BEYOND SHYNESS

by Jonathan Berent

  In this chapter, you will come to understand the personality components of avoidant and dependent behavior, identify the symptoms that apply to you, and begin to assess the extent to which avoidance and dependence are controlling your social life.

  AVOIDANCE

  When your social fears control you, you may go to great lengths to avoid interacting with others. Think about how other people manage to get out of many of the normal social obligations or other interactions in their lives—they may flatly refuse to go, or, if they do attend, they may do whatever they can to avoid mingling with people who make them uncomfortable (help out in the kitchen, sit and read a magazine, play with the kids). To avoid dealing with his fear of addressing a group, remember how Alan—an otherwise welladjusted young man—almost abandoned his dream of graduating from college because he was afraid to take the public speaking class that was required of him.

  In the short run, these solutions work. You are capable of identifying what makes you socially anxious and steering clear of it. But in the long run, if you simply avoid anxiety instead of learning to confront it, you limit yourself in ways that will ultimately cause loneliness in your personal life, a lack of productivity at work, and ultimately depression.

  The Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders,* which is the reference manual used by mental health professionals to diagnose psychological problems, defines the avoidant personality disorder by saying that this personality type has the “essential feature of hypersensitivity to potential rejection, humiliation, or shame.…” Avoidant people are always afraid of “messing up,” “saying or doing the wrong thing,” “getting caught,” “not being good enough,” and so on. They do anything to save face—even, and this is the extreme, not showing their faces at all.

  The Manual goes on to describe “an unwillingness to enter into relationships unless given unusually strong guarantees of uncritical acceptance.…” Most avoidant people do whatever they can to keep relationships superficial or nonexistent, unless they are sure that the person will accept them without judging them; often, they turn to relatives for emotional support, perceiving them as “safe.” Even if superficial friendships do exist, it is unlikely that an avoidant person will take the perceived risk of sharing intimate thoughts or feelings, for fear that the acquaintance would find “the truth” horrifying or even merely unattractive or unacceptable.

  “Social withdrawal in spite of desire for affection and acceptance …” Avoidant people may look and act like “loners,” but they’re not. Many of the people I have worked with in my social therapy program start out saying that they are perfectly fine without friends, even though they have sought out treatment for depression or anxiety. The truth is, most people truly want companionship, even if they can’t verbalize the desire. Avoidant people are no exception; the only thing that makes them different is that the fear of rejection we all feel to one degree or another has become so great in their minds that they have trouble controlling it. With effort, though, avoidant people can learn to overcome their fear of rejection and seek out the friendship and even romance that they secretly want.

  “Low self-esteem.” As I’ve explained, most people who fear rejection act as though they have some terrible secret that would mean instant loneliness if it were discovered. Usually, we are much harder on ourselves than others would ever be. For people whose low self-esteem is a stopper, it seems as though the whole world sees them the way they do, and that only magnifies their poor self-image.

  “Individuals with this disorder are exquisitely sensitive to rejection, humiliation, or shame. Most people are somewhat concerned about how others assess them, but these individuals are devastated by the slightest hint of disapproval.” So sensitive to disapproval, in fact, that they will avoid it at all costs—even if it means forgoing job opportunities, social events, or intimate relationships that they would truly like to pursue.

  To determine ways in which avoidance is limiting you, examine the list below, which explores the ways in which avoidance affects different areas of your life. As you consider these examples of avoidant behavior, think about why you behave as you do. Does your fear of rejection or humiliation inhibit your interactions? What is the worst thing that could happen? What would make it easier for you to interact?

  1. I have difficulty accepting challenges.

  2. I’m afraid that if I try something and then can’t do it, people will think I’m a failure.

  3. I cut situations short—even when I’m enjoying myself—because I fear others are bored with me or because I’m uncomfortable.

  4. I tend to put things off—deadlines, phone calls, social engagements.

  5. I often cancel plans I’ve already made.

  6. I make excuses to avoid things I think I’ll do poorly.

  7. I make excuses to avoid things that might be fun if I just let myself go and enjoy them.

  8. I fear taking on added responsibility at work.

  9. I avoid interacting with authority figures such as supervisors at work.

  10. If I make a mistake at work, I try to cover it up to avoid confrontation.

  11. I prefer to stay home.

  12. I seldom invite people to visit.

  13. When people drop in unexpectedly, it makes me uncomfortable and sometimes even angry.

  14. I have trouble starting and ending a conversation because I’m afraid I’ll say something foolish or stupid.

  15. I have trouble asking questions, because I’m afraid people will think they are inappropriate or feel I’m prying.

  16. I have trouble making eye contact.

  17. After the first few sentences of a conversation, I don’t know what else to say; I’m afraid to take a chance because I’m sure I’ll say something inappropriate.

