. Gadreel stabbed me, and the blood... So much blood. I managed to escape and fly again, even though the pain was unbearable. All I could think was that I had to get to my sister. She would be able to save me and my daughter. But it was too late. I died, and though Raphael resurrected me, he couldn’t save my child.
Another sob escaped me at the memory. She was gone. My daughter was gone. I still remembered the first time I felt her move inside me, and the unbearable grief when I realized I would never feel her again. The pain was as fresh now as if it had just happened.
After my resurrection, the despair had been overwhelming. I couldn’t shake the belief I should have died with my daughter. I was angry, so incredibly angry that Raphael had brought me back without her. How could I go on with my life, knowing what I’d lost?
I’d begged Jophiel to wipe my memories. Begged her to kill me again. Begged her to let me start over fresh as a new person, leaving Haniel behind forever.
And in a way, she’d done just that.
The tears flowed freely now as the memories swept through me, so hard and fast I could barely breathe through them. Gasping, I clutched my chest as true despair radiated through me, so strong I could barely stand it. My daughter was an innocent victim of the curse, and I would give anything to trade places with her, to give up my life so she could live.
I felt so helpless. So alone. I understood now why Lucifer told me I might not want to know.
Zel sank down beside me on the bed and wrapped her arms around me without a word, enveloping me in a tight hug. I was so surprised by the gesture, especially since Zel had no idea why I was upset, that at first I nearly jerked away from her touch. Then I leaned into her, pressed my face against her shoulder, and cried against her.
She held me the entire time, offering me silent, strong comfort. She didn’t ask me to explain. She didn’t tell me it would be okay. She simply allowed me to find my way through the grief while showing me I wasn’t alone in it. Like a true friend.
Eventually, I tried to talk, a garbled stream of consciousness punctuated by sobs and uncoordinated inhales and gasps. “It hurts too bad. I—I wish I’d never remembered. Why did I have to know so badly? I should have listened. I should have let the past die...”
Zel pushed back enough to look me in the eyes. “No. It’s better that you know, even if the memories are painful. I know you believe this. You’re an Ofanim. Truth is everything to your kind. No matter how hard it is to bear it.”
I hated her at that moment because she was right. I’d never be satisfied without the truth. But even accepting that, I didn’t know how to stop the overwhelming tide of agony. All I could do was let it wash over me, burying my face as I let more tears fall. It was pointless trying to hold them back. I surrendered and let the grief take me away, because I didn’t know how to bring it to an end any other way.
* * *
At some point, I fell asleep and didn’t wake until sunlight brightened the day outside, shining through the windows. This time when I opened my eyes, it was my sister sitting beside me. She stroked my head like a mother looking after her child, and that only made my chest tighten up again.
“Do you understand now?” she asked. “Why I had to do it?”
Her questions and her tone instantly put me on edge. I sat up and stared at her, feeling hollow inside. “I asked you to do it.”
“Yes,” she said with a sigh of relief. “I’m so sorry. I wish you never had to remember any of it.”
I shook my head as more memories returned, this time of my life after my resurrection—as a human. Living fake lives in different cities, oblivious to my true self, believing all the lies my sister told me about who I was. Jophiel always kept me close to her, in towns big enough that people wouldn’t notice me much, but small enough that I wouldn’t be easily found. But I inevitably uncovered something that made me question everything about myself, and then she would swoop in again. Over and over she gave me a new life and a new identity, wiping my brain so many times I’m surprised I didn’t have permanent damage from it. And any new friends or connections I’d made in that time? Any interests or accomplishments I’d achieved? All the places I came to call home? Gone. Forever.
Yes, I’d asked to forget. Yes, I’d asked to die and be reborn again. But I hadn’t asked for that.
My voice was hoarse and my throat scratchy as I said, “What you did was unforgivable.”
“I only did what you asked me to do,” she said, and the look she gave me was exasperated rather than apologetic. “I was trying to help you.”
