BEYOND SHYNESS

by Jonathan Berent

  13. Understand that your child relies on defense mechanisms. Usually, when confronted with honest, direct communication, he or she becomes uncomfortable or anxious. This may result in a temper tantrum—acting out aggression, making threats, or withdrawing even more than normal. These tantrums will not go away overnight. Often, things get worse before they get better. Your child has relied on his avoidance and dependence as a way of life for as long as he can remember. When you ask him to change, he will resist. Expect that, and be firm. You are in control.

  14. Fight temper tantrums:

  (a) Define your own tolerance level so your child knows the limits of what’s acceptable. Establish consequences your child must face if he persists in his bad behavior. Mean what you say. Never, never threaten any consequence you do not follow through on. Without actual consequences, the negative behavior will remain the same. Enabling is great if you can afford it. I know one wealthy man who supports his daughter and “incorrigible” son-in-law with $100,000 a year just because enabling them to be irresponsible financially makes his life easier—he no longer need worry about their financial status. Not the best way to encourage independence, but that is his choice. On the other hand, I know an elderly woman who can ill afford to send $10,000 or so a year to her son; but she does it anyway, because she fears what his reaction will be next time he’s in dire straits. Again, make your limits clear.

  (b) Learn to manage your own stress. This is extremely important. You may have learned a thing or two from your avoidant child and may therefore back away from stressful situations (believing that it’s easier, short term, to just go ahead and fish for him than to teach him to fish). This new program will be stressful. But it will eventually end in success. Don’t give in just because you are tired. If you do burn out, refer to the stress management techniques in Chapter 6. To renew your commitment to helping your child, think again about the long-term consequences of doing nothing.

  15. Learn what “tough love” means. Confront problems actively and honestly, and insist that your child do the same. Again, mean what you say. Behavior equals consequences. Does that mean throwing your adult child out on the streets? Absolutely not. There are many, many steps to take before resorting to such a drastic measure. Growth occurs by confronting fear and anxiety.

  16. Place positive pressure on the socially anxious child—using gradual steps. To break the negative balance, establish limits, responsibilities, and consequences.

  17. Become your child’s teacher. You are there to teach your child what he does not know. “But I don’t know what to say when I invite Bob over to watch football,” your adult child says. “Let’s practice: How about ’Hey, do you want to come over and watch the game Monday night?’ “ It may be as simple as putting words in his mouth. The role of teacher can be very productive if handled right, so find out just what information or skills are lacking, and start teaching.

  18. If you need to seek professional support, identify your options. Some counseling or psychotherapy may be in order; Chapter 10 will address when this is necessary and give tips on how to shop for a therapist.

  Remember, your child looks to you for guidance. Your influence—your consistent, positive support—may save your child from a life of persistent failure, loneliness, and anxiety. As you proceed through this book, pay special attention to any references to parents or other relatives. You will always be a part of your child’s system, whatever his or her age; our common goal, however, is to ensure that he or she does not just survive but thrives in a social support network of his or her own creation. Although I am speaking directly to readers who are suffering from social anxiety problems, everything I am saying can become part of your success strategy with your preteen, adolescent, or adult child. Understand it, then do all you can to make it an integral part of your family dynamic. With a positive mental attitude, you can make a difference!

  CHAPTER FOUR

  The Deciding Factors: Avoidance, Dependence, and Low Self-Esteem

  Working with independent adults who have made a conscious decision to fight their social anxiety is the most rewarding aspect of what I do. It is also much easier than working with someone who is resistant to change because of deeply ingrained fears. Naturally, there is some degree of resistance in anyone for whom social anxiety is a problem. In a mid- to high-functioning person, the results of my social therapy program are often dramatic, and the person integrates a positive attitude and healthy behaviors into his or her life in a progressive manner. Commitment to change is essential, and what makes commitment possible is PMA—positive mental attitude—a vital component of anyone’s eventual success. Without an optimistic outlook, change is extremely difficult. Consider the following scenarios, which delineate three different levels of social anxiety:

  Ellen: Ellen, forty-two, is a graphic designer for a small advertising company. Her art training has given her a good sense of color, which she uses both in choosing her clothes and in decorating the condominium she bought last year. She enjoys going to museums, and has pursued painting as a hobby for many years. Ellen often goes on these outings alone, but she does occasionally invite a friend to join her. Usually, though, it is the friend who calls to invite Ellen, not the other way around. Ellen, like many socially anxious people, avoids telephone contact. Her answering machine is her guard dog—it’s always on, screening her calls. When she returns a call, she usually does so when she knows the person won’t be home, so she too can leave a message and avoid a real conversation. As far as friendship goes, Ellen has told me that it’s the follow-up that bothers her: She truly dreads getting to know anyone well enough that they would have any expectations of her. The stress of giving is too much; Ellen is afraid to let other people down. Basically, it is a problem with intimacy; she feels that if they got to know the “real” Ellen, they would judge her negatively or even reject her. So the quality of her friendships is not always satisfying. She enjoys going places in a fairly structured environment, where expectations are clear (such as a lunch date or museum excursion), but she is quite uncomfortable sharing her feelings. Outwardly successful, Ellen knows inside that she falls short of self-actualization because she herself can feel the emptiness in her friendships. Yet her social anxiety keeps her from really trying to fill the void.