  18. I try to avoid social obligations such as parties.

  19. I seldom accept social invitations.

  20. I avoid phone calls, both at home and at the office.

  21. I am resistant to changes in my work or school environment.

  22. I feel uncomfortable when I talk about myself.

  23. I have difficulty eating in restaurants.

  24. I seldom date. If I do have a date, I often get anxious and think about canceling at the last minute; sometimes I do cancel.

  As you think about these symptoms, you will see that a pattern is emerging. Even though you want to interact, your fears keep you from it. You are letting your anxiety control how you spend your time. In your mind, the social event has taken on such mammoth proportions that it is entirely unmanageable. Many people get somewhat nervous before a social engagement—especially a first date or formal gathering, where expectations may be a little more charged than usual. But to be so fearful that you choose to stay home alone rather than attend is avoidant behavior. Don’t let avoidance be the order of the day.

  DEPENDENCE

  If fear and anxiety inhibit the degree to which you interact, you may tend to rely on others to do things for you. Even if you appear to outsiders to be a highly functioning, successful person in school or career, if you scratch below the surface, you may discover some dependence hidden beneath a few clever rationalizations. In some instances, these things may not seem very significant, and you yourself may justify them quite convincingly: “The other sales reps are better at coming up with new marketing plans, so I don’t need to participate in brainstorming sessions. I’ll just sit quietly and take it all in.” “My sister has such good taste—she knows more about what looks good on me than I do. I’ll get her to come shopping with me.” Of course, even if it meant a little extra effort on your part (and possibly making a few mistakes along the way), you could take more responsibility for your career, appearance, or whatever other aspect of day-to-day life you are now surrendering to other people’s control.

  One client of mine, a college student, insisted that he had no problem with dependence, until one day he casually mentioned that his mother, a college professor, had picked up all the books he
needed to write a paper. “It was no big deal,” he said. “She was going by the library anyway.” But her “little favor” had big implications: Mothers who do research for their college-age sons are enablers, pure and simple. Eventually, this client learned to insist on doing his own work, and to deny his mother’s well-intentioned “favors.” (By the way, once you get over your dependence, you may actually find, as this client did, that it feels good to be self-sufficient; your resourcefulness will then build your self-esteem and give you confidence.)

  When your reliance becomes more pervasive, and you start expecting family members or one or two friends to provide significant emotional support and guidance as well, the issue of dependence becomes more complicated. Because you are afraid to live independently, without the same security you enjoyed in childhood, you may have chosen to live with your parents well into adulthood, even though you earn enough to support yourself financially. Or you may live alone but continue to rely on your parents’ input about the major decisions you make, and to accept some supplementary income for living expenses or recreational costs.

  Donald, for example, would seem independent on first meeting. But in fact, he is emotionally dependent on his parents. Donald also uses his parents as an excuse to avoid taking a risk he would really like to take. In his words: “I want to open my own accounting firm in Colorado; I’ve always dreamed of living there. But my parents need me here. They would be very upset if I moved away.” Donald himself might have mixed feelings if he ever did indeed move. But depending on his parents to hold him back is a pretty powerful way to avoid making a decision to venture into the uncharted territory of a new town and business.

  The Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders says that someone with a dependent personality disorder “passively allows others to assume responsibility for major areas of his or her life….” As I have explained, healthy adults should function independently, without looking to others to absolve them of responsibility for the practical aspects of living. It’s okay to seek support and advice, but be sure that it is an active, conscious choice. Don’t let others develop or maintain a habit of making your decisions for you. Break your own habit of dependence, and then keep to it!

  “… Because of a lack of self-confidence and an inability to function independently …” It may be easier to let others do things for you—whether large or small—but if you consider it honestly, you will eventually see that giving over your responsibilities has undercut your self-confidence. Because you don’t do something, it may feel as though you can’t do it. If you think of yourself as a can’t-do, it is difficult to regard yourself as someone others would respect and appreciate. Dependence takes a huge toll on self-esteem, and selfesteem is an essential component of a healthy social being. “Individuals with this problem invariably lack self-confidence. They tend to belittle their abilities and assets. They may refer to themselves as stupid.

  “The individual subordinates his or her own needs to those of others on whom he or she is dependent in order to avoid any possibility of having to be self-reliant.…” Rather than risk inconveniencing anyone with your desires, you simply “go with the flow,” relying on family members to make all your plans for a time and place convenient for them.

  “Such individuals leave major decisions to others.” To do otherwise might entail taking responsibility for one’s own desires, something that is virtually impossible for a dependent person. Having no say at all appears to be easier than taking a stand and risking independence.

  This index will help you determine the ways in which you are overly dependent on others. Again, as you look at each statement, decide whether it is true for you. It is not important to keep score. Rather, take a few minutes to consider how each statement has affected your life, and try to identify the ways in which dependence has inhibited your interaction or kept you from self-actualizing.