“You were trying to control me.” I threw off the covers and got out of bed, needing space from her. “You took away my ability to have a real life. With friends. With family. With a home or a career or anything of my own.”
“I know it seems extreme, but I also kept you alive and safe for forty years. If you’d gone back to living as Haniel, Adam would have killed you again.” Her tone was so reasonable, and that only upset me even more.
“You took everything from me. My memories, my power, my identity...” My heart twisted. “And my mate.”
“You asked me to take away the pain, and that’s what I did. You must remember now how distraught you were. I only wanted to help you get through the grief.” A flicker of pain marred Jophiel’s perfect features for a moment. “I understand the loss of a child. I know how it breaks you. You might remember that I lost a daughter too once, before you were even born. More recently, my son, Ekariel, was taken from me when he was a child. For years I believed he was dead, but a few months ago he was rescued from a cult, yet that didn’t erase the suffering I endured all that time. There’s nothing as painful as losing a child. I didn’t want you to have to go through that too.”
“When I asked you to wipe my memories, I wasn’t in my right mind,” I said, as tears slipped my eyes again at the reminder of my loss. “For fuck’s sake, I asked you to kill me too! You should have comforted me and given me time to grieve with Lucifer over our loss, instead of trying to fix the problem by taking everything away from me!”
She reached for me, but I sidestepped her touch. “You’re my little sister. If you’re in pain, I’ll do whatever I can to fix that.”
“But you turned my life into a lie! I don’t even know who I am anymore!” Fury and despair pounded through me, throbbing in my head, filling me until I couldn’t contain it anymore. My wings burst from my back, and golden light shot out of me, knocking over a lamp behind me and throwing the bedsheets back.
Jophiel stood, one hand outstretched like she was trying to stop me from doing something rash. “Haniel, please. I know this is a lot to take in. But you must stay calm.”
I was about to tell her to shove calm up her ass, when Azazel ran into the room, her daggers out—one gleaming with white light, the other seething with darkness.
“What was that?” Zel asked, scanning the room for any apparent threat.
“Her powers are coming back too quickly,” Jophiel said, before turning to me with urgency in her voice. “You need training to control them, or you’ll hurt someone.”
“I’ll take care of it,” Zel said, her eyes never leaving my face even as she addressed Jo.
“This is only something an angel can help with,” Jophiel replied in a frosty tone.
“I was an angel,” Zel snapped. “Once.”
“That was thousands of years ago!”
“Enough,” I yelled, holding up my glowing hands. I couldn’t seem to make them stop.
“Stay with me,” Jophiel said. “I will help you regain control of your powers and remind you about your angelic side. You’re the daughter of two Archangels. You belong with us—not with the demons.”
“No. I don’
t.” I stared at my sister, who’d lied to me so many times and stolen so much from me. If Lucifer hadn’t killed me, I’d still be a clueless human with my powers locked away. I wasn’t sure where I belonged, but it wasn’t with her. It wasn’t with Lucifer either though. Not after what he’d done.
The two people who claimed to love me the most had hurt and betrayed me, all supposedly to protect me. They’d left me broken. Shattered. Alone.
Well, not entirely alone. Zel stood beside me, even knowing what I was. And Brandy, back in Vista—she’d always been a loyal friend. My heart clenched thinking about her. She was my real sister, and she was the one I needed now. Maybe with Zel she’d find a way to put me back together again.
I went into the bathroom and cleaned myself up, changing into fresh clothes, and then headed back out. Zel and Jophiel were still there in the guest room, glaring at each other. I grabbed the rest of my things.
“We’re leaving,” I said to Jophiel. “And we’re taking your car. Don’t try to follow us.”
“No, you can’t go,” Jophiel started, but I brushed past her without listening and headed for the door. Would I ever be able to forgive my sister? I wasn’t sure. But it definitely wasn’t happening today.
