BEYOND SHYNESS

by Jonathan Berent

  If only all parents and children were able to talk things out along the way. It is very rare that the parents of an anxious young child will contact me for help. Invariably, they assume “shyness” is a phase the child will grow out: of. Sometimes children do abandon their reserved persona for another, better-adjusted one. But if a young child spends most of his time alone, seldom speaks in class, and expresses no interest in typical childhood pursuits such as interacting with other kids in an age-appropriate manner, playing with toys, engaging in sports, and even watching television and talking about fantasy characters, there could be a problem. One important key along the way is communication. “Do you feel okay?” “How do you feel about the kids at school?” “Do you want to invite someone over to play tomorrow afternoon?” When your child answers, the way she addresses these questions is as important as the words she chooses. Does she seem sad or listless? Defensive? Apologetic? Fearful? If so, then there may be a problem. If you are concerned that your child’s social anxiety is making it hard for her to cope, talk to her teacher or a school counselor. The same thing holds true for children as for adults: Social anxiety is a problem when it prevents you from doing things that you would like to do.

  In determining the social ability level of your preteen, consider the following behavioral symptoms of social anxiety. Note that while some of these symptoms relate exclusively to this age group, others may carry over into later developmental stages. Also keep in mind that these symptoms may be indicative of other problems. For our purposes here, it is the overall pattern of social anxiety that will become evident.

  Preteen Warning Signs

  Lack of peer relationships outside the family

  Difficulty engaging in age-appropriate conversations

  Social skills difficulty

  Inability to make and keep friends

  Obvious anxiety, fear of social situations

  Afraid of groups

  Angry outbursts

  Restlessness

  Inability to concentrate

  Temper tantrums—sustained argumentative or “acting-out” behavior

  Inability to complete projects

  Clumsiness—not good at sports

  Poor muscle coordination

  Poor academic skills

  Depressed mood, seems withdrawn

  Stress-related physical symptoms

  Insecurity

  Limited tolerance of frustration

  Fear of new situations

  Learning disabilities

  THE STORM OF ADOLESCENCE

  Once a child enters adolescence, it may become increasingly difficult to raise these issues. Because adolescence is a time of rebellion—of self-definition, of distinguishing oneself from parents and peers—there may be less communication than ever. It is also a time of great emotional and physical change—and therefore a time of intense confusion within. If the adolescent child’s self-image gets lost in the shuffle, there may be years of hell to pay. Doug is thirty now, and his life is a lot different than any of his high school basketball teammates might have expected. A star player, Doug was offered several college scholarships, but he lost the one he accepted because his grades were poor. After flunking out of college, he went home to live with his parents. More than ten years later, he still lives there. Occasionally he drives a cab, but he spends most days and nights hanging out with a crowd of unemployed high school dropouts who watch TV and smoke marijuana all day (studies show that drug use is common among “shy” boys). Doug conforms easily to peer pressure, so desperate is he for friendship. But the valuable aspects of intimate friendship are entirely missing from his life at this point. And Doug still spends a great deal of time alone. If Doug is home, he’s in his room, alone.

  Despite his abhorrent behavior, Doug’s parents have never really stood up to him, and their own anxiety makes them too afraid to use the “tough love” approach I would recommend in such a case. The few times they have tried to talk to Doug, he has simply gotten up and left the room, closing the door behind him. When they suggest he get a job, he becomes hostile because he resents the fact that they won’t take him into the family business. But they in turn are angry that the few times they have let him work, he has been rude to customers and has come and gone as he pleased.

  They came to me, seeking some workable remedy, but Doug refused to get help. “How can you embarrass me by taking me to a therapist? There’s no problem. I like my life just the way it is.” No steady job. No expenses. No pressure. No wonder. But obviously, something is very wrong. And not just with Doug. His parents, by allowing his irresponsible behavior to continue, by paying his way and letting him abuse their kindness and concern for him, are enabling his conduct to continue.

  And it all started when Doug was still a teenager, when he just dropped out of college and his parents ignored the early symptoms of social maladjustment.