  1. I rely on others for at least some financial support.

  2. I have one or two friends or relatives that I call too often when I have a problem.

  3. I rely heavily on my parents’ advice and opinions.

  4. I often allow others to make even minor decisions for me.

  5. When it comes to major purchases or decisions, I defer to the judgment of others.

  6. Usually, someone else makes my appointments for me, and keeps track of my medical needs.

  7. I have a hard time shopping for myself and prefer to have someone else along to help me choose; sometimes, others do my shopping for me.

  8. Someone else handles my finances.

  9. I seldom answer the phone because other people in my office or household are willing to do it for me.

  10. I usually get another member of my household or office to make calls on my behalf.

  11. I screen calls with an answering machine so that I am not caught off-guard.

  12. I depend on my colleagues to do work assigned to me if the task makes me uncomfortable.

  13. I depend on work for most of my social interaction.

  14. When I socialize or participate in recreational activities, it’s usually with family members or one of only a few close friends.

  15. I seldom initiate social events, leaving it up to others to decide what to do and when.

  16. I seldom drive myself places.

  17. I become anxious when I have to go someplace new, and rely heavily on others to help me find the way.

  18. I rely on others to handle my household management.

  19. When I’m alone, I often have a feeling of indecision when faced with a dilemma.

  20. Because I don’t like how it feels to have a lot of time on my hands, weekends and vacations make me uncomfortable.

  WHEN SOCIAL ANXIETY BECOMES SOCIAL PHOBIA

  When your social anxiety becomes so great that you have to avoid the specific situation that causes it, you are dealing with a social phobia. In movies and on television, in both serious and comical contexts, we have heard of many phobias: fear of heights, fear of trains, fear of bridges, fear of crowds. And this, according to the Journal of Psychiatry, is the decade of social phobia. What is social phobia? As we discussed earlier, social phobia is essentially performance anxiety. Here is how the DSMIII-R defines it:

  “The essential feature is a persistent irrational fear and compelling desire to avoid situations in which the individual may be exposed to scrutiny by others.” In other words, the avoidance typical of social anxiety sufferers becomes so extreme that it overshadows any desire to participate in the situation. The fear of being scrutinized by others includes not only the evaluation of the performance but also a fear that anxiety symptoms will become obvious. Obsessive thought patterns (“They can tell I’m nervous,” “They can see I’m sweating”) are common, along with the actual physical symptoms. Both mental and physical symptoms become as stressful as the situation itself.

  “There is also fear that the individual will behave in a manner that will be humiliating or embarrassing.” Again, the individual is preoccupied with fear of failure or performance anxiety.

  “Marked anticipatory anxiety occurs if the individual is confronted with the necessity of entering into such a situation.” Even the thought of being evaluated causes the social phobic reaction, so ingrained is the anxiety response.

  Where social phobia exists, there is a pronounced inhibition of interaction on all. levels. The individual is so preoccupied by fear of symptoms and by finding a way of avoiding the situation that he cannot successfully interact. Some specific social phobias are included here:

  • Fear of public speaking

  • Fear of participating in a group presentation

  • Fear of eating in a restaurant

  • Fear of raising a hand to talk in class

  • Fear of writing a check in front of someone

  • Fear of using a public bathroom

  • Fear of dating

  • Fear of participating in an activity with other people

  • Fear of att
ending public events

  Think of social phobia as extreme performance anxiety about a specific act, such as those listed above. Where there is any chance of being evaluated by others in the situation he fears, the social phobic will experience extreme anxiety and will do all he can to avoid the situation.

  AN EXTREME CASE: AGORAPHOBIA

  Many people confuse social anxiety and social phobia with agoraphobia. Agoraphobia literally means “fear of the marketplace” in ancient Greek. Psychologists use the term today to refer to the fear of open spaces. Whereas social phobia refers to the fear of interacting with others, agoraphobia is a more generalized fear of being away from the controlled environment of home. The DSMIII-R calls agoraphobia the “fear of being in places or situations from which escape might be difficult or embarrassing or in which help might not be available in the event of panic.” This fear manifests itself in situations such as the following:

  • Being outside the home

  • Being in a crowd

  • Standing in line

  • Traveling across a bridge

  • Traveling inside a car or bus

  Agoraphobia and social phobia overlap in many ways. Carrie, thirty, was homebound for ten years with agoraphobia. In that time, she became totally dependent on her mother, who supported her, shopped for her, and attempted to meet her emotional needs. Carrie’s mother began bringing her for individual sessions with me, and I was struck by the severity of her fear. Seated in front of me and suffering excruciating pain from a tooth and gum infection, she nonetheless refused to see a dentist because she wanted to avoid the humiliation and embarrassment her condition would cause. With many agoraphobics I have treated, social phobia—the fear of humiliation or embarrassment—was at the root of the problem. In many of these cases, we are able to trace the agoraphobia’s inception back to a humiliating or embarrassing incident. This leads me to conclude that agoraphobia is in some cases actually an extreme case of social phobia.