As we headed outside, Zel grabbed the keys. “Where are we going?”
“To Vista.” I drew in a deep, shuddering breath. “Back to Hannah’s life.”
7
Hannah
The drive took nearly all day, and I spent a good bit of it telling everything to Azazel, detailing all of Lucifer and Jophiel’s crimes. She listened to everything without complaint, and weathered all of my crying without making me feel any less for it. When I was done, she simply said, “That’s some messed up shit,” and the brutal truth of it actually made me laugh through the tears. Messed up shit indeed.
I was comforted by the thought of seeing Brandy again, and when we pulled up outside the sand-colored ranch house she owned, relief settled over me. It all looked the same as when I’d last seen it. So familiar. So simple. I was a different person now than when I’d left—many people, really, and holding far too many memories—but I craved this return to my normal, ordinary life.
“Hannah!” Brandy yelled, after throwing open the front door. She must’ve seen the Lamborghini pull up. It wasn’t exactly subtle in a quiet suburban neighborhood like this one.
I jumped out of the car and met her halfway across the yard. She wrapped me in her arms and I breathed in, so happy to be home I nearly started crying again. At least Brandy was still my friend. Something constant in a world that had turned completely upside down.
“I’m so happy to see you,” she said, as she pulled back to look at me. I stared at her too, trying to suss out how she was doing ever since returning home from her ordeal. Her kidnapping in Las Vegas had started all of this, but surprisingly she looked better than ever. Her dark skin glowed, her brown eyes danced, and her curly hair gleamed. I could only imagine what a wreck I must look like in return.
She looked over my shoulder, her gaze resting on Zel. The Fallen had stepped out of the car, looking dark and dangerous, though luckily her knives were hidden.
I gestured back at my companion. “This is Zel, my...friend.”
“Nice to meet you,” Brandy said, then grabbed my hand. “Come inside so we can catch up. I want to hear everything that happened after you went back to Vegas.”
That seemed like a lifetime ago, even though it had only been a few days. I tried not to think about that as we walked in and I glanced around the familiar living room with its cozy furniture. Brandy’s son, Jack, was sitting on the gray couch, playing video games with Asmodeus, who I recognized instantly. Not only from the brief time I’d met him in Vegas, but from before that. All the times I’d known him during my past lives flickered through my head, threatening to overwhelm me. I rested my fingertips on my forehead as I sucked in a quick deep breath and shoved the memories back down.
“Hello, my queen," Asmodeus said with a dashing smile, and I tried not to cringe at the reminder of who I was. With dark hair, bronze skin, and the facial structure of a god, he was still incredibly hot but...something was missing. He seemed different. Dialed down somehow.
I was surprised to see him here, especially in such a casual position. Asmodeus was an ancient, powerful incubus, and though he’d obviously developed feelings for Brandy while they were both held captive together, it was impossible for them to be together. As demons of lust and sexual energy, Lilim could only sleep with a human once without killing them. Yet somehow he was here, playing video games with Brandy’s son like it was a normal thing for an incubus to do.
His mouth opened like he might say something more, but instead he grunted as Jack squealed and leaped off the couch, throwing his game controller in Asmodeus’s lap on the way.
“Hannah!” Jack ran the last few steps to me, his arms out before he caught me around my waist, barreling into me and nearly knocking me over with his exuberance. He was sticky, I could tell without even touching him, but I didn’t care. My heart swelled as I held him close.
“Did I hear Hannah?” I turned at the familiar voice as Brandy’s mom, Donna, walked in, her lips forming a gentle smile. “Oh, my sweet girl. Thank you for saving my daughter.”
Donna had once been a bigger woman before cancer ravaged her, but she still gave big hugs. In her arms I inhaled her familiar strong perfume, and a fresh wave of emotion threatened to overwhelm me. These people were genuinely happy to see me, and I’d missed them too. I regretted that everything had changed so much since I was last here.
