Weight of the Badge: An Everyday Heroes World Novel (The Everyday Heroes World Book 21)

by T. R. Cupak

  “Holy fuck!” followed by a few other choice words rumble free from deep within his throat. Our sweaty bodies go limp from pleasure. I take a moment to close my eyes and relive the intimate connection I shared with Kade, but that is a huge mistake because all I see is my brother’s dead body.

  I scramble to untangle myself from Kade and the blankets. The urge for privacy is unlike anything I’ve felt before. Slamming the door behind me, I lock it, turn on the shower, and step inside. I don’t acknowledge the cold water hitting my body, and I drop to my knees, double over, and cry. I cry so hard it physically hurts.

  “I’m sorry, Deacon,” I whimper over and over. But it’s not because I had mind-blowing sex with Kade, making him break the life-long promise he made to my brother, but because I wasn’t a better sister. I was useless. I offered Deacon nothing but an ear to listen or a shoulder to cry on. I couldn’t save my brother from the torment and sadness that plagued his mind.

  Now who’s going to save me?

  30

  KADE

  Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! What in the fuck did I just do? I slept with my best friend’s sister, the one I vowed I would never touch, that’s what. And now, she’s locked away in the bathroom, crying, and regretting what we did. I’ve knocked on the door numerous times, but I got no reply. So, instead of breaking down the door, I do the next best thing I can think of—I text Sydnee. If anyone can get Britney to open the door, it’ll be her. I also ask her to bring Britney some clothes since I burned the ones she was wearing, just as she asked me to.

  Since my bathroom is occupied, I opt to shower in the spare bedroom. After I get dressed, I go out front with Dexter and wait for Sydnee to arrive. She doesn’t ask too many questions before going into the house. I decide not to tell her that Britney and I had sex. When she enters the house, I put Dexter in his dog run so I can take off. No matter how good or how right it felt to have Britney in my bed, to make love to her, I regret it, and it’s obvious she does too.

  Without saying goodbye, I jump into my car and speed off down the road. At first, I don’t have a clue where I’m going, but when I turn down the street toward McShane’s, that’s where I decide to stop. Now that I’m parked, I send a quick text to my mom telling her we’re running behind. There’s no reason to make her worry or have her say something to DeAnne or Robert; it will only give them more to stress over. After my quick correspondence with my mom, I text Sydnee and tell her I’m at McShane’s. I also ask her to text me when they head to the Winslows’.

  When I don’t hear back from Sydnee, I figure she has her hands full with a hysterical Britney, so I exit my car and head into the pub. It’s mid-afternoon, and the regulars are scattered around the bar, so I find an empty barstool and sit my ass down.

  “Hey there, gorgeous. Why the long face?” It’s apparent that Destiny doesn’t watch or read the news, and I have zero desire to have that deep of a conversation with her.

  “Leave the man alone and go wait on your tables,” Finn barks at his sister.

  “You’re a dick,” she snaps back.

  “Here.” Finn slides a double shot of Jameson and a pint of 805 blonde ale across the counter. “You look like you can use those.”

  “You haven’t heard?” I ask.

  “I did. Deacon was a good man. I’m sorry he had to end it that way. I should have known something was up when he started coming here daily without you or his sister.”

  Those words don’t sit well with me. Deacon was coming to the pub daily? That wasn’t like him.

  “How did he seem when he was here?”

  “Distant. Kept to himself. Well, that is until Destiny got a hold of him. You know her. She’s a badge bunny.” The woman only fucks guys with badges, and because the whole department knows this, they know where to come for a lay. It’s sad, really. Destiny is pretty and street smart. She just doesn’t have the self-esteem to think she’s worthy of a good man for something more than a fuck or a blow job.

  Coming to the pub is proving to be a horrible idea. I’m not mad that Destiny hooked up with Deacon. I’m angry that she took advantage of him. She said she would never go for Deacon because she hoped I would come around and start dating her, and that it would be awkward down the road. I guess I could be partially to blame for her self-esteem issues. I mean, I made it clear since day one that if we did anything, she needed to know that it would be just a booty call, and there would never be anything more between us.