  Adolescent Warning Signs

  Lack of peer relationships outside the family

  Anxiety in social situations

  Difficulty with social skills such as keeping a conversation going

  Depression, withdrawal

  Confusion

  Sexual identity problems

  Interpersonal problems—trouble interacting with people

  Sleep problems, including excessive sleeping

  Stress-related physical symptoms

  Feelings of persecution

  Family conflicts

  Antisocial attitudes

  Overdependence on TV, computer, or video games

  Using subjective symptoms as a way of avoiding responsibilities

  Procrastination

  Fear of groups

  Lack of planning or organization

  Difficulty making decisions

  Difficulty with self-expression

  Feelings of loneliness

  Physical complaints

  Difficulty making and keeping friends; stormy relationships with peers

  Fear of new situations

  Rationalization about lack of social life

  Learning disabilities

  THE SOCIALLY ANXIOUS ADULT

  In the previous chapters, we have already looked at the symptoms of social anxiety typical of “shy” adults. In this chapter, we are addressing the issues faced by parents of socially anxious children of all ages and are outlining a progression from childhood through adolescence to adulthood. Because it is the parent who is making the initial layperson’s diagnosis—not the actual individual—the symptoms outlined here are shown from the point of view of the involved observer. These symptoms are the ones that would be most obvious to family members. Aside from examining the level of independent functioning of the socially anxious adult, watch for the following behavioral symptoms:

  Adult Warning Signs

  Lack of peer relationships outside the family

  Feelings of guilt or shame

  Difficulty with social skills such as keeping a conversation going

  Difficulty with intimacy in relationships

  Sense of being different, alienated from others

  Drug or alcohol dependency

  Feelings of loneliness

  Depression

  Suicidal thoughts

  Quick temper

  Difficulty making or keeping friends

  Devastated reaction to rejection

  Fear of humiliation

  A sense of reality as black or white

  Distorted body image

  Anxiety attacks, especially in social situations

  Difficulty making decisions

  Anxiety reactions in restaurants, banks, movies

  Persistent difficulty with job, career

  Sexual-identity problems

  Physical complaints/hypochondria

  Self-destructive behavior

  Stress-related physical symptoms

  Fear of groups

  In reviewing these generalized behavior surveys, you will become more aware of when to intervene. And remember, the e
arlier the better.

  Once you have decided to help your child to overcome his or her social anxiety and move toward truly independent living, you will need a plan of action. Your role is a vital part of enabling your child to do more than just survive—but to thrive as an independent, fully social person.

  TOUGH LOVE

  You may have heard the phrase “tough love” applied to treating drug- or alcohol-dependent adolescents. Like drugs and alcohol, avoidance of interactions is an addiction, and those addicted will do anything to hide out from the things they fear. Tough love does not mean throwing your adolescent or adult child out on the streets. Tough love means limits, boundaries, rules, and consequences for breaking them. Tough love is positive pressure. It is turning your dependent relationship around. Right now, your child depends on you for support—emotional, financial, or practical. Your goal is to foster independence. How can you do this? By turning that dependence around. Your child depends on you—let him depend on you for guidance through this difficult transition. Tough love may be your best investment in a productive, fulfilling future for your son or daughter, provided it is done at the right time.

  An interesting case comes to mind that illustrates the complex issues surrounding tough love. Billy was a bright fifteen-year-old whose social anxiety led him to decide that he was not going to school anymore. He had no friends, and relied solely on his parents for a sense of acceptance and approval. Outside the home, he was withdrawn and monosyllabic. His parents begged him to go into therapy to discuss his anxiety and avoidance, but he refused, first quietly, and then with violent tantrums.

  On my advice, his parents tried the tough love rules-and-consequences approach. They resolved to make Billy less comfortable at home, taking away TV privileges, then his computer, then his baseball card collection. But there was no progress. So long as he was home from school, away from his peer group, Billy seemed content.

  Upon returning home one afternoon, Billy’s parents were perplexed to discover that Billy, who had been fairly negligent of household chores in the past, had not only vacuumed and dusted as they had asked, but had also cleaned the kitchen, right down to polishing the silverware! Wasn’t this improvement?

  Not exactly, I explained. I interpreted Billy’s behavior this way: “Please, Mom and Dad, I’ll do whatever you want. I’ll be the perfect son. Just don’t make me face my fears.” Time for step two. I advised his parents that the physical comforts they had deprived Billy of were of less value to him than their approval. Their displays of affection were signaling to Billy that his avoiding reality was okay with them. In fact, it was not, and their withholding is what told him so. When Billy behaved unreasonably, or let his fears get the best of him, his parents were firm and direct, not affectionate and forgiving. Soon there was progress. And eventually Billy began therapy and resumed ninth grade.

  That Billy appeared content, despite the fact that he had no relationships with anyone except his parents, is a warning sign. Socially anxious people of any age are likely to deny their problem, to assert, “I’m perfectly happy. I don’t need friends.” As a parent, it is your job to step back and look objectively at the situation. If your child—of whatever age—sees no one of his own peer group except at school or on the job, then there is a problem. What you’re seeing is avoidance: Of course the person appears content when there is no possibility of humiliation, rejection, or scrutiny, the three things he most wishes to avoid. He or she doesn’t want friends? Don’t buy it.