But then I remembered they were happy to see Hannah. Was I even Hannah anymore? Was I perpetuating a lie by coming here?
“Let me take Jack outside for a bit before dinner,” Donna said, grabbing the boy’s hand. “I’ll let you kids talk.”
“What happened to you?” Zel asked Asmodeus once they were gone, her words abrupt and to the point—and confirmation I wasn’t the only one who’d noticed he seemed like a lesser version of his usual self.
He looked down at himself and shrugged like the next words were no big deal. “I asked my mother to make me mortal so I could be with Brandy. As Archdemon of the Lilim, she alone has that power over our kind.”
Zel snorted and gave me a look, her eyebrow raised as high as I’d ever seen it. “Lots of that going around it seems.”
Oh. My chest tightened. It was the same thing Jophiel had done to me. The difference was that he’d requested it, whereas it had been done to me unknowingly.
“That’s a big sacrifice to make,” I said, and now I understood why Brandy looked so radiant. What an amazing act of love. He gave up everything to be with her. Just like that.
“But you’re going to grow old and die now,” Zel said, sounding horrified.
“Yes.” Asmodeus took Brandy’s hand and seemed excited by the idea. “I’ve had plenty of immortality, and it was time for a change. I just hope she’ll still want me when I’m old and gray.”
Brandy looked at Asmodeus, her brown eyes full of warmth and love. “It’s more likely he won’t want me when I’m old, and will regret giving up his immortality and powers.”
He reached up to cup her face, gazing into her eyes. “I’d never feel that way. I couldn’t.”
The truth of his words ricocheted within me. Even as a human I’d always had this gut instinct about truth and knew I was a good judge of character, but now I realized that was my Ofanim powers all along. Now they’d returned in full force, and Asmodeus’s truth was strong and pure, like a shining light inside him.
“I’m so happy for you both,” I said with a faint smile. And I was, even if I was concealing shock that Asmodeus was willing to give up so much after knowing Brandy for such a short time. But I supposed when you met your fated mate, there was little that could stop you from wanting to be with them. I felt that unbreakable bond with Lucifer even now, hundreds of miles away, no matter how upset I was with him.
Zel plo
pped on the couch beside Asmodeus. “Mad Green Zombie? I love that game. What level are you on?”
Brandy rolled her eyes at another gamer in the house and looked at me. “Hungry?”
“I could eat.” We’d stopped for lunch briefly during our long drive, but with everything else going on in my head and the turmoil of my emotions, food had seemed like the smallest of worries.
We walked into the kitchen to find Donna had taken Jack outside into the yard, where he was riding his bike around in circles. I watched him out of the window for a moment with a pang in my chest. I’d missed this. But I knew I didn’t belong here either.
Brandy began getting some things out of the fridge as she talked. “I’ve got lasagna in the oven. Good thing I made a big one. Should be about fifteen minutes. Enough time for you to tell me what’s been going on...and why you’re here instead of with Lucifer.”
I sighed and shook my head as I registered her implied question. How could I answer her? My entire life had been upheaved in the last few days. I didn’t even know how to begin—and wasn’t sure I wanted to drag Brandy back into this dark world with me. Not now that she had gotten out of it with Asmodeus and had a chance at a happy ending. But there were definitely things I needed to tell her. Truths I couldn’t keep hidden.
“I had to get away for a while,” I finally said. “I needed to get back to my normal life, and wanted to see you.”
She threw some lettuce in a large bowl, then grabbed some croutons. “I’m really glad to see you, but I can tell something’s up with you. Spill it.”
“I found out something about myself, something that’s changed everything.” I sucked in a breath and positioned myself in the center of the kitchen so I didn’t knock anything over, before spreading my wings. “I’m an angel.”
“Oh shit!” She dropped the salad dressing she was about to open, and the plastic bottle bounced on the floor. “You have wings! Like actual wings!”
Devilish Mate: Claimed By Lucifer Book Two Page 4