  Joe: At twenty-six, Joe lives in a New York suburb with his parents. He is a computer technician who earns a good mid-range salary. Occasionally, Joe dates a woman from his church, but he spends most of his free time tinkering with his own computer at home or maintaining the BMW that is his pride and joy. He also belongs to a health club and is very proud of his physique. Joe claims he lives at home for “financial reasons,” but anyone can see that he could afford to move out if he really wanted to. His parents have made it easy for him not to, setting up an “apartment” in the basement (though he still comes up for meals, which they pay for). In public, Joe exaggerates his career success, and talks vaguely about women he “knows” as though they are past girlfriends (they’re not). To him, his suit, briefcase, and cellular phone represent success. But beneath the shell is a lonely, dependent person who has so far managed to avoid confronting his insecurities and pursuing intimate friendships and other relationships. Joe is moderately dependent and avoids confronting his fears by making excuses.

  Wayne: Wayne lives in a trailer his parents bought for him four years ago, on some land in upstate New York that has been in the family for years. It’s a beautiful spot, but Wayne is no nature lover; in fact he could not care less. He spends all his time indoors, flicking the channels to see what else his satellite dish will tune in. Unemployed since the year after high school, Wayne, now thirty, relies entirely on his parents to fund his existence. He feels justified in this, as he tells them in long, angry phone conversations, because, he says, “they made me like this! It’s their fault I can’t do anything and I don’t know anyone.” But because of his severe social anxiety Wayne makes absolutely zero effort to venture out and meet people. The guilt he
causes his parents to feel creates a situation in which they further enable his avoidance and dependence. When he needs groceries, his father actually makes the two-hour drive to deliver them! Wayne literally will not leave the house, and his parents are enabling his behavior to continue by supporting him in his dependence.

  As you can see, there are many variables that make up the balance of avoidance, dependence, and resulting low self-esteem, and there are different degrees of incapacity due to social anxiety. This chapter will help you to determine what the balance is for you.

  LOW SELF-ESTEEM

  Characteristic of most people with social anxiety is low self-esteem. I showed you the sequence in Chapter 1. What is the connection between low self-esteem and social anxiety? A person who has experienced years of failure and frustration will suffer from a lack of self-confidence unless he or she learns appropriate strategies that can break the cycle of negative thinking and allow real behavioral change to take place. In some cases, early peer rejection has caused the socially anxious person to develop a poor self-image. In other cases, negative reinforcement (harsh criticism at home, poor performance in school or on the playing field) has turned self-doubt into self-reproach. Eventually, that element of “self”—the inner voice—becomes far more judgmental than any outside person or group could be. The inner voice then chastises the person into silence and, finally, retreat.

  The following statements indicate low self-esteem and may have a familiar ring:

  • “I don’t say things that interest people.”

  • “No one can find anything to say to me.”

  • “I’m not good at doing things other people like to do.”

  • “People think I’m unattractive.”

  • “I’m not good enough.”

  • “I know I’ll fail.”

  • “I am uncomfortable with change—I tend to hang on to what’s familiar, even when I’m not very happy with it.”

  • “People are always judging my efforts at work or school.”

  • “I have trouble expressing emotions, such as disappointment or anger.”

  • “I generally have a pessimistic attitude.”

  • “I am inhibited from recognizing new opportunities in my career and social life.”

  • “I hesitate to take advantage of new opportunities in my career or social life.”

  • “I have trouble making decisions.”

  If you have low self-esteem, you believe you can see yourself through other people’s eyes, and you judge yourself by what you imagine other people’s standards to be. As your own personal sequence of self-esteem has progressed, you failed to develop an inner feeling of confidence and satisfaction (this is the definition of self-esteem). Without a sense of personal value, disappointment becomes a disaster, so attuned are you to other people’s reactions. Perhaps worse, if you suffer from low self-esteem, you may begin to believe your acquaintances hold the same low opinion of you that you hold of yourself. Often, you may force the issue, secretly expecting the rejection that will confirm your fears.

  A case in point: When Raymond first came to me for help with his social life, he insisted he simply had not met the right people. More than anything, Raymond said, he wanted to “find a woman.” By no means afraid to seek out companionship, Raymond would recount situation after situation in which everything seemed to be going along well for one evening or even two, only to erupt in a telephone argument or terse note explaining why the relationship could not continue. As we talked, Raymond revealed that he had in fact never had a successful romantic relationship, and his desperation was quite apparent. I asked him to pay close attention to the kinds of things he said to his dates. Was he making them uncomfortable? Did his desperation show?