  It’s up to you to take action. The older your socially anxious child gets, the more difficult it will be to change his behavior. If you are waiting for the “phase” to end, you will wait forever. If you are waiting for a day when your resistant child of whatever age will become more reasonable and agree to get help with anxiety on his own, you may wait forever. Keep your expectations reasonable, and know that your own commitment to nurture your child toward independence is what will correct the situation. You want the best for your child, and the best includes experiencing the pleasures of friendship and romantic love. Nurture independence, don’t enable unhealthy dependence. Here is a plan of action.

  GUIDELINES FOR FACILITATING CHANGE

  NOTE: The use of the word “child” in the following guidelines refers to children of all ages, preteen through adult.

  1. Develop positive mental attitude (PMA). You must believe that change is possible. With PMA, there is an excellent chance that there will be progress and growth. Without PMA, the status quo will remain. A uniformly positive message is crucial, so be sure the whole family is behind you to the fullest extent possible. Social anxiety is curable or controllable, but a negative or confused attitude during rehabilitation can result in a chronic social disability. Your child depends on you. Transform that dependence—turn your rescuing into nurturing.

  2. Acknowledge that a social anxiety problem exists. Identify the degree to which it affects both the individual and the family using the surveys, indexes, and profiles in this book.

  3. Realize that your child will not simply “grow out of it.” The only way out of it—at any age—is to learn a way out of it. A step-by-step program, reinforced by your PMA, is the only way. Your child needs your help.

  4. Think of the future. Ask yourself: “What will be the outcome of the present situation if no change is made? And if change is made?”

  5. Establish short- and long-term goals. It is important to be realistic. During a session with the parents of a twenty-year-old young man who had dropped out of college, I asked them, “What do you think is a reasonable goal to try to accomplish with your son this month?” The father replied, “I’d like him to feel good about himself.” Again, the best intentions, but that’s a lifetime of work in just a month. I asked the father instead to redefine the goal into something attainable and concrete: “I’d like him to identify something he accomplished around the house that was helpful to the family.” Same idea, right? But it’s not a once-and-for-all statement of self-esteem. Start small, and work steady!

  6. Understand that your child probably has an avoidant and dependent personality. She avoids social interaction because she fears humiliation and rejection. He depends excessively on family members because he has difficulty with self-reliance and is unsure how to go about establishing a peer support network.

  7. Focus on the present, not on the past. If you realize now that you have enabled your child’s social anxiety by rescuing him or helping him to avoid the situations he fears, accept that as past behavior and move on. Don’t be negatively controlled by guilt. The past does not equal the future. I am reminded of Jay, a twenty-year-old who moved back home when he dropped out of college. Jay was angry and resentful that his parents had sent him to boarding school for ninth and tenth grade; his bad experiences there, he believed, were their fault, and he never let them forget it. They in turn felt they were to blame. But again, the past does not equal the future. Make a stand. If you deny your role in your child’s dependent behavior, there is a good chance that his social anxiety will be permanent. Instead, turn your role around: Your child depends on you, so let him depend on you now to teach him independence.

  8. Develop a strategy or game plan. Realize that your first objective is to help your child change her attitude. If the attitude changes, behavior will eventually change too. Take responsibility for creating appropriate communications with your child. If you have been an enabler or rescuer in the past, it may take some hard work to get your child to see you in a new light. But do everything you can to make your child take your new stance seriously. If at this point she acknowledges the problem and admits she wants help, then much of your battle is won. But as I explained, denial is common, so expect it. In order to improve the situation, you must confront resistance.

  9. Understand your role as enabler. The socially anxious person has an addiction—an addiction to avoidance of things that make him anxious. It is a habit that is hard to break, but with your help—and by your example—he will be
able to confront his fears and begin working to overcome them.

  10. Become an empowerer. This means that you take the role of helping your child to confront and even master the difficult situation instead of enabling him to avoid it.

  11. Make a list of the inappropriate ways your child is dependent on you. These will be most obvious when considering adult children: financial, emotional, and practical needs could be met by a healthy adult, but instead an unhealthy adult relies on you to meet them. In younger children, inappropriate dependence may mean an elementary-age student relying on Mom to choose his friends and invite them to do things with him, or an eighteen-year-old who refuses to learn to drive because his dad takes him wherever he wants to go. This list is the beginning of your power: Use it to negotiate in a productive manner when you are faced with a lack of reason.

  12. Present a united front. Both parents should be perceived as being on the same team. Consistency is essential. When you disagree, do so behind closed doors. The socially anxious individual has learned to play family members off one another, manipulating them both consciously and unconsciously. Manipulation is easy when parents disagree on how the situation should be handled—your child knows this, and will use this knowledge to create chaos and avoid taking responsibility for his or her behavior.