  I toss back the shot and chug down the beer when a fight breaks out down the hallway leading to the bathrooms.

  “I got this,” I tell Finn. It’s a guy and girl arguing over whether or not he was checking out Destiny’s rack or flirting with her when he thought his girlfriend wasn’t paying attention. I don’t hear his rebuttal, but whatever it was, it warranted a slap. The tiny five-foot-two-inch girl slaps him hard, and before he can lay a hand on her, I step between them and tell him to leave. If he’s smart, he’ll take his short, scrawny ass out the back door and avoid a fight with me. With the mood I’m in, I would have no problem laying him out for my own pleasure.

  The guy is smart and backs off, turning and heading out the back exit of the pub. His girlfriend, or whatever she is, thanks me before she leaves out the front door. Something tells me that they’ll probably have angry make-up sex in their car, not giving two shits there’s still daylight and people can see them. To each their own.

  Now that the confrontation is defused, Destiny brushes past me as she heads to the storage room. She turns her head and winks, beckoning me to follow her. It’s been ninety minutes since I had sex with Britney, and the guilt is eating me alive. I know I shouldn’t go into the storage room, but something inside me thinks that if I fuck Destiny, I’ll get Britney out of my head, even if it didn’t work the last time.

  So, abandoning what would be the right thing to do, I step inside the storage room to find Destiny sitting on a small wooden desk with her legs spread and tits out, waiting for me. I take two steps in her direction and pause as I come to my senses.

  Hooking up with Destiny is wrong and fucked up on every level. I’m in love with Britney, and that love is the reason there’s no way I could ever fuck someone else to get her out of my head. The fact that we made love for the first time doesn’t give me the go-ahead to fuck another woman when things go sideways. Nope. Not this time.

  “Thanks, but no thanks. I know Deacon’s been there, done that—recently. I’m good.” Before Destiny could beg, I turn and open the storeroom door, and when I step out, I bump into Britney, nearly knocking her over. Fuck my life.

  “Wow, Kade. Nice,” Sydnee grits through clenched teeth after she cranes her neck to look inside the room. Of course, Destiny’s tits are still out on display, which doesn’t give me any wiggle room to try and fix this.

  “Brit, nothing happened. I swear on your brother’s grave.” The words are out of my mouth before my brain catches up to what I said. Pain mars her beautiful face, and without saying a word, she turns and runs out of the pub.

  “Sydnee, I—”

  “Tell Britney he didn’t lay a hand on me since he found out I fucked Deacon.” Destiny pushes past us without missing the opportunity to take a stab at Sydnee, knowing that she and Deacon used to date. And the shitty part is, Destiny doesn’t know Deacon is dead, so she thinks she still has a fuck buddy.

  Sydnee’s eyes gloss over as she comprehends Destiny’s words. I don’t know what in the fuck to do here. Britney is outside pissed and hurt. I need Sydnee to tell her what Destiny said, but Syd’s standing here like a statue ready to crumble, holding onto her stomach like she’s going to puke.

  “Are you gonna be sick?” I ask her. She shakes her head no. “Come on.” I grab Sydnee’s hand and lead her to the front entrance. “Finn, put my drinks on my tab,” I call out to him as we pass the bar.

  “On the house. Please give our condolences to Deacon’s family,” he responds, and I gesture so that he knows I heard his request. Destiny is in earsh
ot, and I hear her ask Finn what he means, but step outside before he answers.

  Sydnee’s car is parked on the street in front of the pub. Britney is facing the car with her arms crossed and resting on the roof. Her forehead is lying on her arms, and her shoulders are shaking, indicating she’s crying. Today started in a good place for what we’re about to go through, and I’ve turned it into a fucking mess.

  “Britney, I didn’t touch her. I didn’t even go near her. Please believe me,” I beg. “Did the thought cross my mind? Yes, for a millisecond, because I’m an idiot, but I came to my senses. I know you regret what happened this morning, but Britney, I love you. I’m in love with you. This morning was beautiful, and it’s everything I want plus so much more.”