  The following session, he reported another blowup. His new “girlfriend” had gotten angry when Raymond asked her to cancel her plans to attend a concert with friends. How had the whole thing started? “I called Denise up and said, ’I’d like to take you out to dinner Tuesday, unless you don’t want to go out with me.’ ” When Denise said she’d made other plans, he assumed (wrongly, it seemed) that she was rejecting not just the date, but Raymond himself. After several such instances, Raymond began to see how his neediness came through in the way he expressed his wishes, forcing the very thing he feared most: rejection. Raymond had a lot of work to do before he could get beyond his fear of rejection to achieve the quality of intimacy he truly desired.

  Low self-esteem can also prevent you from living up to your career potential. Carla, a client of mine, left the work force to raise a family after three years as an administrative assistant. With her children approaching college age, she decided to shift her focus away from the home and back to a career. Having helped her husband with his computer firm, she decided to take an advanced computer course to improve her skills. The course was extremely difficult, so tough, in fact, that twelve of the twenty-four students dropped out after the first test. But Carla got an A. Even so, she belittled her accomplishment, trying in vain to persuade me that it was an easy class and that she probably could never be qualified to find work in that field. In fact, Carla is quite gifted, but without the requisite self-esteem she will have great difficulty selling herself in this competitive job market.

  “I Think I’m Ugly”

  “I’m ugly.” I’ve heard this phrase so many times from people in my program. Low self-esteem can often manifest itself in your perception of how others see you. I’ve treated sufferers from social anxiety who, objectively speaking, were attractive, but whose poor physical self-image led them to fear rejection. One young man would not: even talk to women because he was so sure he was repulsive to them; when I asked him why, he cited few specifics, except for the thick glasses he had worn since childhood. In reality, he was reasonably good-looking, and, once he was able to work through his self-esteem and social anxiety issues, was rather enjoyable to be around. Another woman, fearing her legs were “too chubby,” refused to wear skirts or dresses, even to formal occasions, and would avoid talking to men. Social anxiety can lead to distorted perceptions, and the fear of outright rejection based on looks diminishes as self-help techniques work to boost confidence. In isolation, you tend to obsess on your negative thoughts. Learning to control your anxiety will allow you to get out there and gain some positive experience. In the end, physical attractiveness is only one part of interactive chemistry. People enjoy interacting with those who take a genuine interest in them, and who are energetic and positive.

  Changing Your Opinion

  Think back to the low-self-esteem statements you identified with, bearing in mind that, no matter how you came by your low opinion of yourself, you can change it. As Eleanor Roosevelt once said, “No one can make you feel inferior without your permission.” You own your self-image, and you can feel about yourself whatever you choose to feel. Throughout this book, there are exercises to help you change how you feel about yourself. And in the next chapter, we’ll look at some ways to set social goals. For now, try repeating what Mrs. Roosevelt said: “No one can make you feel inferior without your permission.” Give yourself credit for seeking help with your social problems. You care about yourself, and that counts for a lot.

  Social anxiety and low self-esteem go hand in hand. In fact, many people simplify so-called “shyness” as a self-esteem problem. The reality is, however, that poor self-esteem is a by-product of social anxiety. It is the social anxiety that comes first, not the other way around! Social failures cause anxiety, which causes avoidance, which causes low self-esteem. As a person’s confidence dwindles, the fears become greater, until eventually the individual simply stops trying. With fewer and fewer opportunities for social interaction, there are also fewer opportunities to receive positive feedback. This combination of factors perpetuates low self-esteem, which cannot be replaced with a healthy self-image until the avoidant behavior ceases.

  If you experience feelings of inadequacy and low self-esteem, your poor self-image may
keep you from exploring your social self and getting to know others. When fear causes inhibition, your chances of interactive success are severely diminished. Eventually, it will seem easier to avoid the anxiety of socializing than to go ahead and risk failure. The more you avoid these situations, the more you depend on family members for all your emotional support. In my treatment of individuals with social anxiety, these are the two personality profiles that inevitably surface. There is a direct connection between the two: If you avoid doing something that needs to be done, you probably depend on someone else to do it for you. For example, if you habitually avoid going to the bank, or making a phone call, how do these things get accomplished? Ask yourself: “When I avoid these things, who picks up the pieces?” You can’t have avoidance without an element of dependence. Now ask yourself: “If I did it myself, what would the outcome be?” And then: “If no one did it, what would the outcome be?” I am reminded here of a client in his early twenties who had gotten about twenty-five speeding tickets over the course of a year or so. Somehow, his parents managed to cover up for him to the point of acquiring a new driver’s license for him whenever his was revoked. While it is true that this did get him out of trouble, it also perpetuated dependence on the rescuing relationship.

  Experience can be the best teacher. In my own life, when I am faced with something stressful, I sometimes recall an experience I had during my last year in graduate school. I was working with kids—street-smart kids—who had criminal records ranging from drug dealing to robbery and murder. Believe me, I had a lot of anxiety! As the only white staff member at a youth center in the heart of the Bronx, I had moire than a little anxiety about going in to work every day. At times, I even wanted to quit. But I stuck with it and eventually found the common ground that would get me through my tenure there: basketball. Being on the court together—on their turf—gave us a better understanding of each other, and in time, I became less nervous. I use my memories of the anxiety I felt to remind myself that I can get through just about anything if I adopt the right attitude.