  Britney stands straight and turns to face me, eyes puffy and red. Sydnee is still standing beside me, looking like she saw a ghost and hasn’t said a word. She needs to snap out of it if I’m going to salvage any chance of a future with Britney.

  “Brit, please believe me.”

  “He’s telling the truth.” Sydnee finally speaks in my defense. “Destiny’s been sleeping with Deacon.” Britney’s eyes go wide, and there is more to those words than I know, but what?

  “Recently,” I add, thinking it will help. I was wrong.

  “Syd, I’m so sorry.” Britney closes the distance between her and Sydnee and pulls her into a bear hug.

  I’m trying to figure out what is going on, but I’m clueless. Syd’s weird behavior would be easier to understand if my best friend was still here to blame for fucking around, but he’s not. Besides, he and Sydnee haven’t been a thing in years. What am I missing?

  “He didn’t know, Syd. It’s not your fault D didn’t get a chance to know you’re pregnant.”

  What in the fuck did Britney just say? Clearly, I heard that incorrectly.

  “Wait. What?” I finally sputter out my single word question.

  “Sydnee’s nine weeks pregnant with Deacon’s baby,” Britney confesses for Sydnee. “She just found out and was going to tell him, but—”

  “Say no more.” I move in closer to the girls and wrap my arms around both of them. Sydnee’s pregnant with Deacon’s baby. Wow.

  31

  BRITNEY

  The next couple of days go by in a blur. The police chief’s wife and Deacon’s sergeant’s wife have been angels during this time of grieving. Beth won’t leave my mother’s side, and my dad has buried himself in work. He’s struggling with the loss of his son, but he won’t show it. Dad keeps telling me he’s fine, but those words don’t sit well with me. I have to remind myself that my dad is not Deacon. I know he’s trying to be the strong one for my mother and me.

  Sydnee finally found the nerve to tell my parents that she’s pregnant with Deacon’s baby. They were shocked, just as I was, but her baby is our beacon of light during these dark times. My parents are delighted with the idea of being grandparents, and I will be the best aunt any kid will ever have.

  Dropping the pregnancy bomb on Kade the way we did took away from the fact that moments before he found out Sydnee is pregnant, he told me he loves me. We spoke long enough for me to say to him that I believe he didn’t do anything with Destiny, and I don’t regret what had happened. But since then, we’ve been in the same room with others around, but not alone.

  “Are you ready?” Sydnee asks from behind me. I’ve been standing in front of my mirror, wearing an all-black knee-length dress and staring at my pale face, trying to decide if I should attempt to do my makeup. When I share my dilemma with Syd, she says, “What’s the use?” I turn to see she’s wearing a dark gray blouse with a black skirt and no makeup.

  “You’re right. I guess I’m ready then.” I grab my clutch off of the bed and exit my room. We have two hours before my brother’s funeral, and I told my parents that we would come over early so we could all leave from their house together. My dad rented a stretch limousine that will fit ten people comfortably. Luckily, there are only seven of us.

  The doorbell rings. I’m not expecting anyone, and I don’t think Sydnee is either. Still, I check the peephole and see a courier, so I open the door.

  “Miss Britney Winslow?” the courier asks.

  “Yes,” I respond hesitantly.

  “Please sign here.” He points to an “x” on the piece of paper and then proceeds to hand me a cardboard envelope. “Have a good day, miss.” I don’t say thank you or you too. I simply close the door and stare at the envelope.

  “What is it?” Sydnee questions.

  “I don’t know.”

  “Open it.”

  I do as my friend suggests, and pull the tab to open the envelope. A lump gets lodged in my throat when I see four envelopes inside, each individually addressed in my brother’s handwriting. There’s one for my parents, one for Sydnee, one for me, and one for Kade. These are Deacon’s final words, his goodbye to those who love him.

  “B, what is it?” Syd’s tone is more anxious than before.

  Accompanying the envelopes is a letter from an attorney’s office stating that he was to mail the four envelopes to me by today. The letter makes no mention of my brother’s death, but then my brother had no way to know today would be his funeral. So, maybe he just chose a random.

  Removing the other contents, I let the cardboard envelope fall to the ground. When Sydnee’s focus goes to the white envelopes, she takes a few steps back and sits down in the closest chair. I can tell she’s not ready for this. Hell, I’m not ready for this, but I need to know what was going through my brother’s head that he thought suicide was his only way out.

  “Here. This one is for you.” She takes it with shaking hands and stares at it, not moving to open it, but then she rips it open and starts to read out loud. I’m not even sure she realizes she is reading out loud.

  “Syd, my raven-haired beauty. I want you to know that I never loved anyone but you. My own stupidity kept us apart, and I take that regret to my grave. Our last night together was something I needed. Although it may have felt like we were finding our way toward something new, I was seeking closure. That’s selfish, I know. But what I plan to do is even more so. Please remember our good times and our bad times, because it’s both that made us better friends. I’m sorry, Sydnee. Love, Deacon…” Sydnee’s voice trails at the end and her tears drip onto the paper. She looks up to meet my teary eyes.

  “Sydnee, I don’t know what to say.” My heart breaks for her and my unborn niece or nephew.

  “There’s nothing to say. Oddly enough, I feel better knowing that Deacon still loved me, and our child will know that too,” she adds while rubbing her hand over her stomach. Syd has a strange calm about her. My brother said he had been seeking closure, and maybe this letter is exactly that for Sydnee—closure. “Are you going to read yours?”

  After hearing her letter, I don’t know how to answer that question. Part of me thinks that I’ll get the answer to my question. But what if I don’t? So, I’m undecided. I don’t know if I want to read my brother’s last words to me. I failed him. Do I deserve to know his final thoughts?

  “Brit, I know you’re scared. I was too, but maybe, just maybe, you will find peace from your letter.” Sydnee isn’t entirely wrong.

  “Is it wrong that I want to know what Kade’s letter says instead?” I’m not the nosy type, but I am curious to know what my brother has to say to Kade.

  “I won’t tell if you won’t.” Sydnee is trying to coax me into opening Kade’s letter, and I’m about to do it when there’s another knock at the door. “I got it.” She stands from her chair and saunters in the direction of the door. When she returns to the dining room, she isn’t alone. Kade is right behind her, looking damn good in his black suit, gray dress shirt, and a thin blue line tie with my brother’s badge number on it. The chief had his wife order custom ties for the officers and yellow ribbon pins with my brother’s badge number in blue for my family and non-sworn employees at the police department.

  “Were your ears
burning?” I ask jokingly.

  “Why? Were you two talking shit about me?” There’s a lightness to his tone. It’s not somber or strained like it has been.

  “We weren’t talking shit. These arrived about twenty minutes ago.” I hold up the remaining three envelopes and Kade immediately recognizes my brother’s handwriting. “Your name is on one of them.”

  “Are those—?”

  “Yeah. Syd already read hers.”

  His eyes go to her, seeking some sort of indication that what she received affected her in any way.

  “You can read it if you want.” Sydnee holds her letter up to Kade.

  “No, it’s okay. Those are D’s last words to you. I don’t need to know what he said. But, thanks for offering.”

  Sydnee nods and leaves the dining room. I hear a door close, so I assume she went to her room to give Kade and me some privacy.

  “Here.” I hand him his envelope and he wastes no time tearing into it. Like Sydnee, he needs answers and closure now, not later. While Kade silently reads his letter, his eyes pool with tears as they skim the page filled with my brother’s final words to his best friend. “Read your letter, Brit,” is all he says to me. When his dark eyes meet mine, he reaches his hand out to me, so I take it. Kade then takes a seat on one of the chairs at the dining room table and pulls me down to his lap. “My beautiful Britney, as much as it pains you to do so, I think you should read your letter.”

  “Kade, I’m not ready.” Kade places his letter on the table and brings a hand up to cup my face. His eyes are like molten chocolate with specks of gold, and those eyes are begging me to read my letter. Kade pulls my face close enough to his to place a sweet kiss to